Trust.

I got an email about the last couple of posts... a friend of mine... who I have grown very fond of... he read my posts and expressed, in his way, concern for me... worried that I will not trust someone again for a romantic relationship... I appreciate that concern... trust is something that has never come easy for me... and sure my last relationship, romantic relationship, with Matt, really made me question why I trusted him... but... as things get smaller in the rearview mirror... as a wise man once told me... Other things come into focus... I do not regret my relationship with Matt... I am grateful for it... and for it's conclusion. 

When Mom was sick I watched not only how cancer impacted her life, but how it impacted Dad.... as she got sicker... he got more worried... and as she died... I am sure I witnessed his heart truly breaking... The sicker Mom got, the harder it was on all of us... especially Dad... and I had conscious thoughts about making the decision to be single... forever... I didn't think I would ever be strong enough to lose someone the way Dad lost Mom... and I didn't think I would ever let someone love me enough to lose me like that...

All relationships end.  Whether ending because people decide it is no longer something they choose or whether someone dies... they end.  So, for a while, after Mom died... there was a huge part of me that thought, "What's the point?"  Living solo meant, in my head,  less hurt all around...

But... then I look at my parents' marriage... and how much love they built and shared within their marriage... and know that somehow... the good really did outweigh the bad... even the really bad ending...

So somewhere along the line... I gave myself permission to have a relationship.. to love and to let myself be loved... and that's when Matt entered my life.  Before I knew things were ending... I thought they were great... and I enjoyed it... I was happy... and even though in the end, trusting him was foolish... somewhere in there I let myself trust me... to trust myself to follow my heart... and that is a good lesson.  I learned that I can be in a relationship... and that too is a good lesson.  So... if my fault was trusting him when I shouldn't have... shame on him.. not on me...

Of course this, like other previous relationship experience, will impact future relationships... but like anything else I have a choice in what that impact is...

I have trusted, blindly, in a way, the friend whose email I received today... why? Because I have been given no reason not to... and... I do have faith... perhaps not in the big man upstairs... but in people...
This friend is someone I have never met... he lives thousands of miles away... the commonality that made our paths cross was pvns... and to be honest I can't remember when we first started emailing... but it is a relationship I value...and yes, I do trust him...

I think people are inherently good... and will trust a man who is worthy of my trust... will allow him to love me, and will allow myself ot fall in love with him...

So, my friend... no need to worry... I am okay... and know where my energy is going, and where it needs to be... and know where it no longer needs to be...

Thanks for worrying... and for your friendship...