Back to work...

I had been away from my job since April 10th... in the midst of that the kids had a week vacation ... so I missed 7 days of work... which seems like a lot more. I had planned to take Monday and Tuesday of this week off because I had a couple of meetings that I Was supposed to chair and given my emotions, did not want that responsibility... fortunately one of my colleagues did the meetings for me. I had a lot of anxiety about the idea of going back to work... to face my colleagues...my friends... and my students... I knew I would be emotional about it all.. and I know on some level that it's ok to be emotional... but... there is a level of professionalism that I want to maintain... I think that's more my pride than anything else... the idea of going to work today to face everyone at once was a lot... so I decided to stop by school yesterday afternoon... to see a few people who I knew would hug me and I knew would make me cry... and I wanted to see some of the kids.

As I drove to my school my stomach was in knots...I had skipped lunch because I was anxious, very unusual for me to NOT eat in stressful times... and when I got into the parking lot, I didn't quite know what to do with myself... so I took a deep breath and stepped out of my truck... the first person I spoke with was the school custodian... who may or may not know what's been going on... he simply asked, in a rhetorical manner, if I was going through a rough time... I summoned a smile and said, yes...but it will get better... and he said it was good to see me... I then headed to the office to put some cards in a few mailboxes... and ran into a few other people... and eventually made it to my classroom... where I was attacked by 8 sixth graders... who insisted upon hugging me... they were in the midst of writing cards to me, an idea of the woman who assists me in that class... and their words were very sweet... each of them wanted me to read their card aloud and I told them that I was too emotional to do that, but I would read each of them in their presence... and I did... and I got weepy... One girl said to me... "You know... you probably want to just stay inside by yourself... but your mom would want you to get outside and do stuff." How true... that group of kids said they had a lot of questions, and I gave them permission to ask me anything and told them that if I was uncomfortable I wouldn't answer them... they wanted to know if I was with my mom when she died... and were curious what that was like... I told them I was with her... and that it was very hard... that her breathing got slower and slower... and then she died... those answers seemed to pacify their curiosity... for now.... and I am ok with that...

I then got a chance to visit with my assistant who is an amazing person... she and I have worked together for at least 5 years now... she has a close relationship with her mom, like I had with mine... and she has talked to me a lot, listened even more... but has had a hard time with it all because she tells me that she can't even imagine what it would be like if it was her and her mom... but it was really good to talk with her... I then greeted a couple of other people who awkwardly said welcome back... and then I made sure I saw another woman... who lost her mother to cancer this fall... in a manner not unlike how we lost mom... professionally we do not see eye to eye, but... that's all out the window when it comes to losing our moms... she is a little older than mom was and her mother was in her 70's when she passed in the fall...Mom's age has struck a chord with this woman and she has said to me that it has been hard for her to deal with at her age, which she recognizes as being a much more natural timeline, and can't imagine being 33 and losing her mother like I have... we cried together and she gets it... she really does... and she got very choked up when she told me she had found mom's obituary and had read it to her own daughter....again mom's youth really upset her...

So after seeing some folks at work... I came home... then went to dinner with a friend and her husband... and had a very large margarita...mmmmm... today my alarms went off and I had a moment of considering staying in bed... but... I knew I had to get up... and I did... I went to work... saw more people... got a little weepy at times... but did ok.. but I was pretty exhausted by the end of it all... and skipped the staff meeting... couldn't face all of my coworkers all in the same room... feeling like they were all feeling sorry for me... just couldn't do it... so I went home... got my gym clothes... went to Walmart, bought some flowers to plant outside, went to the gym and did the elliptical machine (with inhaler close by just in case... but didn't need it)... came home and planted some flowers... and realize I need to buy some gardening gloves because no matter how much soap and water... potting soil is hard to remove...

I am tired... but glad today is behind me.

In the meantime...

I want to continue writing about the days after mom died, and the day of the gathering, but just haven't yet... Meanwhile...

I took today off, and am taking tomorrow off as well... bereavement days... I am dreading going back to work to face people... I know people care about me and want to help..but it is going to be overwhelming... my plan is to go in tomorrow afternoon shortly before kids are dismissed and see some of the kids and some of the adults... I think that will make Weds. a little easier on me... but it makes me sick to my stomach... maybe because facing everyone is another step toward this being real...

Yesterday I had a hard day... just couldn't get relaxed... I did some work for school in the morning then wanted to do something, go somewhere... but wasn't sure where... I headed toward the beach, turned around, came home, then left again, for the ocean... I sat on the rocks listening and watching the waves crash... something I can usually get lost in and feel comforted by... but it didn't work... and I felt, all day, like I was on the verge of crying... I wasn't really trying to hold it back either, but it just didn't come... A few tears streamed down my face here and there, but... I don't know.. it was just kind of strange... for someone who tries to process everything and figure things out... my emotions yesterday escape me... I don't like that... I ended up taking a long afternoon nap and had dinner delivered... didn't help much... one of my favorite foods didn't taste good to me...

Today was a little better...I eventually got to sleep...with a little help from ambien... and slept in this morning... eventually git up, ran some errands and then just wanted to be home... it was a beautiful day, so I should have wanted to be out doing something, but wanted to be home... and took another nap.... with the cats... my cats do provide some comfort... they are always close by...

I am starting to have a hard time thinking ahead to mother's day weekend... It will be a hard weekend... not only is it mother's day, but it will also be my birthday... which I shared with my mom... so... that will be hard... I talked about that a little with dad today and got weepy with him... which I am sure he doesn't need... Ugh...

More...

The rest of that Sunday is kind of a blur...my sister and I talked about the gathering for mom and talked about how hard it was going to be on my dad to see his family... how emotional it would be for him to see his mother and siblings, including in-laws....so we decided that we should invite them to the house before the church gathering for lunch... to give dad the chance to unite with them privately. Without asking dad, we called one of our aunts and told her of our plan, which she was fully behind... we later told dad of our actions and he didn't say too much... but I think in some ways he was relieved... I remember Dad going to bed that night, his voice cracking as he said good night to my sister and I and thanked us for our help that day...another gift my parents gave us and each other, always letting each other know how much they appreciate things... always saying please and thank you... Dad had nothing to thank us for... he did amazing...he was strong...

Monday came... and with it some anticipation... of the gathering to be held Tuesday, the luncheon beforehand, plus Monday's arrival of my brother in law, nephews, and Sara... My brother in law and nephews arrived around 1:30 in the afternoon and Sara arrived not long after... Sis and her boys went for a walk to give her a chance to talk with her husband and to let her kids have a way to expend some energy. When Sara arrived, she and I headed to the grocery store to get food for Tuesday... I was so thankful to have her with me... going to the grocery store in a small town means seeing so many people who know you... and in this case, knew my mom had died... so having Sara there to help keep me calm and help me locate things we needed was a huge help... which for the record... grocery shopping in a store where you don't know where everything is can be very overwhelming after the death of a loved one... fewer people approached me than I expected, but the few that did was enough.

