Deer Crossing... next 68 miles!

I got to my parents house last night around 8:00. The further north you get in Maine the fewer buildings you see from the highway. As I got closer to my parents' house I saw a sign... one of those orange ones used during construction that flashes messages to you... that said, STAY ALERT! Deer Crossing, next 68 miles! I chuckled because usually the deer crossing signs are yellow, and say deer crossing... next 3 miles... 68 miles!!?? I thought, only up here... I wasn't chuckling for long though, as about 8 miles later there was a deer in the road... and I was nervous... I have never hit a deer, knock on wood, but I did hit a moose a few years back and it was scary.

It was nice to get here and to see my parents. Admittedly I had a little anxiety about it too, wondering about the emotionality of it all... is that even a word? Mom headed to bed not long after I got here, but I had a chance to go to her room and visit with her for a while... we had a good conversation. She is so confused and stressed about what she should do...combined with low energy, she is frustrated... After talking with her I went down and got to talk with dad for a while too, which was nice. He seems to be doing ok, but he's tired. Naturally.

Today I did some cleaning in my grandmother's apartment where my sister and her family will be staying this weekend. I won't get to see them for long because I have to leave bright and early Saturday to get to my track meets... but it will be good to say hi and give Sis and the boys a hug.

That's all for now....

A new love affair?

I have been debating about getting more deeply involved in a love affair... with Tony. Tony is a sweet guy... almost sicky sweet at times...but he always has a lot to offer.... ok.. I must confess that the Tony to which I am referring... is a bakery... a good bakery... the one that my sister and I visited to satisfy our whoopie pie craving... I stopped there yesterday on my way home from having Easter dinner with some friends and got a couple of pastries.... Tony could easily become part of my life... especially when someone is an emotional eater... who? me? Maybe. So I may need to break it off with Tony before it gets started. Sorry Tony.

Good weekend...

I haven't blogged for a couple of days... not sure why other than maybe the same thoughts get repeated in my head. So far I have had a good weekend... it has felt more normal than my life has in a while. Friday night I went out to dinner with Sue who also motivated me to hit the gym with her on Saturday. It felt good to be back at the gym, I did just over 6 miles on the bike and then did some strength exercises for my knee. I felt really good after working out... my body felt good... it has felt really tense lately... so the gym was great. Following the gym we went to a newer grocery store in the area that is incredible. Most products there are organic and the store itself it beautiful. We looked around and bought lunch there. They have a place to sit and enjoy the food... Sue and I shared some pizza and vegetable sushi. It made me appreciate living where I live, being able to spend a morning like that... then I coached last night and had to fly solo because the other coach had a family commitment and another adult who accompanies one of the athletes due to special needs didn't have the correct time for things to get started, so I was alone... with it being Easter weekend some kids did not come to the meet so instead of over 100, I had about 85 kids to keep track of. It went well and their behavior was better than last week.

I have talked to mom and dad regularly. My mom is starting to be mad about this. Good. I am glad. Being angry is part of this process. Granted it may not be a productive emotion, but I would worry more about her if she just easily accepted this as what will be.

I had a conversation last night with someone about medical technology... inreference to one kid on my track team. He was at the meet last night and is a boy with Down Syndrome. He is such a sweet kid... makes everybody smile... brings out the best in people... and I thought about some of the debates our society has... if a woman learns that her unborn child has Down Syndrome she has the choice of aborting the pregnancy...because the child is seen as imperfect and possibly a burden. Before we had such tests people brought children into the world with hope. Why do we have a right to make that choice... of what characteristics someone will have and whether or not those characteristics are socially acceptable? So maybe technology has gone too far... yet on the flip side of that I am angry that there isn't some kind of technology, some knowledge that can make my mom's cancer disappear... get rid of the tumor... and find myself angry with doctors and lack of absolutes.... maybe that's the ying and yang of it all... balance...

Half full of half empty?

News. Finally. I think...

Mom met with the oncologist today. He said that the results of the biopsy are not cut and dry, however there is, in his opinion, enough evidence to diagnose mom with kidney cancer. Whether it is renal cell or clear cell cancer, he is unsure at this point. However, he does feel that mom is a candidate for treatments. The treatments that are most likely involve taking a pill (chemo in pill form) for four weeks then nothing for two weeks, then four weeks of pills, two weeks without... four weeks with... etc... there is another possible treatment that would involve IV medicine, but that kind of treatment is very specific to certain cancers. Her oncologist will consult with doctors at Dartmouth to see if she is a candidate for that. If mom opts for no treatment the tumor will continue to grow and will continue to make her very sick and she will be in significant pain. With treatments she will experience side effects, and will have to have regular blood tests and catscans. They are going to do another cat scan soon to see if the tumor has changed since surgery. Even with treatment we are unsure what this all means... the treatment, if it works, is designed to stop the blood flow to the tumor which will in turn stop its growth. We don't know what that means as far as life expectancy. Mom is most concerned with quality of life.

