Movies and a Second Gym Membership

I managed to stay awake last night during my shift in the toll booth. I watched few movies, Last Chance Harvey, New In Town, and American Gangster. The first two are nice romantic comedies. Not the cheesy kind of romantic comedies, but...good. Enjoyable.

I worked from midnight until 8 a.m. this morning. I tried to get some rest yesterday afternoon/evening, but my new neighbors were moving in and kept me awake. It's not their fault, but it was frustrating. Then, when I got home this morning I was hoping to catch some zzz's, but my upstairs neighbors were moving in their furniture... it sounded HUGE... plus... the owners of lot beside me, the one where the house burned this winter...are rebuilding... and had their generator going, saws going...hammers going... so needless to say, I haven't slept since yesterday morning... the upside? ...I should sleep tonight...


I am contemplating joining a second gym. My gym is great. I like it a lot, the way it is set up and the options it has. I am the most comfortable at that gym than I have ever been anywhere else... the cardio machines, the ellipticals feel tall enough with long enough strides for me... I like the weight machines... and I like the loft area where I do my arms and stretching... and it is very close to my house....I like it there... The only thing that it is missing is group exercise classes. So... in looking around, there is another gym that offers several classes a week that I would be interested in taking... Zumba, step aerobics, pilates (which I have never done, but hey I would try it!), and some other ones that I would check out. Right now, if I take the weekly zumba class at $10 a pop... that's 40 extra bucks a month...on top of my current membership... this second gym is $25 a month, unlimited classes... so I could to 2-3 classes a week... hmmm.... it may be worth it. I think I will stop by that other gym tomorrow and check out the facilities... plus... it would create more opportunities to meet some new people...which is also good, right?

Ahhh... a great morning...

I woke up fairly early this morning, but decided I was comfy in my bed and rested with the kitties for a while. I got up around 8:00 and knew I needed to get some cash to pay for the zumba class I would be taking... I thought about walking to an ATM machine, but instead decided to ride my bike. Granted it is a short ride, probably just over a mile round trip, but...the big news is that I rode UP the hill on which my house resides... ALL the way UP! No Stopping... even though I had made a deal with myself that if I got to a certain house I could get off and walk if I wanted to... but I didn't.. I went the whole way! I am soooooooo excited about that. A year ago my quad muscle would not have allowed me to do that... it was still too weak from surgery (July 2007) and any incline was impossible. I was also able to finish the ride by coming up my driveway which is a pretty good incline. Ahhh... I was ina great mood after that... and as Zumba time neared, I walked to my friend's house, Suellen, who lives very nearby... she, her sister and I all went to Zumba.... and it was a lot of fun! It was more fun this week because I felt more comfortable with the steps...more confident really...which allowed me to push myself a little more this week... don't get too excited though... there are still some moves where I opt for the lower impact version, but I feel good about that. I It was a good workout... Sue and I are toying with the idea of riding our bikes to Zumba class sometime later in the summer. It's about 4 miles one way to where we did the class, which would be do-able...but not until we get a little more comfortable with riding our bikes in traffic AND Zumba... so that we are not too exhausted.

So after leaving the class, with some good dance tunes in our heads, we decided we would go get pedicures... and why not also add lunch in the mix. We went to lunch and I got a chicken Caesar salad, dressing on the side... and didn't eat croutons.... The salad also came with a side of chips and I got baked chips... which I will eat later tonight when I am working.... (Gotta work on the toll booths at midnight until eight tomorrow morning....got lots of movies to take with me...) Following lunch we got pedicures... and my feet look good... well as good as feet can look I suppose.

So it has been a good day... and I am off to nap....so I can stay awake tonight...

Ohhh one more thing... I have made sure to pack my 'electrified tennis racket' also known as a bug zapper/anti-moth saber...just in case the moths have figured out that I am working tonight... Man I hate those things...

TGIF!

Sooooooooooooooo glad it is Friday... and even moooooore glad that I got all my paperwork done for school! Yay! After work my friend and I hit the gym... 40 minutes on the elliptical! We then went out to dinner and both did well being healthy. We are heading to Zumba again in the morning... late tomorrow night I have to go into work on the toll booths... so I am going to try to stay up late tonight and get up early tomorrow so that I will be sleepy enough to take a nap tomorrow afternoon...

Oh! I am getting new neighbors this weekend... I hope they are nice.

Long Day...

