Decisions & Dreams

I'm a Maine girl... through and through... love it... (well not so much during a typical Maine winter...) the year I spent living in CT was a great experience.  I loved being so close to NYC and all it had to offer, even though I didn't even begin to see all there is to see there.  But I missed Maine... missed my family, missed my friends... missed the clean beaches.... the recreation...

So... as I look for jobs for next year... I really hope to stay in the Portland, Maine area... I love it here.  But I have been peeking at jobs in New Hampshire and Massachusetts ...and for kicks and giggles the other night looked in Connecticut... And there was a job listed there that intrigued me...intrigues me... the position title said Assistant Principal-Middle School-Special Education.  When I opened the job description it described a typical assistant principal position with a focus on the special education programs in the school, including running the meetings and knowing and understanding the laws... interesting... I kept reading and then there was a salary range listed... I about fell off my couch... more than 2.5 times what I make!  Not kidding.  WOW.

So then I googled the location... not too far from where I had lived when I was in CT before... so there is some familiarity with the area and it is a quick train ride away from NYC...

What I loved about being down there was NYC... the Broadway shows... the diversity... that socially, I had soooo many more opportunities... Men in those parts find a woman of my stature quite attractive... I knew when I chose to move back to Maine that my dating life would return to the way it was before moving down there... but it was a choice I made... I missed my family up here... I was closer to my sister...that was the year that my oldest nephew was born and it was fun to be within a few hours of them... so being closer to them again would also be nice... but I was so far away from Mom and Dad... and the idea now of moving further away from Dad really tears at my heart... his response... "do what is right for you, what's best for you... I think we could find you down there..."  I knew that would be his answer... but there would be a part of me that would feel like I was abandoning him... and I am not sure if I can do that.  The idea brings tears to my eyes... but at the same time a job like that, even if I only was there for a couple of years... would give me financial stability in a way I probably never have dreamed of... I would be able to afford to fly back for visits... and would still have summers off... I would be able to afford to buy a home... consider adopting a child....hmmmmm possibilities.... of course I would miss my friends... a lot... but most have families... and how often do I see my friends now, when I live so close to them? Some more than others... which doesn't diminish our friendships... but seeing people every couple of months... is that something that would keep me here?

And kayaking... my peace, my serenity... where in CT could I use my kayak?  Must investigate...

Quality of life... is something I hold so dear... it would be a tough decision... not sure it is a decision I will have to make... but a decision none the less....

January 30th...

Today is my parents' wedding anniversary... 41 years ago they got married.  And their marriage was filled with love, respect, and kindness... I am thankful for their life together.  

Day 30 and a bit of irony.

30 days + at least 30 minutes a day of activity = YAHOOOOO!  

Today's workout was a mixture of things... started on my regular elliptical machine... did 1.25 miles and my calf muscles were feeling it, aftereffects of yesterday's zumba, so decided to try the other kind of elliptical machine to see if a slight change in angle would offer relief... but after a few minutes it didn't... so in all that was about 20 minutes of cardio... not enough... so I got on the bike and did 25 minutes... then.. it was time for arms.  By the way, I have to share this picture: 

Ok... this is a picture of the first lady I had posted on my facebook page, as my inspiration for my arm workouts.  When I do my weights with my arms I think about Mrs. Obama's arms... and one of my coworkers got creative and photo-shopped me into it.  Clever? Yes. Creepy? Yes!  Entertaining? Definitely.  My arm workout today included using some of the weight machines that I am not used to.  I did a couple of things before heading upstairs where I use free weights... Once upstairs I started out with dips... trying to work those triceps... then I lay on one of those balance/exercise balls as I do chest presses/bench press type moves.. I find doing it on the ball is a lot more comfortable and safe for my back than the regular weight bench.  Then I use free weights to do what I am going to call "The Hannahs." The Hannahs are inspired by one of my former track kids.  She is not a Division I athlete and when I saw her working out at the gym over her winter break I watched what she was doing...(Because her arms could compete with Mrs. Obama!)  She used heavier weights than I will probably ever use, but the motion is what I was after.  Hmmm... how to explain... ok... I stand, hands at my side while holding dumbbells... slowly raise my arms forward palms towards the floor keeping my arms straight...parallel with the floor... then back down... then back up... then bend arms to pull weights into my chest and then push them back out straight, then lower them to my sides again, then lift arms straight out to the side making my arms parallel to the floor (I call that the pterodactyl move, and yes make a sound effect in my head!)  That counts as 1repetition!  I do three sets of 5 reps, for now... using only 7 pound weights.  Hannah used like 20-25 pound weights.  She is my hero!  I want to increase to 3 sets of 8, then 3 sets of 10, then 3 sets of 12... then I want to increase the weight... but... it will take a while... I could perhaps get there sooner if I do that as my first arm exercise of the day... but want to make sure I am doing them with good form, especially for my back, and know when my arms are tired my form suffers which will lead to bad back position which will lead to pain.  I feel like I am at a point where I am pushing myself, and I like that.  That athlete I mentioned a few posts ago... she is excited... and is ready for more.  In thinking ahead... Spring is 49 days and 22 or so hours away... but whose counting, right?  (Me that's who!)  I know that once temps are consistently warmer I am going to want to be in my kayak in the afternoons, after work... and don't want that to count as my 30 minutes of activity each day.  Yes it is activity, but... I know from last summer it is not enough to get/keep me healthy... so this athlete in me is thinking about really trying to workout in the mornings... but need some time to wrap my head around getting up so early... I used to do it... and can do it again... and there was this nice piece of eye candy there... who used to go every morning... I remember him... Ha! 

