More questions than answers...


Roses. Candles. Wine. Fireplace. Music.



What about laughter? Conversations? Kindness? Consideration? Commonground? Fun?

Going to the market after work to buy ingredients to cook at someone else's house...

I saw Sex and the City tonight. I am not going to give you any answers... but I do have some thoughts.

Do we fall in love? Falling makes me think of something that is accidental... often instigated by tripping? makes me think of getting hurt...an injury... of gashing my knee on a rock in my driveway when I was 8...floor burns on the basketball court... humpty dupmty... it just doesn't have a positive connotation... but clmbing... climbing is different.

Maybe I think we should climb into love...Climbing is intentional. Climbing is one step at a time. Somewhat controlled....Climbing has purpose. Climbing is alanogous of success...So... i don't want to fall in love... I want to climb into love... one step at a time... I don't want every step to be a conscious one. I want those moments where I stop climbing and look down and am surprised by how much ground has already been coverd... but... I think love should be a constant climb...

I recommend seeing the movie... not if you want to go to see the characters live happliy ever after with their prince charmings... but to see it as for seeing how much we love our friends...and how much we are loved by our friends. How life changes yet there are constants... in that I found beauty.



Mom was doig better yesterday... and I got my head out of my butt and was able to spend some time with her. She stayed in the hospital again today and it looks like she will come home tomorrow. I hope she does.. and hope it's not too soon.... and hope that she can have a good day and then she and dad can go camping...my fingers are all crossed... It was a tiring weekend...and I was only there for a couple of days... how tired are mom and dad?

I was hard on myself this weekend. This whole thing is hard... and I can't hold it together all the time. And... going off the deep end every once in a while is ok. After all... being so tall...means that things have to be pretty deep before they are over my head... but... I also need to be there and worry about myself later...

Today I was indulgent. I stayed home... watching one of my secret addictions.... Sex and the City... Then I made myself go to the gym and enjoyed it... came home did some unpacking.... some grilling... and then watching more of sex and the city... I need to watch the last season of it to prepare for the movie on Friday... I am SOOOO looking forward to it.... (and apparently before the movie I will enjoy a home-cooked meal...that I don't have to cook! Very nice!) A lot of people may find the show full off too much sex... but the show is about relationships... friendships... and I love it. The four main characters have such diverse personalties, yet connect to one another on so many levels. I see myself and my friends in each of the characters... and know that I have the kinds of friendships that exist in that show...for which I am blessed.

Plus... hours and hours of a show has been a welcomed escape...


potatoes and gravy

I am visiting my parents this weekend... mom is in the hospital and tomorrow will mark a week since she has been there. She is in no hurry to come home, which upsets me... she is not feeling well enough at all to even consider it. It sucks. Dad is beside himself... considering whether or not to give up their camping spot for a little while so others could enjoy it... until they get up there. I don't want them to do that. Mom looks... out of it... dad looks... beaten... My sister and her kids are here too... and I have used them as an excuse to not spend much time at the hospital... I had a hard time today.. seeing mom like she is...dad says it is all the medication she is taking... for pain.. for nausuea... fluids... everything... but the scary thing is, that I know that this too... just like being in and out of the hospital.. will become 'normal'... it will be what we come to expect and that pisses me off. Mom does not want company. She doesn't have the energy to even try to engage in conversation... everything... EVERYthing takes all she's got... in the last week the only solid food she has eaten was her lunch today... a couple of teaspoons of mashed potato... and she fought so hard to get that down... I hope she doesn't want to give up.. but I am not sure I could blame her if she did. We tried to get dad to go womeplace today.. for a break, but he wouldn't. His heart is breaking... and we are watching it happen... this is not fair...


Bad Luck?

A couple of years ago... my sister and I were in a coffee shop and saw this cute sign entitled "STOLEN"... on it, was a picture of a beautiful old fashioned red woman's bike, complete with basket. The sign was decorated nicely and the bike was beautifully described and included contact information for any information about getting the bike back... then...at the end... it simply said.... "BASTARDS."

I kind of feel that way... like something has been stolen... and since I don't know who has done the stealing... all I can say is... bastards.

My mom and dad have had something stolen form them... so have I...and my sister...and my nephews... and it sucks... the question, "why?", comes into mind...

