As promised... Pictures..

OK... I have taken a couple of pictures of my new place. I am only posting the ones that make it look like I have settled in and am a FABULOUS house keeper... the bedrooms, livingroom, mudroom, and basement are... less tidy. :-)

This is my bathroom... obviously!
I am soo excited that the brown and blue color sheme works in there! There is more brown than blue... but I like it a lot. There is a little green in the shower curtain too, but I am focusing on the browns and blues.





And this is my kitchen.... Just look at the cupboard space!!! WOW... and that doesn't even show you the cupboards over and beside the fridge (which is across from the sink.)

Unpacking is such a huge project... I move boxes around and around... back and forth... it's crazy... but it will come together in time.

A special shout out to Jill! Hey Girl! I haven't forgotten ya, we'll talk soon and I can't wait to see you this summer!

It's raining... and I am tired...

Maybe I should not blog when I am tired... when it is rainy and cold... and the day after my truck got hit while parked in a parking lot... Yes... my truck is sporting a new look... the dented look... I was in class last night... came out and there was a woman standing near my truck looking it all over... on her cell phone. As I approached I asked if I could help her with something... she said, umm, well I hit your truck. WHAT? Yup.. there it was.. a big dent with red accents form her minivan. I asked what happened and she said she had misjudged the turn... Oh my gosh! Seriously? So... in the rain we simultaneously were on cell phones with police, insurance companies, etc... FUN. I will say that the woman that hit my truck was nice and felt terrible. Her insurance will cover all the repairs on my truck and will get me a rental car when I have it fixed.. so it will work out, but I have to say I was not happy. I admit.. I may have screamed once in my truck... out of shear aggravation at this... and probably the culmination of all this. But... it could have been worse, way worse... and she stayed there, gave me all her info... and it will work out... but it did not help with the stress level...

... I would say I have been holding up pretty good, all things considered... I am almost completely done at my old apt. I went there tonight, hoping to finish up there for good, but forgot my cooler to empty the freezer... and it was raining so hard I didn't want to put some things in the back of my truck that I had no other place for... so.. tomorrow will be the last day. I have like three or four boxes of stuff, cleaning supplies, etc. and that's it. Yahoo. Throughout the process I had been throwing so much away and had put all the trash bags on my back porch.. well I had been getting rid of some on trash days, but they kept building up as I packed and moved things... so tonight in the pouring rain I loaded all of the bags onto my truck and left them beside the road near my new apt. Hopefully they take it all tomorrow... I am really happy with my new apartment. I like it here a lot. It feels like home... and the cats are enjoying themselves too... although Sheldon and I spent some quality time learning to go down the stairs. She was terrified...and really couldn't figure it out. I had to close the basement door and block the upper stairs while I set her on one stair and patiently waited... quivering she eventually got bored and attempted a stair... she looked back at me for reassurance and eventually went down the rest of them... to her food. I interrupted her dinner, knowing she would want to finish eating, and brought her back up the stairs... and made her go down again... she is now very comfortable with the stairs... and the other cats love racing up and down them...

My knee is going to greatly appreciate when this move and unpacking stuff is done. I have taken a couple of pictures, but need to find the USB cord that connects to my camera so I can share them with you... along with the picture of my dent... I have put everything away in the kitchen... and I have empty cupboards! (must go shopping?) My bathroom is all done, except I want to add some plants in there... the living room is coming together... I found yet another use for my amazing showtime knives...the one that is shown on the infomercial, cutting through sheet rock... also cuts through the thin fake cardboard/wood that is on the back of bookshelves... I had to cut a hole in my bookcase because the spot where I wanted it to be was the wall on which the thermostat was located... so using a little yankee ingenuity... I fixed it... cut a hole in the back and tah dah... bookshelf is against the wall and I can still access the thermostat! Handy - those knives! I have also started unpacking my clothes in my bedroom and am making progress. the hardest part will be the office.. YIKES... that will take some time. Insert exhaling sound here... It will get done.

I am being lazy tonight... may head to bed soon..and it is only 7:30. May not unpack anything tonight... and I may eat chocolate... I bought some M&Ms.... which reminds me... if you have not seen the commercial for M&Ms... with the pink M7M in the park.. with the squirrels... You are missing out... scary ass squirrels!

Moved In!?

