Leaving

Sis and I left the hospital today... and as anticipated... it sucked. We question whether or not it was the right choice. But... Dad and Mom told us that they wanted us to get home, get back into our routines as much as possible...that for the moment the immediate crisis is over...meaning the surgery... and they know that the reality of the situation may require us to come back... On our way to my house we talked about our thoughts on returning and I believe that one or both of us will be returning to our parents' sides soon. It is hard to be away. Nothing made leaving easy... Nothing... but mom was stronger today than she had been thus far, getting up and taking a few steps... and knowing that so many people love us and love mom and dad. There were a lot of visitors today, and I have to say that I am impressed. It is hard enough to visit people in the hospital post surgery when the news is good... but facing people knowing that things did not go as planned and the news being not good... is harder. One of Mom's best friends came today with her husband. I happened to be in the waiting room chatting with an aunt on the phone when they arrived. I greeted them (after hanging up the phone) and we cried... Mom's friend's husband couldn't face mom... crying right along with us... though he did come and say hi to mom before they left. Two of my cousins and their wives stopped in today too... it was great to see them. Their immediate family has had some hellish years too... and they agree that we need some good news. It's amazing what our brains do... how they operate... yesterday Sis and I had gone out for lunch and I wanted to get some comfy stretch pants to wear while sitting up with my mom in the wee hours of the morning... so we went shopping and I found a pair to try on... I tried them on... they fit.. I took them off and started to put my sneakers on... realizing I had forgotten to put my jeans back on.... Look Ma, no pants! That would have been some cute to come out of the dressing room like that. After being with mom from about 3 a.m. until about 6:30 I walked back to the hotel (connected to the hospital) and realized that there were some flowers starting up through the ground... new life... it was a beautiful thing somehow... yet also very wrong...somehow... life going on while it feels like life has completely halted.

The emotional part of this...the ups and downs are severe.. one moment I can't breathe... the next I am making jokes to try to keep people's spirits up... which is very much like my mom...I am a lot like my mom... in personality... and this week have been reminded of how much I look like my father... especially when he is crying. His eyes look bluer...I worry so much about him... it breaks my heart. I can't imagine how he is feeling... Mom has been his life for 37years... I hated to leave today... but we also recognize that mom and dad need time to break down and be alone... as much as that sucks... although I'm not sure mom will... she is so afraid of crying because it will hurt and she is afraid it will make her sick... She was awake starting around 4 this morning and was very chatty... She shared with me that she has a peaceful feeling about this... which I find hard to understand... because I feel the exact opposite of that... exactly opposite...

Is this really happening? There are so many similarities to my grandmother's hospital stay before she died this fall. Maybe it is that way because that is still very fresh in our minds as we are dealt this hand...

Driving home in the pouring rain...darkness...seemed appropriate.