This is good news... well... better news than what we have been given up to this point. I got very emotional about this today. I suppose it started last night... when I had a dream that my parents, my sister, and I were sitting in a room in front of a large movie screen waiting to meet with the doctor. In the dream, the doctor came onto the screen and said, "Hi. We don't know anything." Then he left...leaving us with no direction. I didn't sleep well after that and since my planning period was first this morning I went to work a bit late. Mom's appt was at 10:45 this morning. I kept a close eye on the clock. As the day went on I became more and more anxious. By 1:00 I was pretty wound up... by 1:30 I was really stressing... and my ed tech could tell... and kept reminding me to breathe. I called mom and dad's house a few times and knew at 2:00 when their line was busy a few times that they were home and talking... to my sister... (I called her house and could tell she was on the phone) My ed tech asked me how I was doing and the tears started coming... and I felt tense... I decided to not go to track practice and waited to hear from my dad... he called me at 2:18. I was in my classroom. He told me what was going on and I did ok...cried a little towards the end of the conversation with him because I was just so worked up...I didn't want to cry on the phone with him...but I did... after hanging up I lost it..... now a couple hours later I am wiped out and considering going to bed soon.

AS the day went on... I wondered if mom was going through more tests... and wondered what "passing" would be... what would the results show that would make me feel like she had "passed?" I evaluate kids often... and am used to knowing what performances are in the average range, above average, and below average... but medical tests are different...

Maybe it is poetic that today, the first day of spring, we are given some hope... something to hold onto... I want to believe that.... but I am afraid to...

It's strange to me that I am relieved, happy even, that my mom may have three years to live instead of three months.... I am not happy that my mom's life expectancy has been shortened.... but like the doc said, many people respond to the treatments... and I am reminded that my uncle...not related by blood to my mom... was diagnosed with kidney cancer 5 years ago...and is doing well... granted it has been a rough road... but he has had time to make more memories.

the day after today...

Mom goes to the oncologist tomorrow... I hope that we learn something new... something about what is going on and what the next steps are... it makes me anxious... maybe no news is better than the news that we may get... or maybe there will be some hope... I don't know...

This waiting crap sucks.

World's TALLEST Leprechaun

Happy St. Patrick's Day... My sources have told me that I am a wee bit Irish... something I denied for years when people asked if I was... I denied it because I didn't know that I was... until I asked someone in my family that does research on geneology. So I am Irish... but so far today there has been no kissing. Darn it!

It's weird.. all this... knowing how sick my mom is... and living my life.. teaching... coaching... something has drastically changed in my life... yet there are moments of normalcy... and I get mad about that... mad that the whole world hasn't stopped and held its breath... Lots of thoughts go through my head... will my mom be at my wedding... if I get married that is... what does a bride do without her mother? What if I have kids and they don't know my mom? I hate that...

ahhh... enough for now...

Lazy Day

I could not have been more unproductive today if I had tried... My intent was to get school work done... hasn't happened yet. I have been lazing around... My head feels a bit foggy... not sure if it from sleeping in too late or a cold... or exhaustion... not sure. Maybe I am just tired from last night's meet. Who knows... but... a lazy day isn't so bad I suppose.

The F bomb...

The doc said that the nosebleeds are not stress related... though I am not sure I trust that. She said it was just because of dry air... oh well... if they continue she will send me to an ear nose doc.

My knee is screaming for some attention... I need to take time to do the strengthening exercises and need to go to the gym to at least ride the bike.

Woke up to snow on the ground after a few days of mild weather. It should be illegal to snow after March 1st.

