Rest

This is a picture of Tess, my oldest cat. She is able to relax easily...or so it seems. I could say the same thing about all of my cats I suppose. Tess does get a little worked up sometimes...when she is ready to go to bed and I am still up, she gets a little antsy. But I love this picture of her. Tonight I am feeling like I just want to sleep. I was hoping that at this point in recovery I would be able to make it through the day and have energy to get a lot of school stuff done at home...it is going to take time...still...patience...patience...patience....sleep...sleep... sleep... Today was better than yesterday...but I iced my knee a lot and kept it elevated a lot. So...I will have to make sure I take time to do both throughout the day. And of course...there will be sleep....lots and lots of sleep.

I am going to try to get some stuff done over the weekend so I am ready for students on Tuesday. Game On!

Getting back into the swing of things

Today I got to school and got to see a lot of people. I faced a lot of reactions to being on crutches, to my incisions/scars, and a lot of questions. It was nice that people seemed to care how I was doing....and several people offered to help me with anything I needed. As I had predicted, the superintendents speech today was......snoozefest 2007. He doesn't get it. As a teacher I watch the kids and know when they have had enough or need to do something different. This guy was oblivious to his audience...people were shifting in their seats, getting up to use the restroom, and standing up swaying back and forth...My head was going to explode from trying to prevent myself from yelling, Get off the stage moron! The afternoon was much better. Our new principal did a great job at welcoming us and going through some things that have changed since spring. I did well making it through the day...ate a healthy lunch even...and then went to physical therapy. By the time I got to PT my knee was SWOLLEN...big time... and as a result couldn't do much for therapy. But the doc said to expect that...good days and hard days... I know that I need to elevate my leg throughout the day and did not get to do that today...but will make sure I do tomorrow.

It actually feels good to be starting a new year...new kids...I am excited and look forward to getting into my routine...time for bed.....I am sleepy.

Bubble

This is my fish, Sushi. He lives in this bubble on my wall. Actually it is a half bubble. He has lived in there since early spring because his old residence was a bowl from which my cats drank the water. With four cats, there would not have beeen enough water for Sushi, so he was relocated to the wall. I look at Sushi quite often and wonder if he is happy in that little bubble. He swims around...responds when I get close to the bubble...and eagerly eats the food he is given. But...he doesn't have any friends...in fact he would try to kill any other fish that may get introduced to him and that's no good...and family...well I am not familiar with beta family trees, but I am sure that sushi's mom wanted to eat him and the same is probably true for his dad...because fish do that... so what's the point? Yet he lives...his needs are met...at least the needs that are apparent...clean water, food....clean water.... what stresses Sushi out? Does he get stressed? Would I want to live in a bubble...alone...stress free? I guess he is pretty dependent...there is no natural food source in his bubble, so he does depend on me...which means he has at least one relationship... I depend on people...perhaps not solely for my survival...but I do...I need people...and know that being in a bubble may protect me from some stress, fear, and pain....but would also prevent me from forming the relationships that, when lost, cause stress, fear, and pain...

So is this blog random enough for you? It stems from everything going on. My head is full, yet has no direction. One minute I am thinking of Gramie, the next thinking about having to start work tomorrow...then about mom...sitting with Gramie and the love she shows her....then about dignity...then dad...then sis...then other family stuff....then tomorrow...meetings...listening to opening day remarks from a superintendent who likes to name drop, not of people he has met, but of people he has read,to feel important...then to friends...to cats...to Gramie....then to my other gram....dad's siblings...the fact that I really need to water my flowers...and now wondering if I should ice my knee before I head to bed or not...and hoping that tomorrow my knee survives...and that I don't feel overwhelmed with seeing everyone tomorrow. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... how much pressure can a bubble withstand?

Knee Update

I had my appointment in Boston today. All GOOD news. My doc says I am a little ahead of schedule as far as recovery/walking, etc. He says the incisions look great and that he is very pleased. The only thing that changed is that right after surgery he had told me that I had nodular PVNS, however, the pathology report is that I have diffuse PVNS...which is the kind that is more rare and more likely to return...however, the success rate with this surgery is good. I had xrays today to see if any arthritis had settled in and it is clear. I don't have any real restrictions, except to remind myself that I had a MAJOR surgery and to not push myself too hard. I also got a doctor's note that says I have to limit my hours at school because I need to make sure my body is getting enough rest to continue to heal. So the appt. went really really well. I have to go back in the end of November for more xrays and assessment, then I will have another MRI in another 3 months. My knee is very stiff and having a hard time straightening because of being at the hospital so much this week...and I need to work on that. I had my first outpatient physical therapy appointment this morning. Most of the appointment was just evaluation and review of things, but there was some stretching....straightening...which hurt...but I need it. So.... on the knee front... life is good.

On the Gramie front...things are not so good.... not much has changed. Mom has had a chance to get a little rest because my sister had rented a hotel room next to the hospital and convinced mom to go there and sleep last night while Sis sat with Gramie. Sis is at my house tonight and told me that mom had a hard day today, emotionally. Whilc I am not happy she is upset, I am a little relieved that she is letting some of her emotions out. She is an amazing person...an amazing mom...and an amazing daughter.

I am exhausted...physically and mentally. I will relax tomorrow then I have to go to work on Wednesday and Thursday...professional development. I need to make sure I do some stretching during the professional development so I don't get more stiff. I also have another PT appointment Wednesday afternoon.

I am glad that my sister is here tonight...gives us a chance to just be...release some of our own emotions and support each other.

What to wish for...

My grandmother is still in the hospital...and not doing well. I left the hospital today to come home because I have to go to Boston Monday for my knee follow up and my knee is stiffening up and I need a day to try to help that a little before going to see my doctor... Leaving sucked... I felt a little like a coward because I kind of just up and left...without much warning. It was hard...that is probably the last time I will have a conversation with my grandmother...and it wasn't really very lucid. I know she knew I was there today, but she was struggling so she was not talking much...only to ask for someone to help her get comfortable, which seems impossible...Mom...is wiped out... and while I understand her need to be there 24/7 I worry about her. Dad is worried...about Gramie and about Mom...he knows how upset mom is, how scared she is and mom won't let it out... she doesn't want us to hug her because she will lose it....and it is hard for Dad to not be able to fix it all...

Gram is suffering...I want her to feel better, to be able to at least feel well enough to rest, which right now, she can't get comfortable enough to do that. I don't know what to wish for. I hate not being there.

Hanging in there.

Gram is having a hard day. She told me that she doesn't think she is going to make it. I told her that she has fought so hard for so long and that she has been really strong. I wondered if I should tell her it was ok not to fight, but I don't know that I should tell her that yet... my sister and my aunt are planning to come up next week and maybe Gram can hang on for them to get here. I am not saying that is it, but my grandmother has never, to my knowledge, said she didn't think she would make it. She is tough. She wants mom to stay in her room with her today. Everyone else is doing ok...of course we are all tired and emotional, but I think hanging in there pretty well.

