Suggestions/Comments NEEDED...

*Added after writing the rest of the blog.... if you don't want to read this other stuff, but want to know what the heading is about....go to the last paragraph... :-)

The word of the day is... STIFF...I have iced my knee a lot today. Bending is hard...straightening is hard...I thought as the day unfolded it would improve. So... I got in my truck and drove to school... to get a couple of books and to touch base with the new principal as well as the school's vice principal. I needed to tell them that I was going to be back, but that I may need to have some flexibility once school starts, in regards to not staying after school for meetings, due to my need to rest and I know I will be exhausted. They seemed ok with it...and both were surprised to see my incisions, saying I had been filleted...But there was more to my visit today than that.

When the school year ended in June, I was in a bad place. I had missed a lot of work because of my knee and it hurt to be at work...I was ready for school to be over...People wanted to be understanding, but I know there were skeptics who thought I was being a wimp... or overly dramatic...I couldn't coach my middle school track team because I doubted I could stand up for entire practices, let alone meets...and it was hard to face people. I had a lot of anxiety at work... before I was properly diagnosed I felt crazy...as I have written about here, in earlier blogs. I felt like maybe I was fine, that the pain was in my head because nobody could give me an answer...so part of me thought if the experts can't tell me what's wrong, maybe it's not real. That...combined with people's skepticism made it really really hard to go to work. Once I got the official diagnosis, I was relieved...so relieved.... but people at work still did not understand. They acted sympathetic, and some were genuinely concerned...bit some people remained skeptical... how do I know that? Maybe I am a bit paranoid, but I feel like I read people pretty well..I think even my fellow coaches, for whim I have a lot of respect, questioned the legitimacy of my condition....So... knowing school is starting is causing a little anxiety to flare up. I know that I have nothing to worry about...maybe these scars are my "badge of proof" to the skeptics. It's hard because I thought I was long past that phase of worrying about what other people think. In most areas of my life I am... My height...gets so much attention...people react to me in different ways...like a man in the sandwich shop today...after staring at me the entire time I was ordering and hobbling... he was more interested in how tall I was than holding a door for me to help me out. Get off your ass rude man and help a girl out...regardless of how tall she is. But this PVNS condition...has screwed with my head... a lot. Why do I feel I have to proove to people that I had a major surgery to attempt to eradicate myself of a rare, extrememly painful condition....that could still come back??... I don't know....

I think I am doing better, but it still is effecting me and that makes me mad...in some ways I feel like this is my first year of teaching again... that I have things to prove...and I am mad about that...pissed... I am so ready for life to go back to "normal." But what is normal? The last could of years have been full of drama for my family. Diagnosises...hospitalizations...I hope my recent Boston trip is the last time my family will have to spend time in a hospital for a while...as patients or as visitors. So...maybe I need to create a new "normal"...but I am not sure where to begin in that process. I have amazing people in my life...who love me...and I know life will get back to "normal"...heck..maybe it will be better than normal...

I think of my dad a lot theses days... My dad is taller than me....on a good day he is 6'7...on a bad day, he is shorter...my height...merely 6'6". What differentiates a good day from a bad one? The state of Dad's back. He has had problems, pain for years...with little relief. It began when he was working at a job that required a lot of physical labor and he started missing work time. He looked the same...tall, strong...so people did not realize how much pain he experienced...as time went on, people questioned its legitimacy...and it took its toll mentally on my dad...on our family...It's been...geesh... since '91 I think since Dad's injury. I feel like I can understand more of how he felt...or must have felt...Dad, in true Mainer style, stayed pretty quiet about it all...I know that "normal" changed a lot for my parents...their day to day life is very different than it was. But I can see that they have overcome a lot...and are in a better place...but I know how exhausting this is...not just physically...but mentally...very tough.

So..now that I am feeling pretty down...I think I want to ask you all a favor to help cheer me up...I need something to look forward to...ok...a few things to look forward to...short term and long term... so... how about this... you all comment on this blog and offer me ideas of things I can do to help myself get back to a better than normal life. I think one of the things I am going to do...is start saving for some kind of vacation/trip somewhere... ok...so that has not been a normal part of my life... but maybe it should me. Where should I go? I hope to see a lot of suggestions for upcoming adventures....if I do any of them, I will be sure to document it and post pictures!