Half full of half empty?

News. Finally. I think...

Mom met with the oncologist today. He said that the results of the biopsy are not cut and dry, however there is, in his opinion, enough evidence to diagnose mom with kidney cancer. Whether it is renal cell or clear cell cancer, he is unsure at this point. However, he does feel that mom is a candidate for treatments. The treatments that are most likely involve taking a pill (chemo in pill form) for four weeks then nothing for two weeks, then four weeks of pills, two weeks without... four weeks with... etc... there is another possible treatment that would involve IV medicine, but that kind of treatment is very specific to certain cancers. Her oncologist will consult with doctors at Dartmouth to see if she is a candidate for that. If mom opts for no treatment the tumor will continue to grow and will continue to make her very sick and she will be in significant pain. With treatments she will experience side effects, and will have to have regular blood tests and catscans. They are going to do another cat scan soon to see if the tumor has changed since surgery. Even with treatment we are unsure what this all means... the treatment, if it works, is designed to stop the blood flow to the tumor which will in turn stop its growth. We don't know what that means as far as life expectancy. Mom is most concerned with quality of life.

This is good news... well... better news than what we have been given up to this point. I got very emotional about this today. I suppose it started last night... when I had a dream that my parents, my sister, and I were sitting in a room in front of a large movie screen waiting to meet with the doctor. In the dream, the doctor came onto the screen and said, "Hi. We don't know anything." Then he left...leaving us with no direction. I didn't sleep well after that and since my planning period was first this morning I went to work a bit late. Mom's appt was at 10:45 this morning. I kept a close eye on the clock. As the day went on I became more and more anxious. By 1:00 I was pretty wound up... by 1:30 I was really stressing... and my ed tech could tell... and kept reminding me to breathe. I called mom and dad's house a few times and knew at 2:00 when their line was busy a few times that they were home and talking... to my sister... (I called her house and could tell she was on the phone) My ed tech asked me how I was doing and the tears started coming... and I felt tense... I decided to not go to track practice and waited to hear from my dad... he called me at 2:18. I was in my classroom. He told me what was going on and I did ok...cried a little towards the end of the conversation with him because I was just so worked up...I didn't want to cry on the phone with him...but I did... after hanging up I lost it..... now a couple hours later I am wiped out and considering going to bed soon.

AS the day went on... I wondered if mom was going through more tests... and wondered what "passing" would be... what would the results show that would make me feel like she had "passed?" I evaluate kids often... and am used to knowing what performances are in the average range, above average, and below average... but medical tests are different...

Maybe it is poetic that today, the first day of spring, we are given some hope... something to hold onto... I want to believe that.... but I am afraid to...

It's strange to me that I am relieved, happy even, that my mom may have three years to live instead of three months.... I am not happy that my mom's life expectancy has been shortened.... but like the doc said, many people respond to the treatments... and I am reminded that my uncle...not related by blood to my mom... was diagnosed with kidney cancer 5 years ago...and is doing well... granted it has been a rough road... but he has had time to make more memories.