We returned to my parents' house...do I now say my dad's house? I'm not sure of what I should call it now... but that will come I suppose... not long after we got to the house, the hospital bed company arrived to take the bed... thank goodness... I was so happy to see that thing go... as they were leaving one of my best friends, Todd, came out to visit. Todd was my best friend in high school, when he got married I stood up with him as his best person... and while our contact has not been regular over the years, we are still close... and it meant a lot that he came to the house... I know it wasn't an easy visit for him... he knew my parents well and together we made my mom laugh... He and Sara and I headed out on the back deck and visited... they just listened to me really... droning on and on about who knows what... One of my parents' friends dropped off dinner, lasagna, salad, and garlic bread... Todd left after a while...Sara and I started getting food ready for the next day... and my nephews asked me to go outside with them for a while... so Sara and I went outside with the boys... who just wanted to explore the back yard... I helped them climb a tree and knew they were still pretty hyper... they had spent a lot of time trapped in the care in the previous week... travelling from their home to their other grandparents house in western NY, then back to their house, then up to Maine... so I had an idea to get them a little tired... the back yard was covered with pinecones... and dad had said it would take some time to get rid of all of them, so I decided to pay my nephews to dispose of them... so... I set it up that I would time them for 10 minutes... and during that time they had to throw as many pinecones into the woods as possible... for every pinecone that made it into the woods would be worth 2 cents... They loved the idea! Before starting they asked questions about how many cones they could carry at once and the rule was as many as they could handle... they also wanted to know how I was going to keep track of how many they each had thrown, and the answer was easy... I said, they needed to yell out their total number as they threw them into the woods and as a teacher I was able to easily keep track of such things... (wink wink) so their totals would be easily tracked.... so I lined them all up and yelled, "GO!" and they did... running back and forth back and forth heaving the pinecones into the woods. I admit that I didn't keep exact time... but after a while I was laughing so hard...my middle nephew wiped out a few times, slipping on the leaves but it didn't stop him... I called up to the house and told my sister to get dad to the window to see the craziness, not knowing they were all already watching wondering what was going on... After time was up (or close to up...) we headed inside and I had to pay up... these kids wanted the cash and wanted it right then... I think that round cost me between six and seven dollars...it was fun... After dinner we headed out for round two of the pinecone round up... this time Auntie was smarter... I paid by the bagful... and there was a minimum requirement of 15 pinecones per bag (which earned 5 cents), bags containing 25 pinecones were worth 10 cents... and any bagful that was acquired furthest from the woods earned a 2 cent bonus... This time dad came outside with us...again the kids went nuts, running back and forth collecting and dumping the pinecones... although at one point the youngest took a break to throw the bag in the air a few times and watched it fall slowly... but they did amazing... hundreds of pinecones were tossed into the woods. And dad laughed at the sight of them... it was nice to hear him laugh... Fortunately for me, this method was a lot more economical... however my nephews realized less work meant less money... and they begged for round three but wanted to negotiate the terms... smart kids... too bad we didn't get time for round three...

So in the midst of life being turned upside down... kids want to be kids... and mom would have loved it...

Details you may or may not need/want to know...

Forgive me if this entry is scattered, I'm not quite sure what exactly I need to say, but I have a lot of thoughts in my head, things I don't want to forget even though one day I hope they are hard to remember... so here I go...

The day my mother died was, in some ways, more calm for us than previous days had been. The hospice nurse had come the night before after mom had been vomiting and the nurse administered some medication to her to help keep her more comfortable and hopefully reduce any nausea. As the nurse administered the medication mom needed to lie on her side, a very hard and uncomfortable thing for her to do... I helped get her into that position and knelt beside her kind of side hugging her to keep her from rolling over... and she was uncomfortable... I put my forehead to hers and told her I was sorry that it hurt and that it would make the pain lessen.... and she kind of shook her head... I told her that I loved her and I did hear a faint reply... a breathless "I Know..." When the nurse finished administering the meds, I helped reposition her in bed... and because she had been vomiting the nurse agreed that leaving her in a more upright position would be best... which was hard because before that mom had founf that position quite uncomfortable... so you play these games with yourself in a situation like that, are we doing it for mom or for us... we didn't want her to get sick again, for her sake and for ours...and keeping her in a more upright position...would perhaps reduce that risk.... but we knew that sitting up had become increasingly difficult for mom.... but we did it... The nurse told us to keep her medicated, as much as we thought she needed or at least every two hours. Dad, I could tell, felt unsure about that... some guilt about it... and was unsure if he was now going to be doing what mom had wondered if we were doing, overmedicating her. But as I posted in a brief entry, we talked about conversations we had with mom when her mother was so ill...and in our heads we knew that's what mom wanted... but in our hearts, you wonder... will medicating her like this mean that we have had our last conversations with her, that she has recognized us for the last time, that she won't hear us anymore.... and those are hard questions to answer because there are so many lasts in this process... and even though the truth of what is going to happen is staring you in the face, you cherish it all, every moment... every raise of her eyebrows made us believe she knew us or understood us...so would the medication take away the last pieces of the woman we loved so much? It was possible... and we knew that... but we also knew that Mom's agitation somehow meant she was fearful and we hated that for her. So... after the nurse left, dad waited a while and when two hours was getting close he asked us if we thought he should give it to her even though she seemed to be resting well at that point... My sister and I both encouraged dad to follow the nurse's advice, to keep the meds at even intervals to stave off any pain... so he gave the meds to her... I think that was the first time he gave her meds while she was sleeping... and as he gave them to her, calmly told her what he was doing. Her body reacted by trying to swallow the liquids... and she stirred slightly... but she was calm and remained resting... After that Dad decided to go upstairs to bed... taking me up on my offer of staying with mom in the living room.