My knee is ok.. it was very swollen last night... I think because I did a lot of walking yesterday. But I iced it last night and use my CPM machine, so I feel like it is ok. This is the most my knee has had to endure since the surgery, so...I expect to be swollen and tired.

The computer is a nice thing to have in the waiting area at the hospital...distraction is good.

Hospital

We are at the hospital with my Gram. She is still in ICU, but holding her own. She is a tough lady...I was here yesterday as well and she does not look as strong to me today as she did yesterday, but the doc gave a good report... though he is cautioning us to not be too optimistic because an infection or pneumonia is likely to occur. He said our goal should be for us to have her leave here healthy enough to go to a rehab facility. So... we'll see.

My knee is holding up ok. I was tired last night and had more pain than I have had for a while, but I attribute it to the driving. The hardest part being away from home is that my grandmother's toilet seat is very low and there isn't anything to hold to help me get up and down... I know.. too much info, but that's the reality of it. I am doing a lot of walking, which is good for me as is putting in longer days. Mom and dad are impressed with how the incisions look, say they look much better. I do still have two places that are seeping, but that too will stop. I have to return to Boston Monday, so we'll see what the good doctor says.

I sure am sick of hospitals and medical people....though I know they are needed and good at what they do, I prefer to not spend time with them for a while...enough is enough...

Going North

I will be heading north tomorrow...through the weekend. It will be good to see my family, though I wish the circumstances were different. I know it will be hard to see my grandmother with so many tubes going in and out of her. I am trying to get ready...planning what to take... my CPM machine, my cryocuff to ice my knee...and the regular stuff... I also need to take some first aid stuff because my incision...the back one has once again decided to seep a little... Geesh... Noticed it today when I was in a store... I am sure that the other people appreciated the oozage....sorry folks...

I had my last physical therapy session today with "P". Tomorrow her supervisor comes to discharge me from services...the visiting nurse also comes in the morning to discharge me... so it's official... I am not 'homebound.' So I get to go out for physical therapy...exciting. P's session was ok.. though she did the stretching with me... that HURTS.... I iced my knee for about three hours after she left. While I was icing my knee Rico called... and I am going to call him after this post.

One of my assistants from school called me today. It was great to hear from her. She has had a busy summer and is looking forward to coming back to school. It is so hard for me to believe that next week school will start...granted, the kids don't come until after Labor Day, but once the professional days start it feels like school... I am hoping that the next few days will help build my endurance up for when school starts. I know being at the hospital and driving such a long way will tire me out...but I need to be able to put in a long day.

I talked to my friend Jill, who posts comments often, :-) and I will get to see her while I am in Lincoln. I am sooo looking forward to that.

Anyway...I may or may not blog while I am away. I will try... if I am not too tired to climb up the stairs at my parents house....and if Mom will let me.

Good Night!

Gram...

The last 18 hours have been hard. My grandmother was taken to the hospital yesterday and the diagnosis is not good. It was discovered that she did have a perforated colon which meant that her body's waste was spreading through her body and poisoning her. She was transported by ambulance to a bigger hospital and needed emergency surgery. She was quite sick before the surgery and was taken to the OR around 10:30 and was out of surgery around 2:15 or so in the morning. The doctor says that it was caused by the return of the tumor that had been removed in the fall. At the time the doctor who had done the Nov. surgery felt that the tumor was cancerous, but that is was a kind that was very slow growing and predicted that it would cause no other problems for Gram. Even doctors can be wrong... so the surgeon last night removed what he could, but said that it would have been impossible to get it all...so as I understand it, Gramie will have to have some chemotherapy treatments and then take some meds that will hopefully keep things from growing again. Nuts, right? Gram has been through so much. She is tough. She survived surgery...but the doc lsat night told my parents that the surgery wouldn't be the hardest part of this process. He said that the hardest part would be Gramie's body having to fight the infection caused by the poison in her body. Gram is in ICU and they were planning to keep her sedated enough so that she wouldn't realize just how badly she felt. However, she did better last night than expected and they are not giving her as much medicine as anticipated...

Mom and dad are exhausted they were at the hospital until 2:30ish this morning, and of course were up early. While Gram is in ICU and getting one on one care, mom and dad decided that their camping season has come to a close for this year. They didn't have much time there this summer because they had spent so much time with me for my surgery. So... their friends, Donna and Kenny, are helping them. Dad and Kenny are heading to the campground to bring the camper, boat, and kayaks home and Donna was going to ride to the hospital with mom today. (about a 50 minute drive.)

I know I will be heading up there at some point, I just have to figure out when...I think it would be more helpful to wait a few days, when Gramie becomes a little more alert...and while Gram is in ICU Mom's plan is to go see her each day, but not spend too much time there each day in hopes of conserving energy for when Gram gets out of ICU and may need someone there more often.

So Jill... We will get to visit this week, but it may end up being in our hometown... I will call you later to talk about it.

I am tired...was still awake at 4:30 this morning. Meg was here last night, which was great. She helped me pass the time and distract me a little. (In addition to doing my laundry...) Thanks Meg...

Game on...

Meg is on her way here...for a canasta competition... I made a pizza and I hope it comes out well. I may have to leave in the midst of the competition...because my grandmother is in the hospital. My mom called me this morning to let me know that she and dad had left the campground because Gramie had asked her to come home because she didn't feel well. My gram is a tough lady and when she asks for that kind of help...she needs it. Today they made the decision to call the ambulance to take her to the hospital. She was really feeling sick and weak. They think she may have a perforated bowel...which will entail another surgery...this is the same grandmother who had abdominal surgery this fall and had a 15 pound tumor removed with one surgery and had to have another surgery after the interior incision opened up and it was not good... so this will be, if she has surgery, her third major abdominal surgery since November. If that is the case I will be heading north to see what I can do to help out which may mean blog interruptions.

Thanks for the suggestions Jill and Rico... I hope others make suggestions... So far..Detroit is the top runner... I have always wanted to go to....Detroit??? Yeah right. Later.....

Suggestions/Comments NEEDED...

*Added after writing the rest of the blog.... if you don't want to read this other stuff, but want to know what the heading is about....go to the last paragraph... :-)

The word of the day is... STIFF...I have iced my knee a lot today. Bending is hard...straightening is hard...I thought as the day unfolded it would improve. So... I got in my truck and drove to school... to get a couple of books and to touch base with the new principal as well as the school's vice principal. I needed to tell them that I was going to be back, but that I may need to have some flexibility once school starts, in regards to not staying after school for meetings, due to my need to rest and I know I will be exhausted. They seemed ok with it...and both were surprised to see my incisions, saying I had been filleted...But there was more to my visit today than that.

