tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10639237047122692522024-02-19T13:52:06.093-05:00I have PVNSThis blog began as a way for me to record my journey with PVNS, its struggles as well as many moments of success.The posts have slowly been moving away from PVNS as has my life, but PVNS(pigmented villonodular synovitis) is still a part of my life....I hope others can read my experiences and feel less isolated. My surgery was July 17th 2007, and the posts after that date include pics of the incisions/scars. Best of luck to other PVNS patients/survivors!TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.comBlogger976125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-56468008457374323992015-09-12T18:47:00.000-04:002015-09-12T18:47:12.239-04:00Closing up shop? I have not been using this blog as much as I used to... and I almost feel that this blog, under the PVNS umbrella, has run its course... I hope my journey with PVNS is over.... I just completed some information for research about pvns and it was a difficult process for me. I am glad that there is research being done and hope that there are medications that can help people with pvns... There have been some times over the last several months where I was scared that PVNS had come back... and since I am a bit stubborn and have not gone to see a doctor about it I can not say with 100% certainty, but... I don't think it is back. I have found that being more active brings relief to the pain and stiffness I was feeling. I think I have arthritis... well I know I have arthritis in that knee, my doctors told me that the last time I saw them in Boston, but I think it has worsened... and know I need to be active in order to keep my knee as healthy as I can... Providing information for the research team brought some intense emotions to the surface and while I am happy to participate, it also felt like I was giving pvns power in my life again, and I didn't like that feeling. In a way, made me want to distance myself further from pvns... I am grateful for the connections this blog has brought me as well as the support... it has been a place for me to process many difficult things in my life and I thank you all for indulging me over the years... <br />
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I am considering starting another blog, one that is more related to my life, as a homeowner, as an assistant principal, as a daughter, sister, niece, friend, etc... but it will likely not be a blog that will be 'open to the public'... as I don't feel the need to be available to people as a resource on something like PVNS... I need to find a way to get this blog published into a hard copy, for myself, to have... and will keep it up for a while longer and as I figure out my next blogging steps will see if I can keep the posts related to pvns, but maybe remove some of the other things...<br />
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So... loyal blog readers...thank you... for those of you who are my friends and family outside of the virtual world, if you want to have access to another blog (should I decide to do one) let me know...<br />
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in the meantime...Be well... be happy! TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-11243191074544665072015-07-05T13:04:00.001-04:002015-07-05T13:04:54.307-04:00Home Sweet HomeI am not sure exactly what this post will entail... I have been thinking... a lot... about a lot... home ownership and its meaning... about women... our amazing strength for so many things in our lives and our, almost universal, insecurities... about men... as it relates to relationships... about work and the new challenges and new possibilities.. and summer... and how much I love living in Maine... That's a pretty wide variety of topics... yet somehow they are all related in my life these days...<br />
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Home ownership... I guess I will start there... I have been in my house just over two months... and have worked hard to make it home... well maybe that isn't true... I haven't really worked at making it feel like home... that happened quickly... being here has felt right from day one...from the moment I looked at this house I felt like it was supposed to be mine... My decor fits here... I fit here...There has been a lot of work put in to the house to get settled... maybe that's a better way to put it... I have had a lot of help getting things done here... and adding some very special touches... like stained glass in one of my windows... Dad and Betty helped with a lot of things here... my friends have helped me too, encouraging me and being so happy for me. My sisters... have been so happy for me and have been so supportive... and even friends of my family have helped and been happy for me... people, almost everyone who has come here...have said, "This house is so you..." At first I wondered about that a bit... but as I think about it, as I look around as I type this... they are right... this place has character... it fills with sunshine even on dreary days it feels light here... I have had some family members here and it feels so good to have that... and I will have my nephews again soon and will create more memories here with them. Many friends have been here and I look forward to having more gatherings, more girls nights, and much more love and laughter here... I was very excited recently that two of the women in my life, who I adore, were able to make time in their schedules to come here for dinner. They came by and we spent time outside on my patio having some beverages and talking... and when we got rained out we moved the party inside and had great conversation. They are, in so many ways, so strong... and so smart... I am very lucky that the people in my life are so smart... they are beautiful... for who they are, what they love, how they care for people in their lives... I love them. They are both athletic, in my mind skinny, and physically beautiful... our conversation that night covered many topics... including body image... I was in awe...because they both are unhappy with their bodies... I am overweight, and while I know it is something I need to work on, I do not obsess about it or feel badly about it... they are thin, I think that they are smaller than I was when I was a kid... and they feel badly about their bodies... we spent a lot of time talking about it... and it made me feel lucky... to be as happy with myself as I am... I do have some insecurities, of course, we all do... but I am not going to not wear a bathing suit because of worrying about my appearance... the timing was interesting because recently when I have bought clothing I have been staying away from dark drab colors which is or has been my pattern... I have been buying bright colors... and choosing clothing that in the past I would not have considered... I have a couple of dresses that I really like...and while I am not sure if they are exactly right for me, for my body, I have worn them and feel good wearing them... my friends and I talked about how there are some women that we see who look amazing no matter their weight or clothing choice... and we all agreed that it was not their clothing or body that made them look amazing.. it is their confidence... and we all agreed to try to have a bit more of that... a day or two later a similar conversation came up with another friend... who has been battling some of her own demons... relationship stuff... body stuff... and she shared that she had recently spent time with a friend she had when she was in college... he had asked if she was okay because she had...'lost her sparkle'... the sparkle she had when she was in college. And she has decided that she is going to get it back... we too talked about confidence... she said that she feels that her confidence has been shaken a bit in the last couple of years...as she endured some difficulties... those struggles dulled her shine... and it is time for her to polish herself to let that light shine through... Since then... I have been observing people, women really, and the confidence, our confidence is our power... I really believe that women do not have to be beautiful in the way that society and the magazines dictate to be beautiful... the women who have struck me as most beautiful... rarely fit those societal parameters... the women who I identify as beautiful have an energy or aura about them... not arrogant, not aware that others see them as beautiful... but those who seem the most content with who they are... fast forward..or maybe it's rewind.. back to the house... something about having this house makes me feel more content... another friend...who believes in a lot of metaphysical stuff... especially energy... has told me my energy has shifted since being at the house... she says I am settled and content... and recently I went out on a date... after reluctantly posting a profile for online dating in which I said I am beautiful...not because of fitting into the stereotypical definitions of beauty but because of who I am, what I believe in, what I do and how hard I work at the things in my life I find important... which as I posted it felt arrogant to say, who says they see themselves as beautiful? but then... I thought about all of my female friends who are beautiful... who come in all shapes and sizes and I classify them as beautiful because of who they are, what they believe, and how hard they work at things... so I decided that posting it on an online profile would be posting my truth... Anyway... I went out on a date... with a man from the website... and after we spent quite a bit of time together he said he was impressed with the fact that I seem to have my life together...... and he hasn't called since... he may... or he may not... either way that's okay... It was a nice compliment to receive.. So... I also said that men and relationships with them has also been on my mind.. but I think I will keep that one percolating for a while longer... it's one of the things I contemplate here and there... and sometimes while I am kayaking.. which I got to do yesterday... with a woman who is originally from Belgium. Her life story is very interesting... left her home at age 15 and had been on her own since.. has lived in the US for almost 30 years... and has lived in so many places here... she was so grateful for the chance to kayak with me and see the beauty Maine has to offer. It was fun to show her... That's how I spent my day yesterday, on the water... and was happy to have a quiet uneventful 4th of July... until I came home... I opened my door with arms filled with a few groceries and heard a ticking sound... a sound that caused confusion and then I realized that ticking was water dripping... not good. Water had leaked from my upstairs bathroom down through the floor and was dripping out of the ceiling in my kitchen and bathroom on the first floor. Not good. I did say some choice words, but to my surprise, did not freak out, cry, or panic... I just did... turned off the water, cleaned things up and then called dad for advice... and remained calm... what other choice did I have? And then... after that... I had to plant some raspberry bushes that a family friend had brought by... she had soaked the roots in water and I knew that they should be planted sooner than later... and the date I mentioned before, had told me that the best time to plant was on dreary days or when it was slightly raining... so yesterday was perfect for that... so I went out and planted them... it was a lot of work... I had to dig up some of my lawn... which is hard work... but got them situated... I am very excited to have raspberries....I love them... so next year I will have strawberries, rhubarb, and raspberries! I also recently planted some pepper plants and tomato plants... the friend who dropped of the raspberries had sent me a note saying how much I have done here and how beautiful everything looks. The plants (except for the tomatoes and peppers) are all plants that take care of themselves.. and are low maintenance... I like that... I will have to replant veggies each year and sunflowers... but... so far I am enjoying that. <br />
Despite the water damage yesterday... I love my house... love owning this home... and feel like this home has helped me find my own sparkle again... and to be happy in a way I have not yet had in my life...<br />
I love sharing my home with my family and friends and look forward to sharing it with more friends and family! <br />
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<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-78394655232896295422015-06-07T20:00:00.001-04:002015-06-07T20:00:52.487-04:00Another GraduationIt is hard to believe that it is graduation season... again... Today I watched my students receive their diplomas...I remember most of the conversations I have had with them over the years since becoming their assistant principal... In every group of graduates there are kids who have overcome... this group is no exception. I watched nine kids get their diploma who did so knowing one of their parents wasn't there because they died before being able to witness this milestone in the lives of their children... I watched two of my girls graduate with their class despite people expecting them to have dropped out because they each had a baby when they were 15...mothers, at 15, and busted their asses to graduate in four years!!! I watched students who were not born in this country... who have had to learn the language and culture here and who have succeeded in meeting the same demands as their peers... I got to see students who, despite having two parents in their lives, have done this ALL on their own... I saw kids for whom school appeared to be easy appreciate the struggles of the kids sitting next to them... I saw kids who have been and will be loners... I saw a son of immigrant parents fall into their arms after the ceremony and who stepped in to translate for them as I congratulated them and told them what a nice son they have raised...I saw kids who I saw in my office almost daily... and some who never set foot in my office... and they graduated... As I shook their hands and got huge hugs from some... I had a huge sense of pride... I have always been a cheerleader for the underdogs... Some of them I wish I had known better... One girl today, gave me a HUGE hug and thanked me so much for reaching out to her, that I had helped her, she said... I met her, officially, for the first time in my office, about three weeks ago... and asked her about her attendance and my concern that it had dropped off and I was concerned that maybe she was being made to feel uncomfortable... ( a little birdie had told me as much) ... and she told me she was fine... but that there were a few people in one of her classes who always use their phones and she had anxiety about what they may be doing with their phones... worried they were taking pictures of some of the kids in her class and posting them online, on social media, making fun of them... she told me she isn't their subject... that she is off the radar enough ... but that others are not so lucky... Our conversation was maybe 8 minutes long... and since that day she has gone out of her way to say hello to me, and smiled across the halls and cafeteria... and today she thanked me.... What I will tell her, somehow... probably a note I will mail... is that it is me who needs to thank her. She brought something to my attention that I had not thought about... cell phones in classes... Yes, I have thought about kids using them in classes when they are supposed to be working or paying attention... but I had not thought of the angst the use of cell phones cause the other students in the room... the fear or worry that other kids are being made fun of online... the fear or worry that they are being made fun of online... the underlying anxiety that can make kids as uncomfortable as the kids who are outwardly picked on... and it is something I need to change... so her gratitude...was humbling to me... It was a reminder that I need to reach out to more kids... she is quiet, painfully shy, and I believe that a short conversation with me, concerned for her well being, meant a lot to her... what about the kids I didn't get to? what if I had? And... I am reminded how much these kids teach me... every group of graduates... have their stories... for some of them I get to play some kind of role in those stories... some, I am sure, see me as the villain... while others, I believe see me as a parent... There are so many kids... kids who need someone... someone to believe them... to believe in them... to hold them accountable... someone they don't want to disappoint... I am grateful that I get to play those roles... they break my heart at times... worry me sick...keep me awake at night... but on graduation day... I get to be proud... of who they are, what they have done... and for the few who didn't make it across that stage today... I will keep pushing... to take next steps to get to where they want to be... my job with them is not yet done... TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-77054823672081113322015-05-10T21:13:00.002-04:002015-05-10T21:13:43.967-04:00Birthday, graduation, and mother's day... Oh my! Mother's Day...<br />