Is it bad luck? Does bad luck exist? Or are we living our destiny? I saw today that Senator Kennedy has a brain tumor... and heard that the tumor is a very aggressive cancer... and the prognosis is poor at best. My first thought was... some other family has the same bad luck mine does right now with my mom... aggressive cancer with... Then I think about the Kennedy family and the tragedies they have experienced and endured. Why them? So much for one family... is it luck? I have gone through a lot in the last recent years... why me? Bad Luck?

The other day I was talking to someone who stopped mid-complaint and looked at me guiltily... then apologized because their complaint was not as justified as my worries are... Perspective... Yes, what my mom is dealing with and facing along with the rest of our family is shitty.. no doubt about it. But we all have things in our lives that stress us out... a lot... that seem unfair... that is unfair... yet we seem to compare our sadness ...whose is worse... is our saddness justified? We try to find reasons for it and sometimes feel guilty for feeling our feelings because maybe someone else is going through something we deem as bigger...or badder...

So how do we get through dark times... we find the silver lining... and stick together... together... sometimes it is hard to be together when feeling so alone...

Mom is back in the hospital. She had been sick again... and is having terrible back pain... today they did a bone scan... to try to find the reason for the pain. The idea of that scared me... wondering if the cancer had gone into her spine... according to the first impressions of the scan.. it is normal... but I see normal as dangerous... I don't trust normal... because normal changes fast... very fast... and what is abnormal... with time... can become normal...

Ugh. I wish I wish I wish... that Mom was cancer free... that she and dad were already camping in their camper along the river... in the shadow of the mountain...I wish... mom and dad could be care free... could be planning a trip to Alaska instead of to the hospital...

Fair. Unfair. Normal. Abnormal... Ups..Downs.. luck? Dumb luck.



Sunday Sunday

Ahh... the weekend is coming to a close. It has been a good weekend... a busy weekend. I got to spend time with friends... some I hadn't seen in a while... and it was nice. I was treated to dinner and a movie last night and had a good time. Today has been filled with domestic chores. I did a little cleaning, went grocery shopping, put a lot of stuff in the freezer, and did some cooking to have food to take to work this week. I just finished watching the Celtics win their playoff series and am doing some laundry... I want to get some more things put away in my office/craft room tonight. We'll see if that happens or not.

I tried to ride my bike this weekend... and I'm not there yet. My quad is not liking it... so I need to go to the gym more and maybe try it again in June. As summer approaches I think about the 10 months that have passed since surgery... and how I am not yet 100%. Part of that is that I have not been as diligent about exercising as maybe I should have... but life has been happening all around me and I have done the best I could... I did walk around a little on Saturday and my knee tolerated it better than I expected... so perhaps a longer jaunt is in my future.

DOn't get me wrong.. there has been progress... and there is no comparison in how much better it feels in the pain department. I really don't have pain anymore, unless i have pushed myself too hard... so... I am satisfied so far... The scars are still there... a couple of weeks ago I showed them to someone at work who is new to the building, after having a conversation about knee pain... and she was mortified..."You AREN'T going to wear shorts this summer, ARE YOU?" How's that for not having a filter between your brain and your mouth? Oh well. I do wear shorts and will continue to do so. I wore shorts to the grocery store today and nobody seemed to be afraid. Oh well... it is what it is.

I have to say that I had a great time cooking today. I used my showtime knives a lot and was not disappointed. I have to admit that I used more knives than I needed to, but... I wanted to use the tools I have. I love to cook... and am excited to have a kitchen I can cook in. Yahoo!

This post feels a bit jumbled... but I wanted to do an update... Hope everyone had a good weekend.


Planets are alinging?

Insert loud exhale sound here... I just wrote a long blog about money.. complaining... and now I want to share some good news....and some great news...

The great news... mom has been doing...dare I say...well... for about a week now. She wants to go camping as early as next week and is packing things for the camper. Yahoo...

the good news... the $20 I attempted to withdraw from the ATM from hell last night... was to ensure I had money to pay for parking and perhaps a beverage or dinner..... in case my DATE didn't cover it...

He did.

And may again this weekend.

Just when you think...

