Hard day... hard steps...

This morning the hospice nurse came... she put in a catheter so mom doesn't have to get up as much... I think it's easier and safer for her and for us...the nurse then talked to us about questions we may have had and about what to expect as things progress... Dad asked about what he needs to do when she dies... he had a couple of choices... he could call hospice who could then in turn call the funeral home and mom's doctor or he could call hospice and the funeral home and her doctor... dad thought the one call would be easiest... but in order to do that the funeral home would need to be aware of what the wishes/arrangements were... as a family we have talked about it... and are all ok with the plan... mom wants to be cremated....there is not going to be visiting hours or a funeral....but there will be some sort of gathering at her church... however those plans had not been set up with the funeral home. I got such a heavy feeling in my stomach when I knew dad was going to have to make that call/visit to do that... how hard that would be for him. Awful... just awful...

It had been an emotional morning after the nurse was here and dad and I were both trying to be strong for each other and for mom... but we had our moments...my sister arrived around 1:30 and I was relieved to see her arrive. She and dad talked for a minute in the kitchen about the plans for when mom dies and dad got weepy and went into the dining room and sat at a window looking out across the back yard... I followed him, hugged him from behind and told him I loved him and offered to go with him to the funeral home... he said no and there was part of me that was so relieved that he said no... but also didn't want him to go alone...as he was getting ready to go I offered again and again he said no... I debated in that moment if I should have just said I was going too... or if I should let him make that move on his own... I didn't know what was right... and I stayed here... as he was getting ready to go there, one of our dear family friends came by... and she is one of those people who can make my dad cry... we all have those people in our lives... around whom we can't hold it together...that it is always safe to break down with... for dad, Donna is one of those people. She has been there for our family through a lot... she was with us as Gramie lost her battle to cancer... and she has been with us as mom fought and is losing her battle to cancer...and is going to handle the details of the gathering we have after mom dies... I was glad she came by...and her timing was good. She got here and talked with dad for a bit..then dad headed to the funeral home and she stayed to visit with mom for a while...and was still here when dad came back. When she left Dad walked her out... and it gave him a chance to talk to her privately... outside he did not have to be the strong husband and dad he feels he has to be inside the house...

This evening my sister and I got a chance to leave the house together to get dinner and it gave us a chance to talk. I am thankful that she and I have been so candid with each other. We have each had thoughts about things which I won't share here, but each of us felt bad about what we were thinking... and we have shared them with each other and eerily our thoughts are similar.... so having her here is comforting... feels less lonely.

Dad is letting me do something for him tonight and I am grateful.. he is sleeping in his own bed and I am sleeping downstairs in the living room with my mom. I have offered this each night and he has refused... but I wanted to keep offering... and am glad that he took me up on the offer... at least I think I am glad...