Think...think...think...

One of the sites I like to visit online is another blog… Ross the Intern’s blog. Ross works on the Tonight Show and became famous when he was an intern for the show and his zany ways got a lot of attention. He cracks me up. There are days when he is out and about and he runs into his blog buddies, live and in person. He always handles it well. And I think… I bet that when people meet him they see him as the same person they see on his blog… but I wonder if that is true. Like me, he chooses what to share on his blog and conversely,and perhaps more importantly, what not to share.

So I wonder… through my blog… do people who do not know me think they know me? Do the people who do know me, know me better, or think they do? Or is it like hearing a dj on the radio…hearing that voice creates a picture of that person in your head…then you see their picture one day and he/she looks totally different than what you had anticipated? Do people picture me a certain way… I mean my pic is on the blog, but do people anticipate my mannerisms, voice, and expressions? Do people expect that my speech patterns will mirror the way that I write? Do people think I am witty? Intelligent? Crazy? Self absorbed for having a blog in the first place?

I wonder about these things when we live in a world with so much technology… with so much communication based on emails… and meeting people in the cyberworld feels like reality… what happens when you meet someone in person who you have communicated with online? There is always room for disappointment… from the other person… do I live up to the expectations? People can intend to not set up expectations…but I think that we naturally have expectations… in some form or another.

I like that people read my blog. I like that people follow it, but it’s interesting at times, even with my friends… I start to tell a story and they interrupt with, oh yeah, I read that on your blog… so in some ways it gives me less to talk about…. And it means that people do know me.. .on some level… who may not otherwise know me… which is not a bad thing… I create it and people read it… I made it so that I could share aspects of my life in a manner that, for me, has been an outlet of sorts.

Where is all this thinking coming from? Today I met a blog buddy… in person. The invitation to meet had been on the table for quite some time… I wasn’t sure why meeting was necessary…necessary isn’t the right word…. I wasn’t sure if/why meeting would be a natural progression of contact. This blog buddy has been someone who has been supportive and respectful of me for a long time. Originally we had communicated through another website…and have emailed periodically for some time now. When I began my blog I sometimes referred to it in my emails and agreed to share the blog’s address when it was requested…

I think that sharing my blog, sharing that part of myself, can make me feel vulnerable in a way… Granted I don’t put everything on the blog, but those of you who are regular blog readers know that I do put a lot of my thoughts… inner thoughts here… and for someone who has often worked hard to keep strong walls around me, it is a bit intimidating to know that people know a lot about me… perhaps that sounds counter intuitive… a blogger who shares information online but builds tall walls between herself and others in real life…. and then feels vulnerable for sharing said information…. I think that at times when I blog, I forget that there is an audience… after all, the blog is an outlet for me, not designed to be a anything else. I am surprised at times, that people do read it so often… I appreciate that… am humbled by that.

The person I met today made me reflect on something about myself that I don’t think about often… my inability to gracefully accept compliments. Conversation came easily and began with compliments about my writing… I didn’t anticipate that… I expressed gratitude and tried dismissing it and changing the subject. There were times that I referenced something and was met with that person recalling a blog entry about that subject… making me wonder if I do share too much here… giving people a false sense of not only knowing me, but understanding me…and wondering if that is fair… making people feel like they know me…when they don’t.

Other blog readers have told me that the journey I have been on with PVNS and other crazy things in the course of the last year or so have inspired them or impressed them… or made them feel empathetic for me…proud of me… I don’t think people would feel inspired or be proud of me when I cry so hard breathing is hard… or… when I am so angry at god for all the crap that has happened and is happening…. So I wonder… have I painted myself in this blog in colors that are more flattering than truth?

The person I met today… made me feel held in a high regard and makes me wonder if I am deserving of that. It gives me something to think about. I have tried to blog with truth.. and have tried to be honest.. because I blog as a way to express myself…because somehow in my life or somewhere in my life it became easier to express myself in writing than through conversation… writing has been a way for me to process things in my life without needing to depend on another person… a way for me to build and keep strong walls around me. In middle school… after a hard day I would tell my family I was tired….I didn’t want to tell them I was upset or had had a bad day… I didn’t want to burden them with whatever things had happened… I remember some of those days included me sitting in the woods with a notepad… writing… maybe I have not matured past that point. Do I want to change that about myself? I am pretty comfortable with it… but if I want certain things in my life, is that something I will need to adjust? Should I or do I need to be more open and forthcoming with people in person… in reality? I don’t know.

Today was a nice surprise… before meeting we had said there were no expectations… the raw truth is that I did have expectations… I expected to be polite as I sat through a meal with this person… and expected that I would feel awkward and find reason to leave soon after arriving. But… it was nice. Good conversation, laughter, good food, getting sprayed by a lobster… very nice. We left, as we said we would, without further expectations…in theory… but maybe there are expectations. Because it was fun, one would expect to do it again sometime, right? Isn’t that the logical, right thing to do? I don’t know yet, though I did say that it may be nice to do it again when the weather was nicer. The things that would hold me back.. would be… not wanting to send mixed messages…not wanting to create more of a sense of knowing me…or knowing me in theory… and …realizing that the knowledge we have of each other is not balanced… there is more knowledge of me ‘out there’ and I am not sure how I feel about that. But that applies to my friends too… I don’t hear form all my friends daily… don’t know what goes on with them or what they are thinking about…so those who read this know more about me than I do them…. Is that ok?

It’s interesting… and has given me more to think about…. Which as an overanalyzer is just what I need.