It depends on the size of the Octopus...

I love my kids... I really do... today in one of my classes, my smallest class, 2 kids, and today they had me laughing so hard I was crying.  I am not even sure how it came about really... and retelling it here wouldn't even begin to explain it.  The two kids are both familiar to me.  One of them, a boy, is a pretty serious kid, very task oriented.  He does not like to leave things undone.  He is determined to learn and I love that about him.  We are working on mean, median, mode, and range...  which is irrelevant here... the two students are funny together.  They compete against each other and it works well because they have different areas of strengths and weaknesses, so they push each other.  I have a meeting tomorrow and may miss part of their class so I told them the plan for tomorrow which included perhaps having them play some games against each other to work on their skills... and this kid, who is usually pretty stoic said something about the other student not cheating ... and the other student said he had cheated... and he giggled... this serious kid, who is, I swear an old man in a kid's body, was giggling... and then when I asked for homework he didn't have his... I was shocked!  Ok.. shocked is a bit strong... but  I was surprised.  He said he had left it at home.  I asked him if he had left it at home, why did he have a piece of paper in front of him with a few of the problems done and asked him if he had just forgotten to do it. His face changed and his eyes widened and he stammered that it was done.  I told him it was okay that we all forget once in a while... and that he could be more creative with his excuses... (remember I know these kids well and they know me well and they know when I am kidding with them...)  I asked him if his octopus had eaten his homework. He assured me he did not have an octopus... and we began going through the problems together and he was all giggly... again making me laugh... I asked him how big the octopus was and he told me, misunderstanding the question, very matter of factly, that Octopus come in different sizes... and again told me he does not have one... (I love middle school kids who even if they know you well believe all that you say...like when I told kids I was a champion lawn tractor racer... )  I told him I told him he did have one and that I had a creature at home too, a unicorn... and he said, instead of saying there were no unicorns, said, sure you do, where would you keep a unicorn?  I told him in the same place all people who have unicorns keep their unicorns... in the unicorn shed... and that got him giggling again... back to the homework... we were working on a problem and I asked him if he remembered doing that problem last night.  He said he hadn't remembered it... and I said.. do you really think an octopus could eat homework?  and in his very serious way, sounding very scientific said, It depends on the size of the octopus.  That for some reason made me start laughing, then he started laughing as he asked me why I was laughing and the other student was craking up... and before we knew it we were all crying from laughing so hard... eventually we got through the work and he kept saying that it was the best math class ever... Oh man... just fun...

Then there is my self proclaimed Aspie.  (She calles herself that as a person with Asperger's...)  we have been working hard on her organization issues... I have created daily schedules for her that include pictures of what she needs to do each day to include what she needs to put in her bag each morning, when to return to her locker and what to put back in her locker and then pack for the rest of her day. (Most of the kids in our school do not carry bags around, but she needs to, otherwise she is late to classes because she carries so much with her that she drops things and gets very flustered.   Many kids with Aspergers respond well to pictures.  It is tricky with middle school kids because those pictures cannot be too childish, but I have found, must also insert some humor.  Before making the daily schedules I asked her if she thought in pictures and she said she does.  I told her I was going to say something and wanted her to tell me immediately what she pictured.  I said Science, she said BOOM, I said Math, she said Pencil, explaining that math was the only class that required a pencil, I said Language Arts, she said Harry Potter, I said Social studies and she said globe... so those are the images I used to show her classes, minimal words accompanying many pictures.  It has not yet become as fluid as I would like it to be... but she and I are learning about one another... She wants to be independent, but has finally recognized with me that her disorganization causes her a lot of stress.    So since beginning this new bag/visual schedule system... she has been borrowing one of my cloth grocery bags... not stylish, I know, but wanted to see how things worked.She was reluctant to the bag idea at first, not wanting to be different, but yesterday, yahoo by the way, told me the bag system is helpful.  She likes purple.  So I recently went to a store that has a style that I thought she would appreciate and bought a purple over the shoulder bag.  Today I showed it to her and she was pleased.  I told her where I had bought it and her eyes lit up.. she was wearing a shirt from that very store.  Bingo! I told her that the bag could be hers to use if she can be more independent.  (I have had to find her every morning to get her into the routine to get ready for the day, have met her mid day to get ready for the afternoon, and at the end of the day to make sure she has her work packed for the day.)  I asked her if she liked having me in her space that much, knowing she likes to be independent and would prefer I leaver her to her own devices... she told me that she did not want to respond because she was afraid that her answer would be less than tactful and she did not want to land in the office... I told her that I appreciate her ability to self-edit and gave her permission to say what was on her mind, but challenged her to do so as tactfully as possinle.  She told me, after prefacing it with an apology, that she did not need another... pardon her, she said, mother.  At this point I was thrilled!  Yes! She really is much like a typical girl her age.  She wants independence.  So we came up with a deal.  I promised to leaver her alone today and we would chat mid day, when she came to my room, about how things were going, and if things were going well, that she could have some time to read while in my room.  (This girl is a bookworm and her school day is so packed she has no down time to do such luxurious activities!)  The look on her face was priceless... and today, mid day, she showed up in my room, the most calm and most confident I have seen her yet... and... and this is big... smiling.  Instead of waiting for me to approach her like our usual dance... she approached me, holding her bag out in front of her, telling me she had done great that morning and that her bag had all of her afternoon materials ready to go.  And... she was right! So... per our deal... I let her read....for a while... then needed to plant my next seed... decreasing the number of binders she carries with her throughout the day.  I encourage most kids to have a binder for each class... but for the teachers she works with, she could really get by with three binders instead of 5... how did I plant this seed? with something simple... that I had a hunch she would like... a purple accordion folder... and again, that look of excitement and wide eyes, followed by some uncomfortable laughter I had yet to see from her.  I could not tell if she was excited or offended... and I asked her to clarify her reaction.... it was excitement.  She said she loved those kind of folders, but that her Mom had insisted that she didn't need one because her trapper keeper that she has had for three years was still in good shape.  So... another carrot... This girl is bright... sooo smart... in the 99th percentile for most of her academic skills... yet struggles with meeting deadlines.. because of her disorganization and need to pass things in that are perfect...which takes time... and she is stressed all the time, also because of her disorganization... today I saw two things I have not yet seen from her... calmness and confidence... I love this kid!