Ok... so then a weird thing happened today.  I got an email from Woodsprite Orchids... a small orchid business not too far from here.  Apparently when I bought the orchid when I was with Matt I had given them my email address.  I had forgotten that.  Well.. they are selling their business, wanting to move to New Mexico and want to clear out their inventory.  They are having a sale, 60% off everything... which is a pretty good sale.  So I got the email and without thinking, hit the forward button... and typed in Matt's email address... and then I stopped myself... Why would I forward this to him? So I stopped... and thought... because he loves orchids... because one day he hoped (or at least he told me he hoped, but perhaps that was another non-truth) to be able to grow orchids, perhaps like he and his dad had done... and maybe have it be part of a business.   So I typed a message, something like, Got this link form the orchid place we went to, didn't know if you were in a place where you were looking to buy several plants or starting a business so am forwarding it to you.  I debated hitting the send button... not wanting him to read anything into it besides just getting a forwarded email... and decided that was irrelevant to me.  And for me... it's kind of a sign that I have forgiven him... 

And then there is a piece of irony... he was, or I should say, claimed to be Mr. Christianity.  Today I was ordained... as a minister! Seriously? Seriously.  I can now perform marriages, baptisms, and can start my own church.  What did I have to do to become ordained, to be given this kind of... power? Complete an online form, name, date of birth, address... and pay $6.99 plus shipping and handling for my official Ordained Minister Certificate.  With all that training, I now understand why church-goers put so much faith in their ministers. (Was that sarcasm?)  

Interesting, huh?  

Blessed Be.  

Habits & Bittersweetness

I just found an article online about habits.  It says that past research showed that it takes 21-28 days to make something a habit... but this article said 66 days... claiming that 21-28 days is enough time to say that someone could be on the edge of not doing it... I might have to agree with that.  Today is day 29 for me of being active.  It has been a lot easier than I expected to be active every day.  I am not sure why it hasn't been harder.  I have done it on days when I didn't want to, where didn't feel well... but I have done it.  And it has been paying off.  I feel great!  I have more energy, I have less aches and pains, and feel like my confidence is coming back.  (Thursday as I was leaving the gym Suellen and I walked out of the locker room and I was in mid sentence... then I was interrupted by coming around the corner and coming almost eye to eye with a big ol' piece of eye candy!  I swear I just froze... but I looked this handsome man in the eye and said, "Hi."  He returned my greeting with a 'hello' and a smile... and then I had to remind myself to keep walking, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... and totally lost track of my thoughts!  But I didn't look away, I looked right into his big brown eyes, smiled, and said hi... and I liked it.  Hoping to run into that piece of candy again soon!)   I have always been a confident person... happy with WHO I am ... Mom and Dad did a great job of making sure I was proud of the person I am.  (Thank you to them both!!)  They made me confident about being tall, really tall... taller than most men even.  (6'6")  I love being tall.  I get annoyed with some people's reactions, but I still love it.  But seeing myself in a non-big sister role when it comes to guys, has proven to be difficult at times.  But look out.. I am on a new mission... starting with eye contact followed by smiling and saying hello.  Not that I am on the prowl but.... just want to be more outgoing.   Anyway... sorry for the sidebar there... I am excited to be almost a third of the way through my 100 day challenge.  Thinking that maybe I won't stop at 100... why not go for a whole year?  I am a little nervous about my activity level when my February vacation comes.  I am headed north, away from my gym, away form my treadmill... so... that means I will have to be outside... moving... for 30 minutes a day... must build up tolerance!

