11/28/2013

Family...

Everyone who knows me knows how much family means to me.  
Today, Thanksgiving, is my favorite holiday... I get to see many family members who I don't often get to see.  I love it.  Today we had 33 people... a good crowd.. mostly my father's siblings and their children and grandchildren... it was great.  
My Dad's sisters have been going through more of the things from my grandmother's house and sent some things home with me and Dad.  Among the treasures were a couple of pictures that I love! 

This is me... with my grandfather, Dad's dad... when I was 7 months old.  Grampie sat in that chair and subsequent chairs in that same location and would tell us stories... we were always so enamored with him.  The bookcase in the back left, is not in my home... and makes this picture even more special to me.  (ALso special because, as a second born child, I have few baby pictures!) 

This picture was also in the package and I love this as well. A picture of me with my sister and Mom.  I showed this to Betty and asked her how old she thought I was in the photo and she said 3.  According to the date on the back of the picture... I was probably 15 months old!  Love this... 
I am grateful for my family... 
Grateful for Betty and Jacey in becoming such an integral part of our family.... 
and... for my Friends... you know who you are... I am grateful for you... and consider you family... 
Happy Thanksgiving!

11/26/2013

Hope...

It's hard to update people on things that happen... because there are so many things... and many of those many things are tricky.. and writing about them has to be done carefully... to not give identifying information... there have been LOTS of kid stuff... lots...  Let's see... There are the kids who hate school... HATE it... and they skip school... come in late daily... and some we lose... I have several kids this year who are somewhere on that spectrum and it is tricky... the school skippers... we do home visits... and try to work with the families to see how we can work to get kids to school... sometimes it works, sometimes not... sometimes consequences on days they do come to school work, but when you think about it making a kid stay longer in a place they hate for not coming... doesn't make a lot of sense... so we get creative.. or we try... kids who are tardy... often times it is more of an issue with the parents than with the kid... kids are often ready to go and parents run late...I have a couple of kids with whom I have daily contact... as I am getting ready in the morning I send a text to one and call another.... I am hoping this is a short term arrangement and hope that they can get into good habits... but the good news, it is helping... one kid who has been chronically tardy... and misses several days... was supposed to stay with me today after school... we had an early release day... kids left around 11 and teachers stayed for parent teacher conferences... some kids got to spend some quality time with me today as they watched their friends leave for the day.  (I told them my reasoning was so that on Thanksgiving they could offer something to be grateful for...an assistant principal who values her time with them!)  I was a little nervous they would "forget" so I reached out to them today.  One, I knew would stay because his guardian would make his life miserable at home if he didn't... he stayed...another kid also didn't have me too worried, his parents stopped in last night at conferences to chat with me and I was assured he would stay... he did... another student said she was terribly sorry, but she couldn't stay because she had an appointment... As we called home to verify she looked a bit nervous... her guardian said she could stay, but needed to leave a little early for her appointment and that she would be happy to make up the time next week... beautiful.  She stayed... though we will need to add quality time together because, as I suspected, she was on twitter while staying and posted a picture of another kid who also stayed... she and I have to spend more time together so she understands how I operate.  Then there was this other kid... I met with him not long before the buses were supposed to depart, taking kids home for the long weekend... he too told me he couldn't make it.  As I dialed his mom's number he looked disappointed... and she said he could stay, absolutely.  Perfect.  Until it wasn't.  About 15 minutes after most of the kids left... he was missing... and I grinned, knowing he had taken the bus home.  I waited a few minutes and called home... and he was there... I asked mom if it would be possible for me to come get him and bring him back to school. She was more than happy with that.  So, along with another staff member, I went to his house and picked him up.  I don't think he wanted to come with me and think he debated about taking off, running away, literally, but he thought better of it and came back to school... I told him and his mom since he had caused me to miss some time at school to come get him, he needed to stay for an extra half hour... she agreed... he... well... didn't grin.  Keeping kids after school for three hours when their friends have left... is tough... and I think it worked... the kid who I brought back to school ended up helping me with some physical tasks... we are in the process of relocating to a different workspace and he packed boxes... and he seemed to enjoy it.  the other Asst. Principal, our secretary and I kept talking to him as he worked, thanking him... and it was interesting to watch him... it was the most confident I have seen him since meeting him this fall.  I am wondering if he felt competent... and in other areas he feels incompetent... As the afternoon passed and other kids left he started talking a bit more.. shared information about his family... and when he and I were chatting he told me that it was not torture to stay after school with me... and I told him that I care about him and his success... that I wouldn't have come to his house to bring him back to school if I didn't care about him... he said he got it... he said he is going to start taking the bus every day because he gets to school earlier... I thanked him for his hard work and he grinned... the first time I have seen that from him... and said he was happy to help.  When I told him he could leave a few minutes early he started to leave and then turned back, paused long enough to catch my eye... and told me to have a great Thanksgiving... that kid is worth saving... I am beginning to categorize some kids as my invisibles ... kids who work hard to not be noticed... hope to fade into the background... in my theory.. because they think that's where they belong... My job.. is to reflect light onto them... to let them have moments where they are recognized... he is one of them... and there is hope...