There is one kid... who I have yet to figure out... my conundrum... he is falling apart at home from the stress of school... his mom has asked that I don't tell him I know this... but wants me to see if he will talk to me... he is a tough nut to crack... but... I will get there...

On a related note... teachers are dedicated to their profession... to the kids really... and that work is often not recognized and too often unappreciated.  In the last week I had two moments that brought tears to my eyes.... I got two emails... from parents of kids I had last year... who are now at the high school.  Both kids struggled badly with transitions and anxiety... Both families of these boys were filled with anxiety about these kids going to high school and surviving... The emails were to thank me, for the work I had done to help prepare their kids for high school, both saying that not only were the kids surviving, but thriving... one even about to attend the big homecoming dance with a girl.  One parent copied the principal and superintendent on the email, wanting, she said, for the district to know how lucky they are to have amazing teachers in our school... It means soooo much to get an email like that... not because the supt. gets to hear that I am helping kids... but... because I am helping kids... what I do works... and makes  difference... and I like that...I cannot take credit for the success of these kids because that credit needs to go to the kids... but I do know that somewhere, somehow...they were able to grow, change, and mature while they were working with me.... partly because I think I do create a place where kids feel safe...safe to be themselves.... and to hear from a parent that a kid who I had the pleasure of knowing, is doing well... brings joy to me in a way I cannot articulate. 

If you have kids... and your kids have had a teacher that somehow made a difference in your child's life... take a minute and say thanks... I am sure the emails took seconds to write and send... but... it really is such a compliment... it's better than a "I heart teacher" mug...

Rico & Dakota

Sending hugs and thoughts out to Rico tonight... and his beloved Dakota...

Trust.

I got an email about the last couple of posts... a friend of mine... who I have grown very fond of... he read my posts and expressed, in his way, concern for me... worried that I will not trust someone again for a romantic relationship... I appreciate that concern... trust is something that has never come easy for me... and sure my last relationship, romantic relationship, with Matt, really made me question why I trusted him... but... as things get smaller in the rearview mirror... as a wise man once told me... Other things come into focus... I do not regret my relationship with Matt... I am grateful for it... and for it's conclusion. 

When Mom was sick I watched not only how cancer impacted her life, but how it impacted Dad.... as she got sicker... he got more worried... and as she died... I am sure I witnessed his heart truly breaking... The sicker Mom got, the harder it was on all of us... especially Dad... and I had conscious thoughts about making the decision to be single... forever... I didn't think I would ever be strong enough to lose someone the way Dad lost Mom... and I didn't think I would ever let someone love me enough to lose me like that...

All relationships end.  Whether ending because people decide it is no longer something they choose or whether someone dies... they end.  So, for a while, after Mom died... there was a huge part of me that thought, "What's the point?"  Living solo meant, in my head,  less hurt all around...

But... then I look at my parents' marriage... and how much love they built and shared within their marriage... and know that somehow... the good really did outweigh the bad... even the really bad ending...

So somewhere along the line... I gave myself permission to have a relationship.. to love and to let myself be loved... and that's when Matt entered my life.  Before I knew things were ending... I thought they were great... and I enjoyed it... I was happy... and even though in the end, trusting him was foolish... somewhere in there I let myself trust me... to trust myself to follow my heart... and that is a good lesson.  I learned that I can be in a relationship... and that too is a good lesson.  So... if my fault was trusting him when I shouldn't have... shame on him.. not on me...

Of course this, like other previous relationship experience, will impact future relationships... but like anything else I have a choice in what that impact is...

I have trusted, blindly, in a way, the friend whose email I received today... why? Because I have been given no reason not to... and... I do have faith... perhaps not in the big man upstairs... but in people...
This friend is someone I have never met... he lives thousands of miles away... the commonality that made our paths cross was pvns... and to be honest I can't remember when we first started emailing... but it is a relationship I value...and yes, I do trust him...

I think people are inherently good... and will trust a man who is worthy of my trust... will allow him to love me, and will allow myself ot fall in love with him...

So, my friend... no need to worry... I am okay... and know where my energy is going, and where it needs to be... and know where it no longer needs to be...

Thanks for worrying... and for your friendship...

Change of season...

So earlier today I had intended to write about a few things, but got distracted and wrote another post instead.  So, that means today is a double blog day.... Fall is definitely coming... Last weekend one of the local 10k races was held, one in which I participated in 2009 & 2010.  Next weekend is the half marathon...in which I also participated in 2009 & 2010... It feels strange to not be participating this year.  I debated whether or not I wanted to do them... but as summer began I decided this summer would be dedicated more to kayaking than walking.  Of course I probably could have done both, but I needed a change this summer... something less rigid.  After finishing my degree and without having to take classes this summer.. I needed to just have some time where I could do what I wanted to do... and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I do miss the excitement and anticipation of participating in those events... and will consider doing them again next year... which brings me to the treadmill... and the gym...