Today I did something I have not done in a LONGGG time... I went to ZUMBA!  I was a bit intimidated.  Knowing I would not know most of the choreography, I knew it would be a challenge, and knowing it had been so long since I had been I worried about my endurance... but I made it through the hour class, and next week will be easier.  I did not go 100% because I was afraid I would run out of steam... and I think it was smart to take it at less than 100%... the lateral movements are something my knees are not used to, so getting back into is slowly is important.  When leaving Zumba it felt  so warm! So I came home took a shower then went for a walk with one of my coworkers.  We were going to explore a trail along one of the rivers here, but when we got to the trail head it was muddy and icy and steep...not a good combination... so we changed our minds and went instead to a huge cemetery and walked around there.  That may sound morbid, but it is a great place to walk.  There are very few cars, the paved roads were clear, mostly, and it is peaceful.  There were other people there who had apparently had the same idea.  We walked for probably 45 minutes... which included yours truly, Graceful Gert as my dad would say, falling.  I slipped on some ice.  It was a strange fall.  I didn't even realize I was falling until my knee hit the ground in front of me and then I had a sharp pain in my ankle.. and it took me a few minutes to get up, not knowing if my ankle was out of commission.  I was able to get up and keep walking and think it's fine... it has been a little sore since I got home and a little swollen...so tomorrow's gym workout may be an easy one, we'll see.

Tonight I am getting ordained!  So that I can perform Sue's wedding this spring.  Apparently I can go online, fill out some info and tah dah.... ordained, able to marry people... so I had a thought that my new line to men I meet can be.. Hey, you married? No? Well I can fix that for ya!  Ha!

So this week, something big happened... Mom and dad's house sold... the closing was yesterday so it is officially no longer Dad's... ours...no longer home... I suppose it hasn't felt like home in a while.... and the last times it was home... well..it was a hard place to be.  Seeing Mom die there was hard...made coming in to that house difficult.  Of course there are happy memories in that house too...but everything changes... It's hard to think of that house not being 'home'... in some ways.. but in other ways it is a huge relief.  In ways that is hard to explain.  I am proud of my dad because this is another HUGE step, another big change in his life... and while it has been hard, he has handled it well, with courage.  The memories he has there outnumber mine...both the good and the bad... that's the house Mom lived in when he and she began dating.  Dad spent a lot of time there when it was my grandparents' house ... spent hours working on that house, keeping it going, building the addition on it when we moved into that house so that my grandmother would have her own apartment on one end... and of course cancer... Selling the house means that my father, for the first time since early adulthood, does not own his own home.  He is living with Betty at the lake and she refers to the house as their house and wants Dad to call it home... and he will... when he wraps his brain around it... but it is different for him.  I think he has faith... faith that things with he and Betty are going well and is a long term thing... he has faith that things will be okay, that he will be okay... is okay... that makes me happy... there are so many layers to grief... lasts longer than people realize... grieving does not negate one's ability to move forward... but I think moving forward causes some guilt... and when you think you know where your emotions are with the grief, things come up that intensify that grief... I am sure the house, selling it, did that for Dad this week. In some ways I suspect he felt like he was leaving Mom in some way... even though he knows she isn't there.... I am glad this step is behind him... the house... is a place where much of my life was spent... but the memories exist outside of that house... and I truly hope that the people who bought it, find comfort there, feel love there... create memories there...

I love ya, Dad... Mom wanted your life to keep moving forward... for you to be happy, to find companionship, to find love... and she knew the plan was to sell the house, it was part of your plan with her, together... it just happened differently than once envisioned... She would be so happy to know that since her death, you have lived, are living... she would be so proud of you... I know I am...

Oh...and...

Almost forgot to tell you... I found her today.  That athlete that is inside me.  She showed up today.  I have been being active...moving my body... but today, on the elliptical, I felt her... that girl who pushes herself... who improves...who competes physically... Welcome back!

Mr. Chaplin

"We think too much and feel too little.  More than machinery, we need humanity.  More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness."  - Charlie Chaplin

I found this quote recently and it resonated with me, for lots of reasons.  I know that I think too much and wonder if I feel too little... which leads me to more thinking...... and the part about needing humanity more than technology (in my head I changed it to technology from machinery) ... makes me think about my students and how plugged in they are... internet, cell phones, ipods, ipads, blah blah blah... they know how to engage with those items and believe that when they are sending messages through those mediums they are communicating with people... which they are... but where is the humanity in that? The expressions and inflections we read when we interact, the energy we feel?  Yet... I find myself appreciative of the technology that has allowed me to maintain contact with people I have known for years, to reach out to relatives I may not other wise touch base with so often, and has enabled me to 'meet' new people who are integral parts of my life.  "we need humanity"...  yes, Mr. Chaplin, we do.  And we need kindness and gentleness... and this one... seems obvious to me, as far as how we treat one another, but what struck me about this was that we need to be kinder and more gentle to ourselves.  Most of the people I know are very hard on themselves... and I know I am not excluded from that habit.  Today on the elliptical machine I was happy.. pushed myself to do two miles in a decent time... decent for me, not for the Olympics... but there it is... the part where I have to somehow knock myself down after I am proud of something I did.  Or saying that I did well on that job, but I could have done better or it's such an easy job that they could train a monkey to do that it...  I like that quote a lot.  Thank you Mr. Chaplin.  

