pulling the rug out

Yesterday we got some news that there is some hope... today...that may or may not be the case. The doc came to see us later in the day and said that the initial pathology report may or may not be accurate... it may be clear cell kidney cancer, or it may not. Some of the biopsy tests are confusing the lab... and they may have to do another procedure on Monday... a needle biopsy... at first she refused saying that she will not let her open her up again... but he said it would not involve surgery... and said she would be sedated...though conscious... and she said ok... what we don't know... is if this test could reveal that this is a lymphoma which would be most hopeful for us... or a sarcoma... or if those two things have already been ruled out... we don't know... we don't know... we don't know....

I admire that on some level mom is setting boundaries for what is ok and what is not ok... she has... on some level thought about this being the end of her life... and how she would go out... what she would refuse.... maybe she and dad had those conversations before this surgery. I don't know.

TOmorrow is going to be a hard day... my sister and I are leaving.... for now... we know we will return... and there is never a good time to leave, but this is going to suck... walking out of the hospital with mom still so incapacitated and knowing that she may not be on the road to recovery... and that the next time we see her it could be worse... I hope it's better... but what if this is as good as it's going to be...