In previous years...in the years since mom died, I have often used Mother's Day as an opportunity to kayak...to do something that Mom and I did so often together... and it has been a way for me to really take time to acknowledge the day and what it is about...<br />
Of course Mother's day is different for everyone... for me it is about family... and about remembering and missing my mom. I am fortunate that my family is in a place where we have Betty and Jacey in our lives... and something that is so beautiful about it... is that today after giving Betty her Mother's Day cards... she loudly thanked Mom for making us (Me, Sis, and Dad) who we are and for teaching us to have so much love... to have someone like Betty, in Dad's life, in our lives, who not only tolerates our discussions of Mom.. but embraces and encourages them... is a gift. I think it is rare... and I treasure it. <br />
I did not get on the water today, though I could have. This morning I woke up to my house being filled with my family... Dad and Betty were here (they got here Thursday night) and Sis and the boys were here... (Jacey stayed at her place not too far from here.) I loved having everyone here...in my house... Dad was the first person up... he got the coffee maker going and headed outside to 'get some air'... something he thinks there is less of in southern Maine than northern... I got up around 6:30 and realized I needed to run to the grocery store because my plan was to make waffles and quiche for breakfast and I did not have milk... I will say that at 7:15 on Mother's Day morning the grocery store is filled with men of all ages buying cards and flowers... go figure! It was nice to make breakfast for everyone... to have some time together before everyone left...<br />
I should probably share, to contextualize, that it was a family filled weekend. Friday was my birthday... and it was mom's birthday too. Birthdays have gotten a bit easier since she died... but... it's such a bittersweet day... My connection with Mom is one that I miss and continue to crave... with so many good things going on, I wish I could tell her all about it, sit with her and just talk... kayak with her again... hear her sing to herself... see her smile and hear her laugh... This was a big birthday for me... I turned the big 4 - 0!! Mom would have been 63...<br />
I ended up taking the day off from work. I had scheduled the furnace people to be here to clean the furnace and originally Dad had said he would come down and be here so I didn't have to worry about it... but... knowing there were still things I wanted to get done here... I opted to take a personal day. I am glad I did... It was a great day with Dad and Betty... we all puttered... I got my screens installed in my sunroom...how could people have that kind of space and NOT have screens? It has been so nice to be able to open the windows and get some fresh air in there! Betty gave me such a huge gift... she transformed one of my windows from this...<br />
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I LOOOOOOVE it so much! Growing up we would visit my mother's uncle and his wife... and they had a stained glass window and I loved sitting on their stairs and looking at the way the glass and the light accented each other... and now... now I have a stained glass window! I am truly making this place my home and this adds to that process so so much... I am so appreciative! </div>
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Dad and I stayed busy too... we went to pick up something one of my students made for me... something that we were told weighs probably 1000 pounds... </div>
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A fire pit... made in the masonry program by one of my students... we did not get a chance to use it this weekend, but trust me, I am breaking that thing in soon!!! Dad had brought down his trailer and the school where it was made loaded it onto the trailer... and I wasn't sure how dad and I would get it off... we needed to make sure that we did so without hurting ourselves.. not an easy feat... and I am sure there would have been much more practical and safer ways.. but... we put some straps around it while it was in the trailer on the back of dad's truck... and hooked those straps to my truck... and well... I hit the gas and we got it out... and it is not going to move... ever! <br />
Dad also managed to hang a sign that another student made for me...<br />
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That is a perfect sign for my garage! <br />
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Friday night we went to see Jacey at a ceremony held by her program to celebrate their graduation from their masters program. She had finished in December, but the fanfare was this weekend. The ceremony was a bit long and boring, but it was good to support her. I heard from many friends that day... and on our way home from that, I got another bday gift... I heard that a book I am working on is likely to be published next spring! A book about kayaking and Mom would LOVE it! Maybe it was mom's way of giving me a little nod...<br />
Saturday Dad and Betty went to the graduation ceremony for Jacey and I waited at the house for Sis and the boys to arrive... wow have they gotten TALL!!! (Where would they get that from?) <br />
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Ben is only like 2 inches shorter than me!!! he is 15 and is about 6'4!!! The biggest difference was in Jack... He is easily 5'10 or 5'11... and he is in 7th grade! They were so excited to get here and see the house... the boys raced through looking at every room. I think I got their stamp of approval. Jack kept saying it was so much bigger than the condo I lived in... it isn't THAT much bigger, but feels like it. They brought me a birthday gift.. gardening supplies including sunflower seeds... 3 packages of them, all varying heights... so we decided to plant them... (plus I had a package too as my plan was to plant some in front of my fence so that the late summer would be brilliantly yellow!!) <br />
Jack and Davin helped me plant them.. plant them ALL! <br />
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It is a long fence.. (it's my neighbor's fence that separates our yards...) and there will be a ton of sunflowers!!! I may be known as THAT sunflower lady! I can't wait! We also planted some cucumbers and spaghetti squash... in with the strawberry plants that are already growing! <br />
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This is my small garden... The garden gnome was part of the bday gift...and Davin thought that was the best place for it... to protect the garden... I hope to get some good berries and cukes! <br />
We had some good food for lunch and had a bbq for dinner for those of us who are not fans of seafood... and for those who are... they had some mussels, clams, and lobstah... some had a combination of both. By the time we were done with dinner it was too late to break in the fire pit... so may have to wait until next weekend to do that! <br />
<br />
So... this weekend was so full... of love, of family... or projects... and celebration... I really am lucky... and I really continue to miss Mom on these occasions...<br />
<br />
I am glad there is a day for people to take time to recognize their mothers... but it is so hard for those who have lost their moms... I think of my friends who are in the same situation... some lost their mom's more recently... but no matter how long it has been... it is hard... I especially think of Sis of course... Rico... Jill... Debbie... sadly there are others too... but the bond I share with these people about the loss of a mother... is something I cannot describe...<br />
Rico is spending some time in his mom's town... and he is happy to be there alone... I am happy he is there... happy he is taking time he needs to 'be' with her...<br />
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I also need to recognize this mother's day... the people who want so much to be a mother (or a father) and have not yet been given that gift... and also need to recognize the people who mother other people's children... either professionally or personally... I do not have any children... but often feel like I parent the kids in my school... and I am grateful for that opportunity...even on the hard days... also thinking about a friend of mine for whom the mother child relationship is not easy right now... she will hang in there and it will eventually be okay... <br />
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I hope y'all enjoyed Mother's day... and hope that if you have people in your life who are... motherless... that you took a moment to recognize that... not in a big way or a public way necessarily... but just acknowledgement... <br />
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It was a great birthday/mother's day weekend... I do wish I had gotten a chance to 'be' with Mom today, the way Rico is with his mom tonight... but I will have time on the water soon... I did get out last weekend... in anticipation that the time may not get carved out to do it this weekend... and it was a great trip...<br />
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<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-79673854569832639702015-04-11T20:32:00.003-04:002015-04-11T20:32:42.682-04:009 Days and counting down! There is little my mind thinks about these days besides my house... as the closing date and the move date get closer I find myself exhausted... I think from thinking about it... I have done a lot to get ready for the move... packing, more packing, and even more packing. I have a very good plan for the transition...<br />
The closing will be on a Monday, in the morning... after a final walk through... and once I have the keys (And a huge amount of debt!) I will go tot he house and go inside... and I am pretty sure I will have a moment... so many emotions that will surface... pride... I am very proud to be doing this on my own... gratitude... because I am not really doing this on my own... I have amazing support in my life... people who have and will continue to encourage and help me.... happiness... about having a place I can really call home... fear... this is a big undertaking and I have so much to learn about home repairs, snow blowers, and lawn mowers... and other things I don't even know I don't know yet... and... I am certain there will be a moment, or perhaps a few, of grief. While this is such a big thing for me, such a positive thing... it has also made me miss Mom... which I do every day, but this magnifies that... there are events in life that I always thought mom would be a part of... and buying a home is one of them. Whenever my sister or I would move to a new place Mom would say she couldn't wait to visit us because she needed to SEE where we were... she said until that time, she pictured us kind of just floating out there somewhere... and as many people know, when you move, it doesn't feel complete until your people spend time in your new space... Mom never visited me here at this condo or at the apartment I was in before this place... and she won't get to come to my house...<br />
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The people that know me well will not be surprised that this is bringing some of my emotions to the surface...
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and I wish, if even for a minute, Mom could be there… I know
there will be so much excitement as I move in and as I get settled and as the
people I love help me do that… but I will also take time to think of her and
how she would love the natural light… how she would be singing as she was
helping me get settled…I will think of her as I unpack certain things... and as I get some of my decorations up... like the daisy poster I bought... which I need to find a frame for... So I know her presence will be there in ways... but it is emotional for me... </div>
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I am also very overwhelmed... in a good way, by the love and support that I have gotten and continue to get about the house... Dad has been a huge help... and has a daddy do list for when he comes down to help... Betty is so willing to jump in and help and is so excited and encouraging... and I know she will do so much to help while they are here... (I do not yet have a Betty do list... but maybe it will involve keeping us fed!) Jacey has volunteered to help me clean the house the day I close and help me take over a few loads of things I don't want to box up or things that are fragile... and Sue and Mike are going to help me Monday night, Mike is going to unhook my dryer and washer... then on Tuesday Suellen has taken the day off!!! She wanted to be around while the movers are around to help me stay calm and do whatever I need help with... which may mean doing some cleaning at the condo... and Mike is going to hook up the washer and dryer so I can use them as needed... then Wednesday Dad and Betty arrive!!! I am hoping to have the condo cleaned by then... I do have one task I need dad's help with before I turn in my keys.. but am really hoping that once Dad and betty get here I will be done with the condo! Maybe I will plan on coming to the condo that morning and clean until they get here and what I get done in that time is what will get done! Somewhere in there my bedroom furniture will also be delivered and assembled... and then... it's all about settling in! I can't wait... </div>
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So for those people who will be with me during this crazy time... if I forget to say thank you... I will say it here THANK YOU... even though those words seem inadequate for how I feel... </div>
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Love you all!!! </div>
TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-4973137797731168832015-04-06T20:15:00.002-04:002015-04-06T20:15:40.273-04:00Two weeks!Two weeks... and I will be a home owner! WHAT??!! Yup!!! Yahooooo!!!<br />
<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-33100368012055526722015-03-31T20:32:00.001-04:002015-03-31T20:32:23.936-04:0016...I am going to be 40 soon...<br />
I haven't thought much about it... but on the way home today had a thought.. one that freaked me out a bit...<br />
when I turn 40... that is only 16 years younger than mom was when she died...<br />
<br />
16 years...<br />
<br />
that's not long...<br />
<br />
not that I plan on dying at 56... but... wow... 16 years younger...<br />
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she was so young when she died... I hope I can avoid cancer and be healthy for years to come... more than 16...<br />
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<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-24385935907496100942015-02-22T20:31:00.000-05:002015-02-22T20:31:20.687-05:00Before 40The process of buying a house is... well.. daunting...<br />
to continue with the Ally McBeal theme from yesterday... one of the last episodes I watched last night was when Ally bough a house.. and there was a moment where she is defending her choice... to a friend who said something about buying a house was something people are supposed to do as a couple...well... obviously needing to have a husband is not a requirement for getting a mortgage... I have considered myself an independent woman for as long as I can remember... I dislike the women who play the damsel in distress role... but I had always envisioned buying a house with a husband...<br />
<br />
In recent years a couple of my female friends have bought homes on their own... and I admired it... and started thinking about buying a place of my own... that's where the home ownership process begins... dreaming... I gave a lot of thought to what kind of home I would want to buy... and originally, I told myself that as a single woman, it would make most sense to buy a condo... a place where the grounds were kept... snow removed... but after renting a condo and seeing a bit of how the association is run and hearing other people who have had terrible experiences with condo associations... and I fell in love with the idea of not sharing a wall with anyone... to not have to deal with parking issues... and to have a place to store my kayaks without having the association tell me I can't... so a stand alone home makes a better choice for me. <br />