Ugh... it was a long day. The good news... the MRI stuff is figured out... so I have my MRI next week...not this weekend, meaning I no longer have a conflict with going to Zumba class... But the day was still stressful. I have a lot of paperwork to get done... and stayed late after school to put a dent in it. So when I left school at 5:45 p.m. I decided I needed to go home and have dinner before deciding about going to the gym... when I was leaving the building I got some voice mails, one of which was from my friend Sue inviting me out to dinner or for a drink...because her day had also been stressful... I was tempted... but called her back and told her I really felt like if I was out doing something tonight it should be activity related... and asked her if she wanted to go swimming. Thankfully she said yes... I would not have gone without her... but we went... she did laps, I kept myself afloat by treading water. We stayed in the pool for about 40 minutes...both feeling more relaxed... we talked on the way home about our decision to be active instead of going to dinner... I know, given my mood, I would have overeaten, and would have ordered something unhealthy...and afterwards, would have been disappointed in myself and in my choices... so it was better for me in many ways, to go to the pool instead. After my long day I was worried about being so stressed that I would not sleep well...but after being in the pool, moving my body, I feel much better... ahhhh... off to bed... So glad tomorrow is Friday...

Knee stuff, Spaghetti for dinner, and Avacado for dessert?

I got another email from someone else with PVNS. She recently moved to Washington... I am not sure if that is DC or state... but will find out. She was diagnosed in March 2007 after doctors knowing there was a tumor in her left knee for 3 years... she had surgery to remove it and did fine... until this most recent March... she began having pain again and test results show that the diseased tissue, the PVNS, has invaded her tibia bone...she is in a lot of pain and since she just moved, has yet to find a new doctor to help her. I hope she stays in touch and hope she gets some relief... it does make me worry...as I approach the two year anniversary since my surgery... (7/17/07)... but... I think I am ok... I think I think... I think...

I opted to not go to the gym today. I intended to go, but got distracted by trying to finalize my MRI... I called today to confirm my appointment, thankfully... and learned that the MRI place is not sure if I need an MRI that requires some contrast dye... so it became a big battle between me, the MRI office, and my doctor's offices, both locally and in Boston... it was very frustrating to spend an hour on this... and by the time it was over, I wanted to just be at home and settle in for the night. I don't feel too badly about it because I have been doing well being active and think that having a day for my body to relax is okay.

I do have to say that today my body felt different... in a good way... like I am starting to tone up some and feeling more compact somehow.... that's probably a strange way to describe it, but that's the best way I can describe it.

I had a healthy dinner... yesterday I cooked a spaghetti squash so I could have something quick to eat... and tonight I decided to make a sauce to go on it to have for dinner... so I chopped up some onion and red bell pepper (using my showtime knives of course!) added some garlic and let that cook a little... I then added some sweet italian turkey sausage and some turkey pepperoni...let it cook more then added some spaghetti sauce from a jar... and let it simmer... It was very tasty over the squash...and very filling. I do enjoy cooking...and need to return to that more... I have been making a lot of guacamole lately... I really like it. I use Meg's recipe... simply cut an avocado in half lengthwise... remove the pit...while still in the skin cut diagonal lines through the avocado in alternating angles, and then scoop it out of the skin into a bowl... then mash it up really good...add a little bit of salsa and a dash of salt... I also add a bit of lime juice to keep the avocado from browning. MMMMM... delicious. The problem is... I can eat the entire batch solo... but I researched avocados and realized it is a fruit... so in my head I justify eating all the guacamole as eating a serving of fruit for the day... an avocado is similar in size to a pear...and nobody worries about eating a hole pear... although the blue corn chips used to eat the guacamole are not the best choice... but it is a nice treat. Now I am thinking about it... I kind of want to make it... and have it... That's the trouble with not working out... I tend to snack more...

Uh oh... the avocado is calling.....

Asthma Sucks

After mom died I had some pretty major asthma symptoms...and was put on a steroid inhaler... which I finished using yesterday. (It had a certain number of doses in it.) Hoping I wouldn't need another round, I haven't called my doc to see if I should refill it or not... but tonight I answered that question for myself... I need it.

Tonight I went for a bike ride... and now, being home, I am quite wheezy. (Not the Wheezy from The Jeffersons!) So... tomorrow I will call my doc for a refill... better to be on it and be able to enjoy activities than be off it and suffer afterwards I suppose.

I did enjoy my bike ride... and went solo tonight. My biking partner was working late...which would have been the perfect excuse NOT to go...but I had promised myself a workout today and really wanted to be outside because it looks like the weather will not be conducive to biking the rest of this week... so I decided I would go... I called one of my neighbors, who is also a friend, and told her where I was going and about how long I expected to be gone. Perhaps that is a bit paranoid, but, my mother's voice was in my head telling me that if I ended up in a ditch somewhere, nobody would know it... so... I called my friend and she was happy I did... or at least pretended to be. I do think it was smart.. plus I do take my cell phone with me, just in case I need it.

The ride was challenging... crossing a couple of busy roads, riding next to some fast moving cars (but in a wide shoulder I promise!), and there were some hills... I had a specific place in mind, where I wanted to use as my halfway point. I stopped a couple of times and considered turning around at those points, but pushed myself to my goal, and made it. I rode the entire way until I got very close to my house, which is on a good sizes hill, and gave myself permission to walk up it... Other than the wheezing, which is decreasing, I feel great...