I have been using the treadmill... I am not yet using it as much as I want to or will be using it... getting used to having it here and this week at school was very hectic... and I was exhausted... because of having the treadmill here, I have been debating about keeping my gym membership.  Do I need it? Yesterday, Suellen texted to see if I wanted to go to the gym.. and I accepted... on the way there I told her that I would probably cancel my membership as we left you have to cancel it in person... but I like the gym... I didn't do a huge workout... 40 minutes on the bike... (I chose to bike so that I could do some reading since I didn't get much reading time in last week either..)  Afterwards I stretched out a lot and felt great.  So I have not yet cancelled my membership... but we'll see... it could be a nice change of pace from the treadmill once in a while...

The other thing I was going to write about today was letting go of things... last week I mailed some cds to Matt, cds that I had borrowed from him.  I had misplaced one of them... and had held off sending them to him until I could send them all. I sent him an email on Wednesday or Thursday telling him they would be coming.  He wrote back thanking me.  It was the first contact we have had in a long time.  Since we broke up I have thought about him once in a while... had a lot of questions... but have since found the answers I needed to fully get over it and move on...I would say about three weeks ago, I kind of had this moment of just looking at things, and  finally felt grateful... grateful that things ended...  Grateful I know what I now know... I am no longer looking for reasons... which is why I think I finally put effort into finding the last cd... when I put them in the mail it was kind of like closure for me... saying good bye and farewell to it all...  Ironically he had left the comment that had prompted today's previous entry a couple days before I sent him an email telling him the cds were in the mail.  His decision to comment on my blog is interesting. Why now? Why that post? Has he been reading the blog since things ended? If so, why? Those questions are rhetorical, by the way.. I do not need to know the answers....  When he broke up with me... he quickly erased all traces of me... on his facebook and I am sure in other ways... and over the summer there was a piece of me... that wondered if he had thought of me since we broke up.  If things had meant anything to him.. if I had meant anything... and while whether he had or hadn't is truly irrelevant... there is part of me that hopes that he somehow, in his own way cared about how I was doing, that things did matter to him.  That hope comes not from my need for him to care but from my need to believe that the goodness I saw in him, the caring person,  exists... if even on the most microscopic level... My faults in that situation, were trusting him, believing him... and believing in him... but... I took him for the person he told me he was... which makes me think of a Maya Angelou quote... something like "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."   Next time... I will pay more attention to how someone shows me who he is... lesson learned... again... I am grateful. 

Things are always changing... somehow the rest of this post disappeared... I will continue on a new entry...

The last two pictures are of a rainbow... if you can see it... I first noticed it in the water, the reflection... and the sun was so bright as I looked up in the sky to find it, that I wasn't sure if it would come out or not, but there it is! 

Happy fall!  Do something new!

I am going to try to post a video... of the water reflecting on the stone in the stone tunnel I kayak into... if there is nothing here, if nothing shows up, I apologize! The sound you hear is water rushing through a beaver dam.  The water levels have been a little higher and being in the tunnel with the water rushing was pretty cool!

 

Bounce!

I can say, with 100% certainty, that I have not always acted in ways that are ethical... I have checked email accounts of two ex boyfriends...  It is not something I am proud of.. but... also cannot say that I regret.  Both instances gave me access to information...
In one situation the information helped me explain why my gut was telling me something was wrong when he had told me everything was fine...it directly impacted my safety in a way at the time and allowed me to get out of a situation I needed to be out of.... in the other situation... where I felt blindsided... I was able to gain information after the fact...that painted a much clearer picture of who someone was, a far different person than he had portrayed himself to be... whose actions were so incongruent with what he had preached.  Someone who had claimed to want something meaningful was seeking anything but...

I am not without sin... I do not claim to live in a glass house while casting stones at others... but I can say that I am who I am... and I do not act like someone I am not... I am thankful for that.  One of these two exes gave me perhaps one of the best compliments I have ever received.  He said to me... that he had never known someone like me... he said I  was the same person with him as I was when he saw me with coworkers,  as I was when he saw me with my family and when he saw me with my friends, and when I met and spent time with his family.  I think that is true for me.  Perhaps it is because I do not have the energy to expend on trying to remember how I am supposed to be in one situation compared to another.... some things are different.. like the way I talk ... my Maine accent comes out when I am around my Maine relatives, many of whom have wicked accents... I may swear in some circles and not in others..have an alcoholic beverage in some situations but not in others...but at the core of who I am, what I value, what I stand for, it is always the same.  I think I have my family, my parents to thank for that...and I am VERY thankful. 

It has to be hard to say you are one thing and be something different.  Pretending has to be exhausting.

Of course there is something that prompted this entry... I had logged in today thinking about other things... ready to write about the gym, the treadmill, and the upcoming marathon from which I will be absent this year... but there was an un-moderated comment waiting for me... which surprised me.  I had not logged in since my last post... and usually when a comment is left for me I receive an email notifying me to check the comment and decide if it is worthy of publishing. I had not received an email about this comment...not sure why...very strange. 

Anyway...  I checked the comment, expecting it to be spam...   Today's comment, as you can see published below the Courage vs. Necessity post... said, "Good for you, Kim.  I will pray for you." 

YOU will PRAY for ME?
To say that you will pray for someone... hmmm... that has many different meanings... context of course matters... At times, I think it is well intended... some people who have a lot of faith and act in ways that are aligned with their words and belief... pray for people's well being ... and I appreciate that, even though my faith is something still in turmoil.  I may not agree that praying is going to help... but I believe their intentions are pure...and I have respect for that. 

On the other hand.... when that statement comes from someone whose actions are so incongruent with their words... it is condescending...and unappreciated.....it feels like,  'I will pray for you because unlike you who does not have God in your life, he is in mine...and because of MY relationship with God... MY prayers will make a difference for YOU... despite the fact that I act in a way of which God would not be proud...despite that I live my 'Christian life' in a way that allows me to act as badly as I want to act because I know in the end God will forgive me...despite how much pain I cause people...despite my un-Christian behaviors... my prayers are worth something...." 

