Cold Day at the Beach

It was sunny out this morning and I decided to go to the beach... I had planned on going to the same beach I usually go to, but as I was driving there I decided to keep driving to see where I ended up. I ended up at a different beach, further south... and by the time I got there the sun was gone and the wind was blowing pretty strongly. But I needed to feel the sand beneath my feet and smell the salty air. This beach has more rocks than the beacu I usually go to. To access this
beach I had to go down some stairs... The pictures of the icicles was taken at a place where the snow had been plowed onto the rocks from a higher point. The ocean was dancing today... to a very fast beat. The water was a beautiful color and the white caps of the waves added to its beauty. I was not the only beach goer out today... there were a few others on the beach... and a few people who went to the beach and stayed in their cars. If you look closely at my scarf, you can see that the yarn on my scarf is really blowing... it was hard to keep my eyes open when I was facing the wind.

It was nice to go for a drive and to not have a specific plan or schedule to follow. As I was driving I thought about the independence I have to do something like that. It's nice. I am sure that I could have found someone to accompany me, but I enjoyed the time alone, with no distractions. Of course my mind is always moving... but it was still nice. I thought a lot today about someone I care about... and how much this person loves the beach... I think that part of me went to that beach to somehow maybe feel connected to that person... the connection is still there, but not as it used to be.. it is harder... somehow... In most situations in my life I feel like I know how to handle things...handle myself... I don't feel that have any control of this connection... control seems like the wrong word here... because I don't want to control people in my life... but I think we do have control over some pieces of the relationships we have. I sometimes feel like the relationship is delicate...and that I wait sometimes...wait by responding to instead of initiating contact... and it is the only relationship I do that in... I question myself.. and wonder why I am different in this relationship than others in my life. Fear. Maybe. I go back to the book "Conversations with God" and remember that our actions stem from either love or fear... not initiating communication does not seem like I am acting out of love... so... I must consider fear. Fear. What is there to fear? I fear losing more of the relationship than I have already lost. Fear that fighting for a stronger relationship would push this person further away. I want to be supportive of this person, but the ways in which I feel I have to be supportive are counter-intuitive to me. Giving space... treading lighty while trying not to tread lightly because I have been asked not to...yet have to or fear repercussions... and... putting this here... will that do more harm?

My biggest fear... is that this person's life is complete... without me.

My blog apparently has some way of giving me courage... perhaps false courage... because I knew this was on my mind and knew it would come through on this blog... so I reached out... and shared my feelings with this person... and have to admit... it makes my stomach a little nervous...

Change the subject..... I did not go to the gym today... tomorrow I will be coaching so I won't go tomorrow either. Not good.