I had a lot of fear about making that offer...and more fear about it being accepted... I wanted dad to take me up on the offer because he needed to sleep... but I had knots in my stomach... not sure if I could see mom get sick again, HEAR her get sick like that again...and I hoped that she wouldn't.....I really did not want more of those images in my head... there were already enough of them there...and I was getting to an emotional breaking point... but I felt honored that dad was comfortable with me being with mom that night...or that he knew he needed a break from it all and allowed this to be his opportunity... but I was nervous. My sister stayed up with me for quite a while that night... with me as I gave mom her 11:00 meds.... and I stayed up until about 1 a.m. when I gave mom another dose before trying to get a little sleep... she was unaware of me giving her meds, but like dad had done, I talked to her to let her know what was happening... and used the syringe type thing and the eyedropper thing to give her the medication... her body didn't react as quickly to swallow the meds... they are designed to be absorbed into the skin in your mouth, but if is starts to go down your throat... you swallow... and there was a small sound of her body almost choking a bit as the meds went down her throat... and I was nervous that she would be sick... but she wasn't. And she did seem peaceful... her eyes remained open during this time, even though she was sleeping/unconscious... so I went to sleep, setting my alarm for 3 and again for 5 to get up and medicate mom.... and I did... each time talking to her telling her we all loved her...and that it was okay to let go... telling her she had fought so hard, and that when she got too tired to fight, she could just let go... Dad was up pretty early and gave her the next dose of meds...and mom seemed to respond slightly to his voice first thing in the morning... and that was her last response that we could tell... As the day progressed my sister and I sat in the living room surfing the web, keeping an eye on mom and dad... and dad was restless... and after he gave her the meds he would need to go outside or something for a few minutes... I am sure mulling over the decision to keep her medicated.... whenever possible I tried to give her the meds because in some way I hoped it would be easier on Dad to not be the only one following the med schedule... When Saturday evening rolled around, Dad wanted to stay with mom that night... He had been keeping a close eye on her and had noticed subtle changes in her breathing. Sis and I headed upstairs around 8:30 or 9:00 and were chatting back and forth... I was sitting on my parents' bed and could hear that dad was moving around a lot downstairs... I heard him say over and over, "It's ok...I'm here, the girls are here, it's ok...you can go now." And he started saying that more often... and around 10:30 I heard Dad sobbing...and signaled my sister in her bedroom and we headed down the stairs... Mom's color was so different than it had been only a couple hours earlier... her lips... really stuck out to me...they had been pink earlier, but had become so faint...no color really...and her breathing....was very labored...and the time between breaths was increasing.... Dad was on his knees at her bedside... calling her name, telling her we were all there with her.... and the three of us sat there watching my mother's life disappear...Dad reached out to my sister and I then back to mom, back to us, not knowing who he should hold.... and then she took her last breath... eyes still open, mouth agape... and my father put his hand on her heart and we all wept...Dad reached up to try to close her eyes, but it didn't work... they should tell people that... that people's eyes don't shut easily after such a long time of being open....death doesn't look like it does on television, eyes and mouth closed like someone is sleeping...we all sat there for a while... and I don't remember which one of us asked about who to call... but dad got up and called hospice... and then we called my parents best friends, Donna and Kenny, who came and sat with us until after mom's body was taken from the house... It took a while for the hospice nurse to arrive....but once she did she called the funeral home....and removed mom's catheter....and she waited with us... we all sat in the living room... waiting... and there was some laughter though I don't remember how it came about....somewhere there were also a couple of other phone calls, to mom's sister, to dad's sister, to my brother in law... and to my friend Sara... The funeral home crew arrived... I don't even know what time that was... and one of my high school friends, who is part owner of the funeral home, came to get my mother's body... it's strange...but I found comfort that one of my friends was taking her...that we were not giving her to strangers... When she arrived I encouraged my dad to go sit in the dining room and not watch them take mom away... but he said he wanted to be there... so I stood close to him, arm around his waist... somewhat afraid that he may collapse...or maybe I was afraid I would... and they brought in the stretcher... and the white plastic sheet... and before they started to move her Dad asked about mom's wedding band... and was told it didn't need to stay on mom...and so I took her wedding ring off and handed it to dad... that was a hard moment...then they lifted mom's frail body onto the gurney and folded the plastic over her... I was relieved that she wasn't put into one of those black body bags shown on television and zipped up inside of it.... but it was hard to see her covered, strapped upon a gurney... leaving her house....it was hard...

Sis and I stayed up late that night... but had quickly gotten dad upstairs to bed as he was having some back spasms and we were afraid if he sat back down he wouldn't get back up... so we got him upstairs, and gave him some pain meds for his back....and we stayed up for a while... until we thought he was asleep... during those couple hours we both emailed friends and posted things on facebook because we didn't know what else to do with ourselves... and of course word travelled quickly. As we stayed up... I kept looking over at the empty hospital bed... and hated it... what it represented when mom was in it and what it represented then... being empty...

Eventually my sister and I went to bed... thgough I don't think either of us got any good rest.

Sunday Dad, Sis, and I went to the funeral home to see my high school friend, to answer some questions for the death certificate and obituary... I was so proud of my father... he had written down specific things that he wanted to make sure were mentioned in her obituary... including...that he and mom were best friends... that got me... he did so well in helping to find ways to honor her life through her notice of death.... we also had to determine when we were going to have the gathering at the churchso it could be printed in the paper.... and Dad wanted it as soon as possible... so did my sister and I... So... Tuesday was the day we decided...

We went back to my parents house and notified people of our plans.... most people were thankful for us telling them... but unfortunately, there was also some drama....one family member disagreed with our choice and made it a very difficult morning... and I am unsure if I will ever forgive this person...for the actions chosen to take that day... but we got through it... of course still without an apology, but... no matter... we did what was right by mom, and right for my dad, and that is all that is important to me.

I called Sara again and asked he if she could please be there for me Tuesday... I wasn't sure I could do it without at least one of my closest friends... and she said she would be there, of course. I was relieved... A few other close friends were going to come as well... and others who were travelling offered to change their plans to be there... and I appreciate it, but wanted them to keep their plans, knowing I would see them soon... Rico offered to come... and that was very touching to me... and had the location of the small rural Maine town been close to one of the airports he could have easily flown into, I would have accepted his offer, but... it really didn't make sense to jum through so many hoops to get there... and it will be better to have time with him...away from some of the confusion...after a little time has passed....

Later on Sunday Sara called me... to ask if she could come on Monday instead of Tuesday and stay for a few days... that gesture... meant so much to me... she knew I needed someone with me...her to be with me... and I felt so loved right then...so loved....

So Sunday was spent fielding phone calls, making phone calls to people my dad wanted to make sure were notified from our family, not from the paper... and I'm not sure what else we did that day... but we got through it...

I'm leaving tomorrow, to return home... How do I do that? How do I pack up my stuff, get in my truck and say good bye to my father who has just lost his wife? How do I deal with tomorrow, the day after that...and the day after that?

I am a daughter without a mother... and my heart doesn't know what that means...

too much stuff

I have so much to say, so much in my head, but it isn't coming out well tonight... but... it will.

Not so small gathering...