Really?
You will pray for me? I don't want you praying for me. It's like writing a check to buy something for which you do not have the money.... I think your prayers bounce. 

 If you are going to pray... I think you should pray for you.  YOU need prayers way more than I do. 

Two days in a row?

Yesterday Jacey, Betty's daughter, rode with me to meet up with Dad and Betty for lunch.  Other than time together there was an alterior  motive... My dad had a treadmill that was not being used... and what a coincidence...I have some muscles that have also not been being used... so I asked Dad if I could have the treadmill.  He agreed and we all met yesterday for the drop off. 

Getting it into the house was a bit of a challenge... I admit that I told Dad that, as he had promised he would do getting it loaded... I would ask someone for help.  I also admit... that I thought that despite telling Dad I would get help... I could do it myself... I backed my truck up to my steps.. untied things... and quickly realized I needed help... I called my friend, Suellen... and persuaded her fiance to help me...We got it in... and I got it set up... The cats have been a little nervous about it... but Sheldon seems to be the bravest... This is a picture of her sitting on the treadmill.  

So... my plan.. is to get up early.. walk 30 minutes before work... then, in the evenings, walk another 45 - 60 minutes... and that the treadmill does not become a clothes rack...

I walked 30 minutes last night... and again tonight... we'll see what tomorrow morning brings... hopefully another 30 minutes...



Courage or Necessity?

As a teacher I tell my students to 'live the code.'  The code is the code of conduct that our school district has adopted... five words that we hope our students will personify... compassion, honesty, responsibility, respect, and courage.  As a teacher I try, not only in my classroom, to live the code...

Some people know that The Wizard of Oz is one of my favorite movies... it has sentimental value... my sister taunting me about my fear of the flying monkeys... the emerald city being my birthstone and the ruby slippers being my sister's birthstone.  The story of a girl who feels invisible who leaves in an effort to save the creature whose love and loyalty has been her constant, Toto... the meeting of friends who join her in her mission to 'get home'... to find herself and realize what she has in her life instead of what it is missing... friends who help show her how loved she is... The Scarecrow... whose straw filled head takes on a leadership role... the Tin Man whose hollow chest leads us all to follow our hearts... and the Cowardly Lion... who puts up a false bravado to cover his cowardice... we watch the characters evolve... and the Cowardly Lion finds his courage... but were his actions the result of courage or done out of necessity?

The Cowardly Lion fell in love with his friends... friends who accepted him, encouraged him, loved him for who he was... and when those same friends were in trouble, he helped.  Was it bravery? something I always think of as being a choice... or did he do what he did because he couldn't not do them and face himself later?  Does the difference matter?



What does the code of conduct, living my life, and the Wizard of Oz have in common? Well... I had a situation that came up at work... and I had to decide how I would handle it... and have been told that the way I handled it took courage... but to me... it feels more like... necessity... I did it because I couldn't not do it... and still look at myself in the mirror or sleep well at night...

In our school, as many middle schools, we have an advisory program.  Advisory programs are set up as a way to ensure that each kid in a school has one adult to whom he/she can go to for help/support/advice, etc...  Different schools have different models.  Our program started last year.  Along with two other teachers, I started the program.  Every teacher in our building has an advisory group, which is also our homeroom.  No homeroom has more than 14 kids in it... providing a chance for lots of relationship building between the kids and between the kids and the teacher.  In addition to daily homeroom times, we have two periods a week devoted to advisory.  These periods have two focuses: 1. academic encouragement and 2.relationship building/community involvement... 1, the academic piece ... we use time to help kids set goals for themselves academically.  We take time to monitor kids' progress and grades using our online grade book system to which kids and their families have access... and we work on specific skills... 2. the relationship building... we talk about events that are happening in our world, country, town, and school and work to make them relevant to the kids while building relationships.  We do team building activities and also have a strand of community service... This year there are two of us planning the lessons... last Friday's lessons were about the tenth anniversary of September 11th.  I created four lesson plans from which teachers could choose to use...teachers also have the option of creating their own lesson plan for that day about 9-11.  The lesson plans were put out to the staff on Tuesday of last week, for Friday's advisory. 

On Thursday of last week I attended a team meeting.  (I meet with the other teachers who also teach the kids who are in my homeroom. Middle schools often have multiple teams per grade level.)  Two of the teachers on this team have a tough reputation.  Parents request that their kids not be on their team... they are highly political... they treat teaching as their second job... and on day one of the school year when asked how their summer had been... they respond with a number... 539... the number of teaching days remaining until they retire.  They do not act in a way that puts the needs of kids first, and at times act in ways that are detrimental to kids.  Over the years they have been involved with the teachers union (which I support) and have established and maintained a certain level of power over people...and over the climate/culture in our building... in a negative way.  Over the years I have built a relationship with them.  They were among the first who welcomed me to this job and community.  I have been a guest at their house for dinner... I have attended conferences with them which has included sharing drinks together in each other's hotel rooms... you know, filling the bathtubs with ice, using it to keep the beverages cold.  I have respected them, their ideas, and appreciate their advocacy skills and efforts when it comes to negotiating our contract...oh.. I should mention here... that these two teachers are married... to each other...  in recent years I have had less patience for their antics and participated less in their bitch sessions... they preach about integrity and complain that nobody has any... they say they are scrutinized without reason... they are intimidating... I have been frustrated that administration has not been more involved with reprimanding them for some of their behaviors...
So we met as a team... and knowing I design the lesson plans for advisory, they asked me what Friday's plan would be because they were both going to be absent on Friday and wanted to leave plans for their substitutes.  (They said they were attending a funeral... a pre-arranged funeral...sadly because of some of their antics... people question the legitimacy of their reason for being absent.  Usually only one of them is absent on Fridays... they take turns.)  I told them what the plans were and offered a great timeline that would be a great handout for the kids to look at and easy for a sub to discuss. 
Then... on Friday I hit my boiling point.  One of the substitutes was a woman who worked as one of my assistants last year.  (She is now enrolled full time in college but is able to sub some days.)  I asked her if she was all set with the sub plans, if she needed any help... she said she was good to go.  I asked her if she needed help with copying anything for the advisory lesson and she looked at me, confused.  She asked what was supposed to be copied and I then looked at the lesson plan that had been left for the day.  Both teachers, for each of their substitutes, had left as their plan for advisory... to get the two groups together and watch... keep in mind.. 8th graders here...on the Friday before 9-11...  watch Disney's "The Jungle Book," with a note that said it was one of the teacher's favorite movies.  I was IRATE...more than irate.  Disgusted... to not talk with our students about 9-11 on the Friday before its tenth anniversary... in my mind... was ciminal.  Oh... and I should mention.. one of them... is a social studies teacher.  Seriously.  Not kidding.  And none of the SS lesson plans for that day included anything about 9-11. 
I told both subs they were NOT watching Jungle Book.  I told them they were coming to my classroom with my homeroom kids and we would talk about 9-11... which we did... and it was great.  To share history of an event of which the adults were a part... was an incredible opportunity... I feel lucky to have had that chance to have that conversation with those kids... our kids...

