I want to get off this ride....

I've never liked roller coasters... actually it's not that I haven't liked them, it's that I am afraid of them. I have no desire to get on something that travels at ridiculous speeds around sharp corners, slows down while creeping up a huge incline only to zoom down the other side, hangs upside down, and whose sole motivation is to scare the crap out of people...something that people see as defeated if they manage to not vomit during it's torture...

So, here I am, on the biggest roller coaster I have ever imagined...I doubt I will make it through this ride without throwing up...which means I am not going to defeat this ride. There have been so many ups and downs throughout this journey with mom... more downs than ups really... we are at the end of the ride... I can see the end of the tracks... but just when I think the cart is slowing down, we turn another corner...

Yesterday mom was pretty much non communicative... the few times she said anything, she complained of discomfort... her back is sore...her feet are sore...she said she just wanted to sleep....which is what she did yesterday... slept... her breathing patterns were irregular... and we all sensed that things were close to the final platform... Dad was... in sort of a circling pattern... didn't dare to leave her... kept getting up from his chair and sitting with her... caressing her arm... watching her breathe...and not breathe... Just since I have been here Friday... there have been several times when I thought she was gone...and I am sure my dad and sister have had similar moments... yesterday, with guilt, I hoped she had died... that's one of the ugly bolts of this ride... I do hope that mom will die... and soon... for people who have not witnessed something like this, that may sound callous, but for those who have witnessed it...understand feeling that way... I am saying it out loud...

I've often said on here that "normal" is a stupid word... because normal is not consistent... it is always changing... things that are abnormal become routine... without knowing the structure of my parents house it may be hard to picture... but the first floor has the living room, kitchen and dining room... and mom has been sleeping in the living room...so has dad...I have been sleeping upstairs in my parents bed... which is in an open area of the hallway (moved there due to dripping ceilings early in the winter..) So... from their bed I hear what is happening down here, unless I am sleeping soundly... which hasn't been happening. So I have heard dad, with mom, in the mornings... dad's soft voice trying to sooth mom as he administers her medications...this morning... was different...outside of what has been 'routine' over the last week.... I heard dad moving around, heard him sitting in the squeaky chair next to her bed...but I did not hear his voice... and my imagination wondered if mom had died and dad was having some quiet time with her, not wanting to wake my sister and I to tell us... with my bladder screaming for relief I stayed in bed listening... hearing the chair squeaking as dad repositioned himself...no voices...no whisper.... just the sounds of the chair...and I waited...not knowing... do I get up and go down to be there for dad, or do I give him time with her.... so I waited... and then I heard the softest whisper... dad asking mom if she wanted some pain medicine.... and my day began...

The morning has been rough so far... mom is very uncomfortable...one woman from hospice came to clean her up then we had one of the nurses come to change the bags that collect the drainage from mom's open wounds... mom was very uncomfortable during that process and said, "just put me to sleep..." She has held on so long....I really don't know how she is still alive... her body has betrayed her on so many levels... she doens't even have the strength to speak...so why, how is she still alive? And why isn't she at least comfortable...maybe today's discussion with the nurse will lead to medication given more frequently...in higher doses... I have told her it's okay to not fight anymore...I'm not sure if dad has...

This ride... to which none of us bought tickets... has beaten me... I give.... consider me having thrown up...