Details you may or may not need/want to know...

Forgive me if this entry is scattered, I'm not quite sure what exactly I need to say, but I have a lot of thoughts in my head, things I don't want to forget even though one day I hope they are hard to remember... so here I go...

The day my mother died was, in some ways, more calm for us than previous days had been. The hospice nurse had come the night before after mom had been vomiting and the nurse administered some medication to her to help keep her more comfortable and hopefully reduce any nausea. As the nurse administered the medication mom needed to lie on her side, a very hard and uncomfortable thing for her to do... I helped get her into that position and knelt beside her kind of side hugging her to keep her from rolling over... and she was uncomfortable... I put my forehead to hers and told her I was sorry that it hurt and that it would make the pain lessen.... and she kind of shook her head... I told her that I loved her and I did hear a faint reply... a breathless "I Know..." When the nurse finished administering the meds, I helped reposition her in bed... and because she had been vomiting the nurse agreed that leaving her in a more upright position would be best... which was hard because before that mom had founf that position quite uncomfortable... so you play these games with yourself in a situation like that, are we doing it for mom or for us... we didn't want her to get sick again, for her sake and for ours...and keeping her in a more upright position...would perhaps reduce that risk.... but we knew that sitting up had become increasingly difficult for mom.... but we did it... The nurse told us to keep her medicated, as much as we thought she needed or at least every two hours. Dad, I could tell, felt unsure about that... some guilt about it... and was unsure if he was now going to be doing what mom had wondered if we were doing, overmedicating her. But as I posted in a brief entry, we talked about conversations we had with mom when her mother was so ill...and in our heads we knew that's what mom wanted... but in our hearts, you wonder... will medicating her like this mean that we have had our last conversations with her, that she has recognized us for the last time, that she won't hear us anymore.... and those are hard questions to answer because there are so many lasts in this process... and even though the truth of what is going to happen is staring you in the face, you cherish it all, every moment... every raise of her eyebrows made us believe she knew us or understood us...so would the medication take away the last pieces of the woman we loved so much? It was possible... and we knew that... but we also knew that Mom's agitation somehow meant she was fearful and we hated that for her. So... after the nurse left, dad waited a while and when two hours was getting close he asked us if we thought he should give it to her even though she seemed to be resting well at that point... My sister and I both encouraged dad to follow the nurse's advice, to keep the meds at even intervals to stave off any pain... so he gave the meds to her... I think that was the first time he gave her meds while she was sleeping... and as he gave them to her, calmly told her what he was doing. Her body reacted by trying to swallow the liquids... and she stirred slightly... but she was calm and remained resting... After that Dad decided to go upstairs to bed... taking me up on my offer of staying with mom in the living room.

