Seriously?

I am only posting this now.. because I already talked to my dad about it... and he knows that I was nervous.. but hope he also knows I am okay...

It has been a hell of a week...

Monday I had a lot of anxiety... the other AP came into my office part way through the day and gave me a bag of M&Ms... and told me to save them... until the big meeting... until I needed them... a very sweet gesture.  The big meeting...was an expulsion hearing... to see if one of my students should be kicked out of school... I had to 'testify'... and it was hard... to sit in a room with so many people and talk about my professional opinion about whether or not a student should be expelled... apparently each expulsion hearing is different... some include lawyers, some do not... when they do, there are cross examinations... like court, but yet it isn't court... Knowing the history... just made me sad.  A kid's life..... filled with neglect... perhaps abuse... surrounded by a bureaucratic system which has greatly failed him... is now in a place where he is held accountable for his actions... yet has no control over the actions of those adults who are supposed to protect him.. who are responsible for him... and I had to give my account of my interaction with him... about the incident which led to him being suspended in the first place... it was hard... the longer I sat there listening... the harder it was.. the more sad I became... the mom looked over at me, tears in her eyes... and wanting me to do something... somehow wanting help... and I was angry that the system (child protection) has failed this kid so miserably... So when I went to work Tuesday I was pretty tired... an not too sure what happened that day, it's a blur... oh yeah... it was the day I kept my kids after school for the study group... and got to bond with one of the kids there I adore... talked to her about her favorite author and joked about what she would do if she ever got to meet him... she was so cute... and what she doesn't know... is that she is going to get an autographed copy of a book from him!!!  I cannot wait for that!! (Due in part to my mom... but that story will come later!)

