One step forward two steps back...

I ended up staying home from work yesterday... I feel guilty about it, but... I had a hard night Thursday night... Maybe it was from watching Grey's Anatomy... where one of the characters has cancer ... or maybe it was from another show, or maybe because I had talked with dad earlier in the day and he sounded so sad.... but... whatever the reason, Thursday night was filled with tears, lots of tears... and even medication designed to help me sleep didn't help. So at 4 a.m. I was awake, but did fall asleep in time for my alarm to go off... so I called out... and spent the morning in bed... and all the crying exacerbated my asthma (by the way exacerbate is one of my favorite words!) so I realized that I had forgotten to take my morning, steroid inhaler, which if you miss a dose you are supposed to skip it... so I skipped it but by afternoon I was wheezy so decided to take my other inhaler...the one that is used for more acute symptoms... and it was empty... so I had to refill it... and pick it up...

I hadn't heard from dad yesterday either, so I called him last night and he sounded stuffy... and when I asked him about if he was getting a cold, he said that he didn't have a cold, he had just had a really hard day...I so wish I could make this process easier for him and for me... but I know I can't... we each have to go through whatever it is we need to go through... I did some reading online last night about the loss of a spouse... and there are some good articles... i have yet to share them with dad because I want to make sure that he doesn't think that there are ways to fix this grieving thing... I want him to feel what he needs to feel and not think I am trying to fix it for him... but at some point, maybe I will tell him to google some things...

He is mulling things over... a lot of things.. I think he is reliving a lot of things... and I have done that as well. One thing that he has been thinking about is a comment that was put on one of the websites containing mom's obituary... the comment was made by someone who had served as the minister of my parents church for several years and recently retired... there has been some drama, some political garbage going on in regard to his retirement... and he had the nerve to post something on mom's obituary that was political... we saw it, and fortunately before many people read it, we were able to have it removed from the site... but it was very hurtful to my father...and to those who loved mom... how dare he use an obituary, especially mom's, to further his political battles.... anyway... when this comment had been posted I wanted to call this man... but my sister and father talked me out of it. I did however send him an email... I couldn't NOT send him an email... I even contemplated going to his house... but didn't... dad ran into this man at the store the other day... and decided to not say anything to him... however, since that meeting, dad has regretted not saying something to him... and I think he feels that he didn't stand up for mom... so he had tried to email him... and the email kept returning due to an incorrect address... so I sent him the email address I had used and I hope he sends a message...

I hate hate hate... that I can't make this better... it just sucks... Dad will be busy today, he is cooking beans for the church's bean supper... and will be around a lot of people tonight which is good, but it will be hard for him too,because all of those people knew mom really well too...

I went to the gym this morning... met up with a friend there.. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical which resulted in 2.5 miles... which is about 12 minute miles... I am happy with that... my asthma behaved too, so that's good... I am home now, contemplating a bike ride, and then later will be heading to visit Meg for the night... we are going to grill, drink, and play canasta... I hope I kick her ass or else I will NEVER hear the end of it!