Perspective...

So... I have no idea where this post will go.. my head is swirling in so many different directions... I am stressed... really really stressed... and it is good stress... but still overwhelming.  A friend of mine reminded me to step back... and to look at the good things happening...to worry less about the unknown... 

I know he is right... perspective is important... like this picture I just found on google... I like it... you have a broad view of things, but the frame makes you focus on the road... 

So... as I posted before I have a new job...but... the way that things work it is not yet official.  

The interview committee said I am the top choice for the job... and the next step is meeting with the superintendent on June 28, which I was told is just a formality... but then it has to go to the school board... which may not happen until July 9! UGH... I hate waiting.  This is a GREAT job, an AMAZING opportunity... A job I think I would LOVE... I would be able to stay in this area, keeping my support system and my kayak spots... but...because I have not signed a contract there is always a chance that something random will happen and the position could fall through... so... I have to keep job searching...grumble grumble... So... I have an interview on June 27th... for a job that has many pluses and minuses.  It's a principal position vs. an assistant principal... in a small town...about two hours away... a job that has been cut from the budget but because of community support was put back in the budget... so stability may not be there... and... there are only two external candidates interviewing... they have already done the internal interviews and apparently have not chosen one of their own... and... because of its size I would be very comfortable jumping into that role, as principal... but I fear that my professional growth would be more limited in some ways.  The more local job will provide lots of opportunity to work with a very diverse population, ethnically, economically, and in many other ways... the two hour away job would have some economic diversity... Here I would have people next to me, another asst. principal and a principal, to help show me the ropes... the 2 hour away job, I would be flying solo... 

I would not be honest if I said that the idea of having my own school, being THE person in charge, making all the decisions.... was not appealing.  It is.  Very.  I have a clear vision of what I think should be happening in a school and would work hard to get a school moving in that direction... But... I feel there are experiences here that I would learn from.... and would give me experience that would really put me in a great position to move into another role whenever I chose to move on...  

I have not been offered the two hour away job... so I really can't begin to make a choice...but I have to think about it.  And I am stressed most about it I think, because I may be forced to make a decision I don't want to make based on timing.  If the two hour away job is willing to have me sign a contract before the local job... what do I do? I don't dare not to sign a contract because I want change so badly...but... I do want it to be what I want it to be... I don't want to feel forced into one position over another... perhaps my saving grace will be the 4th of July.  I imagine both districts will be shut down for a few days over the fourth... so maybe I can breathe...

And... because I am still in job search mode... today I found yet another job that would interest me... so...I will apply... I can't not... 

There was part of me that was nervous that the conversation about getting the job was a dream.  So... I sent an email to the principal I will/would be working with and asked if I should be ready to attend the school board meeting that is happening the night  I meet with the supt.  He responded and it put me at ease... a little.  He said how excited  he is to have me on board, excited to get started.  And told me the next school board meeting is July 9th... I wrote back and told him that I am ready to jump in, to become familiar with the school its staff and students and told him if there is anything I could be doing in the meantime to let me know.  Of course his response was that we have to wait until I meet with the Supt. (I knew that would be the case) but that after that, we will meet, and set up a time to get acquainted.  So I feel better... knowing it's real... a real possibility anyway... 

So then... there are all of these layers of things on top of this... It's summer vacation.  I want to relax.  

I have yet to relax.  

(And I know... really know I need to...and know I am missing out on enjoying summer)

There were/are loose ends to tie up at my current job... I was finishing up some of the special education paperwork for the kids I am sending to the high school... all the paperwork that I hate... and I get an email... from one of my bosses... I had shared my news, of the new job, with my building principal and assistant principal... because they are two of my references...and without my permission...grumble grumble... they shared that information with other district administrators.... so the director of special services immediately sent me an email... it was disguised as a congratulations email, but what it really was, was a 'don't let the door hit your ass on the way out' email.  It said something like: Hi Kim. I hear you have been offered a new job.  Congratulations.  Do you mind if I post your job? Thanks, -Director.  