There is a flip side... without being arrogant I can say that I am good at connecting with kids... and when I cannot connect with kids I can usually think of someone who could... there is a kid now... who I am worried about... for his benefit... and for ours... he is angry... his history justifies his anger... his current situation justifies his anger... but he has no skills to cope with that... and... I have decided he is not a kid I want to handle solo... I have brought our principal in as his primary adult... and feel better about that... thinking a male, for this student, may be better... and also feel that having him directly involved is a smart thing... but it breaks my heart... people wonder why mean adults...angry adults... are the way they are... chances are they have reasons... I won't give up on him.. but I will walk carefully... with eyes wide open...
And in some dark cases there are moments of light... another student... I cannot remember if I wrote about her here... was removed from our school... she had a very hard day and she had come to me and we were having a great conversation... until she spoke with a parent...and then she was pissed... and I was there, so I became her target... threats of hurting me... calling me names... and I knew in that moment what she was doing... she was begging us to take her back to the very restricted environment she was used to.  I have thought of her from time to time... and recently received a letter from her.  I was surprised... and glad... and need to write back to her.  She apologized... I believe it is probably part of her therapy, part of a restorative approach to things... but I believe what she wrote... the details she shared were insightful... and I hope she can change...and I hope her life circumstances can change to support the changes she will hopefully make...
Another kid... one of my favorites... has been battling some demons... the good part.. she went to one of our teachers and told him what she was thinking... and when I was brought in she talked more to us than she did all of last year.. I learned more about her in that two hour conversation than all of last year... she accepted help, accepted that she needed to get help... and right now... is stable... She is another of my invisibles...
As an administrator there are so many decisions that need to be made... and sometimes I am never sure if I make the right one... recently we held a talent showcase... where kids could perform in a fairly informal setting... the kids are told their performances must be school appropriate... this performance attracted a lot of people... a large crowd... I was standing with one of my kids, playing with her child while one of our other students took the stage... hie performance was not school appropriate... as he performed I heard lyrics that were referencing sex, body parts, and he dropped the f bomb... when he did that I felt all eyes in the room turn to me... the student I was closest to told me everyone was looking at me... I said I knew that and that I was not going to react.. yet... One teacher came up and yelled at me," Are you really gonna let that continue?"  My initial thought was.. LET? really... ok lady... YOU go get your administrative certification and see if you can plan for everything and LET things happen... I did not want to jump on the stage and cause a bigger scene... I did not want my BFA recorded with kids phones and posted to social media... at the end of his first song... he was intending to do two.. I stopped him... and while the crowd chanted, let him sing... I denied him... his begging and promise to keep it clean didn't work.. and he left the stage... I let things settle a bit, he walked from the stage high fiving his pals and others in the audience... and as the next act began, I found him in the crowd and told him he needed to quietly without causing a scene, meet me in my office.  We chatted, parents were called... and I warned him that his social media profiles would be monitored as I made my decision about consequences... He seemed to get it... he seemed to understand his mistake... his parents... on the other hand... were concerned because his consequence meant he missed tryouts for a sports team.. Really? Had I done something like that at school... my parents would not have LET me try out ... they would not have LET me out... of the house, for that matter.  When did parents stop wanting to be parents? When did they become afraid of their kids? Fortunately I work with a great team of administrators and we support each other and my decision was upheld.
My camping kid... is doing great... he is such a hoot!  He makes me smile every day.  I picked his mom up last night to bring her to parent teacher conferences (and mentally noted that next year we should provide some school buses to transport parents who don't have cars to get to the conferences.) The conferences went well.. and as I drove her home.. she said how proud of her son she is... I was thrilled... I swear I heard heavenly music... she has, labeled her son as the trouble maker in the family... compares him, often unfairly, to her other kids... but on the drive to her home... she told me all his strengths... he is cleaning her house, the other kids don't... he is coming home early at night, her other kids are not... I asked her if she remembered the conversations we have had with him, in my office, on her sofa.. where she asked him to do those things... she did... and she smiled... I said...I know it seems like he doesn't always listen to you.. but he is listening.. and he is hearing you... sometimes you just need to let him save face... but he gets it... He came in to see me today... I could tell by his grin and his body language he had something positive to share.  I asked him what he wanted to tell me and he screwed up his face and said, he didn't want to tell me nothin'... which meant he wanted me to ask... so I did... "What did your mom tell you about conferences last night?" His response... a grin... and said.. "She said I am doing aw- ight!"  I looked at him, giving him one of my looks and he laughed... and then said. "ok, ok... she said I am doing good.."  I paused.. and said... "AND?"... he looked away.. and said quietly... "She tell me she proud uh me..."  BINGO!  I was so happy to see this from him... He has been wanting so badly for her to see him as a good kid... and I think he is proud of himself!  I shared with him that she told me about his cleaning and he was surprised she knew it was him... I loved that... When he graduates... man oh man... I will be so happy.. so proud... and will probably cry! 