Ok.. I know I shouldn't count on the stimulus check from the government... but I am looking forward to it... was looking forward to it... still am, but not for the reasons I was looking forward to it... confused yet?

$600 from the government would be a very welcomed thing...I was hoping to put it towards an entertainment center I want... and some other things at the new place.. BUT instead... the money, when I get it... will go to a Chevy dealer...

Last night I finally went to schedule the repairs that needed to be done on my truck form when the woman dented it a couple weeks back. On my way to work yesterday my truck dinged at me and a message came up saying I needed to tighten the fuel cap... huh? I kind of ignored that... in a 'let it stew in the back of my mind that it is indicative of a larger issue' way... so.. after work I headed to the garage where my truck will be fixed... and got an appointment to get it worked on next week, Monday. I mentioned the fuel cap thing to the repair guy and he didn't think it was related to the accident and asked if the check engine light had been on... nope.... so no big deal... right? WRONG... I drove out of there and the check engine light came on. Damn! So today I called my regular garage and got them to look at it... some oxygen thing that has to do with emissions...it won't cause me to break down, but it will mean my truck fails inspection... which is conveniently due this month. Rock .... me..... hardplace... so I have to get it done. It will be pricey... the diagnostics, plus the parts, plus labor, plus inspection... will cost me over $500... Money... So... back to the repair on Monday... the garage will need my truck for 4 days to repair it... The rental car place, being paid for by the other lady's insurance co., yay, can pick me up at the garage at 8:15 or so and I could be on my way by 8:45 or so... ummm.. I need to be at work by 7:30.. could probably get my bosses to give me a little extra time.. but they have been so good to me I don't want to have to do that... so... my other option is to get the car tomorrow and pay $15 out of my pocket for some cleverly titled program they have going for the weekend... So I said yes... I need a big vehicle, large car, a truck, or an SUV... well... the insurance company has only approved a midsized car... umm... NOPE... 6'6 barely rides in a midsized car let alone drives it... so I called my insurance agency... for about 8 minutes they kept telling me how happy they are that I am a customer and how important my call is to them and how they will get to me as soon as possible.... I hung up... and called my local agent and told them to deal with it. They did. I get a bigger vehicle... tomorrow... when I drop off my truck to get fixed... Money.

Last night... I stopped at an ATM to get a little cash, $20 , for a reason I may share in another post... or may not share..... I slid my card in and out as it directed me to do.. entered my pin number, punched in that I wanted $20 withdrawn... and I got a receipt saying I withdrew $20... the ATM did not give me any cash. UGH! Calm down, I told myself...there has to be a number to call... nope.. no contact information anywhere on the machine. Today I tried to contact that particular bank, that I went to because I knew I would not have to pay a fee...and it was ridiculous. They are not listed in a phone book... online their contact information consists only of email addresses... so I called information. They gave me a number... I called... a woman at a call center in northern Maine answered. I asked for the direct number to the branch that stole my money... they don't do that. What? They don't do phone calls. I was advised to go to my bank and take it up with them... which would require completing a form and waiting up to 30 days to see if my claim was valid. So I decided to go to the bank in person... surely face to face would work... Stupid optimist.
The manager informed me that I needed to go to my bank.
But it's not my banks error.
The ATM is broken but we are not responsible for it.
so... you know the ATM machine is broken and you can't give me my money?
Well... it MAY be broken... we have had a few complaints today... but it is not our ATM.
But your banks logo is the ONLY writing on the ATM. There is no contact info, nothing.Nothing that says your bank is not responsible for that ATM.
I can't help you.

30 days... what if I had tried to wthdraw more than that? what if I had needed that money for a bill? to have to wait 30 days? in this economy? People can't afford to do that...

GRRRRRRR... For those of you who know me, this will not come as a surprise. I sent a tangential email to the president of the bank, whose email address I did locate on their website. I ranted and raved and accused the bank of "passing the buck" when it came to dealing with this issue. (Yes I patted myself on the back for coming up with that one!) At the conclusion of the email I put the Maine area code in parenthesis, as if I was going to leave my number, but then added... something like, oh yeah, it would be foolish for me to give a phone number to a company without phones... I also told him that I felt I was owed some kind of "transaction fee" for all this because they charge transaction fees and other fees for everything... I should get reimbursed for gas that I had to use to get to that phoneless bank...(apparently the phone in the manager's office was just a prop.)

