Habits & Bittersweetness

I just found an article online about habits.  It says that past research showed that it takes 21-28 days to make something a habit... but this article said 66 days... claiming that 21-28 days is enough time to say that someone could be on the edge of not doing it... I might have to agree with that.  Today is day 29 for me of being active.  It has been a lot easier than I expected to be active every day.  I am not sure why it hasn't been harder.  I have done it on days when I didn't want to, where didn't feel well... but I have done it.  And it has been paying off.  I feel great!  I have more energy, I have less aches and pains, and feel like my confidence is coming back.  (Thursday as I was leaving the gym Suellen and I walked out of the locker room and I was in mid sentence... then I was interrupted by coming around the corner and coming almost eye to eye with a big ol' piece of eye candy!  I swear I just froze... but I looked this handsome man in the eye and said, "Hi."  He returned my greeting with a 'hello' and a smile... and then I had to remind myself to keep walking, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... and totally lost track of my thoughts!  But I didn't look away, I looked right into his big brown eyes, smiled, and said hi... and I liked it.  Hoping to run into that piece of candy again soon!)   I have always been a confident person... happy with WHO I am ... Mom and Dad did a great job of making sure I was proud of the person I am.  (Thank you to them both!!)  They made me confident about being tall, really tall... taller than most men even.  (6'6")  I love being tall.  I get annoyed with some people's reactions, but I still love it.  But seeing myself in a non-big sister role when it comes to guys, has proven to be difficult at times.  But look out.. I am on a new mission... starting with eye contact followed by smiling and saying hello.  Not that I am on the prowl but.... just want to be more outgoing.   Anyway... sorry for the sidebar there... I am excited to be almost a third of the way through my 100 day challenge.  Thinking that maybe I won't stop at 100... why not go for a whole year?  I am a little nervous about my activity level when my February vacation comes.  I am headed north, away from my gym, away form my treadmill... so... that means I will have to be outside... moving... for 30 minutes a day... must build up tolerance!

Today I did something I have not done in a LONGGG time... I went to ZUMBA!  I was a bit intimidated.  Knowing I would not know most of the choreography, I knew it would be a challenge, and knowing it had been so long since I had been I worried about my endurance... but I made it through the hour class, and next week will be easier.  I did not go 100% because I was afraid I would run out of steam... and I think it was smart to take it at less than 100%... the lateral movements are something my knees are not used to, so getting back into is slowly is important.  When leaving Zumba it felt  so warm! So I came home took a shower then went for a walk with one of my coworkers.  We were going to explore a trail along one of the rivers here, but when we got to the trail head it was muddy and icy and steep...not a good combination... so we changed our minds and went instead to a huge cemetery and walked around there.  That may sound morbid, but it is a great place to walk.  There are very few cars, the paved roads were clear, mostly, and it is peaceful.  There were other people there who had apparently had the same idea.  We walked for probably 45 minutes... which included yours truly, Graceful Gert as my dad would say, falling.  I slipped on some ice.  It was a strange fall.  I didn't even realize I was falling until my knee hit the ground in front of me and then I had a sharp pain in my ankle.. and it took me a few minutes to get up, not knowing if my ankle was out of commission.  I was able to get up and keep walking and think it's fine... it has been a little sore since I got home and a little swollen...so tomorrow's gym workout may be an easy one, we'll see.

Tonight I am getting ordained!  So that I can perform Sue's wedding this spring.  Apparently I can go online, fill out some info and tah dah.... ordained, able to marry people... so I had a thought that my new line to men I meet can be.. Hey, you married? No? Well I can fix that for ya!  Ha!

So this week, something big happened... Mom and dad's house sold... the closing was yesterday so it is officially no longer Dad's... ours...no longer home... I suppose it hasn't felt like home in a while.... and the last times it was home... well..it was a hard place to be.  Seeing Mom die there was hard...made coming in to that house difficult.  Of course there are happy memories in that house too...but everything changes... It's hard to think of that house not being 'home'... in some ways.. but in other ways it is a huge relief.  In ways that is hard to explain.  I am proud of my dad because this is another HUGE step, another big change in his life... and while it has been hard, he has handled it well, with courage.  The memories he has there outnumber mine...both the good and the bad... that's the house Mom lived in when he and she began dating.  Dad spent a lot of time there when it was my grandparents' house ... spent hours working on that house, keeping it going, building the addition on it when we moved into that house so that my grandmother would have her own apartment on one end... and of course cancer... Selling the house means that my father, for the first time since early adulthood, does not own his own home.  He is living with Betty at the lake and she refers to the house as their house and wants Dad to call it home... and he will... when he wraps his brain around it... but it is different for him.  I think he has faith... faith that things with he and Betty are going well and is a long term thing... he has faith that things will be okay, that he will be okay... is okay... that makes me happy... there are so many layers to grief... lasts longer than people realize... grieving does not negate one's ability to move forward... but I think moving forward causes some guilt... and when you think you know where your emotions are with the grief, things come up that intensify that grief... I am sure the house, selling it, did that for Dad this week. In some ways I suspect he felt like he was leaving Mom in some way... even though he knows she isn't there.... I am glad this step is behind him... the house... is a place where much of my life was spent... but the memories exist outside of that house... and I truly hope that the people who bought it, find comfort there, feel love there... create memories there...

I love ya, Dad... Mom wanted your life to keep moving forward... for you to be happy, to find companionship, to find love... and she knew the plan was to sell the house, it was part of your plan with her, together... it just happened differently than once envisioned... She would be so happy to know that since her death, you have lived, are living... she would be so proud of you... I know I am...