Moving is not terrible when you have movers do all the work for you! While waiting around this morning was hard...very hard. It was worth it. In about 2.5 hours about 98% of my stuff was loaded into the moving truck and unloaded at my new apartment. Granted, unpacking will be challenging... though fun... I have my bathroom almost set up... well... I have the shower curtain up and a few other things... it's functional... as well as the kitchen. I have soooooooo much cupboard space... I need to go shopping! It will be so nice to cook in a kitchen that has cupboards! The cats are settling in... they are a little timid of going up and down the stairs to the basement... new for them. Poor Sheldon really does it one step at a time... I hope it gets more automatic for her. I am sore...my knee hurts... from being on my feet a lot today... but I feel good knowing that so much is done. I have a lot to do still.. but... ahhh... a relief... one thing off my plate...

And in other wonderful news... mom and dad went for a ride today... all the way to their favorite spot... which happens to be my favorite place too...the mountain... the river...YAY... mom did well... sooo glad she was up for the trip!

Almost forgot... pics coming soon!

Twiddling my Thumbs

Well... today is moving day. I am all packed and waiting... waiting for my new landlord to call to say I can have the key... which should be any minute... then I will do more waiting... for the movers to arrive and then I get to sit around while they move stuff... that will be weird...watching people move my stuff... I am really going to try to not help them... why? because I want to save my energy for whatever is left to move after they leave. I am determined to only have them here for a certain amount of time... and whatever is left will be up to me... and with any luck, Sara and Phil will help tomorrow. Sara said they would plan on it, but life happens... so I hope they can help. ho hum ho hum ho hummmmmmm... wait wait wait....

MOVING

The movers are coming the movers are coming..... tomorrow afternoon.... so hopeully they will move all the big stuff and some of the boxes...then on Sunday Sara and Phil are going to come help me with the rest of the stuff... that would be nice. To have everything out on Sunday would be awesome. Then I could come in and do a little cleaning Monday night after class, and Tuesday if I need to... then give the keys back and be gone... outta here.... new beginning......

Dignity

"Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will i wake tomorrow
from this nightmare..."

This is part of the lyrics for a song from RENT... which some of you know to be my favorite Broadway show... I have referred often to different lyrics and messages from that show... and once again I find myself thinking of it... singing songs in my head... While the show is about people living with, and as the lyrics point out, not dying from... HIV/AIDS... Is my mom living with or dying from cancer?

Dignity is a huge piece of the equation through this and...while there is nothing I won't do for my mother... nothing... I know there are certain things she does not, will not want me to help her with... so... I must remind myself to let her have control over what parts of this I am a part of.. directly or indirectly... While things are happening to her, to her body...she wishes she could control... she is thinking, as she told me today, "you poor kid... I'm sorry..." What she sees as experiences that make her weaker and more vulnerable, I see as making her more of who she is... maybe not making her.. but bringing out in her certain traits that I admire... including her love of me.. and our family... her strength...though she feels weakened... and is weakened.... she is facing this... and she does get out of bed each day... I remember days when I did not want to get out of bed with my knee, the pain it caused... and not wanting to face the things I needed to do to take care of myself... there were days when mom had to really motivate me to get out of bed and see the day... None of us are forcing mom out of bed... she is doing that for herself... Her body will betray her... has already betrayed her... but...she is still there, inside her body... and doing all she can...I love her more for that.

I do wish this was a nightmare... and I wish my alarm clock was about to go off...

I promise to give my mom dignity throughout this journey... and I care... I will care... I will ALWAYS care...

Sunglasses

I am happy to report that Spring has officially arrived in Maine... even in northern Maine. The sun is shining and temperatures were in the mid to upper 70s yesterday! I love it when the sun starts shining in the spring... flowers are coming up... and ahhhh... it just feels good after being bogged down by the snow...

I am once again up north.. visiting mom and dad. This week is my vacation week from school. I will be busy... here, visiting and working on my graduate work, meeting up with my class partner later in the week to finalize our paper... then moving.. next Saturday... Yippee! I am happy that I will be moving at that time, because whatever the movers don't do in the few hours I am hiring them for... I can do in the following few days. It will be nice to get moved in... and unpack... which will take time I know. But.. it's a new beginning.

Mom is doing ok... she is starting to feel some of the side effects of the chemo that she started taking Tuesday... she is dizzy... but so far tolerating it, and still keeping small amounts of food in her system. I asked her if she had been drinking much since she is supposed to with her chemo, but she said she isn't drinking as much as she is supposed to, but she is doing the best she can. I agree... and I think her best is pretty good! She has sat outside for a 15-30 minutes the last coulpe of days, soaking up some sun and feeling the benefits of spring. Today she talked about camping this summer. Yay... I so want mom and dad to set their camper up, as usual, and spend their summer along the edge of the river in the shadow of a beautiful mountain.

I thought a lot on my way up here yesterday... about relationships... counting on people. It's a lot to think about. Not sure I can articulate it here... yet.. or if I really want to... but... it's funny how something in life changes... and things that you thought would be constant... aren't...