Social media.... Twitter is my nemesis... truly.  I hate it.  Kids get on their devices and think they can say ANYTHING... and it gets heated... and kids get scared... the way the law is written... school CAN get involved with cyberbullying when a student feels unsafe coming to or being at school due to cyber activities... even if the communication happened off school grounds, on a device purchased by parents, and during non school hours... The last couple of weeks have involved hours of twitter research... what did I find as I was searching for specific information about a bullying incident? A picture of a student holding a gun... pictures of kids smoking marijuana, kids drinking alcohol... racial slurs... homophobic speech... and what kids don't get is once I have seen those things, I cannot unsee them... Some I have to report... to the police officer in our building and/pr to parents... the kids hate me for that... and I am okay with it.  Parents are so unfamiliar with twitter... they are mortified when they see their child's twitter pages... so here's a situation... a kid comes to me... scared shitless... afraid he is going to get beaten up... and shows me some screenshots (pictures of what was on his ipad screen) of the conversation between him and another kid.  It got heated...name calling... and lewd language... things I can quote because they are public twitter accounts, but I do not want to repeat them... other kids chimed in... and it grew.... until a final threat... to meet and fight... so... I get screenshots of this entire conversation... and call the parents of the student who was making the threats... they arrive.  I show them the tweets... and they are angry... disappointed.. mortified... and after I talk with them and agree on the consequences... I call the student down... he quickly becomes agitated seeing his parents and asked why they were there... I told him because of twitter.  He looked and asked me if it was about some supposed fight that was going to happen.  I said yes.  He said he had heard about it.  Heard about it? he said that someone had told him about it... heard about it? You are a part of it.  He then proceeds... with his parents and our school police officer in the room... to tell us that he did not have a twitter account.  That someone had created an account using his name... It felt wrong to me... and I asked who he thought would do that and why... he said he didn't know, but that there were kids who are jealous of him and want to see him in trouble... His parents are looking at me... wondering what is happening... I began wondering too... but had a feeling it was him... I asked to see his ipad... he handed it to me... it was not the school issues device... it was his personal ipad... I had him enter the passcode and searched the history... and didn't find any twitter on his history.. but knowing I am not a guru with technology I called our guru and she came down and she too found no history.  Hmmm...
Do you have another device? A phone?
No.
An ipod?
Yes.
Let me see it.
Again, nothing on the ipod to indicate twitter activity... at this point the school police officer leaves to go question a couple of the other kids who had chimed in on this event and who are also friends with this kid... and I am left with the parents, the kid, and the tech guru. I excuse the tech guru and say to the kid... if I am wrong I owe you a huge apology.... I am not saying I am wrong.. yet... because I feel that you are capable of this.  He kept eye contact the entire time he was telling me again that he did not have twitter... I told him and his parents that it scared me that I would so quickly believe he had done this... and that I was sorry for causing alarm... and I waited... something in my gut... I was about to have them leave and the SRO (School resource officer) returned and said one of this kids friends had seen him on twitter... saw him posting... the kid said the other kid was not telling the truth... he said, you searched my devices... you know I haven't been on twitter... the SRO and I made eye contact and knew we had nothing... so I told him and his parents he could return to class, apologized for having them come in... and they stood to leave... and then I asked them to wait... I said that I needed to search his bag because I felt like he had another ipad or something... he handed me his bag... and I looked through it.. between books and binders... nothing... looked in pockets.. nothing... but kept feeling around... and felt it... but couldn't find out how to get to it... there was a secret pocket... and inside... another ipad... as soon as I pulled it out (Not his by the way... his father's... from who he had taken it without permission) this kid's face dropped... and he said, angrily, "Fine... you wanna know the truth?"  and proceeded to tell on himself... needless to say the consequences were implemented... AND I made it clear to him that I will not trust him... not for a VERY long time.. if ever... I was pissed that he lied... so straight faced about it...
I did also attend visiting hours for the mother of two of my boys... don't want to share more about that now, but... was very glad I went... 
Oh... my after school program was recently recognized at the school board meeting.  I got to speak about it, its impact, and brag about some of the kids' success... and one of the kids came to speak... it was great! 

