holding pattern...

I don't know what I should do...stay here...or head north to be with my family...Gram's kidney's are shutting down...they are going to stop IV fluids today...and they are keeping Gram comfortable. She is lucid at times and is sleeping comfortably. That makes me feel good because before, she was not sleeping soundly, she was gasping almost, and fought to prevent herself from sleeping. She's afraid to die...she told mom that yesterday. There are a lot of people there right now...supporting my parents...their friends Donna and Kenny are amazing...and I am thankful for their friendship to my parents. If I go, is that being selfish...because I wouldn't have to be alone...if I stay put...am I being selfish? I am not sure I can handle saying good-bye to my grandmother again. I had planned on heading up there next weekend to visit...but I am scared to see her like she was before...or worse than before. Am I strong enough for that? Am I strong enough to live with myself if I don't go? I don't know... If I go...Maybe I could help by cooking some meals...maybe make a chili...something that could be warmed up. If I go...will my knee regress like it did before when I was at the hospital a few weeks ago? Should that be a factor? Am I letting that be an excuse? I don't know... I don't know....If I go up.... is there a place for me to sleep even... a place that will be at a height that is high enough for me to get up from...given my knee...My aunt and her family are staying in my gram's apt. so I would not want to stay in there. I would want to stay in my parents' part of the house. is that do-able?

What is Gramie experiencing? Is she in pain? The medical personnell say no...that she is comfortable....she's complained of her hands and feet being cold....which they have told mom is often a sign that nature is taking its course....nature....taking its course.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.