So that's where I am blog buddies...up north... and I am glad to be here...

A fly... and a swatter

As I tried to fall asleep last night I thought about how stressful everything is right now... it's not that it SEEMS stressful.... It IS stressful... I worry about mom every second of every day... I worry about dad too... plus moving and packing... hiring movers... the huge looming project for my graduate class.. trying to stay in touch with my friends... and, oh yeah, my job. I feel like I am running around, abck and forth, in circles, running into things only to change my direction.... and I feel like a housefly that is trapped in a window... I climb... then fly...smack into the glass... and then I feel like I am under the shadow of a fly swatter... Just when is that fly swatter going to strike and will it kill me or will it just stun me... or will it make me buzz loudly and spin in circles? I don't know... Mom is home from the hospital. She has been eating a very small amount of food... and is keeping it down. I did call this morning and mom was feeling a bit queazy... but I am hoping she was able to ward off the throwing up with the anti nausea meds. I haven't called tonight to see how the rest of the day went... partly because I am afraid to know... and because I want to believe she had a good day...

Ugh.... I am tired.

well...

Mom is not happy to be in the hospital. She has been there since Thursday night... but the good news is that she has not thrown up since Thursday night. However, the true test, I am afraid will come over the next 12 hours or so... she ate solid food today for the first time in probably a week or so... and was able to keep it down.. so far. The doc was inclined to send her home today before she had eaten solid food because she was doing ok with jello and broth.. however, my sister and I talked with the doctor, and mom did agree with us... reluctantly, that sending her home after less than 48 hours without throwing up may not be a good idea. We felt that she needed to stay put and get some solid food into her, without having the IV fluids which have helped her stay on track... and try to balance it with the anti nausea meds she has at home... we felt THAT would be a test of whether or not she should go home... because we thought that coming home, with no IV, trying to balance the meds, AND having to eat... would most likely land her right back at the hospital. The doctor did not disagree with us and encouraged mom to eat... so.. we'll see. Some bad news today.. they gave mom a catscan yesterday and as suspected, the tumor has grown since the last catscan which was right before surgery on Mrch 5. This means that it is vital for her to start taking the cancer treatments... but in order to do so she has to be able to not vomit... so that the medicines get in and stay in her system.

Today dad went to visit his mom and sister, a little more than an hour away. I don't think he would have gone had Sis and I not been here. So it was good for him to have a break. Sis and I visited with mom and also got a few things done around the house... I am so glad we came home. Mom is upset to think we came all this way and she can't visit with us because she is in the hospital, but we told her that it may have been a better visit that way because she is feeling better and has a little fight in her. Fight is good.

Northward Bound

Mom has had a hard week. There is a chance that she may need to be hospitalized tomorrow to get some fluids and nutrients through an IV. She has tried several anti nausea meds... none have worked...

Tomorrow Sis and I are heading north for the weekend...

I am worried about my dad too...

Uneasy

I was tired last night and went to bed around 9:30 because I was almost felling asleep in my chair...But once I was in bed I was restless... At 11:00 I decided to honor a deal I have had with myself since things with mom have been happening... if I am still not asleep after 11:00 and I know sleep isn't going to come easily, I take something to help me sleep. This was suggested to me by Rico and my doctor whole heartedly agrees that taking something to help me sleep at night through all this is ok. I haven't had to take anything lately but when I do, it works. But it didn't last night. I kept waking up, and when I woke up, I was very uneasy... I won't say that I was in a state of panic, but I was feeling stressed and very unsettled. When my alarm went off this morning I wondered if I could face the day... I just didn't feel good. I called into work and told them I would be late...and tried to get a little more sleep.

Once I got to work, I got settled in and then called dad.. I told him I was uneasy last night and this morning and wondered if I had reason to be. Come to find out Mom had a rough night last night and a hard morning. She was vomiting... a couple times last night, and once or twice this morning. Dad took her to the hospital this morning and they gave her some IV fluids and sent her home. They have changed her nausea meds again.. this time to zofran... a drug Rico had mentioned to me that helped his mom feel better... I am hoping for the same effect for mom...

Strange... how I was uneasy all night, even though I was medicated...

I am exhausted today. I should do some more packing... but all I did was get the twin bed taken apart, ready to deliver to a coworker tomorrow... I should do some more packing, but I am not sure I have it in me to do tonight... It would be nice to get it all done... to just be in a place where when I got the word that I could move in, I could just do it. I didn't even go to the gym today... and I should have.