I have to coach tonight. Middle school track. At practice the other day one of the girls dropped the F bomb... not realizing I was outside when she did... she was surprised when I yelled to her to come speak with me. She was honest that she did say it. I give her credit for not denying it. I told her that the last athlete that used that kind of language was suspended from competing for two weeks... and I told her that for her, I thought that taking her off the relay team this week would be her minimal consequence. (The relay is her passion!) Later in practice she came to me, apologized, and told me how much track and the relay mean to her. She told me she realized she had made a big mistake. So I asked her....Would you be thinking about this IF I hadn't caught you..... She said no... I told her that she has a lot of natural talent and some natural leadership abilities and that of she plans on continuing with track, she needs to use those skills in a positive way. [I should probably mention that I have spoken to her a couple times at practices when she and a few other girls are standing around chatting when they are supposed to be listening or running.] So, I told her it took a lot to apologize... and that her participation on the team for the remainder of the season would be dependent on a choice she needed to make. I told her that her mom, who I know from coaching an older sibling, would be learning about her daughter's language. I told her that her choice was simple, either she would go home and tell her mother about what happened, or I would call her mother in the morning ot let her know. She said she would tell her, and I said that I thought that was the best choice and that I would call her mom in the morning to confirm her confession. The next morning her mom called me, assured me that her daughter had filled her in on what had happened and wanted to make sure her daughter had not left out any of the details. She was also happy that I had removed her daughter from the relay, saying that there probably could not be any consequence more upsetting. She also asked me to put her daughter in a long distance event in place of the relay, but asked me to not tell her daughter it was her idea. Done! So that's that... no other suspension as long as this girl's behavior at practice improves...oh yeah... and at tonight's meet. She WILL be cheering for the relay team... loudly.

Is it safe yet?

So... I think that I regressed to my childhood... when you are young you think that if you put a blanket over your head nobody can see you... a great disappearing act... well I think that I tried to do that... but in reverse... that if I was hiding from something that IT didn't exist.... not so...

I am feeling a bit more stable and am tentatively coming out of my shell... spent some time with Sara last night, in public even... and did ok... and have decided that if I am out with friends, which I need to be... and if I cry in public... oh well... I was supposed to see her Tuesday, but cancelled... needed a night to just be... and cry... alone... but realize that put her in a bad spot wondering if she should respect that request or if it was me...hiding... so... I may regret saying this but... friends... I may want to hide.. but I need you find me...if I hesistate when you invite me to do something or go somewhere... remind me that I have told my dad to ask for help... and that if I expect him to do that... I myself need to do it too... and seeing people... helps... not saying there won't be times when I really do want to be alone... but I live alone... and the wee hours of the morning are most likely time enough...

I have a dr. appt later today to have my nose checked... have had a few nosebleeds each one getting a little more intense... I think because of stress... so.. I will go to the doc to take care of myself... and let you know....

I'm hiding

No new news

Nothing new to report... still no definite pathology... future unknown...

Just today...now...

It felt good to wake up in my own bed this morning... with all four cats. I am anxious for mom to be able to have that feeling of being in her own bed. Dad too. Being away from mom and dad is hard. I did receive reassuring emails from my aunts that dad is doing ok... and that mom had a good day too... One aunt even comforted me by saying that dad mentioned a few times today how glad he was that Sis and I were going to get back to our routine for a little while because he knows that there most likely will be times that the need for us to be there more than now... So maybe he didn't just tell us that to make us feel better about leaving.

Sis and I were lazy this morning and then a friend of mine called, someone with whom I had been playing phone tag. It was nice to talk with her...then she came by and surprised us with breakfast, bagels and cream cheese from Panera Bread... which totally hit the spot.

I am going to try very hard to let people be there for me. But... my instincts do say, YELL... RETREAT RETREAT... but... I do need people around me.. just like I want people to be around for my parents... and my friends need to do something to help me... and sitting with me will help. I don't think those times will be spent in public... at least for a while... crying into my drink at a local pub is not my idea of a good way to get attention from people. And trust me when I say that when I cry.. it isn't pretty... hyperventilating of some kind is usually involved...maybe because I think holding my breath will prevent me from crying...

So today I tried to stay busy by doing some cleaning... not just neatening up, but cleaning... because I want my place to be presentable when people come by. though friends assure me they won't judge me... I want my apt. to look good... plus it will make me feel like I have some order in my life.

Mom walked a little today... which is good... they took out the epidural and are managing her pain with pills.

I spoke with Rico tonight.. who unfortunately lost his mom to ovarian cancer... he has a different perspective than most. His reminder of this being a marathon not a sprint is helpful... and while this has been exhausting... it is the beginning of a process... a long process.

