Dignity

"Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will i wake tomorrow
from this nightmare..."

This is part of the lyrics for a song from RENT... which some of you know to be my favorite Broadway show... I have referred often to different lyrics and messages from that show... and once again I find myself thinking of it... singing songs in my head... While the show is about people living with, and as the lyrics point out, not dying from... HIV/AIDS... Is my mom living with or dying from cancer?

Dignity is a huge piece of the equation through this and...while there is nothing I won't do for my mother... nothing... I know there are certain things she does not, will not want me to help her with... so... I must remind myself to let her have control over what parts of this I am a part of.. directly or indirectly... While things are happening to her, to her body...she wishes she could control... she is thinking, as she told me today, "you poor kid... I'm sorry..." What she sees as experiences that make her weaker and more vulnerable, I see as making her more of who she is... maybe not making her.. but bringing out in her certain traits that I admire... including her love of me.. and our family... her strength...though she feels weakened... and is weakened.... she is facing this... and she does get out of bed each day... I remember days when I did not want to get out of bed with my knee, the pain it caused... and not wanting to face the things I needed to do to take care of myself... there were days when mom had to really motivate me to get out of bed and see the day... None of us are forcing mom out of bed... she is doing that for herself... Her body will betray her... has already betrayed her... but...she is still there, inside her body... and doing all she can...I love her more for that.

I do wish this was a nightmare... and I wish my alarm clock was about to go off...

I promise to give my mom dignity throughout this journey... and I care... I will care... I will ALWAYS care...