<br />
So... I think I have mentioned that the process of buying a house is a sleepless one... at least for me... so many things to think about... so much responsibility... and the emotions of it all...<br />
<br />
I was worried that undertaking this process would make me think more about being single... and it has.. but not in a bad way... I feel really proud that I am doing this, buying my home as a single woman...<br />
<br />
It does make me emotional... to not have Mom here for it... I just think she would love this house... and I hope to have plenty of her touches there... and it's emotional for me when it comes to my dad as well... Dad is very generous and has helped me with this process and will continue to help me..... I have a Daddy do list in the works... When I talk to him about the house... I can tell he is proud of me... and I hope he loves the house... I hope he agrees that it is a great place for me...<br />
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I will be glad when the process is over... to move in... we have a few more steps to take to get there... but it will be here ... before I turn 40! <br />
<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-51392786538897182582015-02-21T22:18:00.003-05:002015-02-21T22:18:43.205-05:00Ally McBeal... So this week has been school vacation week... and I did not take my nephews for the week as I have done the past couple of years.. I have been packing for my move, to my new house... and in between packing sessions I have been binge watching Ally McBeal... I didn't get into it when it aired on television, but I have one of the soundtracks and it is a mix of music that makes me smile and dance a little... As with many shows the theme of this one, not unlike sex in the city, is for the main character to find love... I am in the fourth season, in which Ally is 32... and she feels old and alone and her biological clock is ticking loudly...<br />
One of the themes in recent episodes is that a huge part of choosing a life partner is whether or not you can see that person as being a great parent to your future children... I suppose that would be an important consideration... and I guess it is one that I have put on my list of qualities I would seek in someone... but... now? As I approach 40... the idea of having children... well... is still in my head somewhere, but more and more I think that I don't want to have kids... i love the idea of having a little adorable me running around... freckles and curly hair... but... I am not sure I see myself sitting at little league games... and there is some guilt that surrounds that because it is what society expects... but... I have a career I love, one that takes a lot of my energy... would I be a good parent if I came home after one of my long days and was emotionally unavailable to my own child? Probably not...<br />
<br />
And it is scary to put it out there... because what if the man I meet, if I meet THE man... what if he has kids? Well... chances are his children would be older... more independent... and I am sure that if he has younger children I would fall in love with them and would then feel differently about little league...<br />
<br />
I love being an aunt... and would have been a great mom, had that opportunity been given to me... and I could still have a baby, probably... but... it doesn't have that same appeal it used to... and adoption would be something I would consider.. but not now... I have other things to think about, to do... and I am selfish... I like being able to take off to go to NYC for a weekend... without arranging child care... I know it would be different if it was my own kids, but... as I look forward in my life... I see my house, making it my own... having lots of people over, having it be a place where people congregate... and I see myself filling it with photos of my travels...<br />
<br />
As I watch Ally McBeal search for love... watch her have her heart broken... I relate... many of us have loves who didn't work out... My heart has been broken... and its scar tissue keeps others at bay... at times... and I seek men, or have sought men, who, need someone who is loving to a point where they need ... healing ... in a way... men who have had significant people absent from their lives... men who play the starving artist card.... (not all artists, but have had that quality... like the sacrificing father moving all the way to be with his son... who expected accolades for that...and I fell for it... when in actuality the surprise factor should have been that he would have considered not coming to be close to his son... or a man who was a very nice person... who was painfully shy... and I was naive enough to think I had found the key to getting him to open up and share things with me to later find out how heavy the wool he had pulled over my eyes really was... and then... then there's the love of my life... which I still keep quite private... but he has a part of my heart... has caused most of the scar tissue in my heart... and ironically has given me the most hope that love can be... true love...)<br />
<br />
I watch her struggle to be in the moment with things... and I relate...<br />
<br />
The current episode is about a man of the clergy who got fired because he no longer believes in god after his wife got murdered during a mugging...<br />
<br />
Shows like Ally McBeal... were/are successful because of the universality of them... and for the unique characters in them... characters who reflect some of our own characteristics.. some who have qualities we still hope to one day have...<br />
<br />
Ally is not my favorite character on the show... her best friend on there, a character named John cage, is my favorite... he is a character with so many idiosyncrasies... with the biggest heart... and laugh out loud moments...<br />
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I think... the show... overall... wants people to have hope... about love... I haven't finished the show, so I am not sure if it has a happy ending... happy at least in the Cinderella way we all envision... but... I think that the biggest hope in the show... is self acceptance... that while we are all distracted by the other things we crave, love, careers, friends... the biggest human flaw is not accepting ourselves, as we are...<br />
<br />
On my good days... I do pretty well with that... self acceptance... but ... often need reassurance...<br />
<br />
And in the words of John Cage, "We get back up.... it's who we are..."<br />
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<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-13948127612799670882015-02-14T10:10:00.003-05:002015-02-14T10:10:55.151-05:00Home Ownership!!! Yup!! <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This is my window... MY window... or will be soon... It has been a whirlwind... The last six days have been perhaps the most exciting (combined with scary) days of my life. Last Sunday, in snow, sleet, and freezing rain (Ok...not really sure I know the difference between sleet and freezing rain... but it's good for dramatic effect!) my realtor, Suellen, and I traveled from house to house (10 total) in my quest to become a homeowner. <br />
<br />
I have, for months, been looking at house listings. The listings that intrigued me I visited many times and tried to envision how the house would feel, how it was set up... Several of my favorite listings were on last Sunday's list. The first house we saw was one that was close to the ocean... and I wanted that house to be perfect for me. But, as I suspected from the pictures... it was too small...literally... the ceiling on the stairs was too low and standing in the basement was impossible... but, as real estate guru's say, the LOCATION was amazing. I am glad that I saw it because seeing it took the romance out of it.... then we went to another house, that, honestly, from the pictures, had become one of my top choices. It was a house that, from the outside, looked like a cottage that belonged oceanside... on the inside... if you could see through the very outdated orange shag carpet and the bedroom colors painted by children whose well intended parents gave their children license to pepto bismol their bedrooms, and past the cracked window panes... was stunning... there was hard wood floors beneath the hideous carpets, a beautiful fireplace with more charm than practicality, and a layout that would have been perfect for entertaining at parties and hosting family... Being in that house felt like I thought it would... full of potential... but realistically it was in need of upwards of $30,000 to get it up to snuff... given that it had been on the market for a while my realtor anticipated the owners would have taken almost any offer I put on the table... and my mortgage people said that in a house that needed a lot of work I could get an estimate from a contractor of the costs to fix it and add that amount to the mortgage... and after being in the house, it was a very tempting consideration... I could picture it... the finished product after lots of work, but... it would have meant living in a construction zone... and likely more, less obvious, work would need to be done... possibly the electric system, possibly more... so it was risky... and wasn't oceanside... and was not my ideal location... but it stayed in my list of favorites. <br />
Then... then we went to a house that was new to the market and was in my top two, at least from the pictures... and when I walked in, despite the snowy dark conditions, I was struck by the brightness of the house, the natural light. I immediately pictured my nephews sitting at the breakfast bar as I was cooking in the kitchen... and as I walked through the rooms could picture myself there, happy there, and it felt like it was mine. I could picture my stuff there, my painting, my photographs... my friends and my family in that house... with me... and I wanted to stay there... my realtor had to push me to leave, to go to our next showing... and it was hard to leave... we continued our search...in and out of the car, in and out of houses, and getting snowed on and wind blown in between... and there were things about the rest of the houses that were appealing, but when I left them I felt good about leaving...<br />
At the end of the day my realtor asked me what I wanted to do... did I like any of them enough to buy? enough to revisit? or did I want to pick other properties to look at another day. I wanted the house filed with natural light. It was new to the market, less than a week... and I doubted my offer would be accepted... but I wanted to try. So... late Sunday night, my realtor submitted an offer. Around 9:15 Monday night, my realtor called with their counter offer... $4000 difference... and I said YES... and then he said it... "Congratulations!" <br />
<br />
Oh My GOD!!! I am buying a house! I am buying a house.... I AM BUYING A HOUSE!!! <br />
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The elation, excitement and holy shit feelings have been as intense as I have ever felt them! It's a HUGE commitment... and... in a strange way... freedom...<br />
<br />
The night before seeing the house... I had a dream... in which the yellow bedroom was decorated with daisies... Mom's favorite flower... and the day I went under contract... was my grandmother's birthday... and the day I got to see the house, was Suellen's birthday... so perhaps there were other things at work... <br />
<br />
Since Monday night, sleep has been...scarce. I have been making lists in my head... lists of the things I want to do to the house like in the blue bedroom, I want to paint three of the walls white leaving one blue accent wall. I have debated about what to do with the second guest room (3 bedrooms total) ... do I put a quenn bed in there or two twin beds? I am leaning towards two twin beds.. for when the boys visit...<br />
<br />
Tuesday night... well Tuesday night I tried to sleep, but around 11:30 I turned on my light and began writing down the things that were in my head... things I am going to need... a snow blower... a mower... a broom, one of those big butt brooms (wide) for the driveway... a hose... I don't have a hose... a box in which I can store wood for my fireplace.. (MY fireplace!!) I picture a box similar to the one that sat at my parents' house for years.. big, in which lots of wood could be stored... I want a wood box like that... and I would put some kind of cushion on top of it for extra seating when guests came over... (maybe my talented dad could build one for me like that one!) A rake, I will need a rake... I want house plants, cat safe house plants... I will need bedding for the two new twin beds... and there are decisions to be made about whether or not I want to get headboards for the beds or not, and do I want a headboard for my bed... I have always wanted a sleigh bed... but it is a bit impractical with my height... yet I curl up when I sleep... and I like the idea of it... another option with the bed is to get a king size bed for my room and put a queen bed in each of the guest rooms... but a king bed is a big bed just for me... and I think two twin beds make more sense... so there's bedding for those... and pillows... I think I want all new pillows... Oh.. and the house has radiators, charming silver radiators... and I want to put shelves on top of them so that the cats can sit on them to look out the windows... And... the window pictured above... notice those smaller panes... (ready for a BIG hint drop?!) those smaller panes would look so nice with some STAIN GLASS work!!! (Betty is a stain glass artist!!) I eventually want a small table in the entry way with a couple of chairs, and a bench to sit on to put shoes on and take them off... with storage for footwear and I need a coat rack, preferably one that matches the bench, attaches to the wall and has a mirror... and the upstairs bathroom.. it's gray, which is very modern... but the downstairs has a lot of gray and I am not sure I want a gray bathroom... so I am looking for shower curtains that have gray, but also have some other brighter colors that may kind of tie the colors of the bedrooms into the bathroom... and I would like to get a bird feeder so the cats can watch the birds... these are the thoughts that have been keeping me up at night... <br />
<br />
It is so tempting to want to buy new everything... but the bottom line is... I have a lot of what I need for this house, MY house... and I have promised myself that I am not going to make any major purchases (except the twin beds, I want those pretty early on...) until I get in the house, unpack everything, and see what I want to keep and what I may want to get rid of... (just ended a sentence with a preposition... eek!) Oh... I will also let myself buy two bar stools for the breakfast bar... two comfortable bar stools... but everything else... will need to wait.. there are a couple of pieces of furniture that I have now... that I may end up not keeping... but... am not going to make that decision now... <br />
<br />
So I am continuing to pack... the basement is on the list, will not be that bad, as there is not too much down there, but will need to take stuff to the dump, or recycling center as it is now called.... and I need to pack up my bedroom... other than the stuff I will need before I move... and I think I will hold off on the bathroom until right before the move...<br />
<br />
I do not yet have an official closing date... but will be in my house before my birthday! (Can you say Housewarming/birthday bash??!!!) <br />
<br />
This has also been an emotional process... Emotional for many reasons... about which I am not ready to write... but emotional...<br />
<br />
I feel so incredibly lucky to have found a house I love... I also feel accomplished... I have worked hard and I feel like that hard work is starting to pay off... I am grateful... for the help I am being given and the offers of help as I go through this process...<br />
I am grateful!<br />
<br />
TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-62902192980339451772015-01-27T14:42:00.002-05:002015-01-27T14:42:48.762-05:00Snow Storm!! It is snowin' and blowin' out there! I just went out to shovel a path to my truck and there was more than two feet of snow... granted some of that is drifts, but still, A LOT of snow... the plow truck has made quite a snowbank... I just got an email from the condo association leader to see if I am comfortable moving my vehicle so they can plow... I think it would be a smart idea to have them come do the parking lot now and then come again tomorrow... there is a lot... fortunately it is light and fluffy snow, so it is a little easier to shovel. I will go out in a while and shovel out some of my neighbors... I didn't have to go to school today (Yahoo!) and while I should have been doing school stuff... I have been packing boxes... I have packed quite a bit already... packing because I am going to be moving this spring at some point... hoping to move into a house that I buy, but may have to rent again because my landlord is selling this place and while I like living here, it is not a place I want to buy. So I am trying to pack up my non essential stuff... today I packed up some craft supplies as well as board games and my fancy glasses (wine and margarita glasses)...cookbooks...and a few other things... doing it a little at a time is a good thing for me... I am contemplating packing up a lot of my kitchen stuff.. leaving out enough glasses/plates for sharing dinner with a couple friends, some pots/pans and bowls... but could pack up some of the other stuff... it will be fun to unpack everything because I am sure I will have forgotten some of the stuff I have. I am trying to empty out/pack up things from places (Like the draws and cupboards in my hutch) so that I don't have to do it in a rush... my guest room is 90% packed up... I am going to leave most things on my walls because I don't have a safe place to store the large pictures and paintings and because I still want to feel good living here. ..those are things I can hopefully move myself, carefully... but will have movers do the rest... I am also trying to pack a lot so that if I don't get a house right away I can put some stuff in storage and rent a smaller cheaper place until I do buy a place... I need to do some work in my basement... I have a few shelves down there that I want to take apart and take to the dump... they have gotten a little mildew on them from being in the basement... I would also like to take almost everything out of the basement so that when I move it's easier... I will leave my bike, Christmas decorations, and gardening stuff (That I have not used here) in the basement for the movers to move... because I don't have another great place to put that stuff... I also need to throw away some of my old teaching stuff... still hard to let go of the stuff I created to help kids... but I am not going back to the classroom...<br />
<br />
So.. an update... the last post shared that I was worried that pvns is back in my left knee... I still have that fear... but I also have found that being more active and doing some of my old physical therapy exercises has helped... a lot. I am averaging 3 to 4 miles a day of walking at work (about 1.2 miles is the morning walk I do before school starts) and some days I manage to do over 5 miles... that, combined with eating differently I am feeling better... I am optimistic about my knee feeling better... but will keep an eye on it and will likely end up back in Boston to see my doctor, but hoping to put that off for a while... Don't worry Dad, I won't wait until it is unbearable! I am doing well with it... just keeping it in the front of my mind and easing myself into the idea of having to have another MRI and if pvns is back, what that would mean...<br />
<br />
Work... it continues to be an interesting year. There continues to be new learnings on a daily basis... I haven't written as much here about work... mainly because by the time I get home I need to separate myself from it... but I continue to be happy with what I am doing and see myself continuing in this role for a while. <br />
<br />
I hope that other folks in the northeast part of the country are staying safe and warm...<br />
<br />
<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-53972763319006621322015-01-04T11:39:00.001-05:002015-01-04T11:39:14.676-05:00Is it back?I said it out loud to a couple of my friends on New Year's Eve...and had shared it with Michael via text... but haven't posted anything about it here... until now... My knee... my PVNS knee... has been bothering me... and I am scared... The truth of the matter is it has been hurting off and on since mid summer, but I have attributed it to many things... including my weight and inactivity.. which go hand in hand... It's a double edged sword as people with PVNS know... inactivity often makes your joint feel better, but does little to stay healthy... and being active to be/stay/get healthy makes the joint hurt...<br />
I am not yet willing to say that PVNS is back in my knee.. in fact I am going to deny that possibility for a while... and do some... experimenting before I give in and make an appointment with a doctor. (Yes, I know it would take some time to get into my Boston doc... but I am ok with that...) I said it out loud to my chiropractor the other day and she worked on my IT band and hamstring, and maybe it is psychological, but I think it felt a little better after that... then on Satuday I went to acupuncture for the first time and told the needle guy about it... and he supposedly addressed it in my session... I am not yet sure if that made any difference... but I think my left hip (one of my always painful places since PVNS began, due to favoring that knee for so long...) feels quite a bit better... even if it is psychological, the placebo effect, I'll take it...<br />
So... I have decided to see if I can work with chiropractor and acupuncturist for a while and also add to that some of the physical therapy exercises I did before and after PVNS surgery and when I have worked out and done well with it, have done those exercises to maintain the strength in the muscles around my knee... and I think it helped...<br />
I am guilty of not doing much to take care of myself physically in a while... and this is a good wake up call. I went to the gym this morning and did a few miles on the bike, then did 15-20 minutes of physical therapy exercises for my legs/knees... and am hoping that will help... I am also going to walk each day before school for 30 minutes. I have committed to my staff that I will do that, and I am going to honor that. <br />
So... PVNS may be back... or maybe it's the arthritis in my knee ... or maybe it's my inactivity... or a combination of any of the above... but... I am addressing it... just not immediately heading to the doctor... fingers crossed this will help...(and optimistic it will since it felt better after the chiro and hasn't blown up like a balloon since the gym this morning...) not sure I can face a repeat surgery...<br />
<br />
<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-10344550956652279052015-01-01T11:33:00.002-05:002015-01-01T11:33:19.018-05:00Happy New year of Course... I was not one of the many people who chose to go out and celebrate the stroke of midnight with large crowds of people...but I did want to do something to celebrate the beginning of a new year and the end of another... I invited a few people over for dinner and a couple of rounds of the game Cards Against Humanity, which I had never played. I had invited quite a few people and had also posted an open invitation on my facebook page... mostly because I hate the idea of people who don't want to be alone on New Year's Eve to be alone on New Year's Eve... As it worked out it ended up being just four of us...(me, Jamie, Suellen, and Mike) which meant great conversation, lots of laughter, and too much food. One friend brought crock pot lasagna, which was very good, another brought buffalo chicken dip (one of my favorites!) and I had salad fixins, garlic bread, veggies and guacamole and a couple of desserts... It was nice to have a chance to sit and eat with Suellen and Jamie. (Mike had to work, so he arrived later.) I am lucky to have other women in my life who are the head of their households, who are professionally successful, and are wicked smart! Each of us has overcome adversity... I am almost 40 remember, and these ladies are in the final few years of their thirties... so of course we have all faced some challenges! And.. we have all doubted ourselves, our choices, but (thinking of Maya Angelou) as we knew better, we did better... and we continue to do the best we can do... Mike arrived later and after he had some food we began playing Cards Against Humanity... Oh. My. Gosh! If you want more information about this game,<a href="http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/"> click here</a>. The best way I could describe it is Adult Mad Libs.... the kids version of Mad Libs involves one person asking the other people to give a random part of speech, which later gets placed into a story, and the random words make the story pretty funny. Cards Against Humanity is similar, in that there is a 'prompt' that includes a blank or is a question. One person plays the random prompt card and the other people playing choose (from the ten 'answer' cards in their hand) which word or phrase would be the 'best' answer. (The 'best' answer is chosen by the person who played the prompt card, so knowing the people you play with, their sense of humor, is an advantage.) The premade cards, that list the words or phrases, are often inappropriate... and sometimes the prompts are also inappropriate... you should have a twisted sense of humor to enjoy the game... and comfort with the people you play with also helps! <br />
Here's an example (I will try to keep it somewhat tame...)<br />
Prompt Card: <br />
What's the next Happy Meal toy?<br />
Here are a few random words/phrases that may be played: <br />
- An Ugly Face<br />
- Tom Cruise<br />
- Dead Parents<br />
- Morgan Freeman's voice<br />
- Pictures of boobs<br />
<br />
Another prompt:<br />
During sex, I like to think about ___________.<br />
Here are a few random words/phrases that may be played: <br />
-Agriculture<br />
-natural selection<br />
- Michelle Obama's Arms<br />
-friction<br />
-All you can eat shrimp for $4.99<br />
<br />
Of course I chose some less controversial/raunchy answers, but it gives you an idea! The game is recommended for people ages 17 + ... and should add a label: Playing with one's parents will be super awkward! I definitely want to play again soon. I also think having an even bigger group of people would be even better. <br />
<br />
<br />
Ok... so... At the beginning of a new year it is natural to reflect on 2014... In thinking about my 2014 a few highlights come to mind... my trips, Denver and Oregon... those trips are very significant to me, for many reasons... among them realizing that the miles between my Friends and I are irrelevant to our connections... Of course I wish I could spend more time with Rico and Michael, and hope to see them more in the future... Both of them were amazing hosts, generous, and helped me see parts of this country that are breathtakingly beautiful. I am grateful. those trips also helped me gain confidence in traveling, which I hope to do more... and also got me to do some things that involved facing my fears... I still say I had two near death experiences in Oregon...(The Astoria Tower and the ski lift!) And riding a horse was a lot of fun and takes a lot more coordination that it looks like in the movies!) Another highlight... Time with my nephews... I was able to spend a week with them in February then two and a half weeks with them in the summer, plus a few visits in between. I am lucky to have the connection with them I do. They are amazing individuals and I am lucky to be a part of their lives as they figure out who they are and who they want to be. They are so unique yet remind me so much of people in my family. I got to go to NYC a couple of times to see great theater... I am in awe of people who can engage an audience the way people in the theater do... I love seeing shows there and love the diversity in NYC. Kayaking, of course, is a highlight for me as well. I love being on the water, love seeing wildlife, getting some good pictures, and allowing myself to disconnect. I need to do that more, in the winter.. not kayak, but do things that help me disconnect from my day to day life, from work. I hope to do that more in 2015, hoping to use art as a way to do that. And.. a big, well, huge accomplishment for me in 2014, was paying off my student loans! I am thrilled to have that monkey off my back! <br />
Of course the people in my life continues to be a highlight for me. I have amazing people in my life. I continue to be grateful that Betty and Jacey are a part of my family. And I can say now...that when I go to visit Dad and Betty at the lake, I do feel like I am going home... My sister is doing so well, I love seeing her feisty spirit and am so proud of who she is, the parent she has become, that she takes time for herself and allows herself to lean on others. <br />
<br />
Of course the year had some difficult times... Some of my friends lost a parent in 2014... and my heart ached for them as they faced their new reality.. one of my friends continues to battle cancer... and I am grateful she has allowed me to spend some time with her and hope I get more time with her in the near future... My kids, my students, had some very difficult times... I only hope that they feel my support. <br />
<br />
So... hopes for the new year... well.. I am investigating buying a house... I need to move this spring as my landlord is going to sell this place and I would like to move out before it begins being showed... but that may not be possible... I would like to buy a place, but I need to see if that is feasible for me yet... I do not want to move into another rental just to move into a house...but it may have to be that way... I also hope to finish the kayaking book that is still in the works... I hope to have more social time, more fun, (perhaps a little romance?!) and traveling would be nice, but will take a backseat to buying a house... for now... Professionally, I hope to reach out more to my community, to get parents more involved, and continue to advocate for what is right for kids. <br />
<br />
Happy New Year to my Family and Friends near and far... TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-79399752005801153682014-12-26T22:45:00.001-05:002014-12-26T22:45:18.355-05:00If this is 40...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I went out tonight to celebrate Sara's birthday. Today is not her actual birthday, but it's coming soon! We went out with Phil and our friends Matt and Melissa for drinks and dinner. I am the youngest of the three of us in this picture... Melissa (front right) will be 41 soon... Sara (front left) is about to be 40... and I will enter the decade after the thirties this spring... I think we look Great! Especially for 40! I think we could pass for younger! If this is 40, I say bring it on! <br />
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Going out tonight was a great way to finish my Christmas adventure... I got to go to NYC, got to spend time with Sis and the boys... and got some friend time... I am a lucky girl! <br />
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Merry Christmas to All!</div>
TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-28199028157565687352014-12-20T20:30:00.002-05:002014-12-20T20:30:59.721-05:00Feeling the love! It was a great week! I feel more like Christmas than I have in a long time... but not sure it has anything to do with the calendar... I had my hospital meeting Monday and afterwards felt like a huge weight was lifted...Got the title to my truck, yup she's mine all mine! (Thanks Santa!)... I met my future husband... (Or at least the most qualified candidate I have met in a LONG time!) Had dinner last night with a couple of great friends, and today, got to have breakfast with Debbie! THAT was the whip cream on the Sundae! (I don't like Cherries to the whip cream is the top of the top!) Tonight I took myself to my local watering hole for dinner and decided to pay for dinner for two people sitting opposite from me at the bar, both there solo... I watched them and eventually they struck up a conversation... I told the bartender to please put their bills on mine and tell them their bill was paid for by Santa and Merry Christmas... He looked at me and said why? I said... because ... They were pretty happy when he told them... Fun!!! Tomorrow I head out to see Sis and the boys! I cannot wait! I am also gonna swing through NYC for a night and see a play...<br />
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I will miss seeing Dad, Betty, and Jacey for Christmas! <br />