One hundred and forty nine people signed the guestbook at the gathering to honor my mother... not quite a small intimate gathering... but... it was amazing to see that many people come out, in horrible weather, to hug us, grieve with us... I was pleasantly surprised that I knew most of the people there... and the ones I didn't know told me their names... Dad was overwhelmed by the crowd...pleased...

My mother, was an amazing person... someone today said... "You know, I don't think your mom ever met a stranger... nobody was a stranger to her... she made everyone feel included and comfortable..." That is very true... My mom was someone who was very sensitive about the feelings of other people... and always made sure to greet someone she had never met before as if they were a long lost friend... few people have that ability with such integrity and genuineness...

I will write more soon about the day... but I am exhausted and am going to call it a day... but... I was touched by the presence of so many people who cared about my mom...

Gathering together

Today we will honor my mom in a small gathering...mom didn't want a funeral, just wanted people to gather together to have some sense of closure. Family, friends, and strangers (to me, friends to my parents) will gather today to say good bye to an amazing woman...

One of my friends said to me, your mom lived a good life... which is something normally siad when an elderly person dies and death seems more natural... but it is a true statement... the amount of good that my mother did in her life... was way beyond what most people could do in hundreds of years... people will remember her... for her laughter, smile, sunny outlook, aristic abilities.... but most of all, for her love of her family.

Yesterday my friend, Sara, came up... and is staying until tomorrow... it has been so good to have here here... some of my other friends are making the trip up today as well.

Another significant step in all this... is that today my dad will see his mother and his siblings... and that is going to be sooo hard for him. We have invited his family to come to the house for lunch, before the gathering...so that dad can have a little privacy when seeing Grammie... He is so strong... but as I know all too well, the love of a mother is unlike anything else, and seeing his mom is going to make him fall apart... maybe not fall apart, but will allow him to have a soft place to land.


Wish me luck today..

Steps closer to reality

I know my mom died... we all know... but I think there have been moments when we have ... well... not forgotten, but where it hasn't been the sole focus.... but certain things make it more real... getting emails from friends I haven't seen in years...needing to make all the plans... inviting friends and loved ones to a gathering to honor her... all make it real.

I was online last night and one of my friends emailed me saying that the obituary was well written... We hadn't seen it yet... but there it was online... I read it... and it registered...but I think I read it more from an editor's perspective, making sure that all the information we had shared at the funeral home yesterday was included... and I thought reading it last night would mean I had overcome the sticker shock of seeing an obituary with my mother's name on it. But I got up this morning and the paper was here... the real, hard copy, of the paper...and I opened it up to the obituary section, not a section I have perused often, but that's where I was... and like most days, there were pictures of elderly people above their obituaries... and then it jumped out at me... Mom's obituary. Age 56... and it was like a slap in the face... or a shot in the heart... Ugh... that was hard...one more step in this process...

She's gone...

Not long after I posted my last entry... My sister and I were upstairs and I heard dad moving around a littlt... talking to mom... and then I heard him start sobbing... and we headed down... Mom's breathing had changed drastically... her color had changed... and we knew this was it...

My mother died at 11:00 p.m. My life is forever changed...

Calmer Day... still not easy

The good news of the day is that mom was comfortable today, at least as far as we can tell. She hasn't been conscious today and to out knowledge hasn't tried to communicate with us. The increase in medications have helped with the pain and agitation... but there is a part of each of us that wonders if we are doing the right thing... I keep going back to a conversation mom had when Gramie was dying... she said to us, that she did not want to be in pain...that if she was ever in a similar situation, that she wanted us to keep her out of pain... I reminded dad of that today... he is feeling guilty about medicating her... and I think that having her completely non communicative today is another step in losing her, and that has been hard for him... I tried to give her the doses today as much as I could so that he doesn't feel like he is the one giving it all to her... but tonight he wants to stay with her, and I understand that...

We'll see where we go from here...

Another Bad Day

I could have lived my life without today's experiences and been quite content...

It began at 3:30 this morning when I awoke to the sounds of my mother getting sick... it was scary because she was lying on her back and is unable to move herself... so I jumped out of bed and got to her quickly... as she continued to get sick... I wasn't sure what to do first...so I used the remote for the hospital bed to get her into a more upright position...I immediately feared that she would inhale the vomit... she was terrified... so was I.

The sounds that were involved were awful... after she stopped being sick I got her cleaned up as much as I could...new nightgown, washed up...etc... she was very upset...confused...and uncomfortable. She refused pain meds that I offered... and inquired why we were all giving her medication...she thought we were up to something...and vowed to get to the bottom of it. She then asked me where my dad and sister were and didn't believe me when I said they were upstairs.... mom said, "If daddy was here he would be down here." I again offered some meds and she refused...and kept asking about dad. I kept telling her dad was sleeping and she became more agitated... and didn't believe me...I asked her if she wanted me to wake him up and she was pretty adamant that I get him... so at 4:30 I hesitantly got dad... hated to wake him up, not wanting him to panic... but it seemed that without waking dad, mom was going to get even more upset...

Dad came down and managed to get her to take some pain meds...and sat with her for a long time... trying to comfort her... trying to find something that would ease her mind and body... it took about an hour and a half....I watched them...together... not sure if I should leave to give them some time... but I just watched them from the bed I had been sleeping in... he was so gentle with her... after she calmed down, dad headed back upstairs to try to get some extra sleep... mom hadn't gone to sleep when dad went upstairs, even though I thought she had... she kept complaining of not being comfortable and after a few attempts to help her get comfy, she asked to sit on the edge of the bed.... it is so hard, because I want to honor her and help her do what she wants to do.. but... it's hard to move her by myself and makes me nervous... but after some careful calculating, I was able to get her sitting up... and while sitting up she told me that she was scared when she had been sick earlier... I told her I knew....it is so hard for her to speak... and even harder for us to understand what she is trying to say... but we try... after a while of sitting up she again started asking where my dad and sister were... and again suggested that we were up to something, that she knew something was going on and she would figure it out... she then got pretty assertive and told me to go wake up my sister and my dad... I told her they would be up soon and she told me to get them...she also had asked for some water... so I left her sitting on the edge of the bed, propped up with many pillows.... and about that time I heard dad stirring upstairs... so I told mom dad was coming and that seemed to sooth her again.... and he convinced her to lay back down...

She rested for a short time until the hospice nurse got here... and she talked to mom about meds and how we were not overmedicating her, in fact it sounded like more medication would be warranted given the level of agitation... mom seemed to understand what the nurse said...but...we'll see. I asked the nurse if we needed to change the approach of giving her meds... if we should say to her, it is time for your medicine and give it to her and not ask her if she wants it. The nurse said, yes. Not long after the nurse was here the health care aid was here to get mom cleaned up... it was a hard process today because mom winced in pain each time we moved her to clean her and to change the bed with her in it... that is hard to see...