Packing Photos

These are pictures from the room that I am using to store all my packed boxes. I have done a lot. Rooms that are packed include: Living Room, Dining room (which included a large hutch that I stored books, school work, and fabric for sewing) , craft room, and bathroom... Rooms left: kitchen, bedroom, 2nd bedroom (clothes and shoes mostly), and basement... but that's not bad... I will pack up the kitchen this week... leaving a few dishes out to use, and start putting clothes into bags/boxes... that won't be bad either. Oh yeah, I have to clean off the back porch, my gardening stuff.. most of shich I will get rid of... I will save some things and will dig up a couple of plants that I had planted... the two clamatis plants that remind me of my gram are coming with me. Then I will just have odds and ends to pack up... and I will be good to go! I do think movers are the way to go. even if it costs me a little money.. it will be worth it. Big stuff that would be hard to move... couch, chair, dining room table,2 beaureaus, dishwasher, bed, and a cabinet that I painted, some shelves, and a rocking chair....... that alone is worth getting movers... I have thrown out A LOT of stuff... we are talking a LOT of stuff... my back porch is filled with garbage bags that I will throw out this week. My new place should be clutter free!

I went to the gym today and did a mile on the elliptical machine... and stretched... My knee was a little sore, so I called it quits.. I had wanted to try to do a little more, but listened to my body.

I will go to the gym tomorrow at some point... not sure when, but I will get there...

What a pain in the..........

What a pain in the back... ass... knee... neck... everywhere... I am sore from packing... and moving boxes... and throwing things away... but it is for a good cause.

This morning I sold my entertainment center... I was happy to get the money, sad to have to part with it. The room I am using to fill with boxes is getting full... I have a lot of stuff... even though I am getting rid of a lot... it is still a lot of stuff. Unpacking will be ok.. I am labeling all the boxes...and trying not to just stuff things in someplace... though it is tempting. I have a lot of books... a lot of books. The cats are going a little nuts... all of them think it is an adventure... except Tess... she is stressed out about it all... She has moved with me a few times... and I wonder if she remembers. She is wanting to be with me a lot... and goes in the room with the boxes and cries. She will like the new place. I think all of the cats will like it. There will be some good places for them to look out the windows... I have been forewarned that there are neighborhood cats who may want to come visit... they can look in, but no coming in... my girls would kick their butts... Oh well.

I am getting ready to go visit one of my friends for dinner. I haven't been to her house before. It should be fun. She and I went to college together, had stayed in touch for a little while after that... then lost touch... last year she got hired to work at my school and while we have had a few chances to visit, it seems life has been hectic for both of us... we were talking the other day about how carefree we were in college... our biggest worry was whether our professors were in a good mood and how hard our exams would be... tough stuff? I don't think so... Life changes... fast.

My knee is a little sore today... I don't think it is from the gym... but from doing a lot around here... so I am trying to sit as much as I can when packing, but that is not very efficient. I will post some pics soon, of the room 'o boxes. ahhhhhhhhh... thank goodness for Aleve!

Good and Bad...

This cleaning..packing... stuff is good for me. I am also getting rid of a lot of stuff. It isn't easy though... Yesterday I made a hard decision... I donated my alto saxophone to the music department in the school where I teach.. with the stipulation that it be given to a student who wants to play but perhaps cannot afford it. The band teacher said it was in great shape, considering its age... It had belonged to a family friend when my parents bought it for me. And I was very surprised at how hard it was to give it away. I haven't played it in years and have moved it with me for years... thought about picking it up again, but... just haven't had time... but I loved band... loved the connections I had to other people in the band... some of my closest friends in high school.... I love it... I transitioned from the alto sax to the baritone sax in jr. high... which my dad loved because it was even louder than the alto! He made me practice outside when weather permitted... to share the foghorn with the whole neighborhood.

Tomorrow I am selling my entertainment center. This is hard too... because it was the first REAL piece of furniture I bought for myself. I had to put it together but I did it... and did a fine job I might add... and it is nice... so much storage... but... it is huge... too big for me to be moving alone and too big for my new place really...so... I am selling it... to a family... and they loved the pictures of it, so I hope they use it well. I am also selling a few other things and giving some other things away for free... I think that the money I make from selling things might get used to hire a moving company... I do not want to regress in the progress I have made with my knee and also don't want to have to burden friends...though people have offered their help. But I think that the way I am packing will make it efficient. Plus... my current place and my new place are not far apart, so if I use a company that charges by the hour...I won't have to pay much for travel time. We'll see... Maybe just for the big stuff... we'll see.

Decisions decisions....

Milestone...