I am proud of myself for how active I have been recently and look forward to it continuing.... after all I must get in shape for my October goal...I am going to walk a half marathon... which is 13.1 miles... definitely not as prestigious as running a half or full marathon, but it will be an accomplishment for me! (And... I wouldn't mind eventually getting the biker physique... especially the legs!)

Memorial Day Weekend...

It's been a busy weekend. A good weekend, but busy. Friday, massage... Saturday Zumba & babysitting...Sunday worked on the turnpike...today... walk on the beach and lunch with friends.... phew... I need a nap...I was a little restless after getting home last night after working. I debated about going to the movies, or going out to dinner... but I ended up staying put, made some guacamole and relaxed... it is hard for me to do that... I felt like I should be doing something or needed to find something to do... I even called a friend to go out to dinner, but she was busy... which left me with myself....I guess that's not such a bad thing... but I think I may need to get used to it again... I have had a lot of time to myself over the years... being single...living solo...but recently time spent alone was usually in the truck, driving to or from visiting mom and dad...or being on edge awaiting a phone call... so time by myself has not been relaxing in a long time... knowing that, I kind of forced myself to stay put last night. I was really close to going to the movies solo, which I really enjoy, but I knew that last night my motivation would have been to escape from something, time alone, instead of going towards something I really wanted to do... So last night I sat out on my porch, which I have rarely done since living here...enjoyed some fresh air... watered my flowers... and watched a stray cat who has decided I am ok as far as humans go... I feel bad for him because he seems homeless... he's a little dirty... but he looks almost identical to one of my cats, Lucy...but his fur is much longer. I ended up going to bed fairly early last night, but I think it was good for me. This morning I woke up around 6:00 and quickly told my body it was not a work day, but when I was still awake at 7:15, I decided to get up. It looked beautiful outside...and I thought about going for a nice walk on the beach... then thought that maybe I would just stay home and have a nice quiet breakfast... but the beach was still on my mind, so I went. I went to my favorite beach... it was absolutely gorgeous! I had taken a windbreaker with me anticipating a breezy walk, but it was perfect weather... warm with a slight breeze...with no need for a sweatshirt... from the beach I love so much you can see the pier that is on a more popular beach... so I decided I would walk to the pier and back... thinking maybe it would take me 40 minutes or so, total... (and broke my beach rule by wearing shoes...good shoes...so I wouldn't hurt myself!) well... after about 30 minutes I still had not made it to the pier, but decided to keep going. Fifteen minutes later I made it to the pier... and wished I had brought along some water... but I was ok.. There were a lot of people and dogs on the beach, but not too crowded. I figured that the crowds would be gone, tourists heading back to their own homes, leaving us Mainers to our own beaches... but there were still some 'people from away' around, and that was ok. I was happy to see so many people enjoying the beautiful morning. So, I walked back to where I had started... pausing briefly when I knew I was close to the end of my walk to take off my shoes and socks... so I could walk the last 10 minutes or so barefoot, in and out of the water... which felt soooooooo good on my feet. I then drove from where I had parked to the pier at the other beach and it was 2.8 miles, so I walked 5.6 miles today in about an hour and a half...it was a great way to start the day. Then I got a bonus... on my way home I stopped at a farm stand... and they sold rhubarb...I LOVE rhubarb... raw... with a little salt... it is so soury... my mom and sister and I used to eat so much of my Grandmother's rhubarb we couldn't taste anything else for days. I was so excited to have some rhubarb that I ate it in the car on my car ride home... without salt. It was sooooo good. Then I went over to a friend's house for lunch. She loves close by, so I made a fruit salad and walked down the hill to her house. It was nice to visit with her, her boyfriend, her sister (Also a good friend), and her niece... we had a nice lunch... now I am home... sitting once again, on my porch as I type this... my indoor kitties are at the window talking to me.... it is breezy out here... but it is nice. I like this kind of weather... not too hot... and wish summer in Maine was like today, every day. Being at the beach today makes me look forward to bringing my nephews there this summer. They love the beach so much and I love going with them. I look forward to that...

It's so strange to think about the weekends now... without travelling to see my parents... it is hard to know what a 'normal' weekend should be... Normal has been redefined so much in the last 14 months... and now I feel like I am supposed to return to some kind of 'normal' routine... which I suppose is what life was like before mom got sick... which is hard to remember... I want to remember more about that time period, before she was sick... but so much happened that it is hard to think of that... Rico shared with me that is is still hard for him to think about his mom...or I should say, think of his mom, other than being sick... and I totally get that. But I do believe that one day I will be able to think about her being and doing so much more... but it's a process... and getting back to normal...isn't... maybe I need to not think of it as going 'back' to normal... because backwards is not a direction I want to take often in my life... maybe I need to just keep looking forward...and when I can.. enjoy the moment... There were a lot of great moments this weekend... and I did enjoy them, all of them. Even the ones spent in my own company.

ZUMBA!