When the school year ended in June, I was in a bad place. I had missed a lot of work because of my knee and it hurt to be at work...I was ready for school to be over...People wanted to be understanding, but I know there were skeptics who thought I was being a wimp... or overly dramatic...I couldn't coach my middle school track team because I doubted I could stand up for entire practices, let alone meets...and it was hard to face people. I had a lot of anxiety at work... before I was properly diagnosed I felt crazy...as I have written about here, in earlier blogs. I felt like maybe I was fine, that the pain was in my head because nobody could give me an answer...so part of me thought if the experts can't tell me what's wrong, maybe it's not real. That...combined with people's skepticism made it really really hard to go to work. Once I got the official diagnosis, I was relieved...so relieved.... but people at work still did not understand. They acted sympathetic, and some were genuinely concerned...bit some people remained skeptical... how do I know that? Maybe I am a bit paranoid, but I feel like I read people pretty well..I think even my fellow coaches, for whim I have a lot of respect, questioned the legitimacy of my condition....So... knowing school is starting is causing a little anxiety to flare up. I know that I have nothing to worry about...maybe these scars are my "badge of proof" to the skeptics. It's hard because I thought I was long past that phase of worrying about what other people think. In most areas of my life I am... My height...gets so much attention...people react to me in different ways...like a man in the sandwich shop today...after staring at me the entire time I was ordering and hobbling... he was more interested in how tall I was than holding a door for me to help me out. Get off your ass rude man and help a girl out...regardless of how tall she is. But this PVNS condition...has screwed with my head... a lot. Why do I feel I have to proove to people that I had a major surgery to attempt to eradicate myself of a rare, extrememly painful condition....that could still come back??... I don't know....

I think I am doing better, but it still is effecting me and that makes me mad...in some ways I feel like this is my first year of teaching again... that I have things to prove...and I am mad about that...pissed... I am so ready for life to go back to "normal." But what is normal? The last could of years have been full of drama for my family. Diagnosises...hospitalizations...I hope my recent Boston trip is the last time my family will have to spend time in a hospital for a while...as patients or as visitors. So...maybe I need to create a new "normal"...but I am not sure where to begin in that process. I have amazing people in my life...who love me...and I know life will get back to "normal"...heck..maybe it will be better than normal...

I think of my dad a lot theses days... My dad is taller than me....on a good day he is 6'7...on a bad day, he is shorter...my height...merely 6'6". What differentiates a good day from a bad one? The state of Dad's back. He has had problems, pain for years...with little relief. It began when he was working at a job that required a lot of physical labor and he started missing work time. He looked the same...tall, strong...so people did not realize how much pain he experienced...as time went on, people questioned its legitimacy...and it took its toll mentally on my dad...on our family...It's been...geesh... since '91 I think since Dad's injury. I feel like I can understand more of how he felt...or must have felt...Dad, in true Mainer style, stayed pretty quiet about it all...I know that "normal" changed a lot for my parents...their day to day life is very different than it was. But I can see that they have overcome a lot...and are in a better place...but I know how exhausting this is...not just physically...but mentally...very tough.

So..now that I am feeling pretty down...I think I want to ask you all a favor to help cheer me up...I need something to look forward to...ok...a few things to look forward to...short term and long term... so... how about this... you all comment on this blog and offer me ideas of things I can do to help myself get back to a better than normal life. I think one of the things I am going to do...is start saving for some kind of vacation/trip somewhere... ok...so that has not been a normal part of my life... but maybe it should me. Where should I go? I hope to see a lot of suggestions for upcoming adventures....if I do any of them, I will be sure to document it and post pictures!

PT...PT...PT...

PT...Physical therapy....PT...physical torture...PT...pretty terrible...PT...painful today...PT...praying time...PT...possible terrorism...PT.....OUCHIE OUCHIE OUCHIE..... You get the idea...Me and my big mouth... Today when I went to the doctor he mentioned that I need to really focus on straightening my leg as much if not more than bending it...My leg hasn't been straight for a long time...as time has gone on and the pain increased, I favored that leg so much...it hasn't been straight in a looong time. In my head I thought...hmm.. .I bet that my physical therapist could stretch my leg for me...force it straight a little, like she has with the bending stretch. So when "P" got here I said, Hey... can you do a stretch that will force me to straighten my leg? She smiled and said..oh yeah.....said she would stretch me both ways today... I told her that she didn't HAVE to do both. Before we did any stretching, P decided that I need to walk more to build up my endurance. Walk...with one crutch....outside. So, since P's schedule had room for it, she suggested we walk together for a while..down my sidewalk. Fun. It wasn't bad actually...but bothered my lower back. Then she showed me some new stretches to help loosen up my hamstring to help with the straightening.... then...then the Torture started. I straightened my leg as much as I could...then P pushed down until I yelped...I mean, told her that was far enough...we did that three times...doesn't sound like much...but it was plenty. Then she wanted ot go right to the bending stretch...after the other stretches...I could not bend my knee as far as I could before...and it hurt.... P only made me do 5 instead of our usual 10...thank goodness...after she left... yep...ICE TIME... for a long while.... mostly to numb it, but really to try to prevent swelling. I will see P again next week and then her supervisor will come to check on me and discharge me. Then I will be going to PT outside of my house. I was sure that I was done for the day...stick a fork in me...but... I rallied. Sara called and wanted to meet for dinner. She leaves this weekend for Hawaii for a business trip, so I wanted to make sure I had a little time with her before she leaves...so I agreed. I thought it would be a piece of cake to park...since I have my handicap plackard...I was wrong. Why is it that when you are out looking for empty spaces, you find one and darn it...it is handicapped, so you can't park there...Ironically I was searching for a handicapped space and could not find one. I ended up finding a regular spot and had to walk a bit, but it was fine. We went to one of our favorite places...and there was a live band playing, it was nice. Sara had a rough day at work... she is such an amazing person, I hope her boss startes showing her some appreciation...

I am watching television and a warning just came across the screen... a warning that radar has detected storms and that with the current conditions a tornado is possible...not likely, but possible. What the heck is that all about? In Maine... let's hope it will just be bad thunder showers. Anyway...I am running out of steam here, and am going to watch Big Brother.... I admit it... I like that show...ok... I record it if I can't watch it....Man....I am tired of being tired...

I survived

I just got back from the doctor's office.... and he pulled three stitches and...it didn't hurt... he said there will be some blood for a couple of days, but that it should now heal up... YAY... Much less traumatic than I had anticipated. Yahoooo...now I need some lunch...then "P" comes for my physical therapy... I think it may be my last home PT visit. I will write more about that if that is indeed the case.

What's up Doc

Today was another day of accomplishments...and another day of exhaustion. My friend Sheila came over today and we went shopping...first to a store that has housewares. We just walked around a little. We then went to the Olive Garden for lunch....Sheila treated me, saying it was my first trip to a restaurant since surgery - thanks Sheila. Then we went to the grocery store. I put my crutches in a grocery cart and pushed it around...leaning on it as needed. I wanted to have someone with me because I was afraid my endurance would not hold up... It did...barely. I made it through the whole store, but I was tired. As soon as we got home I had to sit and rest. Thank goodness for Sheila. She carried in all of my groceries and put most of them away for me. It was nice to be able to go to the grocery store...thank you Sheila...thank you!!! (I did have to take a nap this afternoon...geesh...I thought I was past napping in this process.)