So... I asked my principal if I could confront them.  He gave his blessing... though I think he believed I would decide, after having a weekend to cool off... to not confront them. 

He was wrong. 

I asked to meet with them and after exchanging weekend accounts I told them that I needed to talk to them about Friday.  It was a hard conversation.  They were defensive.. I was... assertive.  They had excuses, I offered reasons for those excuses being unacceptable.  They tried to play the victim...saying that because of the scrutiny they are under they, unlike me, would never have the 'right' to confront a coworker.  They asked if I had complained to administration... and in that moment I lied... I said I had not... I could not summon the courage in that moment to put myself in a worse situation... I was scared... They insulted the advisory program, seeing it as one more thing they have to do in their day... they said the lesson plan was confusing... well she did, he never reads them, he does what she does...she said she did not have time to do anything from the plan... even though she had read the lesson plan on Wednesday... which she failed to mention in our conversation on Thursday... when I said they could have emailed me to help their subs... they said there simply wasn't time... After going round and round with them... I told them I needed to leave and attend another meeting (which was true.)  As I was leaving they commented that my body language showed that I was less than thrilled with the meeting.  I told them it was more disappointment... that I have had a relationship with them for going on twelve years now... that in all the time I have known them they preach about integrity...that it is the quality that has been missing in every administrator we have had in those twelve years...they complain about how nobody goes to them directly to address concerns... and when I come to them, because of my integrity...for me, for our profession, for our kids... and they somehow try to justify "The Jungle Book..."  was insulting and saddened me... and that I felt like integrity, a quality they claim to admire so much....is something they do not value.  (I wanted to add, but didn't, that they do not have integrity.)  I was crying a little at the end.. which made me angry... crying because I did have a level of respect for them and had a rapport that I enjoyed... and sad because they have changed as much as I had feared...or then again, maybe I have changed and just have opened my eyes...

I shared this with a couple of my colleagues to whom I am very close and trust, knowing it will not go further.  They said I was brave.  That I showed courage.  That I did something they could never do no matter how much they may want to... one told me that I had won.... because later in the day one of them came to me and said that he did appreciate that I came to them to have that conversation.  TO which I replied, "I hope so, but I am not sure I believe that." 

But... it wasn't about being brave... or about them appreciating my integrity...I did it because I couldn't not have that conversation... that very tough conversation.  Maybe without having completed my coursework and internship I would not have had the confidence to do what I did... but... with all of my being... I HAD to have that conversation. 

I know it wasn't just about the 9-11 lesson plan.  I know this.  I needed to tell them that I am not part of their puppet show... that any strings they had on me have been cut.  I think they had suspected that anyway, but I needed to confirm it to them.  I needed them to know that they do not hold the power over their colleagues that they think they have... that people are fed up with their antics, that people are watching them... and that people are going to stand up for what is right... even when, and especially when, it means questioning their integrity. 

Freedom

Today is a day of remembrance, but it is also a day for us to remember to appreciate our country and our freedom.  As it worked out I got the chance to kayak today, with some friends... very special friends.  Left to Right in this picture, that, could also be used as one of those commercials that used to show the cell phone signal... Suellen, Debbie, Mark, Me, and the little guy in the front is Zach.  We did not plan to line up by height... it just worked out that way.  This picture was taken using the timer on my camera... and I think it came out pretty nicely!  

I had posted something on facebook at the end of last week about possibly going kayaking this weekend and told interested parties to get in touch with me... and Debbie posted that her 'clan' may be interested... this caused me to raise an eyebrow... Debbie is my friend... an amazing woman who has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  A couple of times this summer she had asked me about kayaking opportunities, not for herself because her shoulder had been so painful, but for her husband, Mark.  We did not connect... so when she said that her clan wanted to go... I thought maybe she was referencing her husband and their son... so I texted her and said... Clan?  just who might this clan include? And she wrote back saying ALL of us!  I was soo excited.  So so excited.  I was not sure how far she would be able to paddle... because her shoulder has been bothering her all summer and I didn't know how much strength she would have.. She did great!  She kicked Ass!  (Which is her plan to deal with cancer by the way!)  Her son, Zach, also did awesome. He got tired, but kept going, and completed his first ever paddle without being towed! 

