Another Bad Day

I could have lived my life without today's experiences and been quite content...

It began at 3:30 this morning when I awoke to the sounds of my mother getting sick... it was scary because she was lying on her back and is unable to move herself... so I jumped out of bed and got to her quickly... as she continued to get sick... I wasn't sure what to do first...so I used the remote for the hospital bed to get her into a more upright position...I immediately feared that she would inhale the vomit... she was terrified... so was I.

The sounds that were involved were awful... after she stopped being sick I got her cleaned up as much as I could...new nightgown, washed up...etc... she was very upset...confused...and uncomfortable. She refused pain meds that I offered... and inquired why we were all giving her medication...she thought we were up to something...and vowed to get to the bottom of it. She then asked me where my dad and sister were and didn't believe me when I said they were upstairs.... mom said, "If daddy was here he would be down here." I again offered some meds and she refused...and kept asking about dad. I kept telling her dad was sleeping and she became more agitated... and didn't believe me...I asked her if she wanted me to wake him up and she was pretty adamant that I get him... so at 4:30 I hesitantly got dad... hated to wake him up, not wanting him to panic... but it seemed that without waking dad, mom was going to get even more upset...

Dad came down and managed to get her to take some pain meds...and sat with her for a long time... trying to comfort her... trying to find something that would ease her mind and body... it took about an hour and a half....I watched them...together... not sure if I should leave to give them some time... but I just watched them from the bed I had been sleeping in... he was so gentle with her... after she calmed down, dad headed back upstairs to try to get some extra sleep... mom hadn't gone to sleep when dad went upstairs, even though I thought she had... she kept complaining of not being comfortable and after a few attempts to help her get comfy, she asked to sit on the edge of the bed.... it is so hard, because I want to honor her and help her do what she wants to do.. but... it's hard to move her by myself and makes me nervous... but after some careful calculating, I was able to get her sitting up... and while sitting up she told me that she was scared when she had been sick earlier... I told her I knew....it is so hard for her to speak... and even harder for us to understand what she is trying to say... but we try... after a while of sitting up she again started asking where my dad and sister were... and again suggested that we were up to something, that she knew something was going on and she would figure it out... she then got pretty assertive and told me to go wake up my sister and my dad... I told her they would be up soon and she told me to get them...she also had asked for some water... so I left her sitting on the edge of the bed, propped up with many pillows.... and about that time I heard dad stirring upstairs... so I told mom dad was coming and that seemed to sooth her again.... and he convinced her to lay back down...

She rested for a short time until the hospice nurse got here... and she talked to mom about meds and how we were not overmedicating her, in fact it sounded like more medication would be warranted given the level of agitation... mom seemed to understand what the nurse said...but...we'll see. I asked the nurse if we needed to change the approach of giving her meds... if we should say to her, it is time for your medicine and give it to her and not ask her if she wants it. The nurse said, yes. Not long after the nurse was here the health care aid was here to get mom cleaned up... it was a hard process today because mom winced in pain each time we moved her to clean her and to change the bed with her in it... that is hard to see...

After she left the hospice social worker came by... a woman who has spoken to my parents regularly since hospice services began. Mom was resting at that point so she wanted to speak with my dad, sister, and me... I knew she would be coming, and I had thought about leaving so that I wasn't here when she was... but I felt like I should stay.. but I knew that she would ask how I was doing and I didn't want to fall apart... so... we all sat around the dining room table and she talked about her prior visits with my mom and dad... and then said that she wanted to know how we were doing, and she looked at me and asked... how are you doing? In my head I answered her by saying, how the hell do you think I am doing? You're the social worker you know what people feel when their losing their mother... but outwardly I said nothing and began crying... while trying not to cry... which for me translates into this horrible semi hyperventalating thing... and she droned on about the process of grief... and explained that she would be in touch with dad for a year after mom's death to help him through the grieving process... and said that resources were also available to my sister and I... at one point, my dad was crying and said that he worries about my sister and I...but more about me because I am alone...(my mom has always said that too...when we lost my grandmother... that they worried most about me because I didn't have someone, like a husband, to lean on...) that upset me more... that dad is worrying about me... this is hardest on him... I don't want him to worry about me... he would like me to talk to someone like a grief counselor... and I don't want to... my sister wants me to as well...and I just don't feel like that is something I want right now. I have support... I have a lot of friends who are very supportive... and there is a part of me that believes that grief is a very personal and private thing...

After she left... I headed upstairs to take a nap... I was wiped out from being up since 3:30 a.m. and needed some time to myself... just as he had done when I was a kid, dad came up to check on me... and at that point I was in full hyperventalation mode... trying to talk between my hyperventalations... I told him I didn't want him to have to worry about me because I was single... and he gets it... but still worries... he's my dad, he's going to worry. I told him how much I hate this, for him... and that it wasn't supposed to be this way... they were supposed to go to Alaska.... we cried together and he left my room... not long after my sister came in to check on me as well... so much for time alone... but I appreciate them wanting to check on me... and they know how hard this is because they are going through it too... granted each of our bonds with mom is different, but we all love her and our lives will be, already are, changed forever. Eventually I did fall asleep.. and rested for a couple of hours.

Meanwhile mom had been resting, quite well, and when I got up she was sleeping pretty good.... then close to 5:30...sis had left to go pick up food for dinner and mom started throwing up again... the vomit was dark, very dark... and the same sounds from 3:30 this morning returned, gasping for air, pain, wincing, fear... all combined...though this time mom was not really conscious... Dad called out mom's name and told her it was ok... Dad was in panic mode and called hospice for help... not sure what to expect... we stood over mom as she was sick a bit more and then struggled to get her breath... and we administered some meds that are supposed to help dry out her mouth and throat... and it seemed to help. After a little bit,after Sis had returned, dad just kept telling mom that we all loved her, that it was okay to let go, that we were all here...and he said, nobody should have to go through this... mom's breathing was very deep, but staggered... I thought a couple of times that she was gone... but she hung on...again.... the nurse finally arrived at 7:00 and told us what we already knew...that there is nothing we can do to stop that kind of vomiting. Because it was so dark, that means that it is most likely blood... the tumor has most likely progressed into her stomach and her body is bleeding internally not necessarily a huge amount, but some... and that the body won't digest blood, so the only way to get rid of it is to throw up... so chances are we will relive this again...

It's awful. We have increased the frequency of her dosages in meds... and I hope she gets some rest. Dad agreed to sleep up in his own bed again tonight and I will again sleep in the living room with mom... I don't want to witness a similar scene again... but... it's bound to happen... and I don't have a choice but to deal with it as it happens...

Several people have sent emails about sending their prayers to mom and to our family... and that means nothing to me...if it comforts them... that's fine I guess.... someone said that through her pain, God feels pain, and that God wouldn't want someone to suffer... to me, that means that religion can always be translated into what we make it... if someone dies peacefully it is because God came to get them... but yet, when death is long, drawn out, and painful... God is enduring the pain with that person... I don't buy it. A merciful god... a god in whom my mother placed her faith...would not allow this to happen... to anyone....period.