It's Raining...

It's raining... really raining... and has been all weekend... We got over 6 inches of rain yesterday causing rivers and streams to overflow and apparently last night  the timing of high tide caused a lot of problems in downtown Portland.  This is one of the local rivers... typically the dam you can see in the back is dry and there are a lot of rocks that are always visible closer to the foreground, where that large rapid is... so this amount of water is insane! 

I left the house yesterday to go to school then to the gym and that was it.  Today I had planned on going to the gym and then do some shopping at a couple of different places.  I did go to the gym this morning and then came home to do some cleaning and to make my shopping list.  I needed to go a couple of places, but after battling the rain and wet carts at the first store, I decided to come home and order a pizza.  Grocery shopping can wait.  


So there has been a bit of a lull in the blog action... lots going on yet not much going on... the school year is wrapping up... which I have bitter sweet feelings about.  I was certain I would leave school this year, knowing next year I would not be returning... and while I am still hoping to not return... I am not sure... Almost two weeks ago my contract was in my mailbox... ready to be signed... saying that with my signature I am saying I intend to come back... I had to turn it in by Friday... I talked to my principal and said... I don't intend to come back, but I may be back... and he said to sign it and when I get something else I will resign... but signing that contract, saying I would be back... was tough... I have a lot of applications out... many of which had deadlines that closed last week... so.. in theory... I could get some calls this week or next... fingers crossed.  I am tired of completing and submitting applications... 


The NH job was so exciting... it was a job where I, for the first time, could see a place that I could work as an assistant principal... it became so real to me... which is exciting, but it also made not getting it and returning to my job harder... I just can't do what I do anymore... I can't... don't get me wrong... I LOVE the kids love them... love teaching them, love hearing their stories, seeing their light bulb moments, hearing their struggles, trying to help them understand things about the world... helping them... I love that... I love being the advocate for the underdog... but... I don't feel, any longer, that I am a teacher... I feel like I am an administrator... I no longer step into a classroom and just check in with my students... I watch the level of engagement of all the kids, I look at the style in which the teacher is teaching, I look for classroom management... I look for learning... engagement... and when I don't see it it's not  my place to have a conversation with that teacher about it... I am a colleague, not a supervisor... and I find myself not wanting to honor that boundary.  


I am so ready to work with and for more kids... 


So... I have been in a bit of a funk... the two weeks before and after Suellen's wedding were crazy busy... the good kind of crazy busy... and ended with my all day interview in NH where I felt so confident and excited about change... and since hearing I didn't get that job, I have gotten no other calls for interviews.... so each day that passes, where I search for jobs, apply for jobs... and look at my voicemail-less phone... and get discouraged... 


It's hard for me to say that I am not happy with my job... because I have always loved the kid part of my job... and I have promised myself that I will not stay in a job where I am unhappy because that leads to complacency... and teaching is no place for complacency.  Complacent teachers are one of the factors that pushed me into administration... and I do not want to be on that side of things... kids are too important for that.  


Yesterday I went into school... to print out another application... and ran into a teacher there... and we chatted for a bit.  She is one of the more experienced teachers in our building... she and I often do not see eye to eye on things, but... I respect her, what she does, because she is still so passionate about what she does with kids and she truly believes she is acting in the best interest of kids.... and she and I have been able to have those conversations.... yesterday she asked me if I had heard anything else... and was disappointed for me that I haven't... she expressed how hopeful she is for me, for a new job... saying that she sees how much I have grown since coming into the district and can see I am ready to transition into administration and said she thinks I will do really well.  Coming from her, that means a lot... it was a good conversation, meant a lot to me... 


I had also gotten some indirect feedback about the job I interviewed for in part of Maine that is north of here... I had interviewed for a principal's position... which I knew I wouldn't get... having no experience makes it tough to get an assistant principal job, let alone a principal job, but I was thrilled to get the interview... one of my friends here, that I teach with, used to live up there and has friends there... she had spoken to one of the people who served on the interview committee and said how impressed they all were with me, and said my experience was the thing that held me back... 


Damn experience.  I get it... people want to hire someone who has a proven record or doing well... but... if I can make it to an interview for a principal position and I can be one of two finalists for an assistant principal job without experience... shouldn't that mean that taking a chance on me is worth it? that WITH experience I will be that much better? 


I know I know... it will come.. patience is a virtue and all that... but it's hard... 

So... maybe it comes back to faith... (grumble grumble)  
My relationship with faith is tumultuous... ups and downs... and regardless of whether I believe in a higher power, I find myself talking to The Universe... which some probably say is my form of praying... maybe.. maybe not.  There is part of me that believes that being in a funk does not help my chances of getting a job... because in a funk as I put out cover letters I am putting bad mojo on them... and I don't want bad mojo... 


So... how to pull myself out of a funk... well... I am not sure that anything but a new job will do that completely... but... I have decided to do another 100 days in a row of being active for at least 30 minutes a day... this time, however, kayaking will count... Day 100 will, as it works out, be the day of the half marathon... and as I train for that I do push my body hard, and I will need days off in between the days where I do longer walks.  So my days 'off' will be something low key, kayaking, swimming, treading water, etc... something non impact... 


Working out... being active... is not something that I necessarily want to do each day... but what I noticed about the last hundred days... was how good I felt... my energy and confidence were higher... and I need that again... And... those two weeks I mentioned above, that were so exciting and busy... was also the beginning of me being much less active than I should be... and non activity, physically, for me leads to bad food choices.... and I have made too much progress to start going in the opposite direction.  At the store I went to today I ran into a woman who used to work at my school.  She did a double take and had a strong reaction about how good I look... and last week I got to see someone I hadn't seen since December and the feedback on how healthy I look made me feel like my hard work has paid off... and I want that to continue.  


So.. as hard as it is for me that I have no control over the process of getting a new job and can't control whether or not I get hired... I do have control over me... my daily routine and choices... and I need to do something to feel like I am making some progress in some area of my life.... so... while I want the professional part of my life to be advancing the most... I will focus on the health part... and see what happens...