(And please excuse my appearance... on kayaking excursions I wear a bandanna type thing so that the little wispy pieces of hair don't get in my face as I am trying to take pictures... and I am not sure why I had not yet unrolled my pantlegs.. usually I wear shorts, but it was chilly this morning and I wore short pants... which I had rolled up when I got out of my kayak to try to avoid getting them wet.) 



I have not written much here about Debbie's battle with cancer... it is not my story to write.  I worry about her every day... I am in awe of her every day... because she is fighting hard... making things as easy on her family as she can, especially Zach...

The idea of her losing this battle terrifies me.  We had dinner last week, just the two of us, and it was nice.  I hope I am a person she can talk to about anything and everything... and so far, I think she has... She shared stories with me, of what people say to her which make me shake my head... like, "You don't look sick," and she has shared with me the medical end of things... But... right now... she is very much living with breast cancer... LIVING with this disease... and I love her for that.  Today is a day I will cherish... forever... on 9-11 we talk of courage and endurance... and Debbie.... well.. Debbie has both... I love you, Deb! 

Deadline Challenged...

It's funny how this blogging thing works... I get the urge to write, to share something and I go to the blogger dashboard, as it is called, sign in, and start writing.  The last few days thoughts have been swirling around in my head and I thought that maybe there would be a blog post or two mixed in there somewhere... and there is.. or are... depending...

I got an email today from my aunt, Donna, who I have often written about here... I thought of her today as a teal harley motorcycle came through my lane at the tolls... only she will know why, but I figured I would share anyway... her email was checking in on me... noticing that this blog and the kayaking blog have been dormant for a bit... It is me that should have been checking on her... but that's the way things go sometimes... and then there is Jill who was very harsh with me tonight about not blogging in a while and leaving the 'depressing dream post' up... and directed me to add a new post... so the fact that I am in fact blogging tonight, will stroke her ego. 

Okay...

So... school is in full swing... well...close anyway... this week felt like a long week.  The beginning of the year is always stressful, always so much that can be done beyond what I already do... but there is also a point at which I have to stop and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day.  Last week was very busy.. I had three meetings that involve a lot of paperwork...that I still need to finish..and have two more this week to prepare for... We had open house, on a day where I had a different kind of meeting after school... so that day I was at school from 6:45 a.m. to 7:15 p.m.... I am enjoying getting to know the kids... more on that later.. but there is still a huge part of me that is cognisant of the fact that I am in a job I was hoping to not be in... but... I am confident that eventually, I will be in a new job.  Which reminds me... the principal of the school where I had interviewed, called me last week.  After my interview and learning that I did not get the job, I had emailed him and had asked if he could, at some point offer me some feedback, and he told me he would.  He had asked me to call on a certain day when he thought he would have time to talk.  I called...and left a message... and heard nothing back.  Until this week... he called and we chatted for about a half an hour.  He gave great feedback... my resume is great... my reference letters, great... my interview, great.... he said I was articulate, professional, and that in the interview I came across as I did on the phone, positive and passionate... He asked me how I felt the interview went... and I told him that honestly I felt that the questions did not lend themselves well to showing my potential... that I struggled with how to share things about my skills, about what I could bring to their school, because the questions had specific focus.  So he gave me some ideas or how to do that in my next interview.  He shared that he was in a situation, being a new principal to the school... with several new teachers necause many had retired the previous year, as well as new secretaries (who we all know TRULY run the school)  seemed overwhelming and he needed to make sure whoever he hired would be someone who would require little supervision.  And because I do not have any experience... that part did play against me.  I felt great about the conversation... and sill use it to help me in my next interview... which is not yet on the horizon... so that was good.. so back to the kids...

My homeroom kids last year were 6th graders... this year my homeroom is filled with 8th graders... so that has been an adjustment for me... I like it because it is a bit more challenging.. 6th graders are easily impressed and still very much want to please their teachers... 8th graders... not so much... I am going ot have to work for the relationships with these kids... more than I did last year.... and I am looking forward to it... I have 14 kids in there... and while I want to connect with all of them... there are two... well... three.. okay four who REALLY need some attention... first is a kid who is... a stereotypical redneck jock... let me rephrase that... he SEEMS like a redneck jock.. but...there is so much more to him than that... It is a stereotype under which he is way too comfortable.  He is a big kid, fairly tall... and uses his size to play the unintelligent laid back tough guy... but... I think there is a sensitive guy in there... and as someone of size myself... I will help him see that he can be himself... without having to be the 'big guy.'... if that makes sense... okay five.. just thought of another... back to her in a sec... the second kid ... is painfully quiet... sits alone, away from others... doesn't engage unless he is spoken to.  At the end of the day I have dismissal duty in the hallway and take my kids with me.  11 of the 14 kids socialixe with each other... three hang with me... this kid is one of them.. unlike the other two who hang with me because they are not sure yet how to socialize with the other kids in our homeroom (but will soon!)  and they are more comfortable talking to me at this point... this kid... stays with me to avoid other kids... to stay isolated... the other day though, Friday, I got him to smile and this was a victory for me!  A small victory, but a victory none the less!  The other two kids who hang with me... are walkers.. which means they are dismissed after the kids who ride the busses... so they get to hang with me even longer... the other day after the bus kids left, there was something on the floor... joking I said...Oh No... dead monkey.... because kids in my homeroom had been referencing monkeys... don't know why.. well ironically, the object on the floor was a flat rubber-like monkey that I assume had been on smoeone's backpack as a keychain...I picked it up and put it in a window that is fairly high... and kind of hid it... the three of us decided that we would leave the monkey there to see if that area ever gets cleaned.... so far... it has been there 3 days... so.. on Friday this quiet kid... was going to walk instead of taking the bus.. and I asked the other two kids if we should let him in on our secret... saying that I thought we could trust him.  I asked him if he wanted to know and he did... which was a good sign!  When we told him... and he looked up and saw it.. he smiled.. and laughed a little... Yahoo... a connection... something that we can chat about, daily if needed... at least until the window gets cleaned... IF the window gets cleaned... ok... kid three that is on my radar.. is new to the school.. I wrote about him here before... the kid I made speak instead of having his mother speak for him... he is going to be a challenge... but we are setting the boundaries... and he still seems to not hate me... even after I threw his books and binders one day and his backpack and sweatshirt another day, into the recycling bin... (He hates lockers.. so he stores his stuff in my classroom, but I have limited him to two shelves, large shelves.  I have told him that anything of his that is outside of the shelves will be recycled... and that will only last for a little while before things go into the garbage... the recycle bin is just paper, so getting things out of there is no big deal.)  He grumbled a bit each time, but the first time said, I didn't realize this counter space was off limits, and the second  time he said he didn't realize that the floor counted as being out of the shelves... and now he knows... he has bonded well with the fourth kid in my homeroom who worries me... not worries me too bad, but.. he has a lot going on outside of school... this is a kid who... well... just wants to be loved.  I think he is in a supportive family situation, but there are pieces about it that are complicated for him... he too is looking for boundaries... the fifth kid that popped into my mind above is a girl... she is a pretty popular kid... but I think she puts a lot of pressure on herself to perform well at all that she does... on Friday, we did a lesson about 9/11, watched a video about kids who lost their parents... and when I asked if anyone could relate, she raised her hand... she shared that while it wasn't about 9-11, her mom was at Columbine, working on the day of the shooting.. and had to hide under a desk... the girl got very emotional about it... I think she holds a lot of things in... and then when things come out... they are intense... she was upset for a long time... gotta keep my eye on her... she will make everything seem like she is okay... gotta ensure that it is... truth is... there are things about all of the kids in my homeroom that I could write here, things to give me cause to raise an eyebrow... and I love getting to know these things about my kids... MY kids... I say that sometimes and it strikes me that I don't have any kids... per se... but these kids... really mean a lot to me... So that's just my homeroom...

