GUESS WHAT??? I did IT...

It took a lot... but I did it...

I have been thinking about it for some time... it intimidated me...this morning I was watching something I had recorded from television and just really thought about making today the day. I went back and forth talking myself into it, then rationalizing why I shouldn't do it.... ahhhhhh.... I wanted to....but I didn't.... if I did...would it be a good thing... would it be a bad thing....would it mean that i would then have to do it again...and soon??... what would people think? ... a girl with a crutch is doing THAT??...would I be judged???

So... I decided to do it...but before I did I had to figure out a plan for how I would deal with feeling intimidated...so I formulated a plan... and went for it...

I WENT TO THE GYM....and WORKED OUT!!!
I woke up this morning feeling pretty sore from yesterday's physical therapy. I was cursing my physical therapist and swearing that my day was going to be spent on my couch watching all the shows I had recorded last week and had yet to watch. But here's the thing... last night I went back in this blog...and read all of the July entries...I cried...which surprised me...reliving all of it...and now having it behind me... the surgery part and the roughest part of recovery moved me...it was a good reminder of how far I have come...from not being able to get both legs into the shower to walking on a treadmill....and I also think I let myself feel some of the fear and anxiety I had kind of suppressed at the time.... anyway...get to the point... one of the entries mentioned something my roommate's doctor had said to her...that the best way to alleviate pain was to move...so this morning that was going through my head...as my head was resting on a pillow on my couch as I watched The View...Ghost Hunters....and The Biggest Loser.... I watched the people working out and they went to a gym... one of the women mentioned being the fat girl at the gym... and I understood that. So...I have been trying to psych myself up to return to the gym...I have maintained a membership that I have not used because I wanted so badly to be using it...so I thought to myself, trying to give myself reasons NOT to go....maybe my membership is inactive...even though I have been paying for it..maybe there is some process I have to go through to go back... so I called and asked if I could work out today, given the time that has lapsed since last being there...a pause.... guiltily I wanted her to say...well you will need to fill out some paperwork... not that filling out paperwork would take a long time, but...it would have been enough of a deterrent... but her voice came on and said, yeah, you are all set.................... thanks, I said...hung up the phone... and thought......hmmmmmmmmmm..... no excuses..... no MORE excuses at least... So... I looked at my scar... and knew I wanted to go... but could I go?? Could I face those machines? Could I face the other people who will definitely be in better shape than I am? Could I face the workers who may remember me from before??? Could I face the possibility of getting there and NOT being able to do it...and having to leave??? Could I face people staring at me?? It's strange...as a very tall woman I get stared at...all the time...and I don't let that bother me...but for some reason going to the gym... taking a crutch in with me... made me self conscious...so... I figured I needed some kind of plan... I put on a pair of shorts, a tshirt, and my sneakers...I figured that if I could at least walk inside the gym... and that would be an accomplishment. But then what??? I did not want to just freeze up... so... unnecessarily I packed a bag to take with me to the gym...so that after I checked in I would have a direction...the locker room...what did I put in the bag? Just a cd player...which I could have carried without needing a bag...As it happened Pele called me as I was getting into my truck to go to the gym... perfect timing. He voiced his confidence in me and reminded me that I did not have anything to prove...and that I needed to see it as a warm up work out... so I got to the gym... parked in the handicapped spot...because I do have the sticker... and it insured a quick getaway should I decide I needed that...but it was a bit of an oxymoron...parking in a handicap spot to work out at the gym.... I was NERVOUS... I felt sick to my stomach... that kind of sick to your stomach where you know you are really really nervous or you gotta...well... poop.....so I sat in my truck for a minute before I got out...just looking at it. Not too late to just leave... this was a good step...remembering the way to the gym....but I opened my truck door and got out....no turning back now...I got my crutch and started for the door.

I was relieved when I walked in that there were few people working out...I immediately felt less under the microscope. I checked in and the people at the front desk didn't bat an eye... no big deal to them... so then... I headed.... for the locker room...which I gotta say, was a good part of my plan. I put my bag in a locker, locked it, and got my cd player ready. This was my workout:
12 minutes- bike
5 minutes - treadmill (would have done longer, but wanted to try the next part...)
3 minutes - elliptical machine...I LOVE this machine, but it was HARD for me today... I couldn't even go fast enough for the computer on it to recognize it as someone working out... it thought it was being paused...that was encouraging...not....but I was happy I tried it... I will try it again...
Then I went upstairs...one step at a time... and planned on doing some arm stuff...but I saw one of those exercise balls... the one I used to use at this gym... and decided I was going to see if I could sit on that... and get back up... so I moved it to a corner...in a place where I thought I would be able to pull myself up if my legs were not strong enough to get up... and I could... so I did 25 crunches while on the exercise ball...then I did do some arm exercises...only one set of 10... of an exercise that combines curls, and a couple other exercises that I can't remember the name of... but I only did ten... Then I went back down stairs... one at a time... and walked to the desk to ask a question... one that I had wondered about but was a little embarrassed to ask.... could you please tell me the last day I was here to work out...prior to today? August 15, 2006......more than a year...not as long as I had thought...but still pretty bad...and at that point I know that I was not going regularly and was not doing much because of the pain and swelling...

Did people look at me funny? Yeah... why? well.. I am sure there are many reasons... the crutch... the height... the bodacious behind...I don't know... but I am happy I went. and I will go again...probably not tomorrow, because I want to assess how I feel after this....but I hope to go on Monday. and maybe try to go on the days I don't have PT...at least to do my arm stuff and just to get more and more comfortable with going, and more and more used to a routine of doing something for exercise every day...

I also did something else today... inspired by the Biggest Loser... I took pictures of myself in a pair of shorts and a sports bra... NOT pretty my friends...and you do NOT get to see them... but I have them... and have decided to try to do that at least once a month....just for my benefit... to see the changes that will happen in my body... now those pictures would surely require viewer discretion!!!