What 'got me'

As far as funerals go... I am pretty inexperienced... which makes me fairly fortunate I suppose...When my maternal grandfather died I was nine and chose not to go... in 7th grade I made the same choice when my great grandmother died...in high school a classmate lost his mother and I went to the funeral home during visiting hours, but not the service... I think that the first funeral I attended was for the man who had been my varsity basketball coach, that was in Feb. of 1997... when I was 21... it was not easy... I remember the part of that funeral that 'got me' was seeing my coach's son who was probably 4 years old at the time...and seeing how unaware he was of what was happening...the funeral for my paternal grandfather was hard... very hard... he died in January 1999... and so many things about that service still resonate with me...still 'get me'.... we did not have a funeral service for my mom's mother or my mom... which were the right choices for our family in both cases...

Today I attended the funeral for the mother of my friend, Meg. I had a lot of anxiety about the day... very worried that I would be too emotional to be any source of comfort for my friend... We both got weepy when we saw each other....but recovered fairly quickly... I had met her siblings a few times before so it was nice to have some familiarity with them... I also knew several people in attendance from the school where Meg works because I had met Meg working there myself years ago... at the end of the visiting hours we prepared to head to the church for the funeral.... I was in my vehicle awaiting the start of the processional... and as I sat in my truck...I watched my friend, her siblings, and a few others, wheeling the casket from the funeral home to the hearse... seeing my friend... assisting in that process... was so hard... SOOOOOOOOO hard... seeing her holding the casket, helping to lift the casket into the hearse... 'got me.'

I fought hard with myself to calm down on the drive to the church.... there were people already at the church, some of whom I knew, again from working with them in the past... and it was comforting to see familiar faces there...One of them knew about me losing mom and offered her condolences and the other two women had not yet heard... and were very kind and sympathetic... I chose to sit behind them...in the last pew in the church...by myself.... in between three other people I did not know... I wanted to sit alone... didn't want people to look at me with pity knowing how hard this would be for me... because today wasn't about me... bit it was hard for me...

As far as the funeral, Meg and her family again wheeled in the casket... into the center of the church... Meg did a reading...did it gracefully... not sure how she did that... I admire her courage...I could NOT have done that.... Meg's niece tried to do a reading, but became overwhelmed by emotions, which broke my heart...I didn't listen intently to any of the service... and didn't engage in the prayers... though, with the example of those around me, did stand and sit as was dictated by the Catholic traditions...

At the conclusion of the service, Meg and her family escorted her mother, for the last time, down the aisle of the church and outside... and it 'got me' again...

There was a reception at the church following the funeral... and following that there was a gathering at the house of a family friend... I was invited to join the family and was glad to go. I kept an eye on Meg all day, trying to monitor her and stepping in to divert the energy of others form time to time... I helped to take care of all the food after the reception and tried to be supportive... though I know there is nothing that is comforting on a day like this....

I had contemplated not going today... to any of it... knowing Meg would have understood... but... I would have regretted it... and it would not have been the right thing to do... ... I think I was able to step away from my own grief enough to be there for Meg... It was hard...and I am tired... but... I am glad that I was there for her....