The NAKED truth...

I went to the gym today...my girl Sara joined me... YAY... Sara is a person who...no matter how long she has been away from the gym...looks like she has been there every day for years... she is athletic...I would go as far to say she is very thin...sometimes too thin... We met up in the locker room and were getting ready to go out into the gym and she quietly asked me if her pants were ok... or if she should wear shorts.... Her pants looked great...her shorts would have looked great... I was in shorts and a t-shirt...sporting my crutch, with my scars out in the open...as far as weight goes, Sara and I are on opposite ends of the spectrum... yet she worries about her appearance...as much as I do...so as we went out into the gym I was thinking about that and looking around...my gym has a motto... it is a "judgement free zone."... so as I looked around, I tried not to judge people, but wondered... about each person's body image. In front of me there was a man working out on this machine that I consider a cross between an elliptical machine and a stairmaster... I looked at his body... strictly for research of course ;-).. and found him to be fit...muscular...definitely in shape. He was one of those clean cut guys...short hair, probably was one of the jocks in high school....(oops...is that a judgement?)... and he looked good... very attractive...back to research.... before he leaves the locker room does he look in the mirror wondering if his shorts make his butt look big? (They surely did not!) Ok... onto other people working out... the other people who were close to me were mostly women...and their gym attire varied greatly. One woman was wearing a tank top with spaghetti straps along with yoga pants... she was a fairly petite woman in her torso/shoulders...and calves...but she did have a little junk in the trunk and thighs... not fat by any means, but out of proportion to the rest of her body... she could buy clothing at any store, but how does she feel before she enters the gym? Later I saw her doing exercises to target that area of her body... Another woman, average size maybe a few extra pounds, was wearing yoga pants, a t-shirt and a long sweatshirt that came down over her butt...is she hiding her body? from whom? from the gym members or from herself? Then there was this other woman... who for some reason looked like her name would have been Mary...she was middle aged..I have seen her there before... average sized, in decent shape...a couple of small rolls around her waist, but not overweight... and she doesn't seem to have any inhibitions. Is that possible? She is one of those ladies who gets NAKED in the locker room... doesn't even try to be modest...one minute she is wearing her dress from work and the next minute..standing naked...she changes into her workout clothes...which of the entire two times I have seen her there, she has worn the same thing... a leotard...with biking shorts underneath it... I didn't know they even made leotards still...thought those went out in the 80's... but she wears it...gets dark sweat spots all over it... then back to the locker room...naked...back in her work clothes..and leaves... WOW... not sure if I admire that, or if I want to say...yo Lady... put some clothes on... When I change to work out, I don't mind changing from pants to shorts or changing my shirt...but I wouldn't have both my pants and shirt off at the same time... however I now...and have for some time...change in one of the changing rooms because the gym I go to also happens to be popular with many former students, kids I coach, and their parents...don't think I want to have someone see my granny panties at the gym and then see them at the meet on the weekend talking to them about how their kid is doing in the 200m.....some of the men at the gym were interesting to watch too, though not as "researchable" as the first man I mentioned... but men at the gym were dressed differently...almost by what they were doing.. the guys who were spending most of their time lifting weights were wearing loose shorts and tight tank tops...the guys on the cardio equipment were wearing t shirts and gym shorts...some wearing bike shorts...a few men were wearing work out pants... which surprised me...but then I know that some men are self conscious about their legs... call a man chicken legs once...and they will forever be self conscious...so... are there women... are there men... who are 100% secure with their bodies? I don't know...

I got a lot of looks at the gym today... some smiling...some just looking...I think next week I will try to go crutchless to the gym and see what happens, but I will take it through the weekend. I upped my workout today... increased the treadmill to 8 minutes, the bike to 15 minutes, abs to a total of 40 crunches... and arms... 2 sets of 11...(one set of 12 then one set of 10...) then 2 sets of ten squats using the big bouncy ball thingys behind my back... Sara ran on the treadmill while I walked and did the bike. Then... I once again tried the elliptical machine... and lasted again, for about three minutes... let me tell you... the day I get up to ten minutes on that thing... I am going to.... well..... NOT run naked through the gym... but I will do something to celebrate. Once again, it did not recognize my movement on it as a workout... but I think I did do better than last time. So slowly I am increasing my workouts... and it feels good. It also feels good knowing that I got Sara to the gym today. She is so supportive of me and she thanked me tonight, for encouraging her to go to the gym... I told her that I was happy to motivate her...but that there will be a time that I will get frustrated or tired of this and will need her to light a fire under my butt. I want to keep reminding myself of how much I missed working out... and how lucky I am to be able to do it...even if it is small...no MORE excuses.... It's not easy... I soooo want chocolate... Sara and I went to dinner after working out...we both ate healthy... but I wanted something sweet to finish off the evening. I haven't done it yet... but may have some fruit to see if that cuts the craving.

Someone told me that the word determination sums up my blog...that's quite a compliment...and a lot to live up to at the same time...I am determined... to be well...to be healthy...to get my life back.... I think that's what it really comes down to...My knee has controlled so much of my life...what I could do, what I felt like doing...even social interaction was exhausting...so now I feel like I have control...and I like knowing that...it's freeing in a way... and I like the freedom... determination...determined to live...

I have PT again tomorrow...ahhhhhhhh... but it MUST be close to the end of that. I feel like soon I would be able to do what I need to do at the gym. I just need to make sure I do it... so I don't regress. I want to try to make appointments with myself at the gym...just like I have made with PT... and go... no matter what. Maybe I will ask tomorrow at PT about ways to easily get up and down from the floor. I would like to be able to do more ab stuff at the gym, but don't think I could get by behind off the floor at this point. And... that is not something I want to try for the first time at the gym.

I am tired tonight and hope to sleep well. My quality of sleep has been good, but falling asleep has been hard this week... partly I think because I have been thinking about work a lot...trying to make division exciting for kids. Anyway... I suppose that's all for tonight. Until tomorrow Blog buddies..... Cheers... TO Good Health!

P.S. Just got an email from my aunt...asking if I was feeling better... I forgot to let you all know that I am feeling better today... but that was weird...glad it has gone away! [no signs of amoebas in my brain!!!]