It's the little things...

So, in the midst of the hurricane I forgot it was also the full moon... 

maybe I didn't forget... because the weather broadcasters talked about the moon making the tides higher... but I had forgotten about the full moon factor at school... until today.  

C-R-A-Z-Y!!! 

From stolen cell phones, to facebook drama, to more facebook drama, to suicide encouraging graffiti because of sexuality, to facebook drama, to angry students, to parent meetings, to phone calls, to a boy hearing demonic voices in his head telling him to kill people, to possession of tobacco, to boy girl drama, to detention drama... 

It was a crazy day... one of those days where I was like a cat chasing my tail, for no reason... I was so busy today but it felt so non productive... and then in the midst of crazy there are moments of clarity... 

In between the crazy moments today a student showed up at my office.  A student that has become a frequent flyer... not because I call him down, but because he drops in... and in our recent visits we have talked about his grades... specifically one class... in which he is struggling.  He told me that the teacher doesn't explain some of the math things in a way he can understand... and I told him that he should stop by sometime and I would help him... 

He has grinned each time I told him, like yeah sure lady... but today he came in and I asked how he was doing and he said he was doing well... and I thought that was it.  Then he said... so.. I have this problem... and I thought he was talking about personal stuff... but then he said do you have a piece of paper... and when I gave it to him, he proceeded to write down a math problem... and I got to wear my teacher hat... and helped him through it... and he was happy... or seemed happy... that was good...

And then.. later in the day when I was walking to do some investigating about the stolen cell phone... I came across a student who was working quietly kind of off by himself...with permission... and I know of him, from his teachers, but have had little interaction with him... he is a bit of an outsider... instead of a backpack, he carries  a suitcase... not one of the ones with wheels, the old school kind, that looks like it is supposed to be leather or snakeskin or some other weird texture... and somehow he still goes under most radars... so as I walked by him and smiled he returned my smile... and after I walked by he stopped me... and stood up, and thanked me for the candy... 

He's a band kid... competed this past weekend at the marching band competition... I had gone, to see the kids, and because it was their championship and close to Halloween, I had taken a big bag of candy to give them... after the competition I found one of their 'coaches' and told him to please pass it out to the kids for me and to tell them I was proud of them... 

So this kid said thanks for the candy... and we proceeded to chat about the competition... and he said it was nice for me to go to the competition... especially since I had already been to one... 

That was nice.  I want kids to know that I see them... support them... 

As with teaching... it is the small things that make it worth it... and I appreciate those moments... 

A friend recently reminded me that I get very invested in the lives of 'my' kids... that in some ways I put too much weight in whether or not they turn out okay... that I need to realize I can't save them all... 

I get that.  I do.  And I can name some kids for whom, as a teacher, I was ineffective... just didn't click as I would  have liked... and I know now, in this job, the same can be said... but I am working hard to try to connect... and have accepted that sometimes... sometimes I have to be the enemy... 

I sometimes have to be the bad guy and enforce the rules... because that's my job.....

But I also hope, because I do have hope, that being a bad guy somehow motivates them... or gives them a moment to pause... and maybe change direction... I know later, with more experience, given the same situation I may handle things differently... but then again, maybe I won't... 

I know that it is not my job to fix them, fix their lives, and ensure their future... 

But it is my responsibility to help them learn about who they are, to advocate for themselves, to learn how to change their lives, so that they have a choice in their future... 

so that they have a chance.  

So in the midst of the full moon... the chaotic full moon... there are moments when I know, undoubtedly, that this is where I am supposed to be... doing what I am doing... 

one little thing at a time...