So... tomorrow I face my coworkers... I have decided to do it in a calculated way. Tomorrow we begin doing the state assessment tests and there is a big push for us to make sure the kids perform optimally... the tests start in the morning and last until midday... If I were to go into work in the morning I would be in no shape to proctor the tests after seeing my friends who will make me cry...and it would also impact their proctoring... so... I have decided to call for a sub... but go to school in the afternoon... for the sole purpose of seeing people before I have to face them for a whole day. I will then coach and go to my class tomorrow night... and Tuesday go to work all day...unless I need to get back to my parents... I am hoping I can put in a full week, other than tomorrow... and even go to the meet this weekend for track.... but I am not going to get too far ahead of myself. That's what I need to do... and may need help from people to remind me... to deal with today...now... not tomorrow... but today...and I know that life changes quickly...

Leaving

Sis and I left the hospital today... and as anticipated... it sucked. We question whether or not it was the right choice. But... Dad and Mom told us that they wanted us to get home, get back into our routines as much as possible...that for the moment the immediate crisis is over...meaning the surgery... and they know that the reality of the situation may require us to come back... On our way to my house we talked about our thoughts on returning and I believe that one or both of us will be returning to our parents' sides soon. It is hard to be away. Nothing made leaving easy... Nothing... but mom was stronger today than she had been thus far, getting up and taking a few steps... and knowing that so many people love us and love mom and dad. There were a lot of visitors today, and I have to say that I am impressed. It is hard enough to visit people in the hospital post surgery when the news is good... but facing people knowing that things did not go as planned and the news being not good... is harder. One of Mom's best friends came today with her husband. I happened to be in the waiting room chatting with an aunt on the phone when they arrived. I greeted them (after hanging up the phone) and we cried... Mom's friend's husband couldn't face mom... crying right along with us... though he did come and say hi to mom before they left. Two of my cousins and their wives stopped in today too... it was great to see them. Their immediate family has had some hellish years too... and they agree that we need some good news. It's amazing what our brains do... how they operate... yesterday Sis and I had gone out for lunch and I wanted to get some comfy stretch pants to wear while sitting up with my mom in the wee hours of the morning... so we went shopping and I found a pair to try on... I tried them on... they fit.. I took them off and started to put my sneakers on... realizing I had forgotten to put my jeans back on.... Look Ma, no pants! That would have been some cute to come out of the dressing room like that. After being with mom from about 3 a.m. until about 6:30 I walked back to the hotel (connected to the hospital) and realized that there were some flowers starting up through the ground... new life... it was a beautiful thing somehow... yet also very wrong...somehow... life going on while it feels like life has completely halted.

The emotional part of this...the ups and downs are severe.. one moment I can't breathe... the next I am making jokes to try to keep people's spirits up... which is very much like my mom...I am a lot like my mom... in personality... and this week have been reminded of how much I look like my father... especially when he is crying. His eyes look bluer...I worry so much about him... it breaks my heart. I can't imagine how he is feeling... Mom has been his life for 37years... I hated to leave today... but we also recognize that mom and dad need time to break down and be alone... as much as that sucks... although I'm not sure mom will... she is so afraid of crying because it will hurt and she is afraid it will make her sick... She was awake starting around 4 this morning and was very chatty... She shared with me that she has a peaceful feeling about this... which I find hard to understand... because I feel the exact opposite of that... exactly opposite...

Is this really happening? There are so many similarities to my grandmother's hospital stay before she died this fall. Maybe it is that way because that is still very fresh in our minds as we are dealt this hand...

Driving home in the pouring rain...darkness...seemed appropriate.

pulling the rug out

Yesterday we got some news that there is some hope... today...that may or may not be the case. The doc came to see us later in the day and said that the initial pathology report may or may not be accurate... it may be clear cell kidney cancer, or it may not. Some of the biopsy tests are confusing the lab... and they may have to do another procedure on Monday... a needle biopsy... at first she refused saying that she will not let her open her up again... but he said it would not involve surgery... and said she would be sedated...though conscious... and she said ok... what we don't know... is if this test could reveal that this is a lymphoma which would be most hopeful for us... or a sarcoma... or if those two things have already been ruled out... we don't know... we don't know... we don't know....

I admire that on some level mom is setting boundaries for what is ok and what is not ok... she has... on some level thought about this being the end of her life... and how she would go out... what she would refuse.... maybe she and dad had those conversations before this surgery. I don't know.

