How do we measure?

Today I visited my friend, Holly, in the hospital. She had her second child yesterday, a baby boy. He is beautiful. While I was there I got to see her five year old daughter and Holly's husband. A very beautiful family.

When I got home I checked my email... and heard from one of my good friends, Debbie. She and her husband are settling into their new home...and celebrating their son's fourth birthday this weekend...

My friend Jill, her husband, and two kids just moved into their new house in California....

Me? I am single... renting an apartment...with four cats.

So how do we measure our lives? By our relationship status? How many kids we have... or don't have? Whether or not we are homeowners? How active we are? How many miles we can run?

The song "Seasons of love," from RENT says:

"525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure,
measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In
inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you
measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of
love."

I like the idea of measuring life in sunsets... or in daylights...and yes, measuring life in love. As I held that newborn baby tonight, I found myself wondering if I will have a baby someday. I used to wonder when...when I would meet the man I will marry...when I will have children... and tonight I wondered IF... I really feel like I would be a good mother... a great mother actually... and it saddens me to think that I may not be a mother one day.

But... when I look back at all that has happened in the last few years... where would a baby have fit in? or a husband even? Physically things have been difficult...though they are looking up... mentally... things were...perhaps more difficult than physically. And I wonder...about that whole in sickness and in health vow... I am sure that a man would have tried to be supportive through all of this... but would I have let him be? Would I have pushed him away? I hope not... because I am sure that this is not the only difficult period in my life... and by now I should know that it is okay to lean on people... but the pure exhaustion from the pain, worrying, fear...and desperation.. would that have damaged a relationship, had there been one?

Overthinking, overthinking... yes.. I realize that. but I guess that's what holding a newborn baby does to me. The last time I held a baby I ended up getting two new cats... so I guess overthinking is not so bad.

My sunsets are more vibrant and colorful than they have been in a long time. And I am believing that each day will bring sunlight... I feel different... than I have in a while. While I do hope to share my life with someone....not just moments of it... I know that it's not the end all be all. When I measure my life... it's full... with love, happiness...and some moments of lonliness...but those moments make the non lonely ones that much better...

When measuring our lives we gotta take the good and the not so good...right? For now... I am measuring my life in how I treat myself... which includes how I let others treat me... I will treat myself with love.... and see how far it takes me...

Got a note today from another woman with PVNS. She will be having surgery in March... said she is having a posterior synovectomy... so I am wondering if that means just the back incision... It is so nice to hear from people who have PVNS...not because there are other people suffering with it... but there are people who are LIVING with PVNS... and we are connecting... I hope to hear more from her.