The Mountain...

I am home after a few days of camping with Dad... the weather was less than ideal, but I was still happy to be up there... well happy is maybe not the right word... I was content... it was a hard trip to make... heading to the mountain, one of Mom's favorite places...knowing she wasn't going to be there. Usually when I would drive in to the campground I would find Mom and Dad sitting under the awning or with their friends... and can clearly picture my mom's face light up at my arrival... Dad was happy to see me and I was happy to see him... but there was definitely something different. It was nice to see the other people that camp at the campground... and it was nice to be there... in that place... but there were some interesting and maybe symbolic aspects of the trip... one being that Tadpole Terrace was inaccessible... Tadpole Terrace as mom and I named it, is one of the side ponds off the river... Mom and I spent a lot of time in there getting startled by the tadpoles, watching animals, getting drenched from a sudden downpour... but over the course of the fall and winter, the beavers dammed it off... someone said that it was because Mom wanted that part of the river to herself...that may be so. Dam beavers! Another aspect was that the mountain was covered with clouds for the entire duration of my visit...at times part of the mountain would peer through the clouds, but not once did it show itself completely. I have spent many days up there... and even when it rains, usually the mountain reveals itself at least once, if even for a moment... but not this time... and the river was tumultuous... I cooked Dad breakfast on Sunday for Father's day and gave him a card... a cheesy card... didn't want to get all emotional, we've done that a lot lately and cheesy seemed a good option.... then Dad and I went kayaking together...Dad hadn't been in the kayak in a couple of years... it was my first trip on the river since Mom died... and it was hard... it was neat to go with Dad, I was happy to see him in the kayak... later that day I went on a solo journey because the rain had stopped and the river looked calm... however, after turning a corner on the river it was rough... I debated about whether or not to keep going or to turn back... and I felt like I needed to go on... against the current... and I think for the first time, I was nervous on the river... the way the light was it was hard to see what was under the water, rocks, branches, etc... and it made me uneasy... it felt like I was on that river for the first time... and even though the river changes each year, with more trees that have fallen in the river or logs that are in new places underwater... that river is a place I know well, yet it felt like a stranger to me... but I paddled up to some familiar areas and it was soothing... but my first solo trip up the river was brief... On Monday Dad and I decided that we would go on an adventure... it was raining, again... and we thought we would go into the state park and see what we could see... we went on a short hike, about a mile round trip, into a small pond...on the way we passed a beautiful brook and the water level was very high... but the sound of it was beautiful... it's called Roaring Brook for a reason....
once in the pond we found a female moose dining alone... then on our drive out of the park we startled a bear that was meandering down the road and it took off into the woods... it was a big bear; I hadn't seen a bear in a long time. Later that day I returned to the river and it seemed more familiar to me...even without the mountain watching...Tuesday was a decent day... Dad did some fishing and I ended up going for a kayak ride that lasted more than two hours! I explored all of the offshoots of the river... and became quite emotional in Baxter Bay, as we named it... really missing my mom... Wishing we were there together... wishing she hadn't had to be so sick... wishing the last year and a half had been different...so very different... wishing dad wasn't camping alone this summer....wishing for some sign that mom was there with me... feeling quite sorry for myself... but... I recomposed myself and went up further in the river... and did find it comforting and peaceful... while hoping my sinuses would clear and the redness would leave my eyes before I returned to the campground.... Last night the rain prevented us from sitting by a fire, but we managed... played some cribbage and did some reading. This morning, I went in the kayak again, planning a brief excursion... on my return Dad signaled to me that there was a moose in the stream, so I kayaked up there and found the small female moose who had been around the campground for a few days... she is small... I estimate that she is last year's calf... unusual for her to be without her mother so soon...hmm... a parallel I suppose.... this is a picture of her... I also took some video but it is not as clear as I would have liked... but it does give you an idea of how close our moose encounters get... she knew I was there and kept a close eye on me, but as you can see... she moved towards me... at which point I moved back a bit to give her more space...I love being so close to these animals, hearing them chew and splash... I stayed with her for about 20 minutes or so, just watching her... ahhh.... it was nice...


I had a lot of anxiety about going to the mountain... feared being emotional... or maybe being emotional in front of people... feared that the place that has been an integral part of my life and of my time with my mother would not feel welcoming....feared that seeing my dad there without mom would break my heart a little more....feared that I would want to leave there almost as soon as I got there...afraid that it wouldn't be a place of peace and serenity anymore....it was different... without her... but it is still a place that touches me in a way I cannot articulate... a closeness to nature...to myself... and I look forward to going back....hopefully soon.