He is also appropriate for today's post because, if I am correct, he was in many silent films.  The last ... well... not really how long really... for a while I guess... there has been something that has felt unsettled.  Life has been... for lack of a better word... calm.  Calm.  Not something I am used to.  Rico, in a recent email told me that he doesn't know how I do it, fitting all I do into a day... he sees my daily posts on facebook as well as through the blog... and one of my coworkers saw one of our ex-coworkers the other day at the store and the ex-coworker asked how I was doing and said that I am so busy she worries about me sometimes.  (She and I stay in touch, but I have limited my contact with her.)  Busy? hmm... when I think about being busy, I think of last year, in the midst of my internship, working, writing papers, going to classes, etc... that felt busy.  So now... things feel calm... Quiet... And life outside of work has been pretty drama free...low stress... there are things going on in the lives of people I am close with, my dad selling the house (bitter sweet of course), my sister who is making positive changes....difficult changes...Deb battling cancer (she's amazing!)  but those are not things that are rippling into my immediate world... at least not consciously... I mean I worry about them... but really my life has been quiet.  

I have turned up the volume a bit by going out more in recent weeks, attending a live music performance and then a play this week and being out at the gym a lot... but still... quiet. And with that has come some anxiety... not a big amount, not surfacing really...but there...  It wasn't until I emailed Rico yesterday that I could articulate what has been giving me a kind of unsettled feeling... not really even sure I knew that the unsettled feeling was what it really was... but... calm makes me nervous.  Maybe more than nervous.  Last week's medical screenings... for instance... I had no reason to expect any negative results... yet, it would not have surprised me...not because of my health but because things are calm and in my world... calm is followed by storms.  I remember feeling worried when I was in the beginning stages of my relationship with Matt and I was nervous about that, having the rug pulled out because things were going well, remember having that conversation with him even... and as it turns out, the rug was taken out from under me and I tripped... (intentional with my wording there... while it felt, at the time, like a terrible fall...or collapse... I know know it was just a small trip... )  

Perhaps having the ups and downs in life is something that people see as 'normal' (there's that word.) ... and why do I think my life is any different?  Why can't I accept that there will be bumps in the road, and potholes, and construction, and terrible accidents?  Maybe accept is the wrong word.  I guess that when things feel 'settled' my fear of my world being turned upside down comes in... diseases, deaths, tragedy... so it's not that I don't accept that life has ups and downs... I fear that the downs will be so low... that coming back up may not work.  

I do hope for and maybe expect good things...I really expect bad things... so what do I do with that fear?  Conversations with God says that we attract to us the emotions we put out there.. love attracts love and fear attracts fear... So do I accept that fear is part of things... that whenever there is a 'calm' a storm will follow... or do I try, and I know it would be try, to just be carefree until I have reason not to be.  Carefree... not sure that is an adjective I will ever be able to use to describe myself... because...Mr. Chaplin... I do think too much... but also think I feel plenty... 

Day 23 and other random things...

Day 23 of intentionally being active for at least 30 minutes.  This makes me happy.  Today was probably the most challenging of those 23 days... as far as finding the motivation.  I have heard that it takes 28 days to make something a habit... I hope so...

Yesterday I went to the gym in the morning with Suellen.  I pushed myself on the elliptical to see how fast I could complete a mile and took over a minute off last week's time.  I was pleased.  I am still not where I want to be, but I will get there.  Then Meg was in town  for a hockey game and a couple of games of canasta.  She proposed the card game and I gratefully accepted. I love canasta.  I like the game and I love that it is something Mom and I did together. Meg likes canasta too and because she is so competitive she tries to figure out the best strategies to use.  It can be a hard game to strategize because each hand plays differently.  So... game one I beat her pretty handily.  Game two was closer.  She was ahead at one point.  (Insert evil laugh here...)  then I swooped in and beat her by 5000 points, which is a lot in canasta.  As we were playing Dad had texted me and so we had to send him the play by play of the games, including a photo of Meg celebrating her one victorious hand... and one of me after dealing her the final blow.  We laughed a lot during the games, it was great.  Then we headed out for dinner (I did not eat well, my first really unhealthy meal since starting the 100 day challenge.)  We went to a hockey game and enjoyed cheering on our team to victory.  By the time I got home it was like 10:00.

I had to work today on the tolls.  And last night had decided not to pack today's lunch so I needed to do it this morning.  I had thought about trying to get up early this morning to do the treadmill before work, but for some reason just can't get myself up that early these days... Suellen had invited me over after work to watch the Patriots game and for a healthy dinner.  I told her it depended on whether or not I could somehow git in a half hour of activity while working.  I tried that... and it did not go well.  I just didn't feel like I would get as good of a workout... so I texted her to tell her I would be heading home to watch the game and to walk on the treadmill.

I came home, had dinner, and watched the second half of the game while chatting with my sister.  Her television feed was a few seconds ahead of mine, so it was kind of funny chatting with her as she gasped or cheered when I had no idea why.  After the game I wanted to just be lazy.. but... it would be the first day I would have not done it... and I don't want to fail at this.  I need to do this.   No excuses.