Two of my friends and I went to our first Zumba class this morning. It was a lot of fun... and worked up quite a sweat. The class was 45 minutes long and there were ways to make the moves doable for everyone there... me included. My knee tweaked a little at the beginning, there is a lot of side to side movement and some hopping type moves... but I was cautious... and hope that my carefulness will subside after doing some more classes... yes..more classes, that means that I liked it enough to go back. The tricky part is that the class cost $10.. . It was offered at a gym to which I do not belong. Their classes used to be $7..but the price went up. I don't think I will spend that much money every week to go... but am looking at other places in the area that have classes.. maybe buy a package deal or something... The gym that I go to has a cheap membership but doesn't offer the group exercise classes... and the gym that offered the class today is drastically more pricey... so I need to check around the area to see what's available.

So... for two days in a row... I stepped out of my comfort zone... yesterday's massage and today's fitness class...Where I did shake my BFA by the way... and I enjoyed both. Pretty good weekend so far... I'm off to babysit a friend's son... imagine, someone entrusting their kid with me!

Massage...

Wow... the massage... was... sooo worth it... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Black Raspberry with chocolate chips?!

Bicycle Lady IV by Jo Parry... I found this image via Google...from a website called Allposters.com, a site from which I have purchased art before. I clicked on the artist's name on the site and found some very cool things... perhaps I need to order something. This image, of the biking lady... is symbolic of my evening. My friend Suellen and I biked to get ice cream...well frozen yogurt(Black Raspberry with chocolate chips.) The bikes at the gym do not really make you experience the true feeling of biking... but that's ok... Our ride was nice... it had a few hills which were a good challenge and there were those three other bikes that passed us making me feel like a slow poke, but...we did it... The ice cream stand we went to is in the town in which I teach...so I saw a few kids I know. We were both nervous about riding on a main road with traffic so close to us. Our other rides have been on bike paths, without the traffic... so this was a big difference... but the shoulder was wide and I felt pretty safe....granted timing is everything...that road can be extrememly busy, but we made sure to be on it when it was much less busy... On our way back we had to get into a center lane, because we were turning left...and we were trying to follow the rules of the road... at that intersection we stopped at the red light...and without realizing it, across from us was a bus full of track kids from my school! The bus honked and waved as we crossed paths in the intersection... I am sure I will hear about that tomorrow!

It was nice...then we jumped in my vehicle to clock how far we had ridden - 5 miles total, which to some avid cyclers isn't a lot, but it's good for me. I do notice on the hills I shift into a lower gear pretty quickly and think it's because mentally I still worry about my knee being able to handle it... but considering that last summer I couldn't do any incline on my bike... I feel pretty good! We then continued driving to map out some othe routes. Our next ride, we have decided will be 7 miles total. And we clocked a 13 mile route that will get us to a farmer's market this summer... so we figure we can build up to that in a few weeks.

OH! And I used my basket for the first time. I bought a basket for my bike... about which my father and sister have teased me at length...even though my sister really wants one for her bike too! My basket is not a little white basket with flowers, though there is nothing wrong with that... it's metal, black, and is the shape and slightly smaller than a shopping basket you would use at the grocery store. AND... the basket comes off the bike so that you can carry the basket with you... PERFECT for walking around a farmers market and buying some fresh produce. I like this idea a lot... it's fun to me. Tonight I used it to transport a sweatshirt with me in case the breeze was chilly on the ride back... it worked out really well. I also have a little bag that goes under my seat that zippers closed... it is the perfect size for my cell phone, keys, inhaler, and wallet... so...make fun of my basket... and sing the little song from the Wizard of Oz that plays as the wicked with rides her bike and it changes into a broomstick.... but I am a happy basket toting bike chick...

Exercise wise, this has been a good week....eating habits wise... a good week...work wise... stressful, but okay.... and tomorrow... MASSAGE!!!

I talked to my dad today... he called Tuesday too... he sounds ok, sad, and a bit lost, but okay... I am proud of him for going camping and for staying there so far... I will see him in a couple of weeks.... and he is going to install my bike rack in my truck as well as my kayak rack... so... I am going to look either very sporty, or very redneckish... (I'm hoping for sporty!)