Today the nurse came and looked at my posterior incision...and she was not happy... well she says it looks good overall...but there are three small places that are not closing...she thinks that there are a few stitches that have not dissolved and my body is trying to get them out. As a result, tomorrow I am off to the doctor...one here, not going to Boston...I am a little nervous because I am not sure how much 'digging' he will have to do to get the stitches out...and it grosses me out a little. I also don't want him to have to open other parts of the incision that have healed in order to gain access to the embedded stiches. I am afraid it is going to hurt...it doesn't sound pleasant... the nurse says it won't be bad...but it's not her leg. She covered the three areas with gauze saying that she wants to make sure nothing gets in there...I will let ya all know how it goes tomorrow. After the doctor's appt. I am supposed to have physical therapy... if the doctor's appt. is painful... I am going to cancel PT and try to reschedule it for Friday if I can. We'll see.

That's all for tonight as my energy level is...low... but thank you to all who have posted comments and emailed me. You help me keep going...

One down...one to go...

Good Evening Blog Buddies!

Today was pretty uneventful...Physical therapist "P" came by and I was a little nervous to see her... I knew she would want to stretch my leg again...and it was going to hurt again... and I have regressed with some of my exercises...because I did so much in the last few days I have been exhausted and have not done my regular PT exercises...consequently I have lost ground with my leg raises...but I know that getting out and doing things is good for me...it helps me build endurance and I need that. P agreed with me and said that she was happy I was getting out more and that she knows that the things that have regressed will come back. I know that too, but it is frustrating that I have taken some steps backwards in some areas...even though I know I have gained in other areas. I knew that she was going to be pleased with my flexibility though. My knee has been bending further...and I did get to 90 on the CPM machine. She measured it today and without using the machine, I got my leg to about 80 degrees... which is 15 degrees of improvement since Friday. That is a good gain. I need to make sure I also focus on trying to straighten my leg too...it is as important as getting the bending. P did stretch my leg today and it has been more painful that it was on Friday, but bearable. She also advised me to use one crutch around the house all the time... so one crutch down...one to go.... when I go out I will take both, because I may encounter some harder terrain or obstacles, but at home I will use one...unless I am groggy when I get up in the middle of the night and feeling really stiff. Tomorrow I am planning on going grocery shopping...one of my friends will go with me to help...it amazes me that tasks that ar routine...or I should say...were routine...are challenging. The idea of going shopping is intimidating... will it be too much for me? Will I be able to push the cart? will I trip over something, knock something over? So my friend Sheila is going with me to help alleviate some of that fear and to help out as needed. I will let you know how it goes. Tonight Craig came by...brought me a frosty from Wendy's... yum. It was good to see him, I hadn't seen him since before surgery. It's funny how I measure my life now....BS...before surgery...and PS...post surgery...kind of like when people have a baby...though VERY different... though I will say.. I remember when my sister had her first son and we went places... I was impressed with how easy it was to cross streets while puching a carriage...everyone stopped. I told her I was going ot get a stroller just to use for crossing the street.... well... the crutches work as well. People open the doors for me, let me cross the road, and in general try to help me...which is nice.

That's all for tonight bloggers... it feels chilly tonight...like fall...hard to believe it is quickly approaching.

Ocean Breeze

Hello friends. After yesterday's adventure I was BEAT. I did not sleep well last night... I tossed, turned, rolled, sashayed.... anything that involved not sleeping... I did it... and I was mad. My leg hurt...hurt to bend, hurt to straighten, hurt to do something in between.... just hurt. I took my pain meds before trying to go to bed...and after still being awake after about 4 or 5 hours, i took an extra one. After that I got a few minutes of sleep here and there... I woke up twice to the sound of a cat having a hairball and a couple of other times when the cats decided to play tag throughout my apartment. Needless to say when my alarm went off at 8 this morning I was less than pleased. It was one of those days I determined was going to be bad...was going to suck...was going to be spent in bed, trying to sleep... however... that is not what "the cards" had in store. My good friend Meg called yesterday and told me she was going to come down today instead of her usual Tuesday visit. This was a great plan because the nurse and PT were not scheduled for today...so when my alarm sounded this morning I knew that my snooze limit was 2, unless I wanted to be in bed when Meg arrived at 9. After the first snooze I cast away my plan of showering before she got here...and ended up snoozing three times...so got out of bed around 8:30 instead of 8 as planned. As I tried to get up... my body was displeased with me. My left knee hurt... along with my behind...my right thigh and my back. What have I done to myself? I was not looking forward to those first few steps... and they were hard...very hard. I find that when I feel like that I have a hard time trusting that my left knee will be able to support any of my weight...so my right leg works harder...again. Eventually I made it to the couch, deciding that maybe the CPM machine would help loosen things up and make me feel better. Meg arrived with a cheerful, "Mornin'!" and I warned her that I was in a foul mood. I proceeded to whine about my night of not sleeping, cat vomit, and other discomforts. She told me not to worry because she had not slept well either...though I was sure my night was worse than hers..because, after all...it must be, right? As she was trying to help me greet the day she asked how high my machine was set at...trying to be little miss Sunshine, and encouraging me...saying it looked pretty good.... It was at 73 degrees....nothing to be all cheery about Meg....We chatted and watched tv as I gradually made it up to 82 degrees and decided that was enough and that I needed to take a shower. Meg vowed to kick my butt at canasta after I was all clean.

So I showered and was thrilled, being in the mood I was in, that after my shower, my back incision was oozing...and since the skin was soft after showering, trying to wipe away some of the ooze involved some skin peeling.... not nice.... but I tried to clean it up a little, put some antibiotic cream on it and let Meg try to kick my ass at cards. With Meg around, it is HARD to stay in a foul mood...very hard... We started playing...and the laughter followed. Eventually our scores were close...within a couple hundred points, which in canasta is nothing. We both knew it was going to come down to the final hand.... and mark it on the calendar... Meg beat me....she was thrilled.... she called her friend Brenda who had joined her against mom and I a couple weeks ago...then she called my mom... she was thrilled. It was funny....we played another round and I beat her...not just beat her...but BEAT her.... I was out.... above 5000 points and she was at NEGATIVE 365! Who's the canasta queen now, Meg?

After canasta, during which I iced my knee to try to alleviate some of the continued discomfort, we decided to go get lunch and take it to the ocean. I know.... yesterday's outing and subsequent pain was not enough apparently...I had to drive, because Meg has a smaller truck than mine. I was less comfortable driving today compared to yesterday, but did ok. We went to a state park near here, and walked a ways before deciding on a bench that would be suitable for me.... needed to be close to the ocean and comfortable. I can be rather picky. Meg thought we should have chosen a picnic table closer to the entrance of the park, but I was determined...I figured what was the point of going to the ocean to not sit by the ocean? I made it to the bench ok... it was getting back to the truck that was tiring. I had not realized on the way to the bench that we had descended a bit of an incline...and after eating and enjoying the ocean breeze... it was hard to get up the incline, back to the parking lot. I had to stop a few times...which made me mad, but Meg was very supportive...and as a few rangers passed me, I rang the bell that I have on my crutches....which made us laugh. It was hard to get back in the truck after that. My leg was saying...damn fool... two days in a row you expect me to be flexible.... no way.... but I got in... and we drove... to an ice cream stand. I had a twist with chocolate jimmies, Meg had coffee ice cream with chocolate jimmies. We then got back to my place and I was tired.... Meg is planning to come back on Friday to help out again... which by the way she did laundry today... thanks Neg... there are few people I would entrust with washing my "draws." She threatened to come back Thursday night for an evening of pizza and cards... I am sure she would include beer in that scenario, but because of my pain meds... the captain and I have to admire each other from afar...for now.

