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I don't feel great today... I want to get into bed and pull the covers over my head. I'm not sure why... It is a beautiful day outside and I should be enjoying it. I'm not. Partly, I think because I have a headache...one that started last night and won't go away. I would love to take some Aleve for it, but I can't... following the dr's rules...I suppose I could take one of the pain pills I have that are for my knee, but don't want to do that.

I had a great night last night... hanging out with Sara, Phil, Matt, Melissa, and Tobes... it was awesome. We sat outside until about 10:30, then finally decided maybe we should eat dinner. It was nice sitting around and chatting.

My friend Craig called me yesterday to wish me well with the surgery... He is hiking this weekend and didn't think he would reach me before I leave for Boston. I am not sure if I mentioned him on here before, but if not, I should have. He's a good guy. We met about 7 years ago...maybe 8 when my best friend from high school married his best friend from high school.

Today when I left my friends Melissa gave me a big hug and said good luck...we'll be thinking of you. I almost cried... I feel so lame... I know this surgery is...on the spectrum of major surgeries... not huge...it's not life or death... but I am scared... for the first time in...well... as long as I can remember... I feel like I am losing part of myself... my independence. I have been on my own for a long time... living solo and not leaning on people much... my friends have tried to help me learn to lean on people, and I have learned to do that...some... but it is still hard for me. And now... I won't have a choice. I have been working on my mantra for when people offer to help.... I will say, yes, thank you, I would welcome that.... which of course I do...but I would rather do it myself. I like to take care of people. I like to be the one doing things to help out... and this whole tables being turned thing is hard... I got a handicap "plackard" from the DMV... two actually... 0ne for my vehicle and one to carry with me if I ride with someone else... nice that they try to make it more convenient that way... I know I will appreciate having it, and will need it when I go to some places, but it's weird.

I know this is what I need to do.... I know that there really is no other option.... I know people want to help me...not because they feel obligated, but because they care about me... but it makes me feel bad in a way. Stupid? Maybe... but it sucks... I am not going to be able to drive myself to the store...how the hell am I going to carry food from my kitchen to a place where I can eat it? Maybe I need to put something in the kitchen and eat in there... I won't be able to do laundry because it is in the basement...I won't be able to just walk around town and enjoy it.

Silver lining...silver lining... the doc says the prognosis is good...that in six months I should be able to do whatever activity I want to do... this has shown me how much and how many people care about me...love me... I want to be worthy of that.

Yuck...yuck...yuck... I want this to be over...to be on the other side of this...to be recovering from this disease/condition instead of suffering from it. My knee hurts a lot today...and yesterday it did too... I think from standing so long Friday at the concert...Every movement hurts today... As I sit here on my couch... my knee is up... and it throbs...today it seems to be the upper outside of my kneecap where the pain is most acute. My right knee has been hurting a lot this weekend too... I hope that as my left knee improves, my right one will feel some relief as well... it has hurt...I hope from picking up the slack from the left one... but I can't just sit around... I have things that need to get done before Boston...so... instead of writing more feelings of self pity I will sign off and start to get some things accomplished so that today isn't a total waste...