After she left the hospice social worker came by... a woman who has spoken to my parents regularly since hospice services began. Mom was resting at that point so she wanted to speak with my dad, sister, and me... I knew she would be coming, and I had thought about leaving so that I wasn't here when she was... but I felt like I should stay.. but I knew that she would ask how I was doing and I didn't want to fall apart... so... we all sat around the dining room table and she talked about her prior visits with my mom and dad... and then said that she wanted to know how we were doing, and she looked at me and asked... how are you doing? In my head I answered her by saying, how the hell do you think I am doing? You're the social worker you know what people feel when their losing their mother... but outwardly I said nothing and began crying... while trying not to cry... which for me translates into this horrible semi hyperventalating thing... and she droned on about the process of grief... and explained that she would be in touch with dad for a year after mom's death to help him through the grieving process... and said that resources were also available to my sister and I... at one point, my dad was crying and said that he worries about my sister and I...but more about me because I am alone...(my mom has always said that too...when we lost my grandmother... that they worried most about me because I didn't have someone, like a husband, to lean on...) that upset me more... that dad is worrying about me... this is hardest on him... I don't want him to worry about me... he would like me to talk to someone like a grief counselor... and I don't want to... my sister wants me to as well...and I just don't feel like that is something I want right now. I have support... I have a lot of friends who are very supportive... and there is a part of me that believes that grief is a very personal and private thing...

After she left... I headed upstairs to take a nap... I was wiped out from being up since 3:30 a.m. and needed some time to myself... just as he had done when I was a kid, dad came up to check on me... and at that point I was in full hyperventalation mode... trying to talk between my hyperventalations... I told him I didn't want him to have to worry about me because I was single... and he gets it... but still worries... he's my dad, he's going to worry. I told him how much I hate this, for him... and that it wasn't supposed to be this way... they were supposed to go to Alaska.... we cried together and he left my room... not long after my sister came in to check on me as well... so much for time alone... but I appreciate them wanting to check on me... and they know how hard this is because they are going through it too... granted each of our bonds with mom is different, but we all love her and our lives will be, already are, changed forever. Eventually I did fall asleep.. and rested for a couple of hours.

Meanwhile mom had been resting, quite well, and when I got up she was sleeping pretty good.... then close to 5:30...sis had left to go pick up food for dinner and mom started throwing up again... the vomit was dark, very dark... and the same sounds from 3:30 this morning returned, gasping for air, pain, wincing, fear... all combined...though this time mom was not really conscious... Dad called out mom's name and told her it was ok... Dad was in panic mode and called hospice for help... not sure what to expect... we stood over mom as she was sick a bit more and then struggled to get her breath... and we administered some meds that are supposed to help dry out her mouth and throat... and it seemed to help. After a little bit,after Sis had returned, dad just kept telling mom that we all loved her, that it was okay to let go, that we were all here...and he said, nobody should have to go through this... mom's breathing was very deep, but staggered... I thought a couple of times that she was gone... but she hung on...again.... the nurse finally arrived at 7:00 and told us what we already knew...that there is nothing we can do to stop that kind of vomiting. Because it was so dark, that means that it is most likely blood... the tumor has most likely progressed into her stomach and her body is bleeding internally not necessarily a huge amount, but some... and that the body won't digest blood, so the only way to get rid of it is to throw up... so chances are we will relive this again...

It's awful. We have increased the frequency of her dosages in meds... and I hope she gets some rest. Dad agreed to sleep up in his own bed again tonight and I will again sleep in the living room with mom... I don't want to witness a similar scene again... but... it's bound to happen... and I don't have a choice but to deal with it as it happens...

Several people have sent emails about sending their prayers to mom and to our family... and that means nothing to me...if it comforts them... that's fine I guess.... someone said that through her pain, God feels pain, and that God wouldn't want someone to suffer... to me, that means that religion can always be translated into what we make it... if someone dies peacefully it is because God came to get them... but yet, when death is long, drawn out, and painful... God is enduring the pain with that person... I don't buy it. A merciful god... a god in whom my mother placed her faith...would not allow this to happen... to anyone....period.

I want to get off this ride....

I've never liked roller coasters... actually it's not that I haven't liked them, it's that I am afraid of them. I have no desire to get on something that travels at ridiculous speeds around sharp corners, slows down while creeping up a huge incline only to zoom down the other side, hangs upside down, and whose sole motivation is to scare the crap out of people...something that people see as defeated if they manage to not vomit during it's torture...

So, here I am, on the biggest roller coaster I have ever imagined...I doubt I will make it through this ride without throwing up...which means I am not going to defeat this ride. There have been so many ups and downs throughout this journey with mom... more downs than ups really... we are at the end of the ride... I can see the end of the tracks... but just when I think the cart is slowing down, we turn another corner...

Yesterday mom was pretty much non communicative... the few times she said anything, she complained of discomfort... her back is sore...her feet are sore...she said she just wanted to sleep....which is what she did yesterday... slept... her breathing patterns were irregular... and we all sensed that things were close to the final platform... Dad was... in sort of a circling pattern... didn't dare to leave her... kept getting up from his chair and sitting with her... caressing her arm... watching her breathe...and not breathe... Just since I have been here Friday... there have been several times when I thought she was gone...and I am sure my dad and sister have had similar moments... yesterday, with guilt, I hoped she had died... that's one of the ugly bolts of this ride... I do hope that mom will die... and soon... for people who have not witnessed something like this, that may sound callous, but for those who have witnessed it...understand feeling that way... I am saying it out loud...

I've often said on here that "normal" is a stupid word... because normal is not consistent... it is always changing... things that are abnormal become routine... without knowing the structure of my parents house it may be hard to picture... but the first floor has the living room, kitchen and dining room... and mom has been sleeping in the living room...so has dad...I have been sleeping upstairs in my parents bed... which is in an open area of the hallway (moved there due to dripping ceilings early in the winter..) So... from their bed I hear what is happening down here, unless I am sleeping soundly... which hasn't been happening. So I have heard dad, with mom, in the mornings... dad's soft voice trying to sooth mom as he administers her medications...this morning... was different...outside of what has been 'routine' over the last week.... I heard dad moving around, heard him sitting in the squeaky chair next to her bed...but I did not hear his voice... and my imagination wondered if mom had died and dad was having some quiet time with her, not wanting to wake my sister and I to tell us... with my bladder screaming for relief I stayed in bed listening... hearing the chair squeaking as dad repositioned himself...no voices...no whisper.... just the sounds of the chair...and I waited...not knowing... do I get up and go down to be there for dad, or do I give him time with her.... so I waited... and then I heard the softest whisper... dad asking mom if she wanted some pain medicine.... and my day began...