After Meg left, I took a nap... a long nap with pockets of sleep... and woke up feeling pretty ok...had dinner... some baked ziti my friend Kelly had made for me that I had put in my freezer...Yummm.. thanks Kel... and then decided to use the CPM machine as I watched tv.... my goal was to reach 90 degrees by the time I saw my physical therapist again...and I had been only reaching 82 or 83.... tonight I banged it out people....90... for real this time... with the machine adjusted properly. So when she comes tomorrow... my knee better cooperate and show her that improvement. (Although I am worried because with the energy I have expended on the outings the last couple days, I have not done my pt exercises much... eek!)

Today I am thankful for my friend Meg... because she once again helped me get my head out of my hindparts... and it turned out to be a great day with a friend. Had Meg not come over today...I think...well... I would have kept the shades drawn and felt pretty sorry for myself. I know I am improving, but it feels slow...and I have to tell myself to be patient...constantly tell myself that. and I am trying....

Milestone

I am frustrated.. I just typed a blog entry and then my connection failed... so I have to start over... good thing it was short....

Today was a big day... I drove myself to Sara and Phils house for a barbecue. It was intimidating to think about doing...as I drove there I kept telling myself I could turn around at any point...but I got there...surprised them... they didn't think I was going to make it over... and had a great visit. It was nice to be out of the house. I am tired though....very tired...hence the brief blog tonight... I am crawling into bed...which has fresh sheets that I put on by myself....go me!!!... and one of my favorite quilts made for me by one of my grandmothers... I love it... it is heavy enough that it feels like a giant hug! so I am going to sleep well tonight... hope you all do too.... Good night! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

New Scar Pics

Hey Y'all. Thanks Deb and Jill for the compliments on my red red toes! They look good!!! I am so glad I went out yesterday, but let me tell you... I was TIRED today. After I got home from the movies last night I laid down and could feel my body being exhausted...all of my body...and after blogging last night everything started to feel stiff. I got up and walked around a little because I thought it would help. It did...a little. I did sleep well last night...don't think I moved much, but was very stiff this morning. When I first got up I thought I may have to regress into using the walker instead of the crutches, but I fought through it and did ok. I spent most of today on my couch..using the CPM machine. (I moved it out there so I can watch tv and do my machine.) I also had company most of the day today. A friend was having a rough time...relationship wise, and needed some support. I was very happy to be there for her. She is an amazing person. She is beautiful, intelligent, independent...I often see similarities in our personalities in that we both put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do the best, be the best, and to make everyone proud of us.... today she dealt with some tough stuff...had to confront things about her relationship and about herself in a relationship. I know she was not feeling it today, but she was strong today, very strong. It takes a lot to go through what she did, and I am proud of her. Hang in there my friend... you know yourself well...

Today I decided to post new pictures of my incisions/scars. This one is the front...and looks pretty good as far as scars go. I don't think it is going to be too bad...and it is starting to get less puckery. Also the swelling in my knee is decreasing which I think helps.

This is the worse of the two...the one behind my knee. It is pretty gross... part of it is still seeping...today it seemed to seep more than it has been.The place that is seeping does sting a little today. I tried to put some antibiotic cream on it to see if that will help. I hope it does. I do think I am getting better still... Today I was very tired after yesterday...but I also think it is good for me to do that because when school starts I will need to be able to put in 8 hour days. That may be tough at first, but I will do my best.

I guess that's all for now... hope everyone is doing well...and not too grossed out my the pics. And to my friend who had a hard day...I'm sending you a hug!

RED toes

I apologize for not writing yesterday. I just did not know what to write about. Part of this process that is hard for me is that my conversations with people have the same topic... my knee. Naturally that is what the conversation centers around at this point...which is ok. I think I am just tired of how much I am consumed by my knee...have been consumed by it for such a long time now. I felt good yesterday, but admit that I wasn't happy go lucky. I was not content...I tried reading, not ok, movies, not ok, napping, couldn't get comfortable, went online...bored...everything just seemed the same. I was also feeling frustrated at how much EVERYTHING I do is now calculated. leaving my apartment, just to go onto the porch... gotta use the crutches, avoid any possible obstacles, figure out how to open the door while holding it open so I don't scratch myself...I was exhausted of having to think so much... ok, yes..mark it on the calendar...I, me, the overanalyzer of the east... was tired of thinking. So... I do what I always do when I am not feeling up to par.... withdrew from people a little. Though I will say I had a great conversation with Lola. Other than that highlight, I spent a good part of the day feeling sorry for myself and mad about how much energy goes into thinking about any little thing I want to do.

Today I got my head out of my BFA... (BFA is a term borrowed from my great friend Meg... it stands for Big Fat Ass.) partly because I was still in bed when Meg came to visit. I knew she was coming, but she got here early. She came down to do some laundry and dishes for me...pretty great, right? We had a good visit and she wanted to play canasta. She thought without my mom here she had a chance of winning.... good to know she is an optimist.....but I kicked her butt...hard.... and loved it. In canasta there is an understanding that what you say is not meant to be taken to heart...name calling, while not encouraged, is forgiven....Meg lashed out in one of her weaker moments and told me she hoped my physical therapist hurt me good today! She had no malicious intent and the kind of friendship we have, it was all said in fun.... although she knew I was a little nervous about PT today. While Meg was here my physical therapist called...she was going to be early... OHHHH NOOOOO... I hadn't had time to stretch much... because of Meg's need to get beat in canasta... so I jumped on the CPM machine, hoping for miracles.... "P," the physical therapist, had warned me Wednesday that if my range of motion had not improved much...she would have to mannually stretch me...which she had done before and it hurt... so I was motivated. I was also hoping she didn't hurt me much because I was supposed to go out later with some friends for a pedicure...