4 days in a row

Today I went to the gym again, my 4th day in a row... yesterday's workout did not make me happy... The elliptical machines that I like best were all being used which left the other kind of elliptical machine... which I HATE... but.. I hate the stairmaster more and didn't feel like biking, so I did the funky elliptical... only for 30 minutes and it kicked my butt... the strides are shorter, which is why I think I don't like it... but it counts as a workout... This morning I gave myself permission to choose whether or not to go to the gym today... after going three days in a row and having plans to go biking tomorrow... I told myself if I didn't make the gym today it was ok... After leaving work, which was a stressful place today... lots of paperwork to get done and the end of the year chaos to deal with and a staff meeting... so I figured that the gym would be healthy way to relieve some stress... I got on my elliptical machine...the good kind... and after about 8/10 of a mile my MP3 player died... well the battery died. I can't workout without music... just can't do it... so I finished the first mile and got off the machine to get a battery out of my gym bag... and when I returned, the elliptical machines were once again all taken... (mental note, must go earlier to avoid bigger crowds.) and there was NO way I was going to do the evil elliptical... so I biked for a little while then did some weight training... I have been doing the weight training more with my legs than my arms... but I need to do both... but I like the leg workout better... so... today's gym time wasn't as productive as other days, but... it felt good to go. Tomorrow I am going to go for a bike ride with a friend... we have decided that we want to push ourselves a little, going a little further than we have gone and we are actually going to ride our bikes on the road... which makes us both nervous with traffic... but we are going along a road with a very wide shoulder...and I will be wearing my helmet... and to reward ourselves... our destination is an ice cream stand...where we are planning on having frozen yogurt... my food treat of the week! Should be fun.

And Friday... I am planning no workouts... just going to relax and enjoy my massage... ahhhhhhhhhh.... breathe in .... breathe out... AND... Saturday I am attending a fitness class that I have never done before.... Lola will be proud... ZUMBA baby!!! I'm gonna shake my BFA... (BFA is an endearing acronym my friend Meg developed years ago... refers to a larger than average behind...)

This and That

Let's see... I have a few things on my mind today... and I am not sure how jumbled it will all be... but here goes...

I just got home from the gym and I feel pretty good... I upped my time on the elliptical from 30 minutes to 40. In 30 minutes I had been doing 2.5 miles, so 12 minute miles. I have been happy with that... very happy... and I have been doing weight training too...which means I spend about an hour at the gym when I go... but today I was in a mood where I didn't want to be trapped in the gym, but also needed to work out to get rid of some stress... so I decided I would go to the gym and do just cardio. But then I made a deal with myself that if I wasn't going to do weight training I needed to extend my cardio time... so... I did... my compromise was that I did it at a slightly slower pace... so after 40 minutes I did just over 3 miles... I guestimate it was about 13 minute miles... but it was worth it to get in a little extra time. I would like to get up to doing 3.5 miles in 40 minutes...but this week I will continue on the 40 minutes routine and also make sure I do the weight training stuff too... I also ran into one of my cousins at the gym... which is rare... we don't have a big family, so running into a cousin usually does not happen outside of family holidays. That was kind of cool... she is quite a bit younger than me but we have some things in common...including our height... she is not as tall as I am, but is considerable taller than most women. She lives in this area and I should give her a call sometime...

My knee has been doing pretty well...knock on wood... I have been much more conscious of it lately because I have my annual MRI coming up to see how things are looking in there... fingers crossed, all will be okay. I have wondered if things are ok because my knee has had some pain... but I truly believe that it is because my body has been so stressed and tension filled that my whole body has been achy...plus... I am guilty of wearing my flip flops a little more than I should be... I should be wearing more supportive shoes with my orthodics... So, my MRI will be on May 30th... and I will get the results in July... if I can refrain from bugging my doctor until then...

On Friday I am stepping WAY outside of my comfort zone... I am getting a massage... yep... I am going to have someone see if they can help me get rid of some of the tension my body has been hanging onto for a long time. I figure that if my shoulders hurt when I try to force them to relax... maybe I need to call in an expert. I am not venturing into this solo... one of my good friends, Debbie, is going too. We are going to do a couples massage...which I believe means that we are in the same room at the same time... that will be good for a little moral support and certain laughter. I admit that I am a little concerned with this whole being touched by a stranger thing... it stresses me out a little, but... that is the opposite effect intended I suppose... so I am trying to open my mind to it... breathe in... breathe out.... breathe in.... breathe out..... repeat... I am not sure if I am one of those people that can completely relax... I think I used to be... but I don't remember how to do that...so maybe this is a step towards remembering.

Today was a stressful day...it started last night really....I was irate with a message that was left on my father's answering machine... by someone to whom I am biologically related, but over recent years have categorized her less and less as family...and finally confronted this person...the phone conversation was not pleasant and I felt the need to follow up with an email because I didn't feel like I was being heard over the numerous excuses...my email demanded apologies for her poor behavior demonstrated in her message to Dad as well as other things she has done to cause unneeded drama in our family... My filter, where this person is concerned, is gone. But I said what I needed to say, what I have been thinking for a very long time... and tried to say it in a way that was about my perceptions of things and tried not to personally attack her... but I will no longer tolerate her emotional outbursts or allow her to use my father as her scapegoat for everything she perceives as wrong with her own life. I am proud of myself for not letting her guilt me into my usual role of peacemaker... she has caused a lot of damage and enough is enough.

So I was pretty fired up about all of that and went to work still having a thorn in my side... and one of the teachers I work with complained to me about one of the plans we recently developed at a meeting. She was at the meeting and agreed to the things in the plan, but then when one of her co-workers complained that one of the classroom accommodations would require extra work for him... so she called me claiming that she didn't agree to that at the meeting and that the team felt blindsided...however, as I told her and showed her... the accommodations about which she complained, was also in the plan that was expiring...and she backed down...When did education become about what was convenient for teachers and not about what is best for kids?... grumble grumble...