Ahhhh... what a day... I worked... I went to the gym... and I did a MILE on the elliptical machine. A MILE!!! A mile a mile a mile.... yahoo yahoo yahooo!!! I have not done a mile on the elliptical machine in sooooooooooooo long... It felt good... granted it took me a while... 16 minutes and 36 seconds to be exact, but I consciously went at a slower pace hoping I could get some more distance. I also did some stretching and 2 miles on the bike.. slowly. My knee has been a little swollen today, before the elliptical milestone... but I think it's form doign a lot of packing and moving boxes around at my apartment. And.... I SIGNED a LEASE today. Yup! It's official. I have a place to live... a place to live, a place to live.. yahoo yahoo... ok.. lots of dancing and yahooing today...

though... I wish my mom could read my blog today... she would smile... She's not up for reading blogs lately because sitting at the computer is so uncomfortable.... Hopefully soon, she will feel up to it... But I will call her tonight and let her know of the good news...

I hope my knee is okay tomorrow... I am thinking of going for a nice work after work tomorrow... weather permitting.

I am not homeless....

Perhaps the universe herad me... perhaps my luck is changing... I am going to rent one of the places I have seen... the one I like. I went back over today, in the daylight and I really do like it. IT gets a good amount of natural light which I need... and I think I will be really happy there... a new beginning... It's just what I need. This apartment has served me well, but there are some things that I will be happy to leave behind. Memories of my ex... and my rude neighbors...

I got some more boxes packed... got everything out of my entertainment center and moved it to a small room near my front door so that when I sell it, it will be easy access for whoever has to move it.

Today I sold my bakers rack and gave away a craft tote that I haven't used in years. And... I have thrown out a few more trashbags full of stuff... audio tapes... that I haven't listened to in ages... some VHS tapes too... though I did keep some of them. I have a pile of movies I am going to see if I can get rid of... ... downsizing... a good thing. and the physical part of packing and moving things is good for me....

Progress.

The universe is mad at me....

Dear Universe... whatever I have done to make you angry I apologize. I do not understand what I could have done to cause the havoc that is going on in my life. I will do whatever I can to reverse this karma... I will let every pedestrian cross the street, stop and allow cars to pull out in front of me.... pick up trash from the ground, recycle... but please STOP THE MADDNESS!!!

I have to Move... by MAY 1st! May freakin' FIRST!


Why do I have to move? Well my landlord called me on Sunday.. and said he had some bad news. His wife has lost her job because of budget cuts and they are planning on moving into this apartment and sell the house in which they are currently residing. I asked how long I had to get out and he said as soon as possible... but he supposed he could give me until the end of the month... you SUPPOSE? Yeah... and umm... have I mentioned that my mom has cancer? come on... the market sucks... and he is not going to sell his house in 30 days... couldn't you give me until the end of the school year?!!

So.... Last night I looked at an apartment and it was nice.. LOTS of storage in the basement. And of course, the cats are welcome. And a REAL kitchen! Today I looked at 2 places so far... one that is really close to the Back Bay where I love to walk... but it was on the second floor, with hard angles to work with for whoever moves in... and the floors were tilty and the walls were like stucco or something... the second one was in a country setting which is nice... had an inground pool for me to use... included a lot in the price of rent... had wall paper from a victorian house on crack...had no storage... and smelled AWFUL... the woman asked me if I was a smoker and she seemed disappointed when I said no. I think I still have that smell stuck in my nose.. ewww... and the smell was not cigarettes... though I think it was in the mix someplace... but there was a wretched candle burning that was obviously covering up some other foul odors... so that's out... I am looking at another one tonight... PLEASE universe... let it at least be a place that doesn't make my skin crawl! PLEASE.

So.. I had thought about going to see mom again this weekend.. BUT... instead... I will be packing and throwing out stuff that I don't want to carry with me to a new spot. I am also going to take pics of a couple of pieces of furniture and try to sell them...

On a positive note from all this... I have found the gym is a helpful way to release a little stress... and Today was the third day in a row... and today I reached 0.75 miles on the elliptical and did 5 miles on the bike... and I am nervous to say this, but my knee feels better than it has in a while... even since surgery... feels strong... I think not coaching after school helps...though who knows what this move will do to me. I gotta scope out some strong hotties at the gym to be my moving crew...

I have heard from some other PVNSers and they are struggling... a lot. Gosh... I feel fortunate. I am not 100%, but I will get there. I owe an email to one woman who asked some great questions and I intend to get back to you ASAP, but life has been a little.... well.... STRESSFUL!

I will get there.... So... if y'all have a chance... tell the universe that I am not a bad person and anytime it wants to shed some sunlight in my direction, I would greatly appreciate it. GREATLY appreciate it.