Bounce!

I can say, with 100% certainty, that I have not always acted in ways that are ethical... I have checked email accounts of two ex boyfriends...  It is not something I am proud of.. but... also cannot say that I regret.  Both instances gave me access to information...
In one situation the information helped me explain why my gut was telling me something was wrong when he had told me everything was fine...it directly impacted my safety in a way at the time and allowed me to get out of a situation I needed to be out of.... in the other situation... where I felt blindsided... I was able to gain information after the fact...that painted a much clearer picture of who someone was, a far different person than he had portrayed himself to be... whose actions were so incongruent with what he had preached.  Someone who had claimed to want something meaningful was seeking anything but...

I am not without sin... I do not claim to live in a glass house while casting stones at others... but I can say that I am who I am... and I do not act like someone I am not... I am thankful for that.  One of these two exes gave me perhaps one of the best compliments I have ever received.  He said to me... that he had never known someone like me... he said I  was the same person with him as I was when he saw me with coworkers,  as I was when he saw me with my family and when he saw me with my friends, and when I met and spent time with his family.  I think that is true for me.  Perhaps it is because I do not have the energy to expend on trying to remember how I am supposed to be in one situation compared to another.... some things are different.. like the way I talk ... my Maine accent comes out when I am around my Maine relatives, many of whom have wicked accents... I may swear in some circles and not in others..have an alcoholic beverage in some situations but not in others...but at the core of who I am, what I value, what I stand for, it is always the same.  I think I have my family, my parents to thank for that...and I am VERY thankful. 

It has to be hard to say you are one thing and be something different.  Pretending has to be exhausting.

Of course there is something that prompted this entry... I had logged in today thinking about other things... ready to write about the gym, the treadmill, and the upcoming marathon from which I will be absent this year... but there was an un-moderated comment waiting for me... which surprised me.  I had not logged in since my last post... and usually when a comment is left for me I receive an email notifying me to check the comment and decide if it is worthy of publishing. I had not received an email about this comment...not sure why...very strange. 

Anyway...  I checked the comment, expecting it to be spam...   Today's comment, as you can see published below the Courage vs. Necessity post... said, "Good for you, Kim.  I will pray for you." 

YOU will PRAY for ME?
To say that you will pray for someone... hmmm... that has many different meanings... context of course matters... At times, I think it is well intended... some people who have a lot of faith and act in ways that are aligned with their words and belief... pray for people's well being ... and I appreciate that, even though my faith is something still in turmoil.  I may not agree that praying is going to help... but I believe their intentions are pure...and I have respect for that. 

On the other hand.... when that statement comes from someone whose actions are so incongruent with their words... it is condescending...and unappreciated.....it feels like,  'I will pray for you because unlike you who does not have God in your life, he is in mine...and because of MY relationship with God... MY prayers will make a difference for YOU... despite the fact that I act in a way of which God would not be proud...despite that I live my 'Christian life' in a way that allows me to act as badly as I want to act because I know in the end God will forgive me...despite how much pain I cause people...despite my un-Christian behaviors... my prayers are worth something...." 

Really?
You will pray for me? I don't want you praying for me. It's like writing a check to buy something for which you do not have the money.... I think your prayers bounce. 

 If you are going to pray... I think you should pray for you.  YOU need prayers way more than I do.