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But... I am feeling pretty grateful and hopeful... Merry Christmas to all! TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-70488833108982794012014-12-15T21:48:00.000-05:002014-12-15T22:15:31.045-05:00It's not if... it's when... and what kind... This afternoon I met with some of the "Top Dogs" at the hospital where I had my colonoscopy this fall... I took a friend with me because having a second set of ears, in my opinion, is ALWAYS a good idea. Besides the two of us, there were 5 other people there... One woman who acted as the facilitator, a woman in charge of the nurses at the hospital, a woman in charge of the gastroenterology office and the endoscopy center at the hospital, the director of patient relations, and a man who played some role in the sedation department.<br />
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They thanked me for coming in and raising my concerns... and asked me to kick off the meeting by telling them my top concerns. I told them that I was unsure, in coming to this meeting, whether they would want to lead or if they would ask me to lead. I told them that given my experience my trust in them, their organization, was pretty low and I was not confident that the people sitting around the table had actually read my letter, that perhaps some of them were their to fill chairs in an attempt to appease me. I said given that, I would prefer that they start the meeting, that each of them share with the group, what, from my letter stood out to them, to say which part of my experience they want to improve upon for other patients.<br />
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They honored that request. The first woman to speak was from the gastroenterology office. She said she was struck by my perception of staff dismissing my anxiety, that I felt like nobody reviewed my medical records ahead of time. She wanted to assure me that everyone reviewed my medical history. The next woman, head of the nurses, said she was struck by how dismissed I felt when I tried to tell people I had anxiety and said that repeatedly asking patients about whether or not they are on medication is part of their intake process to make sure they know how to treat their patients and not meant to stigmatize people or stereotype them. <br />
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I interrupted and asked which it was... if people working with me had thoroughly read my medical history or if nurses needed to ask me questions to obtain the information that was already listed. I said that my medical record indicated the only medication I take is a daily asthma inhaler. So if the nurses were familiar with my medical records, they would know that when I told them I had anxiety about the procedure, they wouldn't have to ask about whether or not I was one of 'those people' who take anxiety medication... because they would know there was no history of anxiety listed and no medications listed. I said they can't have it both ways... they tried to backtrack, but realized I was right.<br />
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The first woman said she was also struck that I had said nobody had explained to me why my procedure was moved from their office to the hospital. She said she had a hard time believing that was actually the case. The reason, which I found out AFTER my colonoscopy, after I had called their office multiple times to get the answer, was because of my weight. Patients over a certain weight have the procedure done at the hospital.<br />
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I smiled a little... even though she basically had called me a liar... and said to her, "Let me ask you this...we are here because I wrote a 9 page letter to you detailing my experience. In that letter I detail my efforts to advocate for my needs, and I detail my concerns. Do you really believe that if that information had been shared with me that I would not have had many DETAILED questions about why I would need to be at the hospital, about what risks would be different for me, about whether or not the procedure is any different, and about how that would change the sedation which was my huge concern?" She sat back and didn't say anything else.<br />
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The facilitator, in trying to direct the conversation, said that as a hospital they have to be careful. That some patients schedule elective surgery so that they can get medications which is why they ask so many questions. I stopped her and said I did not see the relevance of that statement, because if what they had already said was true, that they had become very familiar with my medical record, they would know that I was not THAT patient. She acquiesced and apologized for a poor example. At that point the head of the gastro office said that part of the problem with what happened is that I am a VERY healthy woman. That because I do not have other health issues, I was sent down one patient path which was the more conservative approach, but had they known I was a patient who had so much anxiety about the procedure they would have used different sedation medication. I said to her that I wanted her to clarify that... I told her that I had told EVERY person with whom I spoke about my anxiety about this procedure. I told her that I had told my primary care doctor, had told the intake nurse at her practice, had told the nurses and doctors who were involved with my procedure that day... and asked what else I should have done to indicate I was anxious. She said I needed to ask that it be documented in my record and asked if she could update my medical record so that the next time I have this procedure they will know to use propofol instead of whatever they used. I told her that it was ridiculous to have to ask that my anxiety be noted in my record, that one assumes the nurses doing the intake call for preregistration AND the nurses prepping me for the procedure itself would note or at least acknowledge that fear. I also said that she could note in my chart to use different medication next time, but that I will likely ask that record to be sent elsewhere as it would be highly unlikely that I would do my next colonoscopy with them. They hoped I would. I also said that since she mentioned propofol, that AFTER the procedure I was asked by a nurse in her practice why I had not asked for propofol. They all reacted to that and agreed with me when I said that as a patient who has no history with sedatives there would be no way for me to know to request a specific drug, let alone know that a request as such would be granted. <br />
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The head of the nurses said she felt badly that the nurse had not been more helpful in getting a hospital gown that fit. And I said, that if what they had been telling me in this meeting was true, that people had reviewed my medical record and that they work together, and that they had clearly communicated that I was having my colonoscopy at the hospital because I was too fat to have it done at their office, that they should have anticipated that a one size fits all gown does not. I said that talking to people about their size/weight is something they need to do. I asked them if they thought I, or other large people, wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say, "HOLY SHIT I'm 6'6!! How the hell did that happen, last night I was 5'2"?" I said that people who are outside the average range are well aware of it... and I said that something THAT simple, getting a hospital gown that was appropriate without any commentary, would make a difference.<br />
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I am not sure exactly where from there the conversation went, but we got to a place where we talked about me waking up in the middle of the procedure. Oh... I think we got there because I asked them how they determine what level of sedation is 'comfortable' for a patient, especially a patient to whom they have not listened. And...Much to my chagrin... I got emotional. I tried hard not to, but I did... I said to them... You had a patient in front of you whose number one fear is dying of cancer, for whom, given her family history it is not if she gets cancer it is when, and what kind. I said that I was so terrified of being diagnosed with cancer, and that I had articulated to the sedation nurse that my biggest fear during the procedure was that I would wake up and hear them find something... and I said that was EXACTLY what happened. That I woke up and heard the doctor say he had found a polyp and I was terrified. I told them that despite having been that open, clear, and vulnerable with the staff in the room that day, after again saying I did not want to see or hear anything, their response was to tell me I could watch the procedure on the tv that was in front of me...and when I repeated again that I did not want to see or hear anything, they suggested I close my eyes. I think I saw two of the women tear up a little when I teared up, and they did apologize for that happening.<br />
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I asked why I woke up during and they said that medications effect people differently. They said they had given me the maximum amount they could, but can now note in my record to give me more because I react differently to that medication. They also said the medication they had given me is supposed to have amnesia effects on people, but that on some it doesn't.... case in point. <br />
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I talked about humor, its use, and its timing. I said that I appreciate people trying to use humor in creating a rapport with their patients, but when a patient is upset, anxious, and sharing her family history with you, THAT is NOT the time for staff to say to each other, "Did she just say her Dad had ovarian cancer? That's just not possible.." <br />
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I also talked with them about how their procedures and protocols are part of their routine, but for patients it is anything but.... they acknowledged that they need to do better with that. I said that for them it is a job, for the patient it can be life or death. I told them that this experience does not define me, but not addressing it would... I said that I could not have not let this go without addressing it. I said that I had many concerns following my bad experience in how it was handled. The woman with whom I had spoken was at the meeting today and she denied some of my accusations, but I looked her in the eye and told her we were both on the phone during those conversations and we both know what was said and we both know which one of us was reporting accurately. She also denied trying to sweep things under the rug and trying to get it over... and I told her if that is the case she needs some coaching on how to communicate, how to convey her intended tone. Her 'take away' from this experience was that at the beginning of this...I had clearly said that I was going to write a letter to share my experience and she said that she kept trying to push the process because she felt it was better to talk about the experience close to when it happened so that it would be fresh in people's minds... but said that she did not listen to what I was saying which was that I needed time to write a letter that writing a letter was my process, what I needed to do to get beyond the experience.<br />
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I told them that the letter was my therapy. That having written about my experience was something I needed to do. I said that I came into the meeting wondering if they were coming into the meeting with the mindset of having to deal with a dramatic patient, but that in the end their opinion of me didn't really matter. I said that I wanted to know what were their next steps.<br />
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With my permission, they said... they would like to take this experience back to their staffs and use it for training purposes. I of course gave my permission and said to them, that at the heart of who I am, I am an educator, and if I can be of help, if they want a live person to share an experience I was willing to do that... to talk to their staff...to be their visual... I doubt they will, but maybe they will surprise me...<br />
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I said perhaps my biggest concern was the umbrella of self advocacy. I said that their hospital has a lot of PR out there about encouraging patients to advocate for themselves... but that what they say they value and what they value are incongruent. I said that they need to remember that patients are people.... and that with that comes emotional elements... sometimes triggers... and that they need to take time to listen to their patients, not rush through the procedures. Oh... the other part of this, the self advocacy... one of the women said that she truly hoped that this experience does not prevent me from doing future screenings because with my family history, despite being so healthy now, I needed to keep getting checked. I told her I was grateful for my primary care doctor who will make sure I do the screenings... but I appreciated her comment... <br />
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There was a lot more, but... this is the gist... oh.. at the end they asked if I had more questions or if i needed anything from them at this time... I said I would like a written letter from them. I said ideally it would be a letter of apology, but that I understood the position they would be in putting that in writing because an apology admits guilt of wrongdoing.. but that a letter of acknowledgement, of my negative experience, along with what steps they were going to take next given the information they learned from me and their impressions of my experience... and they said they may be able to do that. May be able...<br />
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They offered contact info in case I wanted to reach out to someone again... and I said that brough up another point for me... that their website is not user friendly. I said their website is strictly used to toot their own horns... that they praise themselves all over the place on that website, with articles about their new building, with quotes from satisfied patients, with their quotes about guaranteed patient care, blah blah blah... but that trying to find out where to find information on filing a complaint or figuring out who to contact was ridiculous and added infuriating for an unsatisfied customer...<br />
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Overall I feel like I can put this behind me... I doubt I will go to the same place again for this procedure and I will be asking a lot more questions before my next procedure...<br />
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Now I can look forward to vacation and not feel this is hanging over my head...<br />