The morning has been rough so far... mom is very uncomfortable...one woman from hospice came to clean her up then we had one of the nurses come to change the bags that collect the drainage from mom's open wounds... mom was very uncomfortable during that process and said, "just put me to sleep..." She has held on so long....I really don't know how she is still alive... her body has betrayed her on so many levels... she doens't even have the strength to speak...so why, how is she still alive? And why isn't she at least comfortable...maybe today's discussion with the nurse will lead to medication given more frequently...in higher doses... I have told her it's okay to not fight anymore...I'm not sure if dad has...

This ride... to which none of us bought tickets... has beaten me... I give.... consider me having thrown up...

Time....

Time is slipping away...

Crystal ball?

Current circumstances make me wonder about the future.... my sister and I were talking about this tonight... whose genes do we have? what is the fate of our health? Can what we do now change anything in the future? There is fear of dying young, like mom is dying... and I fear dying old and alone...I feel like the luck I have means that I will watch the important people in my life die and be left as the last one...and die alone... if my future holds this kind of illness... I am not sure if I want to get married... that whole in sickness and in health vow... If I had any say in the matter I would never want a spouse to have to witness their loved one go through this... then as I have been thinking about it... I wonder... about what kind of personal ad should be written about me...

Female seeking male...
Description of female:
tall, outgoing woman, likes sporting events, spending time with friends, and working with kids. She has a high likelihood of dying from a long battle with cancer, a horrible end to a wonderful life possibly as early as age 56.
Seeking:
outgoing male who is tall in character. Must be intelligent, funny, and up for adventure. Must be willing to watch someone die a slow, torturous death to most likely include holding puke bucket, administering medications, and tolerating horrible smells 24 hours a day...

What sane man wouldn't answer THAT personal ad?...

outside the bubble..

Things here are pretty intense and it feels like things could not possibly be going on outside of this... but things are happening... today my sister and I broke through the bubble for a little bit... we went outside to get some exercise... she ran, I rode my bike... it was nice to be out of the bubble for a bit... I am glad life outside the bubble is continuing... some of my friends put in an offer on a new home... their second son is due in a few weeks...another friend is leaving for Italy and Greece tomorrow...

Hard day... hard steps...

This morning the hospice nurse came... she put in a catheter so mom doesn't have to get up as much... I think it's easier and safer for her and for us...the nurse then talked to us about questions we may have had and about what to expect as things progress... Dad asked about what he needs to do when she dies... he had a couple of choices... he could call hospice who could then in turn call the funeral home and mom's doctor or he could call hospice and the funeral home and her doctor... dad thought the one call would be easiest... but in order to do that the funeral home would need to be aware of what the wishes/arrangements were... as a family we have talked about it... and are all ok with the plan... mom wants to be cremated....there is not going to be visiting hours or a funeral....but there will be some sort of gathering at her church... however those plans had not been set up with the funeral home. I got such a heavy feeling in my stomach when I knew dad was going to have to make that call/visit to do that... how hard that would be for him. Awful... just awful...

It had been an emotional morning after the nurse was here and dad and I were both trying to be strong for each other and for mom... but we had our moments...my sister arrived around 1:30 and I was relieved to see her arrive. She and dad talked for a minute in the kitchen about the plans for when mom dies and dad got weepy and went into the dining room and sat at a window looking out across the back yard... I followed him, hugged him from behind and told him I loved him and offered to go with him to the funeral home... he said no and there was part of me that was so relieved that he said no... but also didn't want him to go alone...as he was getting ready to go I offered again and again he said no... I debated in that moment if I should have just said I was going too... or if I should let him make that move on his own... I didn't know what was right... and I stayed here... as he was getting ready to go there, one of our dear family friends came by... and she is one of those people who can make my dad cry... we all have those people in our lives... around whom we can't hold it together...that it is always safe to break down with... for dad, Donna is one of those people. She has been there for our family through a lot... she was with us as Gramie lost her battle to cancer... and she has been with us as mom fought and is losing her battle to cancer...and is going to handle the details of the gathering we have after mom dies... I was glad she came by...and her timing was good. She got here and talked with dad for a bit..then dad headed to the funeral home and she stayed to visit with mom for a while...and was still here when dad came back. When she left Dad walked her out... and it gave him a chance to talk to her privately... outside he did not have to be the strong husband and dad he feels he has to be inside the house...

This evening my sister and I got a chance to leave the house together to get dinner and it gave us a chance to talk. I am thankful that she and I have been so candid with each other. We have each had thoughts about things which I won't share here, but each of us felt bad about what we were thinking... and we have shared them with each other and eerily our thoughts are similar.... so having her here is comforting... feels less lonely.

Dad is letting me do something for him tonight and I am grateful.. he is sleeping in his own bed and I am sleeping downstairs in the living room with my mom. I have offered this each night and he has refused... but I wanted to keep offering... and am glad that he took me up on the offer... at least I think I am glad...

Avoidance...

Today... is similar to yesterday... I think mom is even more disoriented, yet she is very determined in some ways... I have written a lot on here about my mom and at soms point I will write a lot about my dad... but I just can't write a lot about him yet...he's amazing... he did admit today that he is happy to not be here alone with mom...

Today I made a few phone calls to let people know I would be staying put... had to call the sub line for work... and called a good friend... and I got emotional... so... after that call I decided I needed to stop it... needed to just turn off the tears and suck it up... dad isn't sitting around crying his eyes out, though I think it wouldn't take much for that to happen... which is another reason I am trying not to... once one of us starts I think we would be in danger of not stopping. So.. I decided to do something... I went to the store (thankfully the local market was open on the holiday) and got supplies to make chili, cornbread, and cake... so when I returned I was able to stay busy chopping and mixing and monitoring it all... it helped... but I am not sure what strategy I will use tomorrow...

My sister is coming... and I am glad about that... yet I know it is going to be really hard for her.. like it is for us... and wish none of us had to go through this. But... while this is going to be hard on her... I think she would be harder on herself if she wasn't here...

It's close...

My mom is dying.



I've heard that after childbirth women forget the pain that they endured...otherwise they would never choose to have subsequent children. Maybe our minds protect us from pain...I mean, I know that when we accidentally do things like burn ourselves on the oven or cut ourselves with a knife our body reacts quickly, pulling our hands away from the source of the pain...and if the pain is severe enough our bodies go into shock so we can't feel it.... maybe there is a similar neurological process that happens psychologically.

