I had a dream about Mom...

Last night... well early this morning... I had a dream about Mom... I am angry because I cannot remember much about it... I woke up towards the end and tried to will myself to go back to sleep to re-enter the dream at the same place...

Lots of people were in the dream, including Dad and Betty... and we were all in a house... and it was like Mom was back... but not... she was there, but everybody knew she was only partly there... and we interacted with her... but she did not interact back with us. She sat in a chair... a chair with a high back... like the one's at my Aunt Donna's house, except a different color... the chair was sitting against a greenish wall... soft green...that was the wall that supported the staircase... there were hardwood floors and next to the chair were a couple of decorative things sitting on the floor...including a small decorative bicycle made of some kind of wire or maybe iron...  She didn't look sick... but she didn't look like herself either... her eyes still seemed big to me... which was her feather that stuck out to me as she got more and more sick... when she would wear her glasses her eyes seemed to big... in my dream she just sat... quietly... but I feel like she was talking earlier in the dream... but I can't remember that part...

I wish I could remember the dream before she sat in that chair... I remember that she walked to that chair from a kitchen... I remember there was a discussion in the kitchen between me, Dad, and Betty... where the conversation was about incorporating Mom into their lives, as they currently are... accepting her presence into their relationship... somehow... but it was not as meaningful as that... more day to day...

I should have written it down when I woke up... but I told myself I would remember it... all of it... and I don't... Maybe more of it will come to me...

Maybe that dream will return to me... tonight... maybe Mom will begin showing up in my dreams more... I have wanted her to....

And lately... I have understood those people who say they get this urge to call someone who has died... which I could not imagine... because Mom's death is still such a big part of my daily life... I have not had the urge to call her... and have not had those moments of epiphany realizing that I can't call her because she is dead... But... I have had moments lately, where I think... I would tell Mom about that... if she were here to tell... I would call her... if...

I miss her like crazy... the beginning of the school year... driving home from school I would often call Mom to share with her my day... and she would listen and was excited for me... I am not sure I remember her voice...  I want to remember... maybe that's why I wanted her to talk in my dream...