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Final thought... get the screenings... despite the bad experience I had... in the end I know I do not currently have colon cancer... and now will go every 5 years to be checked... just in case... and I will go... and hope everyone reading this gets checked out... for colon cancer or other cancers... do it! TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-66075647824490327992014-12-06T16:14:00.000-05:002014-12-06T16:14:20.635-05:00Sometimes it is black and white... sometimes... it's gray.One of my kids.. one of my regulars... came into my office the other day to talk to me about his 'credits.'... for graduation... when he asked me if he has enough credits or will have enough to graduate I humored him... it is a conversation he and I have had, multiple times... and he knows he is fine... I knew there was something else on his mind... this is a kid I know pretty well... (recently he had missed a few days of school and when I reached out to his mom she said she hadn't seen him but she thought he was staying with his girlfriend... He and I have talked about his relationship status and I have reminded him to use protection in his relationship recreational activities...including him telling me that he didn't think he could get stds from white chicks!!!?? Oh my..... I told him that stds do not discriminate and that he needed to be safe... so when he had disappeared to be with his girlfriend for a few days I knew I wanted to meet with him when he returned... and I bought him a present... when he smirked at me when I asked where he had been I told him that little grin of his reminded me that I had bought something for him... he looked confused and asked what I would buy for him... I said it was a gift...not for him directly... and handed him a bag... he pulled out the baby bibs that said 'I Love My Daddy'... his face was priceless and he said he didn't need those... I told him that if he was off doing whatever he was doing instead of being at school he was going to make a baby that needs those bibs... he got my point... so.. he and I have spent a lot of time together... -for loyal blog readers, this is the kid who went on his first ever camping trip last year and was afraid of bears...) so... after I again assured him he was okay as far as credits go... I asked what else was on his mind... he paused and asked if I had seen the news... I told him I had and asked if there was a specific part of the news he was asking about... 'that stuff in NY...' he said... I asked him if he meant the protests and he said yes. I told him I had watched a lot of it on CNN and that I was proud that the protesters in Grand Central Station and those marching seemed to be doing so in a peaceful way... he said he was too... and paused... for a while... then he asked if I thought something like that could happen here, in Maine... and I asked if he meant the protests, knowing he didn't... he shook his head, looked at the floor and said,"Nah.... not the protests... I mean... the cops... you think cops here could just get away with killin' a black person?" And I paused... and his gaze slowly went from the floor and met my eyes... I sighed and said... "I wish I could guarantee you that it would never happen here... but the truth is, it could." We talked for quite a while and he shared that he thinks that cops can get away with anything... that all cops would need to do is to agree on a story and their word will be believed over anybody else's word. He said that his mom has talked to him about how to interact with cops...that as a young black male his mom has told him he needs to make sure he learns to look people in the eye, speak well, be respectful, and to never talk out against a cop, never against a cop... he continued... said that cops ask black men to get out their license so that when the man reaches for his wallet the cops have an excuse to shoot and can say the man was reaching for a weapon... and said that he gets nervous and is more nervous than ever when he gets off the public bus after his job and walks home... he said he often sees police driving past him and he asked me what he should do if they ever stop him. That's a hard question... I would hope that if he was walking home he wouldn't get stopped by the police... but if he did get stopped I would hope that the police officer would approach him in a respectful way and tell him a reason for them stopping him... Knowing him, I adore him, but he can be defensive at times and his body language, mannerisms, and speech patterns could be interpreted... or maybe profiled is a better word... as a thug.. and he is a person who so deeply believes that in order to give respect to people they need to give it to him... Knowing what to tell him in that moment was hard... a few weeks ago maybe I would have said put your hands up.. but that may now be perceived by police as disrespectful or patronizing... So I asked him what he would do if I was driving by him and stopped... he said he would come over and talk to me... I said that maybe he should look at it like that... that if a cop stops him, it is just someone who wants to talk to him... I said he should stop, turn and face the cops and say hello... answer their questions politely and cooperate with them... I said that he and I should sit and talk about his fears with our school resource officer... he is hesitant to do so, but I will get him to... he has a good rapport with our school resource officer... and I think it will help him...<br />
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I told him to cooperate with the police.... and I wonder if his cooperation matters... Kids in my school feel unsafe because of the recent grand jury decisions... I have not read the official documents from the cases... but what I know is that things have changed... police are supposed to be safe... what if they aren't? The attention about these cases has focused on race... how could they not? Do I believe there is some racism associated with the cases... yes. Do I believe it goes beyond race? I do. How can unarmed people be killed by police officers?<br />
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I posted the story about the football players from St. Louis who came out at the start of their game last weekend with their hands up... the gesture the protesters in Ferguson used which has becoming symbolic... I posted it AFTER watching some interviews given by the players who said their decision to enter the football stadium like that was not to disrespect police, but to remind people that there are more things going on in our world, in our country, more important things, than football... I support that.. I think that racism is alive and well in 2014... and we need to have more dialogues about it... at all levels...<br />
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I feel good that this student... a black student... came to me.. his white female assistant principal... to have this conversation. I know I don't have the right answers for him or know what it is like for him... a black male... on a daily basis... but... I'm learning more about that...about him, his life, all the time... and I appreciate that gift... TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-78792279205477684212014-11-22T11:46:00.003-05:002014-11-22T11:46:36.436-05:00Happy LightA couple of weeks ago I was shopping in Sam's Club... you know one of those buy in bulk warehouse places... I am one of the consumers for whom stores like that design their merchandise and displays.... When I was last at Sam's club as I walked in there were large screen tvs, some beautiful plants (which, if my thumb were even slightly green, would have come home with me), some Christmas present suggestions, and... as one of those suggested gifts was one called a "Happy Light." I was, ironically, drawn to it like a moth to a flame... (remember I hate moths!)... Over the years I have heard of the lights designed for people who are SAD (seasonal Affect Disorder) sufferers... those lights that offer simulated sunshine and the positive effects of it without the cancer and sunburn risks...appealing... <br />
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It is no secret that this time of year is not my favorite... in fact I would say that I hate it. This year I am already at the point I usually don't get to until, ohhh... Late January or early February...<br />
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It has been a hard fall... since my colonoscopy debacle... I feel like things have, pun intended, been in the shitter. The negative experience at that appointment has still been weighing on my mind. I have been in the proess of sending a formal complaint, but it has been quite a process to get the information I wanted in order to finalize my letter... and has led to further distrust... (Following a conversation with the patient relations liason in which she told me she had sent information I had requested three to four days before, I received a letter citing said conversation, attached to the documents she said had been sent out a few days before... yet her primary goal is to help me find resolution and to regain my trust... not quite how I would go about regaining trust...but I digress...) Since that procedure I feel like it has been hard to get my feet back under me. I have alluded here that work has been hard this fall... it has. I have had a couple of weeks where I have said to myself, "This is a bad week." Since starting this job this is the first time I have used the adjective, bad, to describe a day, let alone a couple of weeks...<br />
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I think perhaps my empathy and compassion reserves are drained... as I type this one of my students is likely playing her violin at her father's funeral... I should probably be there... but I went to the visiting hours last night to let myself off the funeral hook... I knew I could not sit through a funeral today... that I need to take a break from the sadness... two of our students, unrelated, have lost a parent... both from cancer. That is in addition to two of our staff members fighting cancer, numerous suicidal students, and a few situations in which I was close to giving our school resource officer the green light to cuff and stuff a kid... plus the 'typical' work stuff... I am drained. <br />
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The truth is, it has triggered a lot for me... and in addition to the sadness at work, I feel like my own grief has been triggered... but I am ok... I am working, consciously working, to do something just for me, every day... sounds hokey... but.. it has helped. <br />
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I have clung on to the positive moments with both hands... something as simple as having a student ask to see me to thank me for checking on her in previous days (she is friends with both students who have lost their parents) means a lot... having a staff member come up and say how impressed they were that I had taken time last spring to sit in with the band... makes me feel like there are things in my job that extend beyond helping kids cope with mental illness, grief, and anger...<br />
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Given the dark rain cloud that has been hanging over things... combined with the shorter days... have me feeling anxious about winter, about losing more daylight, about it being so cold outside I only want to go from my house to my truck to my job to my truck to my house... I want the sun to shine... I want to feel the warmth... and so... I bought the Happy Light... and, in an effort to be transparent... the fact that the store was promoting it as a huge sale, offering it at $10 less than they wanted me to think they would usually offer it, didn't matter.... it had me at 'Happy...' <br />
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The idea of being able to buy something that doesn't make them happy, not in the way that people feel after buying something they have wanted for a long time, but to buy something that alleges that it can, scientifically speaking, help me feel happy... free of drugs... was endearing... more than endearing... it gave me hope... hope that I could do something to make me feel happier... so, I brought it home... and... I left it in its box... for about a week and a half... looking at it wondering if it had really come to that point... of needing to sit in front of a light in order to help me feel better...<br />
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OK.. I must stop here... because... I know people in my life, who are close to me, are worried about me... about all the work stuff and how it has impacted me... some have asked if I have considered 'talking' to 'someone'... the truth is... I thought about it... a lot... but... decided that given all that is going on... I think that my reaction is... wait for it... 'normal.' (Hypocritical of me to use that word perhaps... but...) Have I felt depressed? Yes. Has my anxiety been heightened? Yes. But... I believe it is situational, and I believe it is going to get better. I have taken some steps to take care of myself... I reached out to my doctor because despite trying to do tings to help me sleep better, like 'unplugging' an hour before I want to go to sleep, I have not been sleeping... or had not been... my doctor gave me a prescription to help me fall asleep... I asked for it because I needed help getting back into some kind of a sleep pattern... it has helped. I haven't taken it the last few nights and have been able to fall asleep, by 10:00 even, so don't feel like I need to continue the meds. but am glad I have them if I need them.. I rejoined my gym... and while I have only gone a few times, it is a step... I am going to go when I can... and believe it will eventually become more a part of my routine... and I am leaning on people... in various ways..it's amazing how even a little daily banter can help...... and... as I said, I am doing at least one thing each day, that is just for me... from going to the chiropractor (actually chiopractors...I am trying another doc to see if the adjustments from her have results that last a bit longer..) to getting manicures/pedicures, to saying no to going to school related functions after having a very hard day... and to not go to funerals today... that's a big one... and... I have decided to allow someone back into my life, even if it is only temporary... because I need this person... right now... this person knows why I have reached out, why I have opened this door... and is willing to be there for me... for which I am grateful... So... I know I cannot stop people from worrying, but I also want people to know I know I am going through a tough time and I am doing what I can do, to keep myself afloat...and I am okay... I also believe that things at work will improve... and even though winter is here to test me... I believe things will improve...<br />
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So... this Happy light... whether or not it scientifically makes a difference... is symbolic for me... it's hope... in the form of a happy light... I took it out of its box... and... I am going to turn it on every day, at some point, and believe in its... its power...<br />
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And as I get ready to spend time with an amazing person later today... I am looking forward to it... maybe it's working already... <br />
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<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-9432770585225241822014-11-03T19:45:00.002-05:002014-11-03T19:45:30.701-05:00Rub a Dub Dub..I planned a self indulgent night away... and for the most part, it was exactly what I needed... I wish the weather had been better, it was rainy, cold rainy, and windy... but I slept in Saturday morning, woke up and then cuddled with the kitties for a bit... they have been feeling neglected... watched an episode of a show on Netflix and then decided to make breakfast. I had debated about going out, but decided it was just as easy to stay in... then I got ready to hit the road and stopped to get gas. Gas was under $3.00 a gallon!!!??? That was a good way to start my trip. I drove to North Conway NH and decided to do some shopping before going to the hotel and managed to find some good things... though my intentions were to do some Christmas shopping I ended up buying things for myself... Merry Christmas to me?? It was fun to not have to be on a schedule and when I got to check into the hotel I was ready to relax... or so I thought... I unpacked a bit and since I had reserved this specific room for its gigantic bathtub I decided that should be my next move. I filled the tub and got in... now it has been a looooong time since I took a bath... since my legs are so long I rarely have the opportunity to soak in a tub... so I soaked for a few minutes and then wondered what all the fuss is about... I was hot... the water was hot and the room was hot... and to be honest...I was... bored... so... I got out of the tub... got some cold water to drink, turned the heat way down or the AC on, I don't know which, put a cd in the room's dvd player...not just any cd by the way... the soundtrack to Lady Day at Emerson's Bar and Grille... the show I saw in NYC last spring, that was AMAZING... I got back in the tub got comfy, closed my eyes and listened... I heard Audra MacDonald portraying Billie Holiday... and I was taken back to that show... to sitting at the table closest to the stage on which she performed... and I could picture her expressions, her body language... and I was able to relax... It was NICE.... after the cd ended I decided I should decide if I wanted to go out to dinner or go get some snacks... and since the room had a dvd player decided a movie or two would also be a good option... though I rarely sit and watch a movie because that usually leads to multitasking...emailing, facebooking, etc... I decided I should go out to dinner AND have some snacks for later... I ended up having dinner at the bar in the hotel and it was pretty good. The Bruins game was on and there were a couple of English blokes at the bar drinking girly drinks and asking the bartender to experiment with various combinations... it was quite entertaining... but I was drawn back to my room and took another bath... yes, that's right... two baths in one night... and while in the tub, watched a movie... or part of one at least... (the tub was in the main part of the room.) <br />