So Meg left... and P arrived... and .... I had her measure my range twice..hoping the second time would show enough of an improvement.... but... it didn't... I could tell by her face... but it wasn't too bad. It hurt...I laid on my bed, on my stomach and bent my knee as far up as I could...raising my foot toward the ceiling...and when I could go no further she had me relax as she held it there....then she pushed it...gently, but pushed it.... until I said...ok...which meant, That Hurts now!!! Ten times we did that... TEN TIMES.....but I know it is good for me. After she left I iced my knee for about an hour. I talked a little to P and she encouraged me to get out of the house…said it would be good for my soul… I know she is right, but it takes so much energy. I did still want to go for the pedicure....and as you can see from the picture above... I got there...Kris and Suellen came by and we managed to get me into the back of Kris's little SUV. We got to the mall for our pedicures and I was very excited to be out of my house. So it was our turn and we went to sit in the chairs where they do the pedicures…. Houston, we have a problem….I could not bend my leg enough to get it into the little water bath part of the chair…but I decided that wasn’t going to stop me and asked the woman to do her best given that I couldn’t bend my leg. And she did… so now I have RED toes…very red. Then Kris and Sue stayed for dinner, pizza with chicken, tomato, green pepper, and onion… YUM… then… you are never going to believe this… I left my house again… TWICE in one day… I know… you won’t believe it…but I did… We went to the movies to see “No Reservation.” It was a good movie…very much a chick flick…but good.

A huge THANK YOU to Kris and Sue for today. It felt so good to go out… and you both were so gracious when you helped me carry my purse so I could crutch without falling…and helped me feel good about being out….you encouraged me and I appreciate it. You are good friends. Also to Meg... I know you know how much I appreciaate your visits and your help...you know how hard it is for me to accept people's kind gestures and help.... thank you for making it so easy to let you help me.

Not to bore you all but I want to get a little philosophical for a minute…today while I was in the shower…which felt extra good today…I was thinking about a book I love…”Conversations with God.” I have mentioned it here before. I was thinking about it in regard to pain…this was after P had left. The book talks about needing to know/experience something so that we can know/experience its opposite. We recognize day because we recognize night…we know hot because of cold or cold because of hot….so in the shower I was thinking about why I am having to feel this pain…so that when it is gone… I will know it is gone….I can’t wait for that day…

Hills and Valleys...

Free from the SOCKS

That's right... no more socks for me...no more socks for me.... ha ha ha ha ha ha.... Yahooooo.... It was soooooooooooooo nice to not have those things on my legs... after three weeks...FREE at last!!!

No big news to share today other than the socks...Physical therapist "P" came by today and seemed satisfied with what I am doing, but wants me to be able to bend my knee more than I can right now... so she threatened me.... EEK... at the beginning of last week she had done some stretches with me that involved her pushing my knee...bending it further than I could get it to go... and it hurt... a lot.... for days.... Well... if there isn't much improvement by Friday.... she is going to do it again... so that I won't see her again until Monday and I will have lowered my hatred for her by then. So that does not sound pleasant. So tonight I used the CPM machine for a long time... as I was watching 24...season 1... which I am now addicted to.

"P" was the only person who stopped by today...which in a way was good because I had time to myself... I do love seeing people, but today I was able to really be relaxed...not that I don't relax with my friends around.... I am not sure how to say it without sounding like I don't want people to come.... because I DO WANT people to come...but today was the first day since before surgery that I..well...could just be...I think it re-energized me a little...making me ready for more company later in the week.

I couldn't sit in my truck today...so I am worried about the pedicure for Friday...I hope I can get in by then... so tomorrow I may spend a lot of time out there, trying to do it... cross your fingers for me. I want it so bad.

My incision I think is healing... today after doing things like the CPM machine and some of my exercises, there were traces of blood on things...but not the yellowy stuff... I take that to be a good thing....thinking that is has healed over and the blood is from when the scab is stretched... pleasant I know...but this is my life people...it still isn't pretty...I will try to post new pics of the incisions/scars soon.

I am going to keep this short because I am in Harry Potter mode... I had begun reading it while in Boston, then took a break for a while, but picked it up again today and it is getting good... so it is pulling me away from you......for now.
Hope you all are well.

Late Entry

Hey Blog buddies! It is late for me to be posting, but today has been a weird kind of day. I was tired most of the day and tried to take a nap this afternoon, which ended up being a lot of time tossing and turning and very little sleep. My leg hurt quite a bit today compared to how it has been feeling. It has been really stiff and hard to bend...even harder than usual. I doubt I could have gotten in the truck today. So tonight I am more awake than usual. THe good part about that is that I had the chance to talk to my friend Jill who lives in California. Jill and I grew up together. We weren't close friends until our senior year in high school. She is a cool chick. She has had a lot of different experiences since high school and is now married with two kids in CA. She is happy and I am sooo happy for her. She is one of those people who has been in and out of my life since high school. She is better at staying in touch than I am. Whenever we get back in touch we seem to be able to pick up where we left off...It's nice. I am so glad that we have reconnected again. She and her family are coming to Maine in a couple of weeks and I will get to meet her kids for the first time. I have seen pics...and they are adorable, but I am so excited to meet them in person. Jill has been following my blog and has definitely helped me keep my head on straight by leaving comments and sending me emails. Like some of my other friends, she is not geographically nearby, but her support is felt strongly. Thanks Jill!

I dread physical therapy tomorrow. I only did my exercises twice today...but that was all my body could handle. Today I felt like I had less control over my knee than I have had in in about a week or so. My brain would tell it something and my knee was like, I don't think so girlfriend! This morning, getting into the shower was more challenging too.. for the first time in a while I was not sure if I was going to bend my knee enough to get that left leg into the shower.... I did, but it was not easy. I have to tell myself that it is ok...that as I do more on my knee I will have a few setbacks...that there will be some pain and that this isn't going to be fixed quickly. Some friends called me tonight...hadn't talked to them since school ended. (They are married and both teachers at my school.) One asked me if I was off crutches yet. I think people hear knee surgery and assume it is arthroscopic and BOOM...back to yourself in a few days. These are two of the people who knew about my surgery and what it would entail, but were very surprised when I talked to them tonight...surprised about how....well...disabled it has made me. Thankfully temporarily....and I gotta say, tonight I was in my kitchen getting some water and as I set one of my crutches aside to be able to bend enough to reach the water that was on the bottom shelf of the fridge...I thought...about people who are on crutches all the time....who do not have a period of recovery to which there is an end. It takes SOOOOOO much more energy to do things...so my hat is off to people who face physical challenges on a daily basis. Bravo!

My head is jumping around tonight from one thing to another...sorry about that.

I had company today...Sheila came by this morning and brought with her, the newest member of her family.... a chihuahua puppy....about 3 months old... He is adorable. My cats could have eaten him for breakfast because he is so small, but cute....so cute! It was great to see Sheila. then Sara and Phil came by. They were out doing some errands and came over to say hello. It was nice.

Jill and I talked tonight...about dating...she's married so she's not in the single scene annymore, but asked me about that part of my life. It's hard...I so want to get married and have kids one day. Just not sure when that day will come. Many times throughout this whole knee process... I have wanted to have someone to lean on...a boyfriend...whose support would be different than one can get from friends and family...not better, just different...and it is hard that I don't have that person...but maybe through all of this... I would not have been a good partner for someone...because it has been so consuming. I can't imagine having had kids and having gone through this pain and depression....so maybe things are working out as they are supposed to. Gotta have faith, right?

So this entry has taken some weird twists and turns my friends....maybe I should stick to blogging in the A.M. hours.... I am going to sign off for now....night...