Wednesday is much more clear... I was in the midst of meeting with some kids... and got a call that a teacher who had been outside had seen a student on top of a moving car... I immediately thought some kids were car surfing... where one kid drives the car and the other is on the roof... but I was wrong... it was worse... kids from one of our classes were asked to make movies.. and were given some freedom... to be throughout the building as well as outside the building... and he and his classmates... got a grand idea... the kid got his car from the parking lot, drove it to the top of the hill in front of our school... started going down the hill... put the car in neutral... and the car started rolling... oh, with all doors open... he... gets on the hood and makes some funny faces and poses as he and the car roll by the school... with another class outside... with other cars parked along the road... and nobody behind the wheel... then... as the car was picking up speed he jumps off the hood and barely manages to get inside the car, start it and drive it to the parking lot...  as he is walking back to the building with his classmates, we confront him... and I take the camera... asking them if it was even remotely possible that they were involved with  a driver-less car rolling down the street... to their credit.. they fessed up... the video was crazy... and I was mad.. pissed at this kid for putting himself in danger, as well as the other kids who were outside... the property damage that could have been done... all kinds of crazy...  the school police officer had come outside with the other asst. principal and me and much to my dismay, gave the kid a warning instead of charging him... WHAT? yup... said it was an idiotic thing, said he could have hurt himself or others, but he didn't... and he wasn't going to charge... we later had words about that... but he is the law in our school and I have to respect his decision.  I am sure I have made decisions that he has not agreed with, but it is my right to make such decisions... so.. since the kid got no charges I was even more mad... and suspended the kid... for three days, which in my opinion was MORE than fair... but because of the timing... a suspension for the end of the week means prom is taken away... (Prom is this weekend!)  well... when I told this kid he would not be able to go to the prom.. he got very angry... stormed out.. and I had no idea where he was going... I was scared that he may take off in his car and drive erratically and have an accident... but eventually he returned to my office... he broke.. crying and begging me to let him go to prom... and I told him I was concerned that what triggered any emotion from him was the idea of not going to prom, but that his actions, putting so many people including himself at risk, was not a big deal to him... a crucial part of this story... is that this is a kid who is probably the most mentally ill student in our building... has had suicidal and homicidal thoughts...has a childhood filled with trauma and violence.... so the social worker and school police officer stayed close by as things unfolded... I stepped out at one point, leaving the student, his mom, and our social worker in my office... the social worker wanted to assess his safety status... and stepped into another situation... a girl had made some verbal threats towards another student and I had to suspend her... and she freaked out and stormed out... also an unstable kid... when I returned to my office, he again asked if I would change my mind about prom... I said I couldn't... said that if he didn't like my decision he could appeal to the principal... and made him an appointment for today.. after the student and parent left, the other assistant principal, the cop, the social worker and I met to talk about everything... the topic... prom...... I also again told the officer I was annoyed he didn't charge the kid...... because in this kids mind... not getting charged meant it wasn't a big deal... and this kid...does not do well with grays.. he needs black and whites... as the four of us talked... I became worried that this kid would kill himself if he wasn't allowed to go to prom.. the social worker agreed with me and added to my worry by saying she would also worry about him hurting someone else... and since I was the person taking away this huge event... I may be his target... and what the police officer said next.. sent chills down my spine... he said, "If this kid is banned from the prom I am telling you that I will be taking pictures of this kid to the prom and will give them to the other police officers who will be on duty... and I will tell them that if this kid shows up he will not be there to have a good time and that the police should be ready to use deadly force."... he was thinking this kid would show up ready and able to hurt people... and again, he said, I would be at the top of his list... so... if I don't let him go... I risk putting him, myself, and my other students at risk ... huge risk... and if I change my mind... what message does that send to the other students about their behaviors and about consequences of their behaviors?  After talking about it A LOT... I decided that it was probably safest for me to allow him to go to prom.. and we all agreed that somehow, he needed to know it was me who was changing the decision, me who was doing him a huge favor by letting him come... the social worker said she was going to check in with the kid later in the day and I asked her to see if he would give her permission to give me his cell number so I could talk to him... he agreed...
I was at work late last night...and called the kid a couple of times, but it went to voicemail... I left him a message saying that I had been thinking about things all day... that I was considering reconsidering... and that before I give the principal my final recommendation I needed information from him... about what he was willing to do for consequences instead of losing prom...
around 8:30 I got an email from him... saying he was at work and wondered if we could talk today before we met with the principal... and I wrote back telling him no... that I had to follow up with a lot of things... which was true... after dealing with him we had a few other big situations arise and I had two meetings this morning.. yadda yadda yadda... in my email to him I explained to him what position I was in... how I felt that if he was another kid I would pull the prom and not think twice... but because of the things he has gone through I needed to consider things differently... I told him that my heart was telling me that it would be detrimental to him if I said no to the prom... but that my head was telling me that I should not let him come due to the need to set an example, to help him and other kids learn about being safe and making bad choices... and about the predicament I would be put in if I let him go and another kid screwed up and I didn't let them go... and how that would possibly be seen as fair...
So I told him.. he needed to tell me what he was willing to do... in order to regain some of  the trust that he had lost.... I told him I knew he had to work and that he would be tired and that I did not expect a long email.. but I wanted him to list some things... and offered some things he may want to consider... (he is also at risk of not graduating... and needs some academic time after school...)  I told him that his response would cause me to follow my heart or my head... and he needed to consider things carefully.
The last time I checked my email last night was about 11:30 and when I didn't see a response from him I was nervous.. nervous because I wondered if I had sent this kid over the edge... wondered if he was going to be even more angry with me... and knew that if he did not respond... there is no way I would have been able to say that he could return to the prom... and then I would be back where I was before...
So after a sleepless night, I woke up early and before getting out of bed, checked my email and there was a response from him... It was more than I expected... he wrote about his actions... about understanding why I was in a hard position, appreciated my taking time to write to him to explain things... and said that my thoughtfulness and giving him an opportunity to regain the prom showed how kind I am and how grateful he would be for a chance to go... he developed quite a list of things he would do to keep the prom... he gave himself some consequences and went further than I would have... including losing his senior privileges, driving privileges, being required to stay after school, and working in his teacher's classroom to try to apologize to the teacher for violating her trust and to try to repair that damage... that helping her clean or whatever would be helpful... and it felt authentic...
So... this morning we were supposed to all meet (principal, other asst. principal, me, social worker) to kind of plan out what the meeting with this boy and his mom would look like.. but... we all know life is what happens when you are making other plans... I was involved with trying to keep peace between two students who are in a program in our school for significantly emotionally disabled kids... and these two got heated... and it came very close to coming to blows... the closest to being involved in stopping a fight I have ever been... but think we settled it... at least for today... and I made my way to the principal's office where the student and his mom were waiting... we did get  a few minutes to chat before inviting them into his office... and I asked the principal to let me run the meeting... and told him at the end that he needed to say to the kid that my decision was a gift to him... and that we are concerned for his safety and ours at the prom and that we will search him... the principal agreed... and we had them come in... I started the meeting and explained what had happened and shared the emails we exchanged... I said that I felt that we needed to give him the opportunity to go to prom because he had outlined a plan that I felt was pretty fair... the social worker asked him why his response had shifted to taking accountability when yesterday he saw it as not a big deal and saw me as being mean to him... he was articulate... and said that my email had really made him think about things... and that he understood that he put me in a bad situation... and he understood where I was coming from... and realized that he was lucky that nobody was hurt... so... we wrapped up the meeting... and the principal played the role I asked him to... I think we are okay... and I think it is the best decision... I feel having him at the prom is safer than not having him there... and also feel that the self imposed consequences will most likely be the way he manages to graduate... so hopefully a win win for us all...

I admit it.. I was scared... for the first time in my career... I wondered if I would be a target... wondered if this kid would shoot me because I said he couldn't go to a dance... but... probably naively so... believe that he gets it... for now... in these moments of lucidity...

And it's only Thursday....