Just today...now...

It felt good to wake up in my own bed this morning... with all four cats. I am anxious for mom to be able to have that feeling of being in her own bed. Dad too. Being away from mom and dad is hard. I did receive reassuring emails from my aunts that dad is doing ok... and that mom had a good day too... One aunt even comforted me by saying that dad mentioned a few times today how glad he was that Sis and I were going to get back to our routine for a little while because he knows that there most likely will be times that the need for us to be there more than now... So maybe he didn't just tell us that to make us feel better about leaving.

Sis and I were lazy this morning and then a friend of mine called, someone with whom I had been playing phone tag. It was nice to talk with her...then she came by and surprised us with breakfast, bagels and cream cheese from Panera Bread... which totally hit the spot.

I am going to try very hard to let people be there for me. But... my instincts do say, YELL... RETREAT RETREAT... but... I do need people around me.. just like I want people to be around for my parents... and my friends need to do something to help me... and sitting with me will help. I don't think those times will be spent in public... at least for a while... crying into my drink at a local pub is not my idea of a good way to get attention from people. And trust me when I say that when I cry.. it isn't pretty... hyperventilating of some kind is usually involved...maybe because I think holding my breath will prevent me from crying...

So today I tried to stay busy by doing some cleaning... not just neatening up, but cleaning... because I want my place to be presentable when people come by. though friends assure me they won't judge me... I want my apt. to look good... plus it will make me feel like I have some order in my life.

Mom walked a little today... which is good... they took out the epidural and are managing her pain with pills.

I spoke with Rico tonight.. who unfortunately lost his mom to ovarian cancer... he has a different perspective than most. His reminder of this being a marathon not a sprint is helpful... and while this has been exhausting... it is the beginning of a process... a long process.

So... tomorrow I face my coworkers... I have decided to do it in a calculated way. Tomorrow we begin doing the state assessment tests and there is a big push for us to make sure the kids perform optimally... the tests start in the morning and last until midday... If I were to go into work in the morning I would be in no shape to proctor the tests after seeing my friends who will make me cry...and it would also impact their proctoring... so... I have decided to call for a sub... but go to school in the afternoon... for the sole purpose of seeing people before I have to face them for a whole day. I will then coach and go to my class tomorrow night... and Tuesday go to work all day...unless I need to get back to my parents... I am hoping I can put in a full week, other than tomorrow... and even go to the meet this weekend for track.... but I am not going to get too far ahead of myself. That's what I need to do... and may need help from people to remind me... to deal with today...now... not tomorrow... but today...and I know that life changes quickly...