Gobble gobble

I made it to my parents house last evening. It is nice to be here. I am looking forward to all the holiday festivities... today was filled with cooking, gaming, and tree put upping... It was also filled with a lot of underlying stress/anxiety... there is a lot going on.

My mom has to have another surgery. I mentioned that in an earlier blog. We got the date today... Dec. 17. Three weeks from today.

It's something that I know needs to happen... and for her, she needs to see if it can help... She talked to me yesterday about it and said.. that she had been praying, along with many others, for God to help her. She thinks maybe this is an opportunity God is providing... the surgery options are a.) they open her up and close her back up without doing anything- like before... b.) they can remove this thing that is inside of her by peeling it away from all of the things it has begun attaching itself to... which apparently is an option now because of its liquified status...

Without surgery this thing is going to continue to grow... and push her other organs around and possibly damage them...it could burst...which her doctor described as resulting in a massive planting of cancer seeds throughout her body... it could also rupture during surgery... but the docs say that is a more controlled situation and would be better than bursting in other circumstances...

there's another possibilities which nobody has said out loud yet... my fear... that she won't survive the surgery... that this may not only be my last Thanksgiving with my mom, but perhaps my last holiday.

I feel guilty for having that thought... I am supposed to have hope, right? I do have hope... but the fear I have is far outweighing the hope... and that adds to my fear...what if my fear and lack of hope sends the wrong message to the universe and takes away some of the good energy people are putting out there for mom...

I hate this... for her... for dad... for her friends... for my nephews... for my sister... and for me... I hate this. I HATE THIS.

Tomorrow will be a hard day... it will be hard to enjoy it all without cosciously taking those pictures for my mind... to hold onto as memories that I know I may need desperately. But... it will also have beauty.. because we are together and that was something that was not a given back in March when this all started... and really... as cliche as it is.. we don't know from year to year who will be present or absent, a nicer way to say alive or dead, at holidays... for other reasons...besides cancer... so.. I will get through it... somehow.

There are a lot of things to be thankful for this year. But... it's hard for me to feel thankful.