I had a lot of fear about making that offer...and more fear about it being accepted... I wanted dad to take me up on the offer because he needed to sleep... but I had knots in my stomach... not sure if I could see mom get sick again, HEAR her get sick like that again...and I hoped that she wouldn't.....I really did not want more of those images in my head... there were already enough of them there...and I was getting to an emotional breaking point... but I felt honored that dad was comfortable with me being with mom that night...or that he knew he needed a break from it all and allowed this to be his opportunity... but I was nervous. My sister stayed up with me for quite a while that night... with me as I gave mom her 11:00 meds.... and I stayed up until about 1 a.m. when I gave mom another dose before trying to get a little sleep... she was unaware of me giving her meds, but like dad had done, I talked to her to let her know what was happening... and used the syringe type thing and the eyedropper thing to give her the medication... her body didn't react as quickly to swallow the meds... they are designed to be absorbed into the skin in your mouth, but if is starts to go down your throat... you swallow... and there was a small sound of her body almost choking a bit as the meds went down her throat... and I was nervous that she would be sick... but she wasn't. And she did seem peaceful... her eyes remained open during this time, even though she was sleeping/unconscious... so I went to sleep, setting my alarm for 3 and again for 5 to get up and medicate mom.... and I did... each time talking to her telling her we all loved her...and that it was okay to let go... telling her she had fought so hard, and that when she got too tired to fight, she could just let go... Dad was up pretty early and gave her the next dose of meds...and mom seemed to respond slightly to his voice first thing in the morning... and that was her last response that we could tell... As the day progressed my sister and I sat in the living room surfing the web, keeping an eye on mom and dad... and dad was restless... and after he gave her the meds he would need to go outside or something for a few minutes... I am sure mulling over the decision to keep her medicated.... whenever possible I tried to give her the meds because in some way I hoped it would be easier on Dad to not be the only one following the med schedule... When Saturday evening rolled around, Dad wanted to stay with mom that night... He had been keeping a close eye on her and had noticed subtle changes in her breathing. Sis and I headed upstairs around 8:30 or 9:00 and were chatting back and forth... I was sitting on my parents' bed and could hear that dad was moving around a lot downstairs... I heard him say over and over, "It's ok...I'm here, the girls are here, it's ok...you can go now." And he started saying that more often... and around 10:30 I heard Dad sobbing...and signaled my sister in her bedroom and we headed down the stairs... Mom's color was so different than it had been only a couple hours earlier... her lips... really stuck out to me...they had been pink earlier, but had become so faint...no color really...and her breathing....was very labored...and the time between breaths was increasing.... Dad was on his knees at her bedside... calling her name, telling her we were all there with her.... and the three of us sat there watching my mother's life disappear...Dad reached out to my sister and I then back to mom, back to us, not knowing who he should hold.... and then she took her last breath... eyes still open, mouth agape... and my father put his hand on her heart and we all wept...Dad reached up to try to close her eyes, but it didn't work... they should tell people that... that people's eyes don't shut easily after such a long time of being open....death doesn't look like it does on television, eyes and mouth closed like someone is sleeping...we all sat there for a while... and I don't remember which one of us asked about who to call... but dad got up and called hospice... and then we called my parents best friends, Donna and Kenny, who came and sat with us until after mom's body was taken from the house... It took a while for the hospice nurse to arrive....but once she did she called the funeral home....and removed mom's catheter....and she waited with us... we all sat in the living room... waiting... and there was some laughter though I don't remember how it came about....somewhere there were also a couple of other phone calls, to mom's sister, to dad's sister, to my brother in law... and to my friend Sara... The funeral home crew arrived... I don't even know what time that was... and one of my high school friends, who is part owner of the funeral home, came to get my mother's body... it's strange...but I found comfort that one of my friends was taking her...that we were not giving her to strangers... When she arrived I encouraged my dad to go sit in the dining room and not watch them take mom away... but he said he wanted to be there... so I stood close to him, arm around his waist... somewhat afraid that he may collapse...or maybe I was afraid I would... and they brought in the stretcher... and the white plastic sheet... and before they started to move her Dad asked about mom's wedding band... and was told it didn't need to stay on mom...and so I took her wedding ring off and handed it to dad... that was a hard moment...then they lifted mom's frail body onto the gurney and folded the plastic over her... I was relieved that she wasn't put into one of those black body bags shown on television and zipped up inside of it.... but it was hard to see her covered, strapped upon a gurney... leaving her house....it was hard...

Sis and I stayed up late that night... but had quickly gotten dad upstairs to bed as he was having some back spasms and we were afraid if he sat back down he wouldn't get back up... so we got him upstairs, and gave him some pain meds for his back....and we stayed up for a while... until we thought he was asleep... during those couple hours we both emailed friends and posted things on facebook because we didn't know what else to do with ourselves... and of course word travelled quickly. As we stayed up... I kept looking over at the empty hospital bed... and hated it... what it represented when mom was in it and what it represented then... being empty...

Eventually my sister and I went to bed... thgough I don't think either of us got any good rest.

Sunday Dad, Sis, and I went to the funeral home to see my high school friend, to answer some questions for the death certificate and obituary... I was so proud of my father... he had written down specific things that he wanted to make sure were mentioned in her obituary... including...that he and mom were best friends... that got me... he did so well in helping to find ways to honor her life through her notice of death.... we also had to determine when we were going to have the gathering at the churchso it could be printed in the paper.... and Dad wanted it as soon as possible... so did my sister and I... So... Tuesday was the day we decided...

We went back to my parents house and notified people of our plans.... most people were thankful for us telling them... but unfortunately, there was also some drama....one family member disagreed with our choice and made it a very difficult morning... and I am unsure if I will ever forgive this person...for the actions chosen to take that day... but we got through it... of course still without an apology, but... no matter... we did what was right by mom, and right for my dad, and that is all that is important to me.

I called Sara again and asked he if she could please be there for me Tuesday... I wasn't sure I could do it without at least one of my closest friends... and she said she would be there, of course. I was relieved... A few other close friends were going to come as well... and others who were travelling offered to change their plans to be there... and I appreciate it, but wanted them to keep their plans, knowing I would see them soon... Rico offered to come... and that was very touching to me... and had the location of the small rural Maine town been close to one of the airports he could have easily flown into, I would have accepted his offer, but... it really didn't make sense to jum through so many hoops to get there... and it will be better to have time with him...away from some of the confusion...after a little time has passed....

Later on Sunday Sara called me... to ask if she could come on Monday instead of Tuesday and stay for a few days... that gesture... meant so much to me... she knew I needed someone with me...her to be with me... and I felt so loved right then...so loved....

So Sunday was spent fielding phone calls, making phone calls to people my dad wanted to make sure were notified from our family, not from the paper... and I'm not sure what else we did that day... but we got through it...