Back to work...

I had been away from my job since April 10th... in the midst of that the kids had a week vacation ... so I missed 7 days of work... which seems like a lot more. I had planned to take Monday and Tuesday of this week off because I had a couple of meetings that I Was supposed to chair and given my emotions, did not want that responsibility... fortunately one of my colleagues did the meetings for me. I had a lot of anxiety about the idea of going back to work... to face my colleagues...my friends... and my students... I knew I would be emotional about it all.. and I know on some level that it's ok to be emotional... but... there is a level of professionalism that I want to maintain... I think that's more my pride than anything else... the idea of going to work today to face everyone at once was a lot... so I decided to stop by school yesterday afternoon... to see a few people who I knew would hug me and I knew would make me cry... and I wanted to see some of the kids.

As I drove to my school my stomach was in knots...I had skipped lunch because I was anxious, very unusual for me to NOT eat in stressful times... and when I got into the parking lot, I didn't quite know what to do with myself... so I took a deep breath and stepped out of my truck... the first person I spoke with was the school custodian... who may or may not know what's been going on... he simply asked, in a rhetorical manner, if I was going through a rough time... I summoned a smile and said, yes...but it will get better... and he said it was good to see me... I then headed to the office to put some cards in a few mailboxes... and ran into a few other people... and eventually made it to my classroom... where I was attacked by 8 sixth graders... who insisted upon hugging me... they were in the midst of writing cards to me, an idea of the woman who assists me in that class... and their words were very sweet... each of them wanted me to read their card aloud and I told them that I was too emotional to do that, but I would read each of them in their presence... and I did... and I got weepy... One girl said to me... "You know... you probably want to just stay inside by yourself... but your mom would want you to get outside and do stuff." How true... that group of kids said they had a lot of questions, and I gave them permission to ask me anything and told them that if I was uncomfortable I wouldn't answer them... they wanted to know if I was with my mom when she died... and were curious what that was like... I told them I was with her... and that it was very hard... that her breathing got slower and slower... and then she died... those answers seemed to pacify their curiosity... for now.... and I am ok with that...

I then got a chance to visit with my assistant who is an amazing person... she and I have worked together for at least 5 years now... she has a close relationship with her mom, like I had with mine... and she has talked to me a lot, listened even more... but has had a hard time with it all because she tells me that she can't even imagine what it would be like if it was her and her mom... but it was really good to talk with her... I then greeted a couple of other people who awkwardly said welcome back... and then I made sure I saw another woman... who lost her mother to cancer this fall... in a manner not unlike how we lost mom... professionally we do not see eye to eye, but... that's all out the window when it comes to losing our moms... she is a little older than mom was and her mother was in her 70's when she passed in the fall...Mom's age has struck a chord with this woman and she has said to me that it has been hard for her to deal with at her age, which she recognizes as being a much more natural timeline, and can't imagine being 33 and losing her mother like I have... we cried together and she gets it... she really does... and she got very choked up when she told me she had found mom's obituary and had read it to her own daughter....again mom's youth really upset her...

So after seeing some folks at work... I came home... then went to dinner with a friend and her husband... and had a very large margarita...mmmmm... today my alarms went off and I had a moment of considering staying in bed... but... I knew I had to get up... and I did... I went to work... saw more people... got a little weepy at times... but did ok.. but I was pretty exhausted by the end of it all... and skipped the staff meeting... couldn't face all of my coworkers all in the same room... feeling like they were all feeling sorry for me... just couldn't do it... so I went home... got my gym clothes... went to Walmart, bought some flowers to plant outside, went to the gym and did the elliptical machine (with inhaler close by just in case... but didn't need it)... came home and planted some flowers... and realize I need to buy some gardening gloves because no matter how much soap and water... potting soil is hard to remove...

I am tired... but glad today is behind me.