RED toes

I apologize for not writing yesterday. I just did not know what to write about. Part of this process that is hard for me is that my conversations with people have the same topic... my knee. Naturally that is what the conversation centers around at this point...which is ok. I think I am just tired of how much I am consumed by my knee...have been consumed by it for such a long time now. I felt good yesterday, but admit that I wasn't happy go lucky. I was not content...I tried reading, not ok, movies, not ok, napping, couldn't get comfortable, went online...bored...everything just seemed the same. I was also feeling frustrated at how much EVERYTHING I do is now calculated. leaving my apartment, just to go onto the porch... gotta use the crutches, avoid any possible obstacles, figure out how to open the door while holding it open so I don't scratch myself...I was exhausted of having to think so much... ok, yes..mark it on the calendar...I, me, the overanalyzer of the east... was tired of thinking. So... I do what I always do when I am not feeling up to par.... withdrew from people a little. Though I will say I had a great conversation with Lola. Other than that highlight, I spent a good part of the day feeling sorry for myself and mad about how much energy goes into thinking about any little thing I want to do.

Today I got my head out of my BFA... (BFA is a term borrowed from my great friend Meg... it stands for Big Fat Ass.) partly because I was still in bed when Meg came to visit. I knew she was coming, but she got here early. She came down to do some laundry and dishes for me...pretty great, right? We had a good visit and she wanted to play canasta. She thought without my mom here she had a chance of winning.... good to know she is an optimist.....but I kicked her butt...hard.... and loved it. In canasta there is an understanding that what you say is not meant to be taken to heart...name calling, while not encouraged, is forgiven....Meg lashed out in one of her weaker moments and told me she hoped my physical therapist hurt me good today! She had no malicious intent and the kind of friendship we have, it was all said in fun.... although she knew I was a little nervous about PT today. While Meg was here my physical therapist called...she was going to be early... OHHHH NOOOOO... I hadn't had time to stretch much... because of Meg's need to get beat in canasta... so I jumped on the CPM machine, hoping for miracles.... "P," the physical therapist, had warned me Wednesday that if my range of motion had not improved much...she would have to mannually stretch me...which she had done before and it hurt... so I was motivated. I was also hoping she didn't hurt me much because I was supposed to go out later with some friends for a pedicure...

So Meg left... and P arrived... and .... I had her measure my range twice..hoping the second time would show enough of an improvement.... but... it didn't... I could tell by her face... but it wasn't too bad. It hurt...I laid on my bed, on my stomach and bent my knee as far up as I could...raising my foot toward the ceiling...and when I could go no further she had me relax as she held it there....then she pushed it...gently, but pushed it.... until I said...ok...which meant, That Hurts now!!! Ten times we did that... TEN TIMES.....but I know it is good for me. After she left I iced my knee for about an hour. I talked a little to P and she encouraged me to get out of the house…said it would be good for my soul… I know she is right, but it takes so much energy. I did still want to go for the pedicure....and as you can see from the picture above... I got there...Kris and Suellen came by and we managed to get me into the back of Kris's little SUV. We got to the mall for our pedicures and I was very excited to be out of my house. So it was our turn and we went to sit in the chairs where they do the pedicures…. Houston, we have a problem….I could not bend my leg enough to get it into the little water bath part of the chair…but I decided that wasn’t going to stop me and asked the woman to do her best given that I couldn’t bend my leg. And she did… so now I have RED toes…very red. Then Kris and Sue stayed for dinner, pizza with chicken, tomato, green pepper, and onion… YUM… then… you are never going to believe this… I left my house again… TWICE in one day… I know… you won’t believe it…but I did… We went to the movies to see “No Reservation.” It was a good movie…very much a chick flick…but good.

A huge THANK YOU to Kris and Sue for today. It felt so good to go out… and you both were so gracious when you helped me carry my purse so I could crutch without falling…and helped me feel good about being out….you encouraged me and I appreciate it. You are good friends. Also to Meg... I know you know how much I appreciaate your visits and your help...you know how hard it is for me to accept people's kind gestures and help.... thank you for making it so easy to let you help me.

Not to bore you all but I want to get a little philosophical for a minute…today while I was in the shower…which felt extra good today…I was thinking about a book I love…”Conversations with God.” I have mentioned it here before. I was thinking about it in regard to pain…this was after P had left. The book talks about needing to know/experience something so that we can know/experience its opposite. We recognize day because we recognize night…we know hot because of cold or cold because of hot….so in the shower I was thinking about why I am having to feel this pain…so that when it is gone… I will know it is gone….I can’t wait for that day…