In the meantime...

I want to continue writing about the days after mom died, and the day of the gathering, but just haven't yet... Meanwhile...

I took today off, and am taking tomorrow off as well... bereavement days... I am dreading going back to work to face people... I know people care about me and want to help..but it is going to be overwhelming... my plan is to go in tomorrow afternoon shortly before kids are dismissed and see some of the kids and some of the adults... I think that will make Weds. a little easier on me... but it makes me sick to my stomach... maybe because facing everyone is another step toward this being real...

Yesterday I had a hard day... just couldn't get relaxed... I did some work for school in the morning then wanted to do something, go somewhere... but wasn't sure where... I headed toward the beach, turned around, came home, then left again, for the ocean... I sat on the rocks listening and watching the waves crash... something I can usually get lost in and feel comforted by... but it didn't work... and I felt, all day, like I was on the verge of crying... I wasn't really trying to hold it back either, but it just didn't come... A few tears streamed down my face here and there, but... I don't know.. it was just kind of strange... for someone who tries to process everything and figure things out... my emotions yesterday escape me... I don't like that... I ended up taking a long afternoon nap and had dinner delivered... didn't help much... one of my favorite foods didn't taste good to me...

Today was a little better...I eventually got to sleep...with a little help from ambien... and slept in this morning... eventually git up, ran some errands and then just wanted to be home... it was a beautiful day, so I should have wanted to be out doing something, but wanted to be home... and took another nap.... with the cats... my cats do provide some comfort... they are always close by...

I am starting to have a hard time thinking ahead to mother's day weekend... It will be a hard weekend... not only is it mother's day, but it will also be my birthday... which I shared with my mom... so... that will be hard... I talked about that a little with dad today and got weepy with him... which I am sure he doesn't need... Ugh...