TOmorrow is going to be a hard day... my sister and I are leaving.... for now... we know we will return... and there is never a good time to leave, but this is going to suck... walking out of the hospital with mom still so incapacitated and knowing that she may not be on the road to recovery... and that the next time we see her it could be worse... I hope it's better... but what if this is as good as it's going to be...

she still has faith...

Not a sarcoma.... not lymphoma...

In contrast to what we were told yesterday... the cancer IS a form of kidney cancer. An aggressive form. There are some treatments that MAY work...work in that some pills COULD stop the tumor from growing any more... but it will be there...

Last night I looked at my mom's hospital bracelet... saw her date of birth... which happens to be my birthday as well... different years obviously... for the first time I wonder if we will share this birthday...or any there after...

not good news

Mom had major surgery...and they did not take anything out... the tumor is attached to too many things... and has grown past the midline of her body... it is not kidney cancer... it is either lymphoma or sarcoma... lymphoma is somewhat treatable... sarcoma... not... we find out which it is hopfully on Friday.

she is in good spirits... or needs to win an oscar! Me... I am a wreck

The storm before the storm...

I know that people usually feel the calm before the storm... but we are about to get hit by another Maine storm...more snow... mixed with a lot of ice... making for some nasty conditions. So... a storm before tomorrow's storm... mom's surgery.

My sister got to my house last night and we went to dinner with my friend Sue, who is sweet enough to take care of my cats while I am away. Following dinner Sis asked where we could find a whoopie pie... if you don't know what a whoopie pie is... or worse..have never had one... I'm sorry. I had to think... because lots of places sell them... but few places sell the good ones... and thankfully... a local bakery was open. We split some desserts... 3 to be exact... a whoopie pie (like the one pictured above), a cream horn, and a bismark... YUMMM.... who says food doesn't help with stress?

We slept in a little this morning and then got up, got ready and hit the road. We got to Bangor around 1... did some errands and checked into our hotel. After trying to steer one of those bell hop carts (no bellboys here, had to do it ourselves!) which is in need of a major alignment... we got settled into the room and I took a nap. We could have stayed with one of my aunts... and their offers are greatly appreciated... but my sister and I both felt like getting settled into the place we are going to be for a few days...felt like the right thing to do. After my nap I had a nosebleed... not fun. Not a bad one... but they make me nervous.

This is so crazy... so crazy... that something like this is happening. the c word... cancer... why does it happen? how does it happen? and why to my family, now.. after having dealt with so much with my grandmother this fall? People have asked questions... like what will her treatments be? has it spread? I DON'T KNOW... and I hate not knowing... the need to be in control part of my personality can't stand this...

Mom has to be at the hospital at 4:00 tomorrow... surgery will begin around 5:30... unless the surgeon's schedule pushes it back a little... I hope not. I brought things to try to keep myself busy...knitting... sudoku...my computer.... but none of that does much to make my heart worry less.

While I know how I am feeling... I can't imagine how my mom and dad are feeling tonight. Sleep is doubtful.

I will do my best to post news here...

"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans...."

My plan was to spend the day at school...to get things to a point where I would feel comfortable leaving my classroom for an indefinite amount of time. I got to school and used my fancy key fab thingy... which is computer coded and I simply have to hold it up to a sensor and the door opens... well I held it up... it beeped... the green light flashed... and the door did not open... hmmm... so I carried all my stuff back to my vehicle and drove around to the front entrance... same thing. Hmmm... now what... well...it was something I could not control... and though it made me mad... and made me know that I will have to do a lot of scrambling tomorrow in order to make things work... I figured... it did no good to get upset... and I took my lunch that I had brought with me... and drove to the ocean... to a place where I could stay in my vehicle and enjoy the ocean... it was beautiful. I was not the only one who had that idea... the place I went was pretty crowded... and beautiful...peaceful. I could have stayed there all day, but my bladder had other thoughts so I drove home. It was good that I did because I got to get a lot done here... did laundry got mostly packed for this week's journey. I didn't get to doing my dishes, but that will have to come tomorrow. I also got some school stuff done from here... notes to parents explaining why I will not be attending conferences this week and also advising them about their child going to high school. My sister is arriving tomorrow and I am sure that she will think that my place is a mess... because it is. I will clean it up tomorrow... I am not sure what my plan is beyond tomorrow... I am going to go to work, coach and not go to class... instead I will stay at school and get as much of what I was going to do today done... and the meet up with my sister for dinner. Depending on how much I get done at school... will decide if I go to school Tuesday or if I hit the road to get mentally ready for mom's surgery. It's a whirlwind...