But... I am glad that I was able to leave work fairly early, get to the gym, and tune out the world for 40 minutes... and my body does feel better. Ugh... I feel like this is another depressing post... but... here is some good news... This June will mark another high school graduation... the group of kids who graduate this year is very special to me... one of my favorite groups... I have heard from several of them and they are going on to higher education... I am so proud!

What 'got me'

As far as funerals go... I am pretty inexperienced... which makes me fairly fortunate I suppose...When my maternal grandfather died I was nine and chose not to go... in 7th grade I made the same choice when my great grandmother died...in high school a classmate lost his mother and I went to the funeral home during visiting hours, but not the service... I think that the first funeral I attended was for the man who had been my varsity basketball coach, that was in Feb. of 1997... when I was 21... it was not easy... I remember the part of that funeral that 'got me' was seeing my coach's son who was probably 4 years old at the time...and seeing how unaware he was of what was happening...the funeral for my paternal grandfather was hard... very hard... he died in January 1999... and so many things about that service still resonate with me...still 'get me'.... we did not have a funeral service for my mom's mother or my mom... which were the right choices for our family in both cases...

Today I attended the funeral for the mother of my friend, Meg. I had a lot of anxiety about the day... very worried that I would be too emotional to be any source of comfort for my friend... We both got weepy when we saw each other....but recovered fairly quickly... I had met her siblings a few times before so it was nice to have some familiarity with them... I also knew several people in attendance from the school where Meg works because I had met Meg working there myself years ago... at the end of the visiting hours we prepared to head to the church for the funeral.... I was in my vehicle awaiting the start of the processional... and as I sat in my truck...I watched my friend, her siblings, and a few others, wheeling the casket from the funeral home to the hearse... seeing my friend... assisting in that process... was so hard... SOOOOOOOOO hard... seeing her holding the casket, helping to lift the casket into the hearse... 'got me.'

I fought hard with myself to calm down on the drive to the church.... there were people already at the church, some of whom I knew, again from working with them in the past... and it was comforting to see familiar faces there...One of them knew about me losing mom and offered her condolences and the other two women had not yet heard... and were very kind and sympathetic... I chose to sit behind them...in the last pew in the church...by myself.... in between three other people I did not know... I wanted to sit alone... didn't want people to look at me with pity knowing how hard this would be for me... because today wasn't about me... bit it was hard for me...

As far as the funeral, Meg and her family again wheeled in the casket... into the center of the church... Meg did a reading...did it gracefully... not sure how she did that... I admire her courage...I could NOT have done that.... Meg's niece tried to do a reading, but became overwhelmed by emotions, which broke my heart...I didn't listen intently to any of the service... and didn't engage in the prayers... though, with the example of those around me, did stand and sit as was dictated by the Catholic traditions...

At the conclusion of the service, Meg and her family escorted her mother, for the last time, down the aisle of the church and outside... and it 'got me' again...

There was a reception at the church following the funeral... and following that there was a gathering at the house of a family friend... I was invited to join the family and was glad to go. I kept an eye on Meg all day, trying to monitor her and stepping in to divert the energy of others form time to time... I helped to take care of all the food after the reception and tried to be supportive... though I know there is nothing that is comforting on a day like this....

I had contemplated not going today... to any of it... knowing Meg would have understood... but... I would have regretted it... and it would not have been the right thing to do... ... I think I was able to step away from my own grief enough to be there for Meg... It was hard...and I am tired... but... I am glad that I was there for her....

The mountain is calling...

I can't take credit for this photograph... I found it online on a website called flickr and I believe the photographer's name was Chris Bennett... definitely some irony there...but the photo is beautiful. It is Mt. Katahdin, a beautiful shot... and something about this picture that makes me able to hear the silence...smell the air... and it creates a sense of longing... wishing for that peaceful feeling is captures...

Tomorrow my father is heading to the mountain... to the campground where he and mom have spent many many days... for years their summers have been spent in their camper at the base of the mountain... After mom died...one of the hospice nurses told dad that mom had said she wanted him to go to the mountain... I had hoped, for a long time that dad would continue going there, enjoying it... but wasn't sure he would. He has cautiously told us that he is going... and he will see what happens. It was their "place".... visiting them there often felt more like going home than going to their house...

He has spoken with a few of the other 'regulars' form the campground and it seems that he will have a couple of days there by himself... and he said he is kind of grateful for it... to have some time to get settled... have some private time there...between him, the mountain... and mom...I truly hope he can find comfort in being there and that he wants to stay for the summer, but I also know it may be very hard... being there will remind him every moment that she is not there... and it may be too much...

But... he is going... and that alone, is a HUGE accomplishment... he has been working to get ready... doing something.... moving forward even though it feels like there is no direction right now.