I did end up texting a bit after the second soaking... and watched all of both movies... and felt pretty good...<br />
I need to do more to relax....on a regular basis... and need to make it a priority... We all should... so... do something just for you, and do it soon! <br />
<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-34925559264713455002014-10-31T22:49:00.001-04:002014-10-31T22:49:35.272-04:00Some Balance... One of the kids I work closest with is a teenage mom. I met her first a couple years ago when she was high... and shortly after she shared with me she was pregnant... She is a kid whose family support has been nonexistent... she had already been parenting... parenting her younger sibling and her mom who is an addict... Since that time she has had her baby and is a great mom... not a great teenage mom, a great mom. And the baby's father, very much involved and being a great dad. (They have been living together with his parents.) This week this girl has had a hard week... the relationship between her and the baby's dad has ended, but they have maturely agreed to continue to coparent. Instead of acting like teenagers, they have both been able to say that the other is a good parent, but that, for now, being boyfriend and girlfriend is not good, because they are not treating each other the way they should. We were talking about it the other day and she told me that a parent of one of her friends continues to make comments about how irresponsible she is to be a teen mom. I shook my head and said that this parent should be judging her for the kind of parent she is not because she is a teenage mom... the girl smiled and said that I said something similar to her when she told me she was pregnant. I said, Oh yeah?.. She proceeded to relay the story.. she told me her news and I asked her how she felt about it. She told me she was scared but that she was keeping the baby. She said I didn't hesitate and said to her, Ok then, it's your job to take care of you and the baby and it's my job to support you as you do. She smiled and said how much that meant to her. <br />
Tonight, after standing outside for a cold football game, which lasted forever and we lost... I got a text from her. A picture of her and her son dressed up in costumes, with a note that said Happy Halloween. I responded and thanked her for sending it to me, for thinking of me... and she wrote back and said: ALWAYS! <br />
<br />
It's those moments that make me know I am where I am supposed to be... and I do help kids...<br />
<br />
It helps with the balance... TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-50935329024854820092014-10-25T09:19:00.001-04:002014-10-25T09:19:35.197-04:00Does it balance?The sun is shining today, or so I assume since there is bright light around my window shades... I have yet to peek out there yet as I was very determined to sleep in this morning... but that didn't happen. My sleep was interrupted last night by thoughts about work... it has been a.... shall I say busy and eventful few weeks? I do so much at work with kids around social media and its implications... and last night learned that one of my nephews has begun flirting with vulgar language in his text with his friends... Given the nature of my job, I am not surprised, but as his auntee... I am of course disappointed.. Sis is handling it great though... having some tough, candid conversations, and for that I applaud her. In my role I am continually surprised by parents who don't think they have the 'right' to look at their kids' phones or ipads... because that would violate their privacy or would cause world war three to erupt in their homes... since when has parenting been about avoiding conflict instead of parenting? It's crazy...<br />
So.. some highlights of my last few weeks.. <br />
-because I am a bit more tech savvy than my co administrators I get to be the searcher of all things electronic... one search yielded photos and videos I wish I could unsee... efforts to see up skirts... hidden cameras in bathrooms... having to call the parent of the videographer and of the 'victims' who were recorded...<br />
- having to tell a very fragile student that our school does not have the resources needed to truly give this student what she needs, to truly help her get to a place where the emotional pieces are secondary to the day to day living pieces, and to tell her we are sending her to an alternate school in hopes she can gain some skills and return... to see the fear in her eyes of another change in her life, the fear of 'losing' the connections she has made with our staff... and the fear of the unknown... was hard, but I also believe I saw, in her, a sense of relief...because she knows too, that she needs more...<br />
- busting students for smoking marijuana in the bathroom... whose parents are all over the spectrum from being in denial to wanting to lay the hammer down hard... having to show screenshots of student conversations to prove to parents their child was involved... and dealing with the after effects, these girls have been harassing, via text, students who were invited to also smoke, but said no, and the language being said to these kids is unbelievable, including threats of urinating and defecating on their faces...(how does one even begin to go there in their mind, let alone text it to another kid?) <br />
- having to be involved in a referral to our child protective services because a parent has had physical altercations with their child and after the kid gets to school, their safe place, sends abusive texts to their kid saying things like 'You are a miserable fucking excuse for a human being.' Yes, a parent sent that to their child. <br />
- supporting a student, a senior, an only child, whose father is losing his battle with cancer and whose mother is just beginning her battle with cancer... and whose closest family is eight hours away...<br />
- supporting staff as they support another student (who I do not know well) whose mother, single parent, is terminally ill, also cancer... and whose local family members are unable to provide care for this student... two of my coworkers went above and beyond by accepting an invitation from this parent to meet her at her home to try to develop a plan for her daughter after she dies and wanting the school, who has shown such care for her child, involved in that plan...the parent told our staff she is terminal, but her daughter will learn that news this weekend...<br />
- supporting staff as two of our own are battling cancer...<br />
- meeting a girl who was posting signs around our building about dress code... (she usually works with the other AP, but since she seemed to be emotional and perhaps in need of a female perspective we spent some time together...) learned she had an abortion last year... in her mind 'forced' into it by the parents of the boy who impregnated her because, in her mind, her own parents were not strong enough to fight for her and against them...<br />
- being verbally attacked for 20 minutes at the most well attended football game, by a parent who was upset her daughter had not followed the rules about getting into the dance the following night... blaming us, citing kids have so much added responsibility 'these days' including having to monitor their team's facebook pages for updates... Really lady? I let her go on about that for a while then chimed in: you are right, kids are overwhelmed with technology. I mean with the phone your daughter uses and is often in trouble for texting in class, there is no way she could have set an alarm to remind her to buy her ticket, even though she remembered to go to the salon to get her nails done for the dance, she could have looked at the school's webpage to see the numerous reminders for the past two weeks about buying tickets, oh and as an involved parent I am sure you also take time to check our daily announcements which are not only read over the intercom daily, but posted on our website which have stated multiple times when/where to buy tickets and stated the deadline, not to mention the kids who are all over twitter talking about their dresses and excited that they got their tickets...the parent went on an on about how much the other assistant principal and I suck at our jobs that we are out of touch with kids... and eventually I told her she was welcome to make an appointment to talk with us on Monday (after the dance) but that I was no longer going to engage in the conversation since my primary responsibility at that moment was to supervise the 500-600 kids who had come to support their team... and another parent who showed up at the dance with her kid who had no ticket and bullied me about letting HER daughter in..because HER daughter is amazing... (truthfully her daughter is amazing, but that's not the point!)... she wore me down to a point where I said, look, I am not gong to fight with you on this. If you, as a parent think the lesson you want to teach your daughter is that because her mother has a louder voice than other parents, she can come to the dance even though there are students who wanted to come but because they follow the rules and understand they made a mistake are not going to come to the dance, by all means, let your daughter come... she did. <br />
- Having to be at an athletic function, not because i wanted to, but because a parent has been threatening a coach... a parent with whom we have had issues before... having to make sure our school resource officer was there as well... and this parent disappointed... threatened physical bodily harm to a parent from the opposing team... before we were gong to remove him, he removed himself... but there are lots of elements here to deal with, as far as how the future goes with this parent.<br />
<br />
That's a lot, right? Yes... and in between those things are the other things... assigning detentions for food fights in the cafeteria, restorative conversations about stealing food from the cafeteria... and there are some good things too:<br />
- Had a meeting this week... with a kid who should, chronologically, be graduating this year... but has less than half the credits required to do so... a kid whose parents refused special education services at the end of middle school because the kid needed to buck up and do it on his own... looked at his transcript... found that he has taken a few classes multiple times... failing each time. (I HATE that... there is no way we should be having the same kid take the same class from the same teacher and expect different results! yes, on my list of things we need to change!) I brought him in to talk to him... he said, I am not going to do a fifth year... why would I? I have failed all four years why stay around, just to fail again.... OUCH... but he is right... I asked him what classes he had taken, where he earned the credit.. he said the hands on classes where I can build things, put things together, fix things... (Yes guidance counselor SHOULD be having this conversations.but...) so why has he never gone to our career technology high school (used to be called Voc.)? Because he was short on credits and he needed to be at school to maximize his potential to earn more credits...(kids who go to our career tech. high school can get 3 credits per year, where kids who stay at our school for the same amount of hours can choose to take four classes, earning four credits.) ummmm.... wouldn't three credits be better than... oh... say.. zero?? I ask him about whether or not he would go to our career tech. school. he says he always wanted to, but was told he couldn't... (by... guidance...) I asked if I could get him to the tech school and look at some credit recovery if he would think about another year... he shrugged and said he would have to see... called him in the next day after talking with the principal who, thankfully, gave me the green light to be as flexible with this kid as I want to be... Told him I could help him recover 4 credits, plus help him earn 3.5 additional credits this year with the career tech school and a couple of other required courses ... and that if he returned for a fifth year he could go to the career tech school for the full year and take two required course and some PE electives he would enjoy... for the first time since knowing this kid... he looked like he had hope... and said he is on board! Now I just need to get teachers to get on board with credit recovery... yahoo!!! I don't care if kids graduate in five years, but I care a lot when they drop out after four...<br />
- Making good progress with some parents of students in our autism program... trying some different consequences to try to curb behaviors... and while the parents said they would try my crazy ideas, they were skeptical... and had HUGE success with their kid this week...<br />
- One of the programs I oversee has made huge improvements this year in the way they work with their kids involving a level system... for the last two weeks in order to see anyone from that program, I have had to go to them to check in because student behavior has not resulted in them coming to me! yahoo! <br />
- One of my senior girls who is fabulous and does so well at school, came to me crying because grades are closing next week and between school and her three jobs she is doing to pay for college she is feeling overwhelmed and I offered her a 'work day' where she could be exempt from her classes to just get work done... she was so grateful she brought me a vanilla bean coolatta from dunkin' to say thank you... (Yes she somehow knew that was one of my favorite drinks!)<br />
- One of my students last year, who was expelled has been allowed to return to school with very strict expectations, and she is doing it! (Not to say she hasn't had a few moments where she bursts into my office in tears and needs some moments to calm down, but she is NOT taking her anger and frustration out on teachers or peers!) <br />
- Got an email form the principal expressing his deep gratitude for the work I do and how lucky he feels to have me on his team... (Could not have come at a more needed moment!)<br />
- Had a parent get a little teary eyed and say how thankful she was that I am here for her kid.. <br />
-My sister reached out to me for advice about how to deal with a situation with one of the boys... as an aunt and as an assistant principal...<br />
<br />
So... does the good in these last few weeks balance out the bad enough to keep me going... close... but it's the HOPE I have that the good will always outweigh the bad... in the end... these last few weeks have been hard... very hard... the events described above are a lot to deal with in the course of months... but it has felt so concentrated... so unbelievably concentrated...<br />
<br />
I am trying to take care of me... it's not easy.. but I am trying... I went to the gym twice last week... not a lot, true... but two more times than I have been in the last several months... so, that's progress... and... next weekend I have reseed a room for myself in a hotel, elsewhere, that has a big ol' tub... where I intend to soak... for hours... in peace... away from ALL this... and I cannot wait! <br />
<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-72837570536613734132014-10-12T21:03:00.004-04:002014-10-12T21:03:40.988-04:00More Fall Paddling<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
It was a beautiful day to be on the water... </div>
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<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-44378836119652403982014-10-05T19:52:00.002-04:002014-10-05T19:52:24.022-04:00It worked... almost<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
I needed to get out of my head... badly.. and decided that I needed to get on the water, despite a huge urge to stay in bed all day... I wanted to go to a new place, but it was too windy, so opted for a protected river instead... feathers, ducks, and some fall colors helped calm my mind a bit... </div>
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Here are some pictures...</div>
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<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-87697413040707730692014-10-04T20:21:00.004-04:002014-10-04T20:21:37.795-04:00Right fighting? So... I have recovered from the colonoscopy... though the hospital and medical staff have not heard the last from me... I have a letter in the works and will not let it go..<br />