So I caught a little flack for giving Jill so much blog time.  When I told her that, her response was, "Well, I have been around the longest!"  So not surprised by that!

I texted and emailed  a bit with Rico this week... after the Pats had destroyed beat the Broncos Rico was not happy.  He loves the Broncos.  I admit he has more love for his team than I do for mine.  I was glad we emailed a bit, realized I have missed that guy.  And in a classy move.. he texted 'Congratulations' tonight after the Pats victory.  (I know he will be cheering against the PATS in the Superbowl... I am okay with that!)

Gotta give a shout out to my sister too.... She is an amazing mom, in the midst of some tough stuff... and I am so proud of her... for who she is, for remembering who she is... Love ya Sis!

Also want to say that my friend, Michael, in the 'other' Portland has impressed me.  This weekend he, all on his own, demolished his bathroom and is rebuilding it... I admire those skills!  I would like to think I could do that stuff, but I know I couldn't.  Maybe I could do the tiles or spread a little plaster... but.. I could not do plumbing and wiring, no way!  Nice job my friend!

I also want to take a minute here to recognize someone I never knew, someone I learned about in bits and pieces through a friend who had so much respect for him... Joe Paterno.  Rest in Peace Mr. Paterno.  I hope people remember him for the right reasons.

My head has been busy lately... though I can't really say exactly why.  I have had a lot of thoughts and for the first time on this blog I have two other posts started that I have not finished... so don't be surprised if things come out this week that are a bit more.... deep, than this post and the Jill tribute.

Ask and You shall receive?!

So Jill has demanded I do a blog post... and mention her name.  So here it is.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill.  Jill. 

That should cover me for a while... 

Oh... and... she told me the last post was pretty short and unexciting... that I need to do better.  Stay tuned, Jill, stay tuned.  

January 16...

Of course today is a day where we remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. It's interesting to me that when I went on facebook this morning there was little recognition of MLK... I was disappointed... I think it is still imperative that we pay attention to his words, his lessons... My post for today was one of his quotes:  Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.  How true...

I went to the gym today... my 17th day in a row of at least 30 minutes of intentional activity.  Today I wasn't able to do more than 30 minutes because I needed to get home and get some things done for school tomorrow because I am working the tolls this afternoon.  But those 30 minutes were perhaps the easiest I have had on the elliptical in a long time... and I was going faster than I have gone in a long time.  It feels good to be being active, and as I listen to my body it is naturally letting me do more, push myself harder.  I like it.

I am considering making myself sign up for a half marathon... perhaps the one this fall in October... to really keep myself going.  I think not having had that as a goal for this fall was a mistake.  We'll see.

Hope Everyone is well!  (And being active!)

No Train Today...

Yahoooooooooooooo!  

My doctor called today with the results of my recent tests/screenings... 

Everything looks GREAT!  

I am lucky to be healthy!  

Link for this picture: http://www.waveridersgallery.net/catalog2/images/PureJoy_lg.jpg

Painful... seriously painful...

Today we had no school.  So I decided to make a new recipe... Sweet Potato Salad... it includes sweet potatoes, of course, pineapple, red bell peppers, yellow bell peppers, shallots, and jalepeno peppers.  The dressing has some apple cider vinegar, brown mustard, orange zest, oil, and brown sugar... oh, there is also cilantro and parsley... Sounds good... it is currently chilling in my fridge and I will try it later... 

In the midst of making it I had a bit of a mishap.  I chopped up all the ingredients, including the jalepeno peppers and washed my hands a couple of times as I have heard that getting any amount of that pepper juice in your eyes is painful.  Well...while waiting for the sweet potatoes to roast, as I was cleaning up, my eye itches... and I rubbed it.  OH MY GOD!!!  At first it wasn't too bad... but I knew apparently there was still some of the pepper oil on my skin... but it got worse.. WAY worse... I tried to flush it out with saline solution I use for my contacts, but every time I opened my eye to put a drop in the burning got worse.  I then grabbed some small paper cups I keep in my bathroom for rinsing my mouth, etc... and filled them with water, then poured them over my face trying to flush it out... it worked for a few minutes until I stopped.. then it was like my cheek and under my eye were on fire.  So I got some paper towels put them under cold water and held them over my eye... and again, little relief.  My eye was watering, timers were going off for the sweet potatoes, and I couldn't see... I somehow was able to get the oven off and grab some new paper towels and poured some milk on them and held that to my eye/cheek area and THAT seemed to help... A LOT...  

Lesson learned kids... Do not touch your face after touching a jalepeno... even after washing your hands... or wear gloves when chopping up those little peppers... Holy Moly! 

Why not do it?