My wings are tired...

So flying solo can be tiresome. I am not sure where the day went...but it went fast. The nurse was here early to check my incision... says it is ok...but to keep monitoring it. It is funny....they say it is ok, but they don't dare to not come back to look at it in a couple of days... should I be worried about it? They say no, but tell me to keep a close eye on it... ok... I got lunch for myself..some of mom's homemade mac and cheese.. YUMMMMM.... and then company came and before I knew it I had not had a chance to do any exercises or use the cpm machine before physical therapy. (Today's visitors were a couple of ladies from work... they came bearing gifts.... chocolate and Captain Morgan! Good friends!) "P" added some exercises to my routine today that involve me standing up. My right leg was tired after all of them. Oh Yeah... I almost forgot... today when I was making my lunch...without really realizing it I put one of my crutches aside and used only one as I prepared my lunch... I told PT that and she was happy... said that we were going to work on just that today...so... I can start using one crutch...without exhausting myself. I know that mornings are harder because I am stiffer, so I will use both crutches, but throughout the day I am slowly going to transition to one crutch... YAY! How cool is that?

The rest of the day I was lazy... didn't exercise as much as I should have... and am just now in my CPM machine. What did I do? Watched movies...while having a fan blow on the back incision, hoping it would speed up the drying out process. We'll see if it helped. Tomorrow I need to be more disciplined...maybe because mom wasn't here I got a little lax....but if I want to be able to drive... I can't be lax... need to do the exercises...even if they make me tired...and sweaty....

The pain is at a good place now...though I am worried that as the exercises become more demanding it will increase, so I am trying to keep an eye on it. So much to do in a day.... good thing it is summer vacation....I don't think I could work right now...and recover... not enough energy for both....

Time for bed.

Flying SOLO

Mom and Dad left about an hour ago, headed for home. It is hard to believe that I am flying solo. I feel ready and know I will be okay. I can do this on my own, but I have been a little emotional since they left. I just appreciate them so much. I am not a parent and don't pretend to know what it is like to care for your child, even your adult child, when that child is experiencing pain and exhaustion. Mom made things easier for me, more convenient, and I so appreciate it. She was also great company for me. I am not going to miss her waking me up every morning, but I will miss her willingness to do whatever I needed or wanted her to do. She's been away from home for three weeks, today. That is a long time. That is a huge part of her summer that she usually spends up north in her camper. Dad was here for a long time and though he did go home for part of last week and even made it to the mountain, he was not content there without mom. I love that about their relationship. Yes, they do things that frustrate each other....Mom gets off in one room, way away from where Dad is and tries to yell to him...and Dad will sigh and yell back... I can't hear you. Dad does things like packs two lawn chairs when there are three people who need seats...and mom shakes her head....but they respect each other, are courteous to one another...and love each other. I know that my surgery has interfered with their summer, but I also know that they couldn't have done anything differently knowing that I was going through this.

I have so many people in my life...I am blessed....yet this is something I am going through alone. People's support and love is amazing, but it is a hard journey for me... and you know how hard it is for me to admit that something is hard for me. This is....has been....will be.... but every day is getting better. Today I feel like I could walk without crutches, that I would be strong enough...but I tried...and can't... yet... I will be able to be self sufficient without mom here...but only because I know I have people to help me... people who will help when I ask for it.

Today I am tired... I think from my adventure yesterday...it wiped me out. I so want to go to that concert with Sara and Phil tonight, but I just don't think it is smart at this point... I think it would be taking on more than I am ready for. I weighed a lot of options...even thought about going only if I could take my own vehicle so if I decided to leave Sara and Phil could still enjoy the show...I even sat in my truck today before mom and dad left...and actually got my foot in... so I will be driving soon.... though not very far because it was not very comfortable. But...I don't want to do something tonight and pay for it later... so I am not going. Sara called a little while ago and I told her I wasn't going to go. She was fine with it and asked if she and Phil could come have dinner with me before they went to the show. I will love to see them. I haven't seen them since I was in the hospital in Boston....they have been on the go a lot, including vacation, so it will be great to see them.

Anyway... I am on my CPM Machine.... did I tell you that it was not adjusted right for the length of my leg?? My physical therapist readjusted it the other day and come to find out... I am not up to 90 degrees.... I am up to 76 degrees... but hopefully that will increase this week.

I know mom and dad will read my blog later...and Mom and Dad, I want you to know how much I love you and appreciate how much you love me! Thanks for EVERYTHING!

(By the way.. I took the picture of the seagull when Sara and Melissa and I went to the outdoor concert.)

short hello

Hello... today was a good day...hot again...but good. I am beat tonight as I type. I left my apartment today....actually left the driveway too! Mom and Dad's truck has a back seat that I am able to get into...so they took me on an outing. We first went to CVS because I needed some shampoo and conditioner...and wanted to try a new kind, so I had to go into the store to find one...with my ugly circulation socks even! I hobbled around on my crutches with mom close behind with a shopping basket. Then we took sandwiches to the ocean for supper. We were hoping to find some cooler air, but the place we went was still pretty hot...and crowded. I was out of the house for maybe a total of two and a half hours... and I am beat. TIRED..... phew... who would have thought such simple things could be so tiring. Other than that, I feel pretty good today...stronger... I am sure tomorrow I will feel even better. Time for bed... zzzzzzz........zzzzzzzzzz.zzz.....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

H O T

OMG....(Oh my God) it is HOT! Had to throw a little instand messaging lingo in there so you all know how hip I am. Today's goal was to not melt. It was a hard goal.

I woke up this morning and my stomach felt a little off. Didn't dare finish my orange juice with breakfast... oh well. I was sleepy this morning, didn't sleep great the second half of the night last night. So I took my time getting up and around. I took a long shower...Mom anxiously waited outside the door, listening for the water to shut off so she could do dishes. But I took my time. After my shower I lazed around a bit longer and used the CPM machine. I then got a phone call...someone shouting at me... "YOU BETTER BE READY.... and laughter... I brought Reinforcements!!! Get outta bed and get ready to get beat!!! We're five minutes away...start shuffling!" Meg....after getting her behind handed to her the other day in canasta decided that she would challenge us...again....and brought someone to join her...a partner game this time... her partner...was her friend Brenda, who grew up playing canasta, but hasn't played regularly recently. So it was Mom and me against Meg and Brenda, a.k.a. "Red Dog." I admit, there were some moments when Red Dog showed some canasta skills...but in the end... mom and I prevailed....twice. So Meg left again, with her ego damaged. She is so competitive, I love beating her. That's not nice, I supposed, but I love it. She is so funny...whenever she or her partner discarded something mom or I could pick up, Meg hit herself in the head and said, Stupid, Stupid....reminded me of Dobby in Harry Potter. (Which by the way I have yet to finish the last book... so do NOT tell me any details about it!)