Perhaps it was because I was in the midst of doing the paperwork I hate.. or maybe because I NEED to move on.... but it hit me in such a negative way..  Bad form, Director, bad form.  That is in no way a congratulatory email.  First of all.... my building administrators should not have said anything.  It is my news to share. Or was.  And while I have not been secretive about the process... and I have shared the news with several people... it was not their place... and the director... well... I think that was unprofessional.  I understand that her job is to make sure the special education department is working well, that services for kids are in place... but I think that she is so overly focused on the logistics of things that she does not appreciate what people do... and she comes off as uncaring... I was not happy.  My response was something like: Wow, news travels fast.  Yes I have been told I am the top candidate for a job, but there are still factors that need to be considered.  I need to meet with the superintendent and make sure it is a job that I want and a contract I am satisfied with... I have not yet resigned from my current position.  No, you may not post my job. 

Yesterday I stopped in at the Superintendent's office (Current job's Supt.).  I needed to drop off my time card for the work I have done on a summer grant, so that I can get paid.  The work is not yet done, so I need to keep working on it, but I have put in the hours that the district has approved, so ... I want the money.  (Technically I could walk away and not do more work on it, but... it is a project that is close to my heart - designing the curriculum for a school wide  program I started two years ago. It's been my baby, and I want to make sure I leave with things being in a good place so that it can continue.)  So... I dropped off the cards and the superintendent's secretary is an amazing lady.  She is so professional.  I told her that I was considering a different position and she smiled, having already heard.  (grrrr)  I asked her what the process would be, should I decide to resign.  She told me it is very simple, just an email will do.  I asked her, based on her experience, being involved with hiring of staff for 30 years... when I should officially resign.  She said, with 100% certainty, not until I have signed a contract.  I explained to her the timeline as I know it, for the new local job.  She suggested that I don't do anything until I meet with the Superintendent (new job).  IF that meeting goes well (All signs point to yes, it will go well) then I can tell the special ed director that she can post an anticipated opening for my job, making it clear that at that point I am still not resigning.  Then, once the school board has said welcome aboard and I have signed a contract, then resign.  She said that something recently happened with hiring that she had not seen in 30 years... two candidates were put forth to the school board, recommended by the superintendent, and the school board did not approve the choices...at first.  She said that it took two meetings to approve the candidates, which she said was crazy.  But.  It happens.  Nothing is 100% until the contract is signed.  

Yes it is stressful and yes it is good stress, but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh... I just want to get started!  I want to sign on the local dotted line!  I want to get into my office and start going through files, reaching out to families, meeting staff... Soooo ready... 

So then there's the other exciting stuff... the dreaming... of the new job, of the exciting opportunities, of a new place, of being debt free, of going on a vacation (Sea Kayaking with Orcas in the Pacific Northwest is at the top of my current list!), getting my passport, and creating more stability in my life.  I feel like I have this HUGE carrot dangling in front of me and I can't quite reach it... because I can't do anything until I sign something... but... because I am who I am... I have been looking for a new place to live... my ideal? A house in a specific area of the local job's district.  But am also looking at houses in other towns and apartments.  I am starting to think that maybe in two years I will buy a home... and then maybe think about other areas of my life that I want to change... perhaps adoption... yes universe, I am putting that out there... I still would like to consider being a parent. And, since that has not happened in the traditional way... and since I am okay if I don't get married (Would like to, but...)  ... this job will afford me possibilities that would have been more difficult otherwise... But that's a ways off... but it's there, in my head... 

Fret...Fret... Fret... 

Think think think...

I know I need to be patient.  I know this will work out.  I know change is in store.  But fear creeps in. 

Fear that the bottom will fall out... fear of that up in the air feeling I grew to hate so much when mom was sick... meh.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited, incredibly excited... I just feel like I am in a holding pattern, back and forth, back and forth... and I am a person that needs movement, direction... 

good thing I am not a goldfish.  

Oh.. and I have to work at the tolls this afternoon... I'm beginning to contemplate giving up the tolls... but it has offered a bit of security for me... hard to do... but... contemplating.
My head is tired.