I stayed home from work today... because I had some medical appointments this afternoon and just decided that I was going to take the day... truth is I was worried that I would not sleep well last night in anticipation of the tests and figured having the day off would be good, in case I needed some rest.  I didn't sleep great last night, but also didn't sleep terribly... so I probably could have gone to work and been fine, but... no harm done by taking a day off.  One of my appointments today was a mammogram.  I have no reason for concern, but at my last physical I asked my doctor about the idea of a mammogram due to Debbie's recent diagnosis.  My doctor said that with my insurance one mammogram would be covered between the ages of 35 and 40 as a screening... so I said, why not have it done?  I think it is smart to have a baseline so that if there are changes at some point hopefully it would be caught early.

So this post is just to put it out there... IF there are medical tests that you can have done, DO THEM!  We hear that prevention is very important... and I think that having screenings are important.  Call your doctor, check your insurance, and do the tests.

If this is winter... I'll take it!

After going to the gym this morning I decided I wanted to enjoy the mild temperatures and wanted to go to the beach.  I debated about where I wanted to go, but decided to go back to some of my frequent  places.  It was amazing to me, to be outside on January 7th and not be freezing!  I hate winter, usually, because it is oppressive... keeps me inside because the cold is not something I deal well with.  This winter, though I am determined to be outside more, even when the temps bottom out, and I know they will.  

So this first picture, is not very pretty.  I went to one of the places from which I launched my kayak this summer, along one of the salt water marshes.  The tide was low... 

There was not much snow, but some was on this giant rock.  It made me think of an elephant in the middle of a big open field... I like the sky in this picture... of course it is not as pretty as it was in person.  

At this place there are so many shells, so many shells.  They get stepped on and turned over each other and get ground up into bits and pieces.  I like the texture of the picture, which ended up kind of being the theme of the day.. texture... I found a lot of cool textures at the ocean today.  

Someone had a lobster dinner and discarded their shells here... 

 I like the black/whiteness of this picture... opposites.. without the opposites it would be hard to see the definition of all the rocks and shells... 

 After I left the place where I launched my kayak I went to the beach where I spend a lot of time.  As I pulled into the parking lot I could see the sun drawing water.  I took a quick shot because I knew by the time I walked to the beach, it would look different.  

This was my view as I started on the beach.  I liked that I could see the current in the water... at least that's what I think it is.  You can also see some sunbeams... 

I found a lot of interesting shells, with interesting textures... this looked like coral, but it was a shell, that has been breaking down... It is cool to look at.  

There were lots of people on the beach today.  Single people, couples, families, dogs... so nice to see people out taking advantage of the warmer temperatures.  

The sand looked so smooth here, but also you can see the different colors in the sand.  This shell is is slowly breaking apart... I like the spiral.  

These two sticks had washed up onto shore... and it struck me that it looks like a cross... a reminder that for me... church is outside, enjoying nature... 

As the sun was fading the color was pretty.  It was muted compared to many sunsets I have seen, but still pretty.  The tide was out, and this is looking out towards one of the sandbars.  

The sand... ripples in the sand from the waves... texture! 

This skeletal crab had been buried in the sand, uncovered by the sand... why take a picture of a dead crab? It was pretty in tact... but the color of the crab drew my eyes to it today amidst a lot of grays...

The beach was very soothing today.  Very soothing, calming, relaxing... 

At one end of the beach is a breakwater.  I walked over to look at the rocks and noticed these circles in the sand... As the tide was going out and the water was dripping off the rocks I think it must have made these impressions... dot dot dot... 

This is at the breakwater, looking back out over the ocean.  ahhhh...

The rocks there are covered in sea weed and barnacles.  Check out that texture!  

As I looked along the breakwater I thought about the walls that we build... okay that I build.  And wonder why they are still there... have they become part of me? Are they part of habits? And wondered if people can get through them... 

Then... I saw this: 

 It stood out to me right away... a gap in the breakwater through which there was a view of someone on the other side... Perhaps my walls, while strong... have gaps... and the right people get through... and... not only can they get through... I can also get through... I think I have thought of my walls as a way I keep people at arm's length... and have been waiting for someone to be strong enough to break those walls or climb over them.... perhaps I need to change my thinking... perhaps it is me that needs to climb over these walls, maneuver through them, walk away from them... 

As I was walking back towards the parking lot, I saw a man, pulling a cooler behind him... and he walked into the water between the sandbars... a clam digger... going to work... I watched him for a while.  What a hard job, bent over digging in the heavy mud.  Maine fishermen really work hard for their money... I am not a fan of seafood... but am glad that people are fans... so that they can support our fishermen.  He was there first, but then I saw two other men join him, with their big forks... and clam baskets... Maine has some pretty cool cultures... 

Another shell... and textures... 

I couldn't go to the ocean without taking a picture of a seagull... this one was cool... I think perhaps a younger seagull finishing his maturation process, but I am not sure.  I assume that gulls with the brown on them like this one, are younger, and the ones who have the gray wings and the white heads are more mature, but... there were some gulls today who were all the speckly colors...maybe I need to do some research... 