Jill is probably kicking herself about now for asking me to write... ha! careful what you wish for... so ... beyond the kids I have in homeroom... there are also the kids to whom I provide instruction... I have some kids with whom I have worked before... and some new ones... I have some sixth graders... who seem to defy the desctiption of 6th graders I gave above... this crew... wow.. are going to give me a run for my money... ther is a kid in there who is a last word-er... he has to have the last word about things... and that includes saying things that are not encouraging to his classmates.. he and I,  I foresee,  will be spending some lunches together... or even some after school time...talking about the code of conduct...They are negotiators... or think they are... I gave them homework this week... the first night I had them do 10 problems in math... not too hard, but not too easy.. didn't want to give too many incase they did them wrong... they asked if they could do 5 problems instead.... I told them I don't negotiate.  They then said please, c'mon, cant we do like 5 or 6... I said... oh okay.. you want a different amount of problems for homework, I can do that... how about 15?  They all suddenly agreed that 10 was a very fair number.  The next day, everyone came in with their homework done.  The next day similar situation and they came in with their homework completed ... Thursday I was at one of my meetings so I had a sub fill in for me.  I had left an assignment for them to do for homework... writing 5 word problems due Friday.  And, if they had it done for Friday, they would get to participate in math game day... Word problems are hard for kids to write... especially kids who struggle with reading, writing, and math... a few of the kids had it done.  The rest, led by the last word-er, said he never heard the sub give homework.  I asked each kid individually if they had heard the sub give those directions... and one of the boys looked at me.. after he said he just didn't get it done... looked at last worder...and said, he had not heard the sub... I asked him if he was being truthful and he said he was.  I don't belive that.  So... The kids who had finished the problems for homework... got to play games with me... and the kids who had not done the five homework problems.. had to sit and write ten word problems as they watched and listened to the fun games being played.  I know.. I am so mean... I am, in a way, thankful it worked out that way... in that class is one of my Aspergerians... smile... and playing a game with him (he had done his homework) and a couple of other kids and me... allowed me to play with things.. to see how he responds to stress when he is not winning, to tease out his sense of humor... and to see some ofhis skills get demostrated in a more relaxed setting than just giving him a test... I learned a lot about him that will help me work with him this year. 

Then there is a student who is new to me this year... she is on my caseload... an 8th grader... also an Aspergerian (a term I now use to reference people with Aspergers...)  What an amazingly interesting young lady... I am sooo excited to work with her this year and am so hopeful that our work together will help her tremendously.  She is highly intelligent.  Probably one of the top five percent of the kids in her class, academically... if you base it solely on standardized testing... however... being able to show that intelligence is very hard for her.  Partly because she is a perfectionist... handing something in that is not the quality she wants it to be will not happen... so I will have to work on that.  I had an opportunity to chat with her the other day... and asked her if she understood why she recieves special education services... with a very serious face and tone, she said that she 'supposed' it was because she is an "Aspy."  And quickly told me Aspy is a name in her house, given to people with Aspergers.  I told her she was correct and then we talked about the goals she has in her individual education plan... which pertain to organization.  She informed me in our conversation that it is not time management that is her issue... she told me very matter of factly, that she is "deadline challenged!"  Deadline challenged?  I love this kid!  We then talked about other aspects of school that are hard and she shared with me, pardoning her french, that middle school is 'hell.' She feels that way because of the social piece.  I asked her if she would like help making friends and she said that my help in trying to increase her friendships would not be the goal, that the goal would be to help her decrease the amount of enemies she has... because in her words, she has a tendency to sometimes say what comes into her mind without taking time to think about what it is that may come out of her mouth which often lands her in trouble.  At which point I asked her if she was a glass half empty kind of a girl... and she assured me that not only would she concur, but that her mother would also agree with  me.  So... for her... my goal for her (outside of her education plan...) is to help fill her glass...  So that's an intro to some of my students...

