Trust

Tonight I met some friends for dinner. For some reason as I was driving I was thinking about my knee and about how trust has played a role in this whole journey. When I look at my knee I am still unsure of what to think of the scars....I know they are there because it was necessary to do the surgery and to hopefully eradicate the PVNS tissue....Tonight as I was driving I was rubbing the front incision, part of my physical therapy routine...and thought about how little time I spent with the doctor who operated on me. Prior to having the surgery I met with him for maybe 30 minutes at my initial appointment with him. Then I saw him on the day of the surgery for maybe three minutes before the drugs kicked in and I was sleeping. But...I trusted him completely. Why? Because I wanted to...A...and B...I really had no other choice. So far, that choice has paid off...thankfully. Generally, in my life, trust is something that is difficult for me. The people with whim I feel closest are my family....related by blood or not...It takes a lot of time for me to feel that I can trust people...maybe because it takes a long time for me to trust myself, trust in my decisions and judgements. I analyze everything and by the time I reach a decision I have plaed things over in my head so much that I am certain of my decision, but doubt it too... there have been a few people in my life to whom I gave my trust to quickly. I can't explain why those people gained my trust quickly, when I tested others. Why are there people in our lives who we are supposed to automatically trust who challenge that trust? Maybe its not the trust that I question...maybe it is the connection. I know who the people are who are truly there for me...and this whole experience has reinforced that... I think that part of my reason for thinking about trust was because I talked to my mom this morning and she was questioning herself. Questioning whether or not she had done right by my grandmother. Apparently the nursing home that had a room available for my grandmother and that could provide the level of care she needs, is not what my mom had envisioned for her mother. While mom did not describe the room to me, the picture I have in my head is of a place that is more run down than it should be, given the important role it will play, does play, in the lives of its patients. Mom said she felt that she had abandoned Gramie last night, leaving her in a place that wasn't a great place. Mom said it wasn't a place she would want to be. Even if mom doesn't completely trust herself right now, I trust her. I trust that her love for my grandmother is driving her decisions. My grandmother's current condition is one in which she needs care, 24/7. While my mom would do anything she could to take care of my grandmother, of my dad, of me, my sister, her grandkids....the care that Gram needs is beyond what is possible. The only way mom could do it is if she went to nursing school and stayed at Gramie's bedside 24 hours a day. It isn't possible. Mom, you are doing what you need to do, including supporting Gramie as she gets stronger at the facility where she is. We trust that you have made the best decision, Mom....I love you.

I am trusting that my knee is going to get well, that the PVNS isn't going to come back...that this is the beginning of me being healthy again.....In what am I placing that trust??? Good question....