It wasn't that long ago that my grandmother died. She passed away in September of 2007. Before dying she had battled cancer and those closest to her witnessed the long, torturous ending of her life. I was there when she died, my mother, father, and I were around her when she took her last breath... I remember that it was really hard to go through, but I also remember it was peaceful and I was glad to be with her in that moment... I haven't forgotten the hard pieces of her journey, but I think that my mind has allowed me to think about it in a way that I remember the final moment... not the hellish ones preceding it...

However, through my mother's battle with cancer I have been reminded of those things... My mother's journey has mirrored that of my grandmother's. And while things with my mom to this point have been hard, very hard... there were still things I had forgotten... that this trip has brought back... very vividly...

I had forgotten the disorientation factor... my grandmother, in one of her final hospitalizations, thought that the doctor had come into her room through a solid wall...she couldn't watch television because she felt like the people/things on the tv were in the room with her, sometimes chasing her... when taken for one of her many hospital tests, my grandmother thought she was being punished and taken to the basement for her bad behavior and promised to behave if she didn't have to go... I had forgotten that...

And I had forgotten how she slept with her eyes open...how I would get up to check on her when her breathing changed and I couldn't tell if she was asleep or awake... sometimes she was sleeping, sometimes she was awake... sometimes she would engage in conversation with me and I thought she was looking at someone behind me or to my side.

But... I now remember... and am reliving those experiences...this time with my mom. She is weak... so weak... I got here Friday evening, right after the hospital bed was delivered. The hospital bed was in the corner where the twin bed had been... where mom had been sleeping... and the twin bed, with mom still on it... was in the center of the living room... dad had waited for the mattress on the hospital bed to warm up before transferring mom into it. (He's so sweet.) After a while we decided to move mom... and it was just that.. dad and I moving her... she had no strength to try to help us... and it hit me... how much weaker she had become since my last visit two weeks ago...and as the evening unfolded I was kind of in shock... how does this happen... why? And today has been more of the same.... with a lot more confusion added to the mix... believing a woman on tv was the daughter of her friends stopped by... or thinking that she was being wheeled in a hot dog shaped bed...she's repeating parts of thoughts two or three times before connecting it to another phrase...she is sleeping with her eyes open...and when she's awake has a hard time focusing on whoever it is she is talking to...she barely has enough strength to suck liquid through a straw... it's cruel... this shouldn't happen to anyone.

I don't get it... this is so hard on her....on dad... on me... on my sister... on all who know my mom... and through something like this people say they have faith... that it's part of god's plan... I can't buy into that.

When my mom was first diagnosed... one of my acquaintances said to me... it's only cancer... nobody dies from cancer anymore... you know I think he's right... nobody dies from cancer... people are tortured by cancer, murdered by cancer.... not calmly... I think when someone dies... it means they are no longer alive... when cancer kills someone... it means they are alive but are not allowed to live...

People talk about dying with dignity... I don't think that's possible with cancer.. not like this... there is nothing dignified about this...

Mom is mad about having to give up control of so many things, but she is too tired to be angry...she is mad that we have to lift her on and off the commode needed because she cannot walk to get to the bathroom... she is angry that we try to hold a glass for her as she tries to drink from it... she wants to do it herself.... but she can't. We are trying to let her, but it is hard... today she wanted some lunch and made it know we were not to feed her... but watching her try to muster enough strength to hold her fork was a lot to ask... let alone trying to use the fork to pierce the food that was on her plate...and once she was able to do that... she had a hard time getting it to her mouth...hitting her chin and trying to move her head to get the food into her mouth... it's so hard to not just grab the fork and feed her... and my dad is trying so hard to respect her independence, what's left of it, but he is having a hard time watching that scene play itself out... again and again...but what choice does he have?

My mother is dying....and there is nothing any of us can do....I hope I forget a lot of this...

Weekend accomplished!!?

My goals for the weekend included taking care of myself, being active, and getting some school stuff done... 2/3 isn't bad, right? I did take care of myself and was very active, but did not get any school stuff done... just couldn't make myself do it... other things seemed more important... and I will get the paperwork done...

today was another active day... My good friend Meg came to town to hit the gym with me and then to have brunch. At the gym I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and lots of stretching... my muscles were tight from yesterday's step class. I also did some weight training with my arms, and feel good about that.

Later in the day Suellen and I went for a bike ride and it was a lot of fun. We guesstimate that we rode about 3.6 miles today.. and I look forward to increasing that distance. We did have some small inclines and we handled it... it was great. I had a moment where I felt like... ahhh... I remember this feeling, being active and enjoying it...THAT is who I am... on the inside... and I just need to do some work to make the outside match the inside... I am athletic... active... and I just need to eliminate more of the factors that have limited those aspects... my knee... is good... my feet... good... so... I just have to make my feet and my knees work together with the rest of my body and make it happen.

So while I feel guilty for not seeing my mom and dad this weekend... I feel like this weekend was a major kick start for me... for spring, for me being active... I want to start taking my bike with me to my parents' house to have an option for an activity... and I am giving myself permission to leave their house for an hour or so to do something active... I can do that.

I was very happy that Meg wanted to do something active too... we got to visit and talked about our mothers... but we also were taking care of ourselves at the same time.

Suellen and I got a chance to talk more too... about being active. She has been my biggest cheerleader through my knee recovery... she went to the gym with me when I still took a crutch to help me get around... she clapped for me when I finally got the elliptical to recognize that I was on the machine for five continuous minutes... she was there when I completed my first mile after surgery... she has been there... encouraging me... and I appreciate that. We spend time together often and today we realized that we go out to eat together sometimes and spend about $20 at a meal... with that $20 we could go to 2 fitness classes and swimming 4 times, and still have $2.00 left! So... we decided today that if we want to share a meal, we will.. but we will do so at one of our houses... with healthy food and save our money for activities to make us healthier. That doesn't mean that we won't go out for social things once in a while, but... we need to shift our priorities.

So, I feel great... about my activity level and what it means, that I can be active and will be active given the chance...no.. not given the chance... that sounds too accidental... I will be active, and I will choose to be active regularly.

My plan is to hit the gym in the mornings this week and any other activity is bonus... tomorrow afternoon I am working my part time job, so no bonus activity tomorrow, but... the rest of the week will have some activities planned... it should be a good, healthy week.

I will head up to see my parents next weekend... but I will take my bike with me if weather permits.

Picture from: http://www.fotosearch.com/bthumb/DGV/DGV050/1104032.jpg

Active morning...