Other school stuff... I have signed myself up for more responsibilities at our school... being mindful of adding things to my resume. So... while I am not taking classes this semester... I will be busy... and I also am thinking about taking another class in the spring...I know I just graduated in May... but... I am lucky enough to be in a district that pays for classes... so I would be foolish not to take a class... my debate... do I take a class towards another certification, like an athletic director.. or... do I take a class that would be strictly for my enjoyment... like photography...or painting...

So that is the school update.... more to come about other things.... soon... maybe even later today...

9-11

Ten years. 

When I was a kid I remember my parents and other adults telling me that they remembered exactly where they were when JFK was shot.  In some ways I was in awe of that... a moment in history that everyone remembered.. in other ways I questioned whether or not it was possible...to remember exactly where you were... but I now know that feeling... for 9.11.01 and Columbine...

Today I am going to go kayaking... perhaps not the most patriotic thing to do... but it is a part of the freedom I have... living in the USA... I will reflect on the tenth anniversary... witha heavy heart... and hope that the families of those people who lost their lives in the attack have found some kind of peace...

I had a dream about Mom...

Last night... well early this morning... I had a dream about Mom... I am angry because I cannot remember much about it... I woke up towards the end and tried to will myself to go back to sleep to re-enter the dream at the same place...

Lots of people were in the dream, including Dad and Betty... and we were all in a house... and it was like Mom was back... but not... she was there, but everybody knew she was only partly there... and we interacted with her... but she did not interact back with us. She sat in a chair... a chair with a high back... like the one's at my Aunt Donna's house, except a different color... the chair was sitting against a greenish wall... soft green...that was the wall that supported the staircase... there were hardwood floors and next to the chair were a couple of decorative things sitting on the floor...including a small decorative bicycle made of some kind of wire or maybe iron...  She didn't look sick... but she didn't look like herself either... her eyes still seemed big to me... which was her feather that stuck out to me as she got more and more sick... when she would wear her glasses her eyes seemed to big... in my dream she just sat... quietly... but I feel like she was talking earlier in the dream... but I can't remember that part...

I wish I could remember the dream before she sat in that chair... I remember that she walked to that chair from a kitchen... I remember there was a discussion in the kitchen between me, Dad, and Betty... where the conversation was about incorporating Mom into their lives, as they currently are... accepting her presence into their relationship... somehow... but it was not as meaningful as that... more day to day...

I should have written it down when I woke up... but I told myself I would remember it... all of it... and I don't... Maybe more of it will come to me...

Maybe that dream will return to me... tonight... maybe Mom will begin showing up in my dreams more... I have wanted her to....

And lately... I have understood those people who say they get this urge to call someone who has died... which I could not imagine... because Mom's death is still such a big part of my daily life... I have not had the urge to call her... and have not had those moments of epiphany realizing that I can't call her because she is dead... But... I have had moments lately, where I think... I would tell Mom about that... if she were here to tell... I would call her... if...

I miss her like crazy... the beginning of the school year... driving home from school I would often call Mom to share with her my day... and she would listen and was excited for me... I am not sure I remember her voice...  I want to remember... maybe that's why I wanted her to talk in my dream...

Glad I did it...

I had planned on kayaking today... I had put out the word on facebook that I wanted to paddle today and asked if anyone wanted to join me.  People were busy and I decided that would not deter me... until this morning.  I woke up this morning... early, because my plan was to get on the water very early to really enjoy the calmness that happens only early in the morning and late in the afternoon... but whenI woke up my back was sore... I went to the chiropractor yesterday and my back had been really tight... I am sure from the stress of going back to work... so this morning I felt a bit sore... the thought that was keeping me from paddling was the fact that I had parked the kayaks in the garage as hurricane Irene passed through town... so using the kayak today meant having to load it onto the truck...

After hitting snooze...then resetting my arlarm for a later time.... I ended up getting up around 8:00.. and as I at breakfast... a blueberry muffin I had bought to take on the water with me... I decided that I was being ridiculous... that I wanted to enjoy the last days of summer and I should go kayaking... then my phone rang... it was the turnpike calling... inviting me to work this afternoon... and I accepted the shift... but also decided that I would go for a paddle after all... and would just return in time to get ready for work. 

I am sooo glad I went!  It was beautiful! I can't wait to go here again.  Next time will include getting up early, packing a lunch and paddling all day!  I only paddled for about 4 hours today... and know I could paddle much further.  I posted some pictures on the kayaking blog.... kayakinginmaine.blogspot.com

This is one of the pics I tood today... lots of dragonflies on the water... I post this one here because you can see my scar in this picture too... 

While I was working today one of my friends texted me...asking if I went kayaking today even though nobody has been able to join me.  When I told her I had, she told me she was impressed with my dedication to being on the water... dedication... interesting way to see it... For me.. it is serenity.  There is really something about being in my kayak and being close to nature that fulfills something in me...

Today's paddle had some cool places to explore.  It wasn't unlike other rivers I have explored per se, but what I liked about it was that the scenery changed... there were many trees of course, but there were fields along the river... and in some places the shore was lined with rocks that looked like they had been cut in a quarry...

The greens are much less vibrant than they are in the early summer/late spring... definitely looking more like fall... some of the leaves are changing... and of course as the seasons change, I think about changes in my own life... which... are not currently easily seen... same job... but I feel like change is on the horizon. 

I apologize for not posting more pictures here form today's paddle, but am tired and heading to bed... and already posted them at the other site...

Yes, Jill, this means you must visit the kayaking blog, even though you are not YET a kayaker...