Helpless

Helpless... is one of the feelings I most hate...
My friend Debbie is fighting for her life... Last summer she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer... at that time she was put on some different drug treatments after being told that for her, it was going to be about managing her care and her cancer... which I thought of as one of the lines from one of the songs in rent, "Living with, not dying from disease..."  I have tried to be optimistic about it... while being scared for her...never understanding fully why they didn't do a mastectomy... even though they already knew the cancer had spread...I felt like they, the doctors, should remove what they could... but they didn't...  she has been strong... and has been doing all that the doctors have asked her to do...
Two weeks ago... she noticed a difference in the tumor... and it was confirmed by her doctors... the cancer has outsmarted the drugs and is once again growing... So the doctors have to change their strategy... try different drugs... and this time, she will lose her hair... For her, I think, is almost as significant as the diagnosis... which may sound dramatic... but... since her diagnosis, life, for her son, has not been that different... and she has been able to work, been able to interact with strangers and not have them look at her like she is sick, like she has cancer... even though she does... losing her hair will shout to the world that she is battling... and I am sure means people will treat her differently...
It felt different for me when Betty had to shave her head... because the chemo was causing it to fall out... it felt different because as far as we know, Betty was cancer free after her surgery, and her chemo was preventative, as is the radiation she is currently undergoing... but I think I thought of it, in a way, like the scar on my knee... a sign of something I survived... but for Debbie.. I think it is a huge doorway into unknown territory...and if it were me... it would feel like the beginning of the downhill end... and I am timid to even type that... because Deb has been one of my blog buddies over the years, though I haven't heard her reference it in a while, so maybe she isn't... but then there is part of me... that hopes she does read this... because I want her to know that I love her... I have been trying to tell her, through calls, texts, and messages.. Understandably, she has been secluding herself... and has asked for space... and while I understand it, I hate it.  I hate that she is so scared and even though she has her husband and son, I am sure she feels so so alone... and I hate that there is nothing I can do to take that away from her.
A lot of thoughts go through my head about this... about cancer... and I get so angry at the lack of fairness... I do not want to ever have to face cancer like Debbie is, like Mom did, as the person fighting for their life... and as I have shared, given that diagnosis, I am moving to Oregon... but... there is also a part of me that feels really guilty... for not having cancer... because maybe, if there was any fairness... someone like Debbie who has a husband and a son, wouldn't be facing this... I felt like this when Mom was so sick... and knowing how hard it was for Dad... somehow it feels like it would hurt less people if it were me...

And now... I worry that saying that 'out loud' will somehow bring it to me... and I worry that saying it out loud will hurt the people who would be upset if it was me... and it's not that I think I am unworthy of living ... living without cancer... but it is how my brain tries to make sense of it... trying again to make sense of something that makes no sense..

There have been some recent events to raise money for cancer... including the Dempsey Challenge... Jacey had organized a team to walk in honor of Betty and I was invited to do it... and I didn't... not because I don't support Betty.. I do.. I love her and am so proud of her, for so much... and am so grateful she has put her body and mind through so much to do all she can to ensure she remains cancer free... but there is also this part of me, a big part... that thinks surviving cancer is a crapshoot... some people survive it and some don't...  Do I think that the medical research has helped keep many people alive? Yes.  But... I also think that no matter how much research, no matter how much money is raised... cancer will survive... as we work to cure it we also provide it with more opportunities to learn to outsmart more and more drugs... which I believe makes it stronger... does that mean I think the research and fundraising should stop? Of course not.  For all I know, without that research, without the drugs, Betty would not have the good prognosis she has...

Cancer sucks.

I know that's not an epiphany... I know I am not the first person to say it, to think it, to post it somewhere... but it really does... I would imagine that it would be hard to find someone who has not known someone who has battled it... unfortunately too many people, too many families know it too intimately...

I don't know how to help Debbie... if she wants help shaving her head, I would be there... and I am sure I would be crying with her... if she wants me to go with her to treatments and try to come up with ways to make her laugh, I will... if she wants me to take her out and not mention cancer... I will.... if she wants me to just sit with her and be pissed off, I can easily do that... easily do that...

So in the meantime... I think of her so often... and debate about just showing up at her house... because I think, perhaps egotistically, she needs that... when she was diagnosed I just showed up... and I think it was good... but I want to respect her wishes... I know that things that are within her control are important to have control over... but I don't know what to do... how do I help my friend?