So... this is a bit of what I do... some snapshots... and it is consuming... I have needed to unplug at night... and read... in order to sleep...  other wise I think about these kids, and others... what more I can do... where I need to do more outreach... to somehow get to the bigger community to help more... I worry about kids going to bed hungry... but I also take pride in what I do... of the difference I hope I am making... the relationships I build with kids... it is worth it... I think often about something and maybe I have shared it before... many people say 'they say it takes ten positive things to offset one negative thing...'  when they talk about kids self esteem... I believe that is probably true... but I think in education we do the opposite... we work hard... muddle through the sad stories, the heartbreaking circumstances... get sad...worry... and when we have one moment... maybe a small moment, but a powerfully positive moment... we delete the bad things... and in that moment... KNOW what we do makes a difference... and gain motivation to keep going... to do more... Despite its challenges... MANY Challenges... I love my job... love the kids... and hope... hope I make a difference...

11/07/2013

It was a hard day.

My job is intense... and some days... hard... very hard...  like today. 

There are families whose dynamics are very complicated... one of the first students I met at this job was a kid who would be stereotyped as a skater with a huge attitude and wasn't going anywhere in life... I spent a lot of time with him and learned a lot about his history.  It wasn't pleasant.  The physical abuse he endured as a child has left physical and emotional scars... and somehow he ended up in the custody of his abuser.  I worked with him and his parent on many issues and learned how dysfunctional their relationship was... with him, the parent had little patience and control.  There was, in this parent's mind, no room for mistakes... and this child, his child, had no potential... he viewed his son as uncaring ... yet... on Friday nights, under the lights, he would show up at the varsity football game to support his step brother... he would stand in the shadows, not with his father, and would leave before the end of the last quarter to avoid seeing his family.  But... he was there.  He has a tough exterior... many people were afraid of him...very few friends... when I had to call home I spoke to the step mother... who often felt in the middle between her husband and her step son...

This year he made the choice to no longer attend school... dropped out.  I was sad, but also understood.  He is not doing great, but he is making a go of it... he has two jobs and is renting an apartment... and he is happier... hard to believe that not yet being an adult yet having adult worries is better than living at home... with a parent.  He has had little to no contact with his father and step mom since moving out... he has had some contact with his step brother...

The step brother.  Stereotyped as a jock... has many friends...popular.. charismatic... supported so differently by his stepfather... the same person, the same father described above... he attends all games... sends emails to administrators about the need to increase his playing time... he describes his stepson as a great kid, a hard worker, as 'going somewhere'...his mom and step dad are seen as supportive parents, as there for their son.... he's a good kid.  heart of gold... wears his heart on his sleeve... wants a relationship with his step brother, but bobs and weaves through the dysfunction to try to maintain it. 

Tragedy.  Aneurysm.  Stepmom/Mom was rushed to the hospital and they immediately did surgery.  Things have been up in the air... The step brother has been at school... trying to distract himself... has spent much of his time in my office or in with his guidance counselor... where he feels the most comfortable... He has talked to us both about his feelings and fears... and has asked us for hugs... needing support....

