December... means... Christmas

So December has arrived... and with it lots of things are happening. My last post indicated that there is a lot in my head, and there still is, but I am hoping that by writing I can inspire myself to write more.

Let's see... I have not been to Zumba in over three weeks...and other than yesterday's brief workout, I have not been to the gym either.... because I hurt my back... I think that I did something to it in Zumba class... perhaps too much booty shaking for my own good. So I took it easy for a couple of weeks and it was feeling better. then I went to see my dad for Thanksgiving and sorted through some of my mom's crafting supplies, boxed them up and carried them upstairs... then Dad and I put weight in the back of our trucks to help with safely navigating the winter Maine roads.. and I think it was too much..... I was planning on babying it a bit longer, but was pushed into getting a doctor's appointment when I found myself getting out of my truck when a sharp pain almost landed me on the ground and I was stuck in a position that was in between upright and bent over... I had to push myself upright, and knew I needed to do more than baby it... so I made an appointment to see my doctor. The good news, it's muscular not a disc or bone issue... bad news... it's in the lower back, in the hardest to to heal location... her prescription, heating pad, stretching, and light workouts... so.. I did work out yesterday... warmed up on the treadmill, stretched, 1.5 miles (17 minutes) on the elliptical, then more stretching... so far so good, but I decided to take it easy today and not work out... I have also scheduled an appointment to see a chiropractor next week... so we'll see if that helps... my dad swears by his chiropractor, I hope I get as lucky.

It's the end of another semester of my masters degree... 2 weeks left. So it has been a little hectic.. this particular class has been a struggle for me. The assignments have been too specific yet open ended all at the same time... and the professor has been inconsistent with his due dates and it has been confusing at times,... not to mention how much the professor has grown to love his own voice. So I am thrilled that it is almost over.

Coaching has also begun for another season... and while I was disappointed that a few of the kids, seniors, that I have coached since they were 6th graders decided not to do track, I am excited for the kids who are doing it. There are a lot of new faces and great attitudes. I am REALLY excited for Friday's practice. I have decided that the girls team and I are doing our own special practice... as a way to do some team building... so...(and my back BETTER be able to handle this...) I have hired a Zumba teacher to come and do a private class for the team. I am so looking forward to it. The girls don't know what we are doing, they just know that I have planned something just for them... I think it will be awesome!

Life outside of work, coaching, and classes... has been fairly calm... with a couple of adventures mixed in... I have decided to not really do much decorating for Christmas... last year I spent the holiday in the hospital with my mom... and it sucked... yes, she was here, but it was when we learned that there really was no hope... that the meds had failed to help make her tumor operable... and we knew without doubt, that we would lose her. Merry Christmas.... right? So, this year, while I am not the grinch or too much of a bah humbug... I am lacking in Christmas spirit. I am not putting up my usual christmas decorations, because mom painted the decorations that I love most... and I am not ready to face those things, to bring those emotions closer to the surface.... I just can't do it... Last year I attended a holiday concert with some of my closest friends... and it was beautiful, but it was also emotional... they wanted to make it an annual event and invited me to go again this year and I declined... knowing that it would be too much... hearing the music my mom loved so much would have been hard... so ... I declined... One of my friends in that crew, Melissa, admitted to me that at first she was offended that I didn't want to go, but then felt guilty because she said she never even thought about how I would feel about the holidays and she felt guilty for that... no worries Melissa... I am glad my grief is not in the forefront of other people's minds. I did join them for dinner at their house after the concert and that was a nice compromise... to be able to see them all but not put myself through the concert. While there, Tobias, who is 3 years old, asked me why my mom had died...his questioning was so sweet, gentle... curious... kids are so innocent. I love that his parents have been so open with him and I told him my mom died because she got really sick and the doctors couldn't help her... that's the only answer I have... and maybe, in it's simplicity, it is the only answer... that answer surely involves less thinking... my conversation with Tobias somehow also came around to questioning me about whether or not I had a husband, why I don't have a husband, and if I want one, and if I will ever get one... so... I told Tobias that maybe Santa will bring me a husband for Christmas....

As far as Christmas goes... I am not sure what I will be doing... the only thing I know is that I will be with my dad. And, to the best of our abilities, we have promised that we will NOT be spending that day in any hospitals... fingers crossed there will be no need to visit any hospitals.... we considered going out to see my sister and her family... but I had a lot of mixed emotions about that... and was semi-relieved when I realized scheduling conflicts with coaching mean that I have to coach the day after Christmas, so being 5 hours away on Christmas day isn't really a do-able thing...I had mixed emotions about spending the holiday with my sister and her family because I am not really sure how I will feel that day... and while the boys would be a good distraction... I am not sure I want to be distracted... it's weird... I don't want to completely focus on the fact that my mom isn't here, but I also don't want to carry on normally... Dad and I may go to his sister's house for part of the day... and we have also been invited to have dinner with some of his friends... so I am sure we will find something to do.

So there is lots going on... and lots going on in my head... but I am trying to balance it all without overthinking any of it... which, for those of you who know me well... is totally impossible!


Been a while...

So when I take a hiatus from blogging it can mean one of a few things... perhaps there is nothing to write about, perhaps there is too much to write about, or sometimes there is a lot of things just swirling around in my head...or life gets busy... I think this latest break was because there has been a lot in my head and I haven't really been able to articulate it all... well that's partly true... and the rest of the truth is something that is hard to own... I haven't known how to articulate myself without evoking pity... and the things in my head are not things that I want people to feel badly for me about... they just are... what they are... and I get that... I also haven't been sure how to write things in a way that are true to myself without making other people feel badly... and that's not why I blog... so... I have let things simmer... and they will come out eventually...

In the meantime... know that I have started some blogs, but they have become so scattered, I do not yet want to post them... but there is more to come...

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