After leaving the beach I drove over to the boat landing.  I saw this boat filled with buoys.  Someone's livlihood right there in a boat... 

I shouldn't forget that Maine fishermen work year round, even in the winters... but I definitely think of them more in the summer.  But the boats were moored... this was a cool place to be, the sand was very smooth and white... with few footprints...

Buoy.. there were a few buoys along the shore.  waiting for the tide to return to lift them to the water's surface again.  

Boats!

This is actually a picture of snow... of which there is very little... but it looks like the water as it comes into the beach.  I was on the point of this part of the ocean, so the ocean was to my left... it is kind of like a mirror image of the water when the waves come in on the sand... 

I love Maine.  I love living here.  I loved being outside today, smelling the ocean, getting fresh air.  

I am not sure if it is the Vitamin D I am taking, the eating well, or the working out... but I am feeling pretty good... 

Q: What's a girl to do??? A: Shake her booty!!!

I am so glad it is Friday!  Getting back to work this week was good, but my sleep was all messed up.  I finally got a good night's sleep last night... a good night's sleep that extended into the morning... later than it should have... Mental note... when setting alarm for 5:45... ensure that it says a.m. otherwise you may roll over and wake up and think to yourself, "Wow... I feel good, surprised the alarm hasn't gone off yet..." then glance at the alarm clock that reads.  6:47 a.m.!!! Oh yeah... Nothing like a panicked feeling to get your butt out of bed in the morning!   Oh well... I rushed around and was quite proud of myself for remembering to pack my clothes for the gym and yes, got to school on time! The day went well.. had a few laughs including one that was the kind that had me crying.. because a kid had told me that the Maine state bird is the chicken!  Now.. in the kids defense... she has some processing deficits and... our state bird is the chickadee... so... I can see where she came up with chicken.. but in that moment it struck me so funny.. picturing a license plate with a chicken on it... oh man... good times... then after work I turned down the Friday gathering at the local watering hole with my coworkers and opted instead to hit the gym... This was the 7th day in a row for me of being active for at least 30 minutes.  (Including last night where It took me an hour and a half to walk 30 minutes on my treadmill... story later...maybe!)  So I came home and sat on my couch and was quite content.. then I checked my email... and had a couple of pics from Michael who was seizing the day, going skiing, something he loves.  And I thought of recent exchanges with him and with an online chat with Jill last night... both have encouraged me to enjoy things... do more things for me, just because I enjoy them... to 'branch out' in Jill's words.  (Had to mention Jill more than once so her ego does not suffer from feeling slighted, especially since I mentioned Michael... oh no that's twice for both names.. Jill Jill Jill Jill Jill...)
So... with those two in my head I thought to myself.. Hmm.. it's Friday.. what should I do.. I thought about calling some friends..but kind of didn't want to be responsible for maintaining a lot of conversation.. but wanted to be out... and remembered it was Friday... which means the Art museum was free tonight.  So I thought I would go in to Portland and enjoy the museum and maybe grab a bite to eat at a new place.  As a last minute preparation I had looked online to see if there was anything special happening in Portland.  I checked a webpage I check once in a while of a place that brings a lot of cool and upcoming acts to town... and there was a picture of a woman and the description said she had a baritone/bass voice.. Hmm... piqued my interest... and made a mental note that her show began at 8:00 and tickets seemed to still be available.  But I figured I would focus on the museum and dinner...
I drove into Portland and quickly realized it was the First Friday.... meaning there are lots of people out and about...many local galleries are open and serve wine and snacks... and I was excited, the energy on First Fridays is incredible.  I decided somewhere along the way that I wanted to go to the singer thing... feeling like a little music...So I drove around for a bit trying to find a place to park that would be close to the performance space, thinking of safety for after the show... but also wanted to be close enough to other parts of town to get some food.  Eventually I found a lot that cost $5 but it was a good spot and well lit.  (Yes, Dad, I do try to be aware of such things!)
I felt all cute, bundled up for winter... wore a sweater with a down vest over it with a pretty aqua scarf fixed in a pretty cool way... and my new winter boots...which were very nice and warm and have good treads by the way!  I walked around a bit, people watching and checking out some of the restaurants... and saw one I had been by before but had never been to.  It's a little Mexican place, so I knew I could get something fairly healthy if I ordered right and went in.
Remember that Seinfeld episode where George does the opposite of what he would normally do? Well... the host asked me if I wanted a table, a booth, or if I wanted to sit at the bar... normally I would have asked for a booth, but.. decided to sit at the bar and have dinner.  The bar was empty except for the bartender, a waitress sitting and reading the paper and one of their apparent 'regulars.'  A few other people came while I was there... I had a good meal... not good enough to bring me back to that place for their food mind you, but good enough for having a night out solo... So time had passed and after dinner it was 7:30... so decision needed to be made.. the singer or the museum.. I couldn't do both.  I opted for the music.. and maybe the museum will be next week's activity... maybe... I got to the performance space at the right time... and as it turned out, right in front of me was a former colleague, Steve.  Steve was a student teacher during my first year of teaching in this district.  He was GREAT with the kids, so creative and got kids motivated.  I said hello to him.  He was there with one of his coworkers and that man's wife.  We struck up a conversation as we walked into the stage area and I began to sit down.  Steve asked if I was waiting for someone else (kind of nice that he didn't assume I was solo even though I was...) and when I said that I was flying solo he asked me to sit with them, which was nice.  We were able to catch up.  Steve is adorable.  (And for the record the only Steve I have ever known who I like... that does not include Stephens by the way...) I admit that I had a crush on him back in the day.. he is older than me... probably 8 years or so... and he is this little, compact, fit athletic man... with amazing eyes... he is just so cute!  And his passion for his work with kids makes him even more attractive.  When I knew him before, he was recently divorced.. He's a sweet heart.  It was really nice to see him.  He left the show at intermission, saying he was pretty tired, he has been travelling back and forth to his hometown taking care of his sick father.  (My heart went out to him.)

