Vigil

Yesterday I woke up and knew I needed to head north...so I got ready and started driving...wondering if I would be strong enough to face what was ahead...As I was driving I passed my friend Kris on the highway...that was kind of a cool thing...so we chatted by cell phones for a few minutes...I drove north...and when I approached the exit for my hometown... I wanted to drive by it. I met my parents at the hospital...and there were a lot of tears. I stayed for a little while and then needed to escape for a while...and so I went to the store to buy some ingredients to make chili...so mom and dad can have some food here that is just ready to be heated up... then I returned to the hospital.

My gram...is still alive...her IV came out yesterday...because her body is not longer able to hold an iv in its veins...Gramie did not acknowledge me....which is ok... I leaned over her...told her that my sister and I love her, that I think she has been so brave...and that she doesn't have to fight anymore...that we will all be ok. Hard? Yes.... Am I glad I came....well yes... perhaps not for the reasons one might assume...I do feel that my good bye to gramie when she was in the hospital after her surgery a few weeks ago...I feel like I had done well by her at that point. I am glad I am here because Gram does seem more peaceful now than she did in the other hospital...she is not gasping for breaths...she is not complaining of discomfort, and she does not look panicked...she looks peaceful...finally...but the reason I am most glad I am here is for my mom and dad. So much of this all falls on mom...though it shouldn't have to...it does. Thank God mom and dad have the friends they do...it has been comforting to mom. Mom knows she has done all she can for her mother... yet there is some guilt because she just wants Gramie to go...and she feels she shouldn't try to rush her...but...she doesn't want Gram to 'live' like this anymore... but I know that mom is wondering if she is being selfish to want that...so that it is 'easier' on her...no more hospital vigils..etc... but my mom is not being selfish...at all. She is brave...today she did not want to go to the hospital and watch her mother die... but she is on her way up there right now...I am going to shower and go up too....but wanted to give mom some time there with her mom...and with dad...not that I am intruding... I know that...but there is something to be said for those private intimate moments...

My dad is an amazing man... I know why he and mom are such a good couple... they are both amazing. dad loves mom...and gramie so much...he is so strong for us all..and he will not leave mom alone at the hospital...so that mom isn't alone when Gramie dies... Mom encouraged him to go home for a while yeterday and there was absolutely no way he was going to leave without her. That's beautiful.

I watched my mom...stroke her mom's face and hair, and tell her everyone was ok... that we all love her...and to not be scared.... also beautiful...in a tragic way...

I don't want to have to face the death of one of my parents...ever...but when that time comes... I hope I have a fraction of the strength my mom and dad have shown...

I am not sure how long I am staying here...I feel like in some ways being here helps pass the time a little for mom and dad...and even if all I can do to help is bring mom her M&M's...then I will... but like my mom says...life goes on..and she knows I have a job to get back to... It's times like this that make me wish my hometown was closer to my current hometown...

Mom... You are brave... you are beautiful...you have given your mother so much love, respect, and have allowed her to keep as much dignity as possible throughout this. You have much to be proud of...in yourself. YOU have done the right thing...I love you.