So... the rest of the day... well...around 1:15 I got my sneakers on, ready for physical therapy. P had told me that we were going to walk down my driveway and back. I have been walking around the upper part of the driveway, but the lower part slopes and she didn't want me to do the slope in my flip flops....go figure. Then I got on the machine until P arrived. P said it was too hot to go outside to exercise. Yay P!!!! So we did stuff inside and she added a new exercise for me. We are also backing off one of the stretches until that part of my incision closes back up a little... it re-opened today...not good. I may have to go to the doc on Monday if it doesn't start closing again. (I would go to the guy here in Portland who referred me to Boston.) The rest of the day was spent using my cryocuff, which was not only good for my knee, but good for staying a little cooler. Then dad arrived around 5 ish... He said he sees improvements in how I am motoring and got a kick out of the bell on my crutches. Mom told him when the newness wears off, he will find it annoying.

So...this means that I am close to flying solo.... yup... I think mom and dad will hit the road Sunday or Monday... (Monday if I end up needing to go to the dr's) Mom is nervous about it. She asked the physical therapist some questions today and got some reassurance that I will be ok. I do feel like I will be fine...yes..it will be more challenging, but I will do ok. And if I need help mom... I PROMISE I will ask.

More ME

Big Big News.... today..... I did my physical therapy exercises...the leg lift ones...without help!!! (Mom was cheering me on, but did not help in any physical way!) Sweet Success!!! Now I need to work on keeping my leg a little straighter when I do it... I am bending at the knee a little...but Physial Therapist "P" says it is all muscle control. P comes back again tomorrow. I am going to see if maybe she can help me get into my truck... I am beginning to get a little stir crazy and want to at least go for a drive if I want to.

This is a painting of gladiolus that I found at http://www.onlinekompagniet.dk/images/malerier/gfx_olie_gladiolus_92.jpg I really like gladiolus. I have them in my flower garden every year. They are such a pretty flower...so colorful! I have been walking to my gladiolus each day...but forget my camera, so this painting will have to do!)

Ahhhh... Last night I slept... yup... dare I say.....WELL.... shhhh... I don't want to say it too loud because I might jinx myself into not sleeping well tonight. Today I felt more like myself than I have in a while. Yahoo! I felt pretty strong today and felt like being a little devious...that has to be a good sign. Right? Another great thing about last night was that I got to talk to Rico. I was very happy about that. We hadn't talked since surgery and it was nice to catch up. Rico... your dream kept me smiling today... hope it did the same for you!

The visiting nurse came today to take my blood for the last time! Yay! I will have to be on the blood medication through Tuesday, but no need for more tests. I am relieved about that. Which also means........ THE SOCKS can come OFF on Wednesday... IF...and only IF... I behave... do a lot of walking, watch for swelling, etc... if I notice swelling I am supposed to wear them again. So I am going to do what I need to do! While the nurse was here she looked at my incision...the one on the back of my leg... Mom has been a little concerned about it because part of it is opening up and seeping!!! EEEWWW... not pleasant...maybe more info than you need, but I have had to cover things up with sheets or towels so that the seepage doesn't stain anything important. (I know...gross...but I am giving my true account of things here people...a little seepage is normal, but is supposed to decrease... this was increasing a little.) I can't contort myself enough to get a good look at it, but the nurse says it is no big deal... that because of where the incision is, it will be harder to heal. She pulled/pushed my skin back together and added some extra bandages and thinks it will do the trick. Even though I won't be having blood drawn anymore the nurse will continue to come and check on me....which I gotta say is comforting, knowing that the incision is not healing as well as the one on the front, which is healing really well. (Knock on wood!)

Kris and Suellen came by tonight and brought dinner over for me and mom... how cool is that? (They are the ladies who pimped my walker with the flowers!) They brought over some cooked chicken, veggies, mashed potato and cranberry sauce... YUMMY... AND they brought ICE CREAM from Cold Stone Creamery! I have some pretty great people around here... (And some pretty great people who are not geographically close, but close to my heart!) While they were here Kris and I set a goal for me....for next week. The goal is to be able to be bendy enough by Friday...one week from tomorrow... to get into a vehicle...go to a salon...and get pedicures! My toes are unpainted right now... Yup...naked toes... and for those of you who know me...you know I ALWAYS have them painted...even in winter. I couldn't have polish on them for the surgery and if I tried to paint them myself right now... well...due to the inflexibility... I would do well to paint my toes...let alone the nails. So I need to think of a color. I think I want something BOLD. Why not?

My sister was supposed to be coming up with the boys this weekend but my oldest nephew, the one who was here for a few days... has strep throat... and it is really bad... he has hives because his body reacts so strongly to strep...not good. Sis decided it would be too much for him, plus, not knowing who else is carrying the strep, doesn't want to infect me. I GREATLY appreciate that! Our family is very cautious about strep... when I was in high school my grandmother got such a severe strep infection whe almost died. It was horrible.... the same thing that killed Jim Henson...Not good... so... I prefer to not risk being around strep right now....though I am sad to not see my sister and the boys.

This weekend I am supposed to go to a concert... I am not sure if I will be able to go or not. Sara and Phil got me a ticket a while ago. It is at a local bar...a very small venue... and it will be, I am sure, a good show. My cocerns are: This bar is located downstairs in the basement of a building...so that involves going down and coming up an entire flight of stairs...have not done that yet...I have to have my leg up when I am sitting down or it swells and gets painful... not sure at a concert I could find a footstool...and...I am sure it would be a later night than what I am used to these days...even if I did take a nap... Plus...Sara loves this guy's music and I don't want her to have to worry about me being okay or would not want to have to leave part way through because of pain or discomfort...so...we'll see. (And of course... the socks...are an issue... I don't want to wear pants because I need to let air get to the incisions to heal....and well... the socks with shorts... not a good look. ahhhhhh) Maybe I have a skirt somewhere that would kind of work...)

My dad is heading back down here tomorrow. I think he misses Mom... awwww...how sweet. He did go camping for a couple of nights solo, but said it wasn't the same. So he will be heading down mid day and I believe he is planning to stop and see his mom on his way through.

Wow... this has become a long blog... apparently I am feeling better!

40 minute countdown...

Physical therapist P.. will be here in 40 minutes... how can I escape in those 40 minutes? Hmmm? I can't get into my truck... on either side...because my leg won't bend...so driving or being driven somewhere won't work... I am not very fast on my crutches so by the time I got down the driveway she would be here...at 6'6" tall, I can't exacly hide anywhere...and simply covering myself up with blankets would look a little silly. I did not sleep well again last night... pain kept me up...reminds me of pre-surgery. I got up this morning and did my first round of exercises and my first hour on my CPM machine. I am currently on the CPM machine waiting for my next torture...I mean PT session....I took two pain pills about 15 minutes ago, so I am hoping that the pain won't be too bad during the session. Maybe she will teach me some tricks of how to get into my truck... I won't tell her it would be so that I can escape from future appointments. :-) ahhhhhhh......

I chose this picture of the giraffe because it looks like it is trying to hide...unsuccessfully... I can relate...

Website of giraffe image: http://www.arizonasteve.com/photos/phxzoo0603/giraffe03.jpg