Last weekend... the whole birthdays/mother's day thing... was hard... and we miss her... I miss her.


I haven't written much lately... and I think it's because I am in a holding pattern... it often takes my brain some time to be able to articulate all that swirls around in my head. When there is a lot going on, a lot of emotional stuff and I can't write I know that I am unsettled...unsure... and that I am struggling... when I am writing more, it means am processing more... and I've just been kind of numb these last few weeks...

Hearing yesterday that Meg's mom died... hit me hard... and reminds me that there are still many tears to come... many many tears... and much more to process... but for now... I am optimistic for my dad... for his summer... it will be hard... but I hope he can manage...

sad...helpless...

My friend... Meg....her mom died yesterday...I am sad for her....and her siblings...they had lost their dad several years ago... and now their mom is gone... and even though I just lost my mom... I have no idea what to say/do to help...

Services are this weekend... and I am scared about attending the funeral... knowing that I will be thinking of my mom while I listen to everything....and don't want to lose it when I need to be there for my friend...

Ugh.

Surreal...

The weekend is almost over... Gotta be honest and say I am glad about that. My dad and I drove to see my sister and her family.

I can't really describe much about the weekend... I think in many ways I kind of turned off... going through the motions...acting normal when nothing is.... My sister had ordered a cake, with daisies...which was my mom's favorite flower...to recognize my birthday, and mom's... it was nice...

I wasn't as interactive with my nephews and probably everyone else as maybe I should have been... or normally would be... but that's ok...

Today is mother's day... The women in my life who are mothers, are amazing women and I love them so much... respect them so much... and want them all to be recognized... more than one day each year... but... it is hard... to have lost my mom and see so many mother's day themed things... and even hear it on the radio... songs going out to moms... from their kids... makes it hard...

No big epiphanies to share... no long winded philosophizing.... it was a weekend where I felt lost... that's all...

May 8th...

Happy Birthday Mom... I Love you...

Dread

Sooo... this weekend is finally here... it's one I have been dreading for a long time...I always knew it would happen eventually... but not this soon... I mean it was bound to happen, but I didn't think I would have to face it for another twenty or thirty years....when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and we learned it was inoperable... I knew this would be sooner than I ever expected...

34 years ago from this Friday, my mom celebrated her 23rd birthday...and she celebrated in the hospital... because she had delivered a baby... me... as the story goes...mom was not a pleasant woman during her pregnancy with me. I was one of those "oops" babies... the doctor told her that she was having twins, maybe triplets... but it was just me...mom always swore she had carried me for a year... that I was due in February, but stayed put until May...but when I decided to arrive, it happened fast, so fast that the cigar smoking doctor came into the hospital, put his cigar in an ashtray, delivered me, walked out and picked up the same smoldering cigar and left... and when I was born, my face was so squished up that the doctor wondered if I was blind...and I was colossal... I held the record at the hospital for a while as the biggest baby born there...

Every birthday since then... we have been together...together... we had developed some birthday traditions... at the conclusion of time spent together that was close to our birthday... we would hug each other goodbye and acknowledge that it was the last hug we would give each other at whatever age we were... every year since my adulthood, we have gotten together on our birthday or soon thereafter... sometimes meeting halfway between her house and mine for lunch or dinner...and then there was our annual competition... we each tried to be the first one to wish the other one a happy birthday...which in recent years would play out by whichever one of us answered the phone call would say Happy Birthday instead of hello... winning the 'I said it first' competition... when I was really young, mom would make birthday cakes... kind of fancy ones... I remember one of those round cakes with a Barbie doll sticking out of the center...the cake doubled as Barbie's skirt... but as I got older mom decided that it was her birthday too and she was done making fancy cakes... done making birthday cakes period... so we began buying Pepperidge Farms cakes as our birthday cake... there were also the extra special years when out birthday also fell on mother's day... I've always loved that we shared a birthday and felt that it made us somehow more special...it feels even more special now...


It's been almost three weeks since mom died....and I knew for a while now... or at least highly suspected... that mom wouldn't be here this year... on our birthday... for mother's day... but knowing that it was going to come... hasn't made it easier...hasn't made seeing the gigantic mother's day cards that fill the aisles any easier...

"The firsts are hard..." so many people have told me that... the first mother's day... the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc... the first birthday of my life that I don't share with my mom....that I don't have a mom... it sucks...

Waking up Friday is going to be hard...facing that day... facing the weekend...

I've thought a lot about how I wanted to spend my birthday for a long time... and knew I would not be going to work... I contemplated getting up in the morning and heading to the ocean for the day...I thought about not getting out of bed that day and ignoring the outside world... and I still think that idea has merit... but instead... my dad and I are heading to see my sister and her family for the weekend... I invited us down... because in some way I hope that it will distract me from how sad I feel about missing a shared birthday...

I hope it works... and I am scared it won't.

Productive? Maybe.