Today... Dad/stepdad came to my office.  He cried in my office... for an hour... as he told me that his wife is not getting better.  Things are worse.  Since being hospitalized she has suffered several strokes... doctors cannot explain why she is not responding to medications designed to prevent strokes... ultimately the decision to terminate life support will be made this weekend... and he is lost... he talked a lot about his feelings... his concerns for his stepson... for his wife's best friend... for his best friend who is worried sick about him... about his god children... and returned to talking about his stepson... and about him... I listened... and then I asked him about his son... he said he has not had much contact with him.  He said his son knew that his stepmom had been taken to the hospital but hadn't tried to visit and hadn't called..that his stepson was irate about his son's lack of communication about it.... I know his son has tried to go to the hospital... and wasn't on the list to see her... I know there is anger from the stepson to the son because he believes he has not tried to make contact...

I asked him if he was going to get in touch with his son to tell him... and he said he didn't know how... His son has no cell phone, no way to have direct contact without face to face contact...... that they have not been in touch... that if his son cared he could look at his stepmother's facebook page for updates... and he fears his son arriving for Thanksgiving dinner asking where his stepmother is...not knowing she has died... he didn't feel he needed to reach out to his son.. he felt his son needed to reach out to him... and that was that... I asked him if he wanted help in relaying information to his son, even if it meant having the police try to find him... he said yes... though I knew I would not need the police... I know where he is working... as does his father... but won't take the step of reaching out to him there...

My heart breaks for these kids... the kid who is still attending my school is going to fall... fall hard... and he will have people rally around him...embrace him... and even with that support he will be in such pain... the other kid... will also be in pain... and who will he go to?

I knew... in my soul... that the kid I worked with last year... would never ever forgive himself if he didn't get the chance to say good bye to his stepmother... and I feared that it would be ammunition that would be used against him for the rest of his father's life... technically he is no longer a student.. no longer one of my kids... but... I care for this kid... and he is about to lose his step mother... who has been more of a mother to him than his mother... and I grabbed my coat and headed for my truck...

I got to his job site... a fast food establishment... I asked to see him... when he saw me.. his face had a look of confusion...we found a semi private area to talk... I apologized for going to his job... but told him it was really important that I see him.  I told him he needed to contact his father.  He said he knew about his step mom, that she was in the hospital and shared the story about trying to go see her (Which I had heard form his girlfriend) that he hasn't been able to take time off work because he needed to make rent... ... I told him there was new information...that he needed to take time off... and he looked confused.. this tough kid, a kid... wearing his uniform... with his big gauged earrings ... working so hard to be a man... he looked into my eyes... all i saw was a little boy...  I told him that I needed to tell him that things are not good.  I told him I had spent an hour with his father and that I wanted to talk to him.. not because I cared, in that moment, about his father or stepbrother, that I was there to talk to him... I said... I hate to have to tell you this... but it's bad... things with your step mom... he asked how bad... I said she had suffered several strokes since being in the hospital and the doctors are not finding ways to help.   I told him that given what I know about him he needed to find time to go see her... to say good bye... because I know that he will hate himself forever if she dies before he does so... his eyes filled with tears... and I asked him in that moment if he wanted a hug.. and he looked up at me... and just collapsed into my arms... this tough, bad ass kid... and I cried with him... he quickly tried to recover... saying he had to get back to work... I told him I would speak to his boss if he needed someone to verify his need for some time off... he said he didn't need that now... I told him to come to me... when he needs it... he thanked me for coming and talking to him... which... was pretty mature... demonstrating how different he is from the picture his father paints...

I believe he will show up in my office... and I believe he will punch a hole in my wall because he won't know what else to do with his anger and grief... I don't know when.. but I believe he will... I reached out to two of the adults in our building who know him well... in anticipation that he will at some point need them...

That was so hard... to tell a kid that his step mom isn't going to make it... to go and say good bye to her... I am sure some people would think that it isn't my job to do that... but ... I couldn't not tell him... the idea of him now knowing.. not having the chance to say good bye... knowing how much harder it would be on him when she dies if he doesn't have that chance... I had to... and... it sucked.  As someone who is not a parent... I didn't anticipate I would need to be the person to deliver that news to a kid.... and yet... I had to...

This will be a funeral I will attend... for both boys... for different reasons...

Of course this triggers a lot... and when I returned to school ... my secretary asked where I had gone... I told her... and teared up a bit... tried hard not to... and she gave me a look filled with such compassion... and said she was sure it also triggered a lot for me... she doesn't know details about Mom.. but she knows Mom died of cancer... and she gets it...

It was a hard day. 





My Favorite Place

My Favorite Place