More or Less

After spending the week with Sis and the boys, I am ready for the next few weeks...at least I think I am... the week was great.  I am really proud of Sis and the parent she is being to the boys.  Lots of things have changed in her life recently and she is not just dealing with the changes... she is embracing them... and she is happy...

I am in the midst of packing... seems like I have been packing for a long time.  (Actually I have... after finishing my masters last year I started packing in anticipation of getting anew job and a new place to live...)  But most recently I have been packing up the final items... today I packed up my kitchen... even the food in my pantry... which is great... until dinner time rolled around... I thought I would just do breakfast for dinner.. but then realized the frying pans for an egg are packed... so I ended up just getting a few things at the grocery store... Movers come on Friday... and I get my keys Wednesday... today I loaded some things in my truck that I want to move myself, things I am nervous about the movers moving... including things mom made for me that would devastate me if they were broken... and I want to move my painting... so everything else is packed up more or less... just my clothes left and my tvs... and work is going to be busy too... full days, two that include district administrator meetings... so this week will be hectic...But it is exciting... the district meetings mean that I will get to meet a lot of new people and I get to start living in my new place... things are good... and I am happy...

Sis and I were talking while we were together this week...and she seems convinced that things are gonna be good for a while.. for both of us... we talked about how the last 5 years... have involved so much... my knee surgery, the loss of both grandmothers, losing Mom, a separation for Sis and a move into her own apartment, new jobs for both of us, and both have upcoming moves....As Sis pointed out, those are the significant life events people talk about as major life stressors... and they all happened in a short amount of time, relatively... changes that could have sent us both into tailspins... and  maybe did for moments... but I think we both managed to pull up at just the right moments and kept the wings of our planes parallel to the ground, more or less... and here we are... Happy... not just ok... not fine, not good... but Happy... and it terrifies me on some level... because it is not something that feels familiar... it feels like it is something I need to learn, something I need to know how to navigate... and I keep telling myself to just let go... to go with the flow... to let the wind take me for a while and just smile and enjoy the scenery... and I am ... more or less... I have moments where I feel so non stressed... being at the beach this week with Sis and the boys... I forgot that I am a new assistant principal for a school with more than twice the number of students as the high school I attended... that I have so much to learn... I forgot that I had an apartment full of packed  boxes with more to be filled...and just enjoyed... I boogie boarded and finally got the timing down for catching the wave at the just the right moment and made it all the way into the beach... and it was so fun... I will share pictures soon, after Sis shares them with me... I was able to let go... and then there are moments when I would check my email on my phone... with a feeling that there was going to be something there indicating that the bottom had fallen out somewhere or another... and relieved when  I learn it hasn't... I think it's a process...

I have talked about it before, about how I see myself as a glass half full kind of girl... but while I am looking at its fullness I also look to see where the plug is located ... if that makes sense...

But... I do think that Happy is something I can learn to do well... as crazy as that sounds... The last couple of times I have been out shopping I have overheard a lot of conversations... yesterday I had stopped at Walmart... decided to stock up on household stuff for my new place... and I heard a couple in the next aisle... and the man was upset because he could not find something he wanted... he raised his voice, yelling, expressing his frustration at the place for no longer carrying a product it had carried for over two years... the woman tried to tell him to keep his voice down and that just further infuriated him... and he added some profanities to the mix... and then tonight... at the grocery store... there were two men who seemed to cross my paths a few times.. first at the deli and they both were very polite and personable.  They had a few things in a basket and then later I saw them, frustrated with each other, their basket empty and one saying he was so pissed off he couldn't believe it and the other man suggesting he call one of their friends...and that didn't seem to help calm down the angry guy... And I wondered... is the world getting more angry... or am I less angry... the battle of more or less...

I remember after Mom died... I had gone to get gas and the pump did not print a receipt... and the person manning the pumps couldn't figure out how to print one for me from his little booth... and I went off on him... not caring that he was new, not caring that I could go inside the main store to get a hard copy... I was pissed... not at him... at the world... he just happened to be the person who faced the wrath... and there were other similar moments where I overreacted to things because I was so angry at the world... So now I wonder now... when I seem to have more patience (at an oceanfront store I found a couple of things for my new place, the cashier was very very slow to the customer in front of me and to me and it was annoying, but I was patient...) So am I more happy or less angry? Does less of one lead to more of the other?  And less of one leading to more of the other?

I don't know.

I do know... that I am thrilled to be moving this week... I have so many ideas of how to make it my home... not a place to live... but a home... and I am happy... I just need to trust that it's going to last... and just like catching the waves at the beach... when the timing is right.. you just have to enjoy the ride... more or less...