I have been doing laundry for what seems like days and days.... I rearranged my bedroom sometime last week and decided it would be a good chance to rearrange my clothes too... given the craziness of the last few months... I admit that many loads of clean laundry got thrown about and with four cats... quickly needed additional laundering... so I decided I would rewash everything and actually put each item where it belongs. Washing and drying and putting away... fun stuff... I did get away from it yesterday... went to hang out with Meg... she lives in the western part of the state and from the deck of her house the view is gorgeous... some of the white mountains...

We sat our on her deck, had some chips, salsa, and guacamole, oh yeah, and beverages... we then grilled dinner and played canasta... and I won! (One of these days she is going to get lucky!) We had a lot of laughs... and it felt good. We then watched the Celtics game... and I have to say that there was lots of craziness in that game...Meg and I are both sporty girls and we were both yelling at the players and officials... maybe not yelling, but complaining a lot...unfortunately I did not sleep well... I had a lot of crazy dreams... including one where I was hiding from grizzly and black bears... (explained by the fact I have been watching Stranger Among Bears on animal planet...) And I was wide awake by about 6:30 this morning ... We hung out for a bit this morning, had breakfast, went for a short walk... and I felt like I needed to get home... which is strange because I haven't really felt settled being at home... but wanted to get back anyway...I got back fairly early... 11 ish... and have been pretty productive today.... did more laundry...vacuumed... and throwing out some crap that has been sitting around for way too long... I have more things I want to do this afternoon... but am taking a break...

My landlords stopped by today... they were showing the apartment above me which is still empty... and we talked briefly about renewing my lease... I am excited because they are going to give me access to the garage, which means that I will have a safe place to store one of mom's kayaks...

It's kind of a gray day today... I hope the week gets a little sunnier....

oh... for the record... my dad's email to the former minister went through... and he got a response... telling him that his email was harassing in nature and that if he sent another email, the police would be involved... WHAT?!! are you crazy.... That is such crap.... people are UNbelievable...

One step forward two steps back...

I ended up staying home from work yesterday... I feel guilty about it, but... I had a hard night Thursday night... Maybe it was from watching Grey's Anatomy... where one of the characters has cancer ... or maybe it was from another show, or maybe because I had talked with dad earlier in the day and he sounded so sad.... but... whatever the reason, Thursday night was filled with tears, lots of tears... and even medication designed to help me sleep didn't help. So at 4 a.m. I was awake, but did fall asleep in time for my alarm to go off... so I called out... and spent the morning in bed... and all the crying exacerbated my asthma (by the way exacerbate is one of my favorite words!) so I realized that I had forgotten to take my morning, steroid inhaler, which if you miss a dose you are supposed to skip it... so I skipped it but by afternoon I was wheezy so decided to take my other inhaler...the one that is used for more acute symptoms... and it was empty... so I had to refill it... and pick it up...

I hadn't heard from dad yesterday either, so I called him last night and he sounded stuffy... and when I asked him about if he was getting a cold, he said that he didn't have a cold, he had just had a really hard day...I so wish I could make this process easier for him and for me... but I know I can't... we each have to go through whatever it is we need to go through... I did some reading online last night about the loss of a spouse... and there are some good articles... i have yet to share them with dad because I want to make sure that he doesn't think that there are ways to fix this grieving thing... I want him to feel what he needs to feel and not think I am trying to fix it for him... but at some point, maybe I will tell him to google some things...

He is mulling things over... a lot of things.. I think he is reliving a lot of things... and I have done that as well. One thing that he has been thinking about is a comment that was put on one of the websites containing mom's obituary... the comment was made by someone who had served as the minister of my parents church for several years and recently retired... there has been some drama, some political garbage going on in regard to his retirement... and he had the nerve to post something on mom's obituary that was political... we saw it, and fortunately before many people read it, we were able to have it removed from the site... but it was very hurtful to my father...and to those who loved mom... how dare he use an obituary, especially mom's, to further his political battles.... anyway... when this comment had been posted I wanted to call this man... but my sister and father talked me out of it. I did however send him an email... I couldn't NOT send him an email... I even contemplated going to his house... but didn't... dad ran into this man at the store the other day... and decided to not say anything to him... however, since that meeting, dad has regretted not saying something to him... and I think he feels that he didn't stand up for mom... so he had tried to email him... and the email kept returning due to an incorrect address... so I sent him the email address I had used and I hope he sends a message...

I hate hate hate... that I can't make this better... it just sucks... Dad will be busy today, he is cooking beans for the church's bean supper... and will be around a lot of people tonight which is good, but it will be hard for him too,because all of those people knew mom really well too...

I went to the gym this morning... met up with a friend there.. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical which resulted in 2.5 miles... which is about 12 minute miles... I am happy with that... my asthma behaved too, so that's good... I am home now, contemplating a bike ride, and then later will be heading to visit Meg for the night... we are going to grill, drink, and play canasta... I hope I kick her ass or else I will NEVER hear the end of it!