This morning, Suellen and I got up and went to a step aerobics class at a local gym. (Not the one to which I have a membership....my gym doesn't offer many fitness classes.) Neither of us had been to a step class in a long time... for me, it has been since my knee problems started... and since surgery I haven't done anything that would involve that much impact. I was a bit nervous, but told myself that if I got too tired, I would stay in the class and just walk in place, I would just keep moving. I was happy that we got there early enough to claim a spot in the back row... fewer people to stare at my jiggly behind... and as the class began I remembered why I like step aerobics so much... the music is fast and upbeat...the rhythm of the movements...and the togetherness of the class... not long after I remembered why I liked the class I remembered why my body often had some aches and pains following the step class... I started feeling the burn pretty early on in the class. I was able to keep up with the instructors moves, making few mistakes when she showed us a new one, but caught on to most of them... however... about 30 minutes in I decided that if I wanted to be able to walk tomorrow that I needed to take it down a notch... and not use the step... so I did step aerobics without a step....maybe I should call it non step step aerobics? So, for the last 20 minutes of the class I did all my footwork on the floor and didn't do all the jumpy twirly things I will do in the future... In my head I had forgotten how many lateral movements and turning motions are involved in step aerobics... and I was very timid because my knee has not done those movements in a long, long time. The lateral and turning motions made me very nervous... wondering if my knee would support me during all of that... I have been doing some weight training to strengthen my muscles, but haven't done quick movements... so I was cautious... smartly so I think... and I made it through.. and it was fun... granted I was all sweaty and gross... and I did not look as elegant or as polished as the others in the class, but I did it. And for today, that's all that mattered...I will keep going to classes like that and after a while my endurance will be better, my confidence in my knee will increase, and I will be throwing in some extra moves here and there... I was there once... I will be there again.

After the class I came home and the sun was beginning to shine through the clouds a bit. I told Suellen that if I hadn't just done a step class I would test out my bike... so I came home, had breakfast and then wanted to go for a bike ride... so I did... I took it for its first spin of the season! I didn't go too far... just a loop around my neighborhood, but figure it was about 2 miles and did involve some hills. I was nervous at one point because I was riding in traffic... and noticed I was riding in some gravel that was left on the road from all the winter sanding... and was nervous about wiping out, but... told myself that if I fear falling I am more likely to fall... so I just went with the flow... had to... and was fine. There is a huge difference in the strength in my quad muscles compared to a year ago. I remember last year riding my bike, even on flat surfaces, was hard because of my left quad... which was weaker than my right because of the surgery... and here it is... almost 2 years (in July) since surgery and it is still something that is a huge part of my psyche. I have to say that a new ergonomically designed seat made the bike riding experience more enjoyable than my other seat... cheers for ergonomics!

So today I learned that while I am not in great shape... I will be... and I CAN do step aerobics... at my own level, but I can do it... and I will be able to do a lot of bike riding this year! (I may even get a little basket for my bike so that I could go to the store and pick up a few groceries, or go to a farmers market and be able to bring stuff home...) I also learned that I want to do more of the elliptical at the gym and less biking because the elliptical will help me build endurance to be able to do better at step aerobics and other classes I want to take (like ZUMBA!) and I also want to start doing some lateral exercises at the gym to build up those muscles as well as my confidence.

It's exciting to be active...

A weekend at home...

I made a hard decision this weekend... to stay at my place instead of going to see mom and dad... it's a decision that does make me feel guilty on some levels, but... I also felt like there were things I needed to do here... to take care of myself now so that I can head up to mom and dad's during my April vacation without having to bring work there with me. Emotionally I also feel like I need a weekend to myself... to do things for me... and I feel selfish for it... because my father does not have the luxury of choosing when to be there and when not to be...but... I also need to take care of myself so I can take care of others... right? Well... that's what some of those mental health philosophers say.

so what exactly is so important that I needed to be here this weekend? Well... today... I had internet installed at my place... until now I have been fortunate enough to have neighbors whose wireless was freely accessible. But I feel happy about my own connection... dependable... guilt-free!
But the bigger reason is just needing to take care of myself. I have been stressed about getting some paperwork done for work... so I need to get into school without kids around, to do that.... then there is getting my focus back on being healthy - physically. This week I had taken my bike to a local bike shop to get a tune up and picked it up today... I am excited to go for my first ride... today was not a good day for bike riding because of the rain, but... maybe this weekend there will be a window of time where I can try it out. Maybe I will even get to a point where I take my bike with me to my parents' house so I can be active there. And... tomorrow I am attending a step aerobics class... this I am very excited about. I know I will be sore afterwards... if I do it right anyway.... and I am so looking forward to it! I used to do step aerobics a lot... in college a few of my friends and I would go to weekly classes and it was so fun! Usually those classes were followed by a night of dancing and some beverage enjoyment at a club. I like step aerobics.. the rhythms, the movements, the way that I can push myself to do the routine being done and modify it as I need to. I have not done step aerobics since all of my knee trouble started... so... we'll see if I still got it! Also, I need some time with my friends... tomorrow I think I will see Sara and Meg... and Sunday, Meg I are going to hit the gym and then go out for brunch. So... it will be a busy weekend... but filled with things that are making me healthy... in many ways... re energize myself...

Either that... OR... I am a coward who doesn't want to face the mom situation this weekend and my rationalization skills are amazing...

return to the gym...

Last week my coaching season concluded... it was a season with ups and downs... given the circumstances with my mom, I was lucky enough to work with another coach who understood family priorities and enabled me to travel to see my mom whenever I needed while maintaining the position. I enjoyed the kids, but not as much as I usually do because I really didn't have the time with them that I like to have... knowing the season was ending I had mixed emotions... I was concerned about filling my time... because keeping myself busy has become a good escape for me. So... I decided that once coaching was over I needed to throw myself back into working out and being healthy... so far so good... Monday I went to the gym and biked and did weight training for my legs... Tuesday I swam (well tread water for 40 minutes) and today I went to the gym, did 10 minutes on the bike, 2 miles on the elliptical, and minimal weight training... which I admit was my way of scoping out a couple of gym hotties... tomorrow some of my local friends are meeting up to figure out ways to help each other stay healthy... I am excited.

I saw my mom last weekend... and she seemed stronger to me than she had the last time I was there. So many ups and downs with this... I have decided to stay here this weekend... because I want to be able to go to see mom when I have my April vacation knowing that all of my paperwork is caught up... I talked to dad today and he encouraged me to stay put this weekend... so I am both excited and feeling guilty about it... I am listening to my heart... going when I feel like I should and staying when I think I should... and I think it's ok to stay put this weekend so that my next visit will have less guilt about missing out on getting some school stuff done.

I'm also exhausted... and selfishly need some time where I am not on the road,time that I can just take care of me... and I need to spend some time with the people in my support system... and that's ok...