So... the show started... and it was cool.  I really had no idea what to expect... Steve's friend had said it was a blues type style, which I thought would be fun... but blues doesn't really describe it... I would say SOUL... soul music... with some blues and some gospel style to it... let me tell you, there were a couple of songs that made me feel like I was in a church, the kind of church I wish we had here... I would go... and sing!!!  This woman, Alexis P. Suter, was wonderful.  Her voice is very low and unique.  I loved it.  Her energy started out a little slow.. but by the end, man... everyone was up on their feet and dancing.  One of her songs was called the hip shake... so you all know I shook what my momma gave me!  Check out this video, click here, to get an idea of her style.

She had a lot of interesting things to say between songs too.. she said that the ultimate expression of love is a smile... that when you walk down the street and you smile to a stranger it's because of the love of mankind, the love of one another...and said that your smile may save someone's life.. if you see someone walking down the street.. maybe they are on their way home to harm themselves...and perhaps your smile gives them hope and strength enough to make it one more day... food for thought for sure...

Well, she sure did make me smile... And... for the first time in a long time... I was out, by myself, and really smiling... I felt free as I was dancing like a crazy lady in the middle of a room full of strangers... except Steve's friends who were also dancing fools!  I felt free and joyful... I loved it!

Of course there are things that I will think about... the lovely lessons of branching out... I used to be much better at that...at just going out by myself and seeing what there was out there to do that I would enjoy... I had gotten away from that... I think partly because some of the people I have gone out with  recently are people who suck my energy.. and I feel like I have to lead and maintain the conversations and manage their negative emotions.... I have started not going out because of not wanting to manage other people's behavior and energy... so... that tells me I need to be doing things...with different people... or solo... I have missed that time and fun....and need to go back... I thought tonight, on my way home, of another show I saw at that same venue several years ago... I was still living with  a man I had just broken up with and needed to get out of the house.  It gave me a similar feeling as I had tonight, free and empowered... that show, was a hip hop dance crew here from Philadelphia I think... and one of the girls in the crew was not a typical dancer.. she had a plus size body and was an amazing dancer... aaaamazing!  I left that night thinking that I could do anything and for that night, on my drive home .. I was a bad ass hip hop dancer... dancing in my truck had never, before or since,  been so animated.

I also find it interesting that I took a chance on going to this show... I had no idea about what it would be... and it was an amazing surprise!  Perhaps there are other areas in life that I need to approach and just let it unfold...

This booty shaker needs to hit the hay... meeting a friend to go to the gym in the morning... oh yeah... gotta share the treadmill story.... but not tonight.. I need to sleep.

Thanks to Jill and Michael for their encouragement and inspiration.

Day 3... and a 100 day challenge

I went to the gym today... third day in a row... again, didn't go too crazy/intense... but just did the cardio I hoped to do.  I tried a new machine, which some friends told me would kick my butt... so I tried it for 5 minutes and didn't think too much of it... then I got on the elliptical machine and after about 30 minutes in my legs were all jello-y... so apparently that new machine did something!

My sister pointed me toward a cool website: http://100dayschallenge.org/  it's a place where you can focus on being active for 100 days.. without focusing on weight loss, calories, mileage, etc... it's just about being active for 100 days.  Consciously active, for 30 minutes a day.  So I decided to challenge my staff, at school, to do it... so I changed the start date from Jan 1st to January 4th and the end date from April 9th to April 12th... which works out well because April 12th is the last student day before our vacation.  It would be cool to use this as a way to get through winter.  There is also a cool sneaker thing to color in to track your participation... here that is:  http://www.teampenguin.com/images/100days_countupcard.jpg

So we'll see if people are on board...

Get moving!