The Talk

He said to me today, "I would love to talk, but I get the feeling it's a conversation  you don't want to have..."

Truth is... it's not a conversation I am unwilling to have.... not a conversation I would not want to have...but... I'm not sure it's a conversation he wants to have...

He's a person who has been in my life for a while... truth is, I can't remember exactly how long... I met him before my mother was diagnosed with colon cancer...(unrelated to the kidney cancer that destroyed her...)  And I have a bad sense of timing... trying to figure out how much time has passed for things, like getting to know people, is hard.  I remember that it has been three and a half years since Mom died... as of yesterday... but things before that and the timeline of things when mom was really sick is hard for me to sort through... so... I would say I have known this person for five or six years... and I think my poor memory about that bothers him.  He is a person who was someone I turned to for support through different things... We spent New Year's Eve together, when the calendar turned from 2008 to 2009... that I remember because it was a night we shared with Sara and Phil and a couple of other people... and just before midnight I disappeared from the party and needed to be alone... and tried to escape to the kitchen... because in that moment I realized that was the year I would lose my mom...

He was a person with whom many conversations were had about the possibility of a relationship... he's a good person... but there were circumstances that were difficult... mainly distance...but to be honest, before Mom had been diagnosed with the kidney cancer I had considered what it would be like to uproot my life for someone... but once Mom was diagnosed, my focus became much smaller... and I worked hard, as I have done before, to push him away, to distance myself from him.  The quirks about him which I had noticed  became deal-breakers in my mind... insurmountable.  Despite his idea of me moving there and then him, not much later, moving here, was not appealing... and there were times when I was so unplugged... he and I had conversations... that he has since referenced to me, and I don't recollect them.

I think it feels to him, like a cop out... that I don't remember some of those conversations that he has held onto, taken things from, and hopes to revisit... but as my sister and I have talked about, there is a lot during the time Mom was really sick and for a while after she died, that is so foggy... He called.  He checked on me... He was someone I cried to... and I am sure he helped me through things... but I pulled away and somewhere in there told him it wasn't even an option for me... that I appreciated his friendship.... and he was hurt... and rightfully so, distanced himself from me... The idea of a relationship somewhere in that mix was something that I didn't want... while there was part of me that craved comfort there was a bigger part of me that didn't want to risk loving someone because of the pain involved in losing that person... and I was unable to articulate that well... in those moments, and am not even sure I can do it well now...

Something inside me, when Mom died, felt really responsible for Dad. At the time there was no way I would even consider being further away from him  and even had thoughts of moving closer to 'home.'  But as people know I stayed put and because things with Dad have changed, he now has Betty, I felt that in my recent job search I could expand my search radius... but as much as I would like to think I could up and move across the country (Or to Hawaii!) for a dream job or even true love... I can't.  Well... I suppose I could.  I suppose it is not a matter of ability or inability... I don't want to.  I like being close enough to be able to drive to see my Dad and to see my sister... and I now have my dream job...

So over the last couple of years  he and I have stayed in touch through facebook... and an occasional phone call... through relationships and dating other people... I was happy this summer when I had learned he was in a relationship... perhaps felt a little relieved... feeling in some way that he was still holding out hope that one day I would decide to give things a shot, a real shot... but my ego wasn't unhappy when that relationship ended and he reached out to me... but I knew what was coming... more frequent contact... and 'the conversation' referenced at the beginning of this post...

One of my Friends pointed something out to me... that the men who have been in my life (dating life)... for the most part, are still in my life, in some capacity... with a couple of exceptions, welcomed exceptions! Why is that? Is it because I feel responsible, on some level, for them? Is it because it was always engrained in me to be a good person who is nice to people and would feel bad about myself if on some level I couldn't categorize a relationship as having some kind of happy ending... some kind of resolution?  Or do I, on some level, welcome that contact, or perhaps even crave it? Do I get satisfaction from knowing they haven't forgotten me? That I meant something to them? Is it like being on the playground as a kid and having my mother's voice in my head telling me I need to be nice to everyone? Or do I really want their friendship? Was the other parts of the relationships truly built on a friendship first and those friendships are something I value?

I have been in situations, relationships where I wanted things to be more serious than the guy did... and I held onto the hope of its evolution far too long... one specifically comes to mind...  and in some ways I feel guilty because this man, this conversation, puts me in a way, on the opposite side of the same situation... with different players...

If he was here... easily accessible... things may work... it would be fun to spend time together... he gets along with my friends, makes me laugh... we would date, I am sure.. would it work? Perhaps... perhaps not...

So he recently began this conversation again... telling me he has never really stopped thinking about it, hoping it would work out... because he thinks we would be great together... and has once again asked me to consider a long distance situation with the intent of me, sooner than later, moving there... then us moving back here... I am not moving.

I am in a place that I love... a job I have worked hard to get and am loving... life feels like it is stable, for the first time in a long time... and I am not willing to upset that... which to me, means that a relationship with him... isn't what my heart wants... I am a person that goes for what I want.. and if I wanted it... with him... I think I would explore the option... and part of me is pissed because he assumes I would just give up things here that I have worked so hard for... which in his defense, when he talked about moving here, I shot it down. Done that before, had someone move here to be with me...moved in with me... not doing that again.  Not willing to become someone's whole world, friend, girlfriend, resume builder, job finder, and social director...been there, done that... ended up resenting it all... and someone said to me.. if he is so convinced of things.. he would not ask me about moving here, he would do it... get a new job, find a place to live... and then ask to date me... but we don't have the foundation we would need to even begin to do the long distance thing... with which I think he would disagree...again... the fog of mom's illness and after her death... blocked out a lot of things... and the disconnections I made during that time... are really things about which that I have difficulty remembering...

So... it is a conversation that needs to happen... and I need to be direct...and realize that for him, perhaps, a friendship with me is not something he wants to or should maintain...