Rental Car fee for the weekend... $15... ATM fiasco.$20 + 30 days... Truck repair.. too much... gas... arm, leg, & first born... How do we get ahead?


Older.... maybe wiser?

Since my last post... I have aged. I celebrated my birthday...33... and I was happy that there wasn't a big deal made out of it... Sara and I hung out at one of our favorite places and laughed... a lot. I needed that. My birthday is also my mother's birthday. Our tradition is to meet halfway and have a meal together. This year, obviously she is not feeling up to driving that far... so I went up there for the weekend. It was a great visit. Mom was doing well. Her energy level is better and she is planning ahead... yay.

My apartment is coming along and it felt so nice to come home... to my new place. My knee is feeling better... I think the move took its toll, but it is coming along again. I am going to try to get back to the gym this week.

Thanks to all who sent birthday wishes! I have yet to blow out any birthday candles... but sure do have some big wishes!


A first...

Living on my own... there are a few things I ALWAYS have... always... my cell phone... my wallet... and my keys.

My plan for the day was to go to work, have a pretty intense meeting at the end of the day, then help my friend and neighbor, Sheila, pick up some patio furniture at a store, come home and have dinner, then head to school to prepare for two intense meetings I have tomorrow. All was going well... Tonight I left my apartment to drive to school to finish some paperwork...as I approached my truck I reached into my pocket for my keys... I knew they were there because I had felt them before leaving my apartment to make sure... and pulled out... my school keys! NOOOOOO! Are you kidding me? Never have I done that...at any apartment I have rented... so I walked all around my building strategizing on how I could get in... nothing worked... so I gave in and called my landlord...and left a message... on her cell.... AND at her house.... no answer... so I sat outside... my friend Sheila and her husband walked by with their four dogs and wondered why I was perched on the stairs... they kept walking and I started scheming. I thought about getting into the mudroom... the window is kind of far off the ground... and the screen was pretty secure. I found a paperclip size thing and was able to safely remove the screen with no damage... then I moved a chair under the window, opened the window...and... well... got my BFA (Big Fat Ass) through the window and into another chair I have in the mudroom. I am sure it was funny to watch... not easy.. but I got in... and got to my keys... phew. NUTS... now I am way behind... I still have paperwork to do for my second meeting tomorrow.. but it will get done...

So... apparently I am acrobatic... HA!!! I am lucky that I didn't hurt myself. I told my dad about it and am pretty sure he is still laughing. Crazy!

PS The party was good... I forgot to take pictures. The apartment is coming along. Today I found curtains for my living room and bedroom... which helped me to decide which decorations will go where.


Not Unpacked... But having a party anyway!

Ok... so maybe party isn't the right word... I am having some gal pals over for a girls night... for some food and spirits! I am excited. I love having people over. I haven't done it in a while because my other house wasn't.. well... I got to a point where it was hard to make it look good and I didn't like having people over... so... now I have new digs... so that means entertaining. Granted there are boxes to avoid, and decorations are not up... BUT... that is no excuse to not hang with some friends and have some laughs. I spent the day getting ready.. making some food and I think it will come out well. I made a bean salad thingy... that is good.. though as I typw that I think of my aunt who, like me, is a huge texture person when it comes to her food... she would HATE it because it is a few different kind of beans, which she finds "fuzzy," some celery, some corn, and a dressing that is oil, sugar, and cider vinegar. It is very good. I also marinated and cooked some chicken, let it chill and sliced it up to put into a ceasar salad... yummy... and I bought a cake for dessert... Other people are bringing food too, but I am not sure what will arrive, so I have my bases covered - appetizer, meal, and dessert... That would probably be enough on its own, but it's fun to see what people bring.

I will take pictures... and may or may not post them. It depends on how much time is spent with the Captain! I haven't hung out with him in a while...

OH... BREAKING NEWS... I got my faucet fixed so that I can use my dishwasher!!! Oh yeah baby! I may be more excited about that than having friends over.... nah... the friends are better... but the dishwarsher is pretty good!

Enjoy your evenings!

My Favorite Place

My Favorite Place