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Letting go is something that is hard for me... I get fired up about things... hold onto things... and it is hard to let go... last night I saw a story on a local news station... it was about a video that has gone viral... it wasn't a cute cat video or elephants being reunited... it was of a man in an airport who was having a very difficult time.. he had disrobed and was having a bit of a meltdown... the story not only showed the video...but showed groups of people watching the video with reactions of laughter and mockery.... it bothered me... then after the video was over the anchors chortled in with their insulting comments and laughed... this channel has a part of its website dedicated to preventing bullying... and it pissed me off... I fired off some emails to the anchors and to the news director saying I was mortified that a NEWS station would broadcast that as news... that their choice of story endorsed capitalizing on vulnerable people, people with disabilities or mental illness... I was livid... after the story I had to go to school for a football game and was obsessed with checking my phone to see if anyone responded to me... after a while I did get an email from the news director saying she agreed that the story should not have aired, that there were poor choices made all around and that she would be speaking to those responsible for those decisions and hoped that I would trust that their station stands for awareness of mental illness and anti bullying... should be a win, right?? I wanted to hear from the anchors as well... I wanted to hear that they were sorry for being asses, o recognize their mistake... so I kept checking my phone... and eventually got a reply from one of the anchors... who said he understood how the story could be perceived 'that way'... 'that way' being how I described it as offensive and insensitive... but never apologized. I responded asking if it would be shown on the 11:00 broadcast and he said it would not... i responded again and asked if he regretted his part of the story... he avoided the question... and simply said he was sorry it had aired... I have yet to hear from the other anchor... but letting it go... is something I have yet to achieve...<br />
So..... is it admirable that I get so fired up about this kind of stuff... or is it crazy? there are things I find unjust that I just can't let go of... hospital care... people in the hospital are so vulnerable... and when mom was in the hospital she was vulnerable, and we, her family, were also vulnerable... and there were inexcusable things that happened during that time... so when I had my bad experience last week... it triggers some of those memories, but also fires me up because I know there are people out there who are treated as poorly or worse and don't have a voice... but why do I push so hard?<br />
Am I... what Doctor Phil would call a 'Right Fighter?' do I always have to be right? I don't know... but this has made me think about how hard I hold on... how hard it is to let go... on my way home from the football game last night, I drove through downtown Portland... instead of getting on the highway... and drove by the buildings and streets I drive by so often.. but last night... the streets were full of memories... buildings were not just buildings, but places where I spent time with someone special...had intense conversations... moments where our timing was terrible... where we said goodbyes...and hellos... where we shared laughter and tears... and it would be so much easier if I could let it go...<br />
I miss him terribly... I said good bye to him in January and have tried so hard to let him go... to let 'us' go... but... so far my efforts are unsuccessful... I anticipate emails from him... want to call him... and while we have had some communication since January he is trying hard to respect my boundaries... and I appreciate that...<br />
How do I let it go? How do I let him go? Especially when my heart doesn't really want to, but my head knows it's time? The end of this month will mark 15 years since he and I met...<br />
Why am I holding on so hard? Is there something about this that feels unjust that I feel the need to fix? Do I want it to work so that I can be right about how compatible I know we are? I don't know... but the memories last night... that were so vivid as I drove through some of our history... pull so hard at my heartstrings...but I need to let go...TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1063923704712269252.post-91104062625125199022014-09-24T15:55:00.002-04:002014-09-24T16:24:28.435-04:00Butt pokeSo the blog has been pretty quiet... partly because I have been busy, but mostly because I have contemplating many things... and have been trying to decide how I would handle the diagnosis of colon cancer... if I got one...<br />
Cancer... is something that is so scary for me... terrifying if truth be told... In my head, for me, when it comes to cancer it's not if, it's when... people's reactions when I say that vary, but more often than not it involves a bit of a head tilt and encouragement that I shouldn't sentence myself like that... but people don't get it... I think when they hear me say that they view me as a morbid person... one of the nurse's today gave me that live each day to the fullest speech (I'll get more into that in a minute.) she included that I should not let my fear of cancer take over my life. It doesn't take over my life or my thought process, but it is also never absent... I had a colonoscopy today... and part of the preparation, (not the shitting part) was to complete a lot of paperwork... much of the paperwork involved providing family histories, specific to cancer... the number of yeses I had to circle did nothing to reduce my anxiety... does anyone in your family have or has had: Breast cancer? Yes. Colon cancer? yes. Brain Cancer? No (not genetically, but one of my uncles, yes..) Kidney cancer? YES, that's the cancer that murdered my mother. Ovarian/cervical cancer? Yes. And there was a place to put other cancers... and I listed the gastro intestinal stromal tumor that killed Mom's mom.. so... should I be worried about cancer? For damn sure I should. So... why the colonoscopy? well... A few reasons... One being that I was having some minor symptoms (so minor my primary care doctor pretty much told me that it was not cancer), and because mom was so young when she had her colon cancer and colon resection.. and because one of the teachers on my staff was diagnosed this summer with stage 2 colon cancer (with no family history)... And I decided to talk to my doctor about it. My doctor is sweet and she knows how crazy I get with my cancer paranoia... and she said we should do the colonoscopy... (We? of course there is no we in that process, but I got what she was saying.)<br />
Originally I was scheduled to have the butt poke on September 9th, but the week before they called to tell me they needed to reschedule it... which sent my anxiety even higher. So... today was the day... over a month since seeing my primary care doc... a month of sleepless nights... thinking the worse.. wondering how I would keep a cancer diagnosis from my family until I had to tell them and how hard it would be to watch my dad's face when he would hear that one of his girls was going to have her own battle with cancer... and I apologize to Dad and Betty for not sharing, until now, that I was having some symptoms... didn't want to worry people...<br />
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This is probably a topic for another day, but this has also had me thinking about physician assisted suicide... I am not saying that I would want to off myself as soon as I was diagnosed... but I truly believe that people should have that choice...when things are terminal and when the quality of life is extinguished. After watching my mom die as she did... it scares the hell out of me... maybe not the dying part, but the part where she lost so much control of things... she had no choice... when her mother was sick, mom worked so hard to help Grammie maintain dignity, simple things.. and we did the same for mom as we knew it was important to her. I'm not saying Mom would have opted to use physician assisted suicide, but I believe it is important to have that choice. It's legal in Oregon and Vermont... where I would move if need be depending on the length of residency is described in the laws... With Mom we (me & dad) dispensed the medicine, the morphine, at the end of her life that was given to 'make her comfortable.' Rationally I know that the cancer killed my mother... but... there is part of me that at times, feels like I did... because I helped give her the morphine doses. At the time it was a conscious choice to share that task with Dad because I didn't want him to feel like he was killing his wife... I don't think of dad in that way... but for those of us who have been in the situation of using a syringe to put liquid morphine in the mouth of an unconscious person, knowing it will lead to their slow death... it's hard to not feel like there is responsibility in or a role played in the person's death... It would be unfair for me to put family members in that situation....again... Would mom have wanted to push a button, herself, to end it? I don't know... but I know she would not want me to feel like I killed her. And when it is my time... I will have some control.. one way or another... I will have some control... No, that does not mean that I need to see a psychiatrist or that I am suicidal, I am not... it means that I have seen what cancer does and there will be a point in my life...where I will be facing death... and when the quality of my life has no quality... I want to be able to say enough is enough... that would be my choice... and I am not alone in my thinking... I have talked to people who have similar thoughts... whose thinking has gone down the road further than mine even has... I think Maine needs to get on board...<br />
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So... the colonoscopy... the prep...is as bad as people tell you it will be. As I was sitting on the toilet and without any conscious decision on my part, suddenly there was a sound, like a fire hose spraying into my toilet bowl... on full blast... It really was an out of body experience... yes I recognize the pun in that statement, but it is so true... I had no control...none.. and at times didn't have the sensations I would have expected given what my body was doing... all on its own... without me... most of the prep involved shitting fluid on an epic scale... but there was also a moment when I had taken the milk of magnesia prescribed and a few minutes later threw that up because of the texture and attempt to plug my nose while swallowing it... so.. after throwing it up, had to take another dose... it was not a fun experience... to say the least... but... there is no doubt in my mind that my digestive system has never been more clear! Fortunately the outbursts slowed down well before I crashed for the night and thankfully I got some good sleep last night... I got up this morning and did the final dosages of things...showered, and tried to mentally prepare myself for the test...<br />
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Jacey, sweetly agreed to be my guardian today... and she did a great job. We arrived to the area I had been told to go to... a waiting room... and I stood at the desk for a bit before other people in the room said I should probably sit and wait as the attendant had gone to lunch. Gone to lunch? Really? I get that people need lunch breaks, but why would they not have someone replace her to welcome patients? This was not a good start... so we sat... and eventually this lady came in... to be honest I judged her as someone who was probably cleaning... but she was the attendant... She was loud, came in pointing at people in the waiting room, saying I know you guys, I know you guys, but I do not know you. (pointing at me.) I told her we had been sitting for a few minutes and she asked my name. I told her and tried to give her the 5000 page document I had been asked to fill out for this (which I might add NOBODY looked at the entire time I was there.) I did not have to give her my i.d. which I was instructed to bring...did not have to show my insurance card, which I was also told I would need to bring... and they didn't ask for any form of payment...which I was also told I would need... After sitting back down this attendant lady pranced around a bit talking to other people about where their loved ones were...so much for confidentiality... then, after she sat back down loudly said something like.. Wait.. Kimberlee? Who's Kimberlee? I told her it was me and she was flustered because my name on the patient board had changed from gray to pink... and spouted off about something that that color was reserved for people in MACU not some other U... and she marched me over to the nurse's station and asked who had made the mistake... and they all looked at her like she was nuts... and someone took me to another area with a bed.. and the crazy attendant lady came back trying to find out who had done it... at one point I told her that I truly did not care about what color I had been coded that I would like her to leave so that I could get started with this whole thing...the nurse to whom I had been assigned then tried to make small talk, but in doing so revealed she was new and wasn't really familiar with some of the paperwork.. seriously? Another confidence boost.. I told Jacey if I hadn't spent the last two days shitting my ass off I would have left at that point for fear of incompetence... then came the moment to change in to the hospital gown... I asked the nurse for a larger gown and she said she wasn't sure what they had available, she may have one that was bigger, but not longer because they don't have huge ones... Huge? I called her on that... she apologized... and Jacey and I just looked at each other...<br />
Prior to the appointment I had talked with folks at the office of the doc who was going to do the procedure and made it clear I did not want to be awake at all... and was assured I would be out... the nurse who came to give me my happy juice, which I wish had started sooner, insisted I was doing a partial sedation and that I would have some amnesia... Amnesia? Amnesia my ass lady ! I remember it all! Once I was wheeled into the procedure room the doctor, to whom I had expressed my anxiety, asked why I have so much anxiety. When I shared my family's cancer filled history (which he had not read from the 5000 pages I had filled out and brought with me...) his expression changed and he said he understood why I was fearful... which I really appreciated. He acknowledged my paranoia was legit... and he told the nurse to give me a little extra drugs... but as I said I remember it all... I could feel the scope moving through my colon... not enjoyable... and could hear what they were saying... exactly what I had said I did NOT want to have happen... next time I will work with my primary care doc ahead of time and will go the other route, being knocked out... I wrote down the drug they can use in that situation. I understand they don't want to put people under unnecessarily so, but had I freaked out and moved during that procedure I think that could have put me at risk of having things torn... which would not be good... during the procedure I heard the doctor say he found a tiny polyp... tiny was better than small, but hearing that at all, was anxiety heightening. Why do people who are in the medical field ignore the psychological needs of the patients? I get that it is routine for them.. it is not routine for the patient on the table... there is a lot of work people need to do to take better care of patients... I was so absolutely clear with every single medical staff person I spoke with on the phone before today, to my primary care doc, to the nurses and doc today that my anxiety was high, not because they were gonna shove a camera up my ass, but because of the results it could yield... and every person, except my primary care doc, dismissed it... not okay. <br />
But... I am glad I had it done... the doctor found one tiny polyp which will be analyzed and I hope it is not cancer... my parting gift was that I get to do this again in five years... which I will do... (hoping by then the prep stuff involves pills not milk of magnesia.) <br />
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So..I am hoping I can begin to rest easier... and do encourage people to get the medical screening you need... even if you haven't seen a doctor since.. ohh.. I don't know.. 1983 or so...<br />
<br />TallGalhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14764150046256938622noreply@blogger.com0