Useless

Today was a hard day. I woke up and just felt like a giant paperweight. My legs felt achy today and did not want to cooperate with what my brain was telling them to do. My right leg was tired and sore and my right heel has been sore all day...I truly wanted to stay in bed all day. Physical therapy called this morning and said they would be here between 12 and 12:30 to work with me unless I had a conflict. My conflict was that I was feeling useless and wanted to spend the day that way. Mom and dad left me home alone for a while this morning to run some errands. I used that time to sleep and to consider calling physical therapy and cancelling, but I knew I shouldn't... knew that the PT is good for me. Mom and Dad got home around 11:00 and I was still in bed. Mom got her "momma knows best" attitude going and got my ass out of bed. I wasn't happy about it. I hate to admit she was right, but I did feel better after sitting up for a while.

PT got here about 12:15, someone different than yesterday. She was cool. She says that I am a patient of interest because of this rare condition and that many people are monitoring things. They have never worked with a patient who has two huge incisions...by which they seem fascinated. The good news about that is they are unsure what to expect...which means that they are going to be caustiously pushing me to improve. I do want to improve and I am motivated, but today I felt like nothing was going to help...even though I saw improvements today... I lifted my left leg off the bed without assistance and could not do that yesterday. Granted there was only enough room between my foot and the bed for the therapist's fingers, but it was progress. Although I tried them again tonight, just now, and couldn't do it.

The PT told me to day that things will ebb and flow and that there may not be any good explanation for it. It depends how my body is healing. I told her that I felt useless today and wondered if I had overdone yesterday. She said it was possible that my body was making me take it easy today.

I need to be patient with myself. I know...it will come... things are improving...and I can't expect to be back to walking normally.... because I wasn't even walking normally before surgery. My left leg has a hard time getting into a straight position. Prior to surgery I favored that leg so much that I rarely had it straight...it was less painful to have it somewhat bent. So...not only am I retraining the muscles because of surgery, I am trying to regain movement I had lost before going under the knife. Patience...patience...patience.....

I was wiped out this afternoon and took a nap...it is so humid I am surprised that I did sleep. I am tired tonight too and think I will sleep well. I have been waking up a lot, trying to position myself in a way that is comfortable that doesn't cause pressure on the incisions. Ideally I should be sleeping on my back with my leg straight... I can't... I am a side or stomach sleeper...so I am making due. The nurses and PTs that have come to my house agree that above all else, I need to sleep well and rest...I guess I did that today, even though it makes me feel as helpful as the letter z when spelling the word dog...

Maybe tomorrow I will feel less useless...