Mr. Chaplin

"We think too much and feel too little.  More than machinery, we need humanity.  More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness."  - Charlie Chaplin

I found this quote recently and it resonated with me, for lots of reasons.  I know that I think too much and wonder if I feel too little... which leads me to more thinking...... and the part about needing humanity more than technology (in my head I changed it to technology from machinery) ... makes me think about my students and how plugged in they are... internet, cell phones, ipods, ipads, blah blah blah... they know how to engage with those items and believe that when they are sending messages through those mediums they are communicating with people... which they are... but where is the humanity in that? The expressions and inflections we read when we interact, the energy we feel?  Yet... I find myself appreciative of the technology that has allowed me to maintain contact with people I have known for years, to reach out to relatives I may not other wise touch base with so often, and has enabled me to 'meet' new people who are integral parts of my life.  "we need humanity"...  yes, Mr. Chaplin, we do.  And we need kindness and gentleness... and this one... seems obvious to me, as far as how we treat one another, but what struck me about this was that we need to be kinder and more gentle to ourselves.  Most of the people I know are very hard on themselves... and I know I am not excluded from that habit.  Today on the elliptical machine I was happy.. pushed myself to do two miles in a decent time... decent for me, not for the Olympics... but there it is... the part where I have to somehow knock myself down after I am proud of something I did.  Or saying that I did well on that job, but I could have done better or it's such an easy job that they could train a monkey to do that it...  I like that quote a lot.  Thank you Mr. Chaplin.  

He is also appropriate for today's post because, if I am correct, he was in many silent films.  The last ... well... not really how long really... for a while I guess... there has been something that has felt unsettled.  Life has been... for lack of a better word... calm.  Calm.  Not something I am used to.  Rico, in a recent email told me that he doesn't know how I do it, fitting all I do into a day... he sees my daily posts on facebook as well as through the blog... and one of my coworkers saw one of our ex-coworkers the other day at the store and the ex-coworker asked how I was doing and said that I am so busy she worries about me sometimes.  (She and I stay in touch, but I have limited my contact with her.)  Busy? hmm... when I think about being busy, I think of last year, in the midst of my internship, working, writing papers, going to classes, etc... that felt busy.  So now... things feel calm... Quiet... And life outside of work has been pretty drama free...low stress... there are things going on in the lives of people I am close with, my dad selling the house (bitter sweet of course), my sister who is making positive changes....difficult changes...Deb battling cancer (she's amazing!)  but those are not things that are rippling into my immediate world... at least not consciously... I mean I worry about them... but really my life has been quiet.  

I have turned up the volume a bit by going out more in recent weeks, attending a live music performance and then a play this week and being out at the gym a lot... but still... quiet. And with that has come some anxiety... not a big amount, not surfacing really...but there...  It wasn't until I emailed Rico yesterday that I could articulate what has been giving me a kind of unsettled feeling... not really even sure I knew that the unsettled feeling was what it really was... but... calm makes me nervous.  Maybe more than nervous.  Last week's medical screenings... for instance... I had no reason to expect any negative results... yet, it would not have surprised me...not because of my health but because things are calm and in my world... calm is followed by storms.  I remember feeling worried when I was in the beginning stages of my relationship with Matt and I was nervous about that, having the rug pulled out because things were going well, remember having that conversation with him even... and as it turns out, the rug was taken out from under me and I tripped... (intentional with my wording there... while it felt, at the time, like a terrible fall...or collapse... I know know it was just a small trip... )  

Perhaps having the ups and downs in life is something that people see as 'normal' (there's that word.) ... and why do I think my life is any different?  Why can't I accept that there will be bumps in the road, and potholes, and construction, and terrible accidents?  Maybe accept is the wrong word.  I guess that when things feel 'settled' my fear of my world being turned upside down comes in... diseases, deaths, tragedy... so it's not that I don't accept that life has ups and downs... I fear that the downs will be so low... that coming back up may not work.  

I do hope for and maybe expect good things...I really expect bad things... so what do I do with that fear?  Conversations with God says that we attract to us the emotions we put out there.. love attracts love and fear attracts fear... So do I accept that fear is part of things... that whenever there is a 'calm' a storm will follow... or do I try, and I know it would be try, to just be carefree until I have reason not to be.  Carefree... not sure that is an adjective I will ever be able to use to describe myself... because